Guy I'm seeing exclusively is meeting up tonight with a girl he's hooked up with and it's making me super anxious

[Jibralta]

On 5/2/2023 at 7:43 PM, Larissa1443 said:

I've thought about ending things but then again it just seems like the easy way out and whenever things start getting more serious I panic and have this urge to leave before I get hurt so I want to change those patterns, but I also feel like it's too much work and anxiety and I don't want to go through this. 

That's your smart brain talking. You should not minimize his dishonesty. It is a big deal, believe me. I know you're smitten, but if you continue to invest your heart and mind into this, you're going to have a nasty problem on your hands.

[redswim30]

On 5/2/2023 at 7:36 PM, Larissa1443 said:

When he showed me the picture of the tattoo, he opened up their conversation but he scrolled up so fast that it made me think that whatever they had been talking about after he sent her the picture is something I shouldn't read. 

In an ideal world, this guy wouldn't be friends with this girl because he literally slept with her a month ago, so I think to me it's not just a matter of trust but rather if I'm with someone, I think what he's doing is inappropriate but he could call me out and say she's just a friend and he's "just getting a tattoo" and I have to suck it up and accept it. 

Larissa, you might just have plain incompatibility here. 

I know LOTS of guys that are actually SUPER good about compartmentalizing sex vs. a relationship.  for some guys (and ladies, too) it's entirely possible to be friends w/someone they previously slept with.  You're either ok with it or you aren't.  But if he is and you aren't-incompatible.  And in this case, you don't even know without a doubt that this WAS the girl he slept with. 

Even in a more innocent situation of just opposite gender friends- some people are okay with it and others aren't.  Both are valid choices, but you both have to be on the same page about it or it will always be an issue. 

 I think you may be reading too much into the scrolling.  If it was really something bad, he wouldn't have shown you at all.   And wanting privacy doesn't necessarily make it BAD.  I have some conversations for example that I prefer my husband doesn't look it- not because I have anything to hide, but if someone is messaging me something in confidence, it's really not mine to just SHARE.  I might tell him " So and so is having relationship problems and asking my advice" but like I feel it would be disrespectful to show him what they wrote in detail. 

I say this ALL the time.  No one ever knows with 100% certainty whether their partner is cheating on them or not- and you never can know unless you are with them 24/7- 365.   Which almost no one is.  It all comes down to TRUST.  If you already don't trust that he's not immediately sleeping with someone else, that's a problem.  You shouldn't be with someone you don't trust.  And you also shouldn't be "spying" or stalking people to validate your sense of distrust- that never leads anywhere good.  If you can't/don't trust him- break up.  

I think it's good that he hasn't been lying to you about hanging out with her.   But only you know whether you think you can trust him or not. 

You have two choices- 

1. Choose to trust him and wait to see if you gives you any concrete cause not to trust him ( I'm not sure that he has) 

2. Choose not to trust him - or decide you already don't- and break up. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I am and can still be friends in that situation.  But I also wouldn't play with fire and I'd put my partner first.  So I'd give my partner the opportunity to meet the person and I wouldn't do a date like activity with the person or go to that person's home except in rare circumstances (like the time I did so my ex could upload his playlist on my Ipod, which my bf knew I planned to do).  This situation sounds like there is quite a lot of interest there that is not platonic and he is being mighty evasive about her and in general.

[lostandhurt]

For a moment lets forget about tattoo girl and just focus on the relationship so far.

Do you feel secure?

Do you feel appreciated?

Do you feel trusted?

Do you feel there is a possibility for a long term relationship with him?

Can you see yourself falling in love with him? Remember without trust there can be no true love.

   Back to tattoo girl.  It seems you communicate pretty well with him so why not simply ask him straight out. "Have you ever had sex with tattoo girl?"  It is a valid question because it relates to the relationship and your choice to stay or go.  At this point you are guessing, why not stop guessing and find out for sure.

 I am curious where you keep meeting these other toxic men.  Is there a theme to any of this?

 Lost

[redswim30]

11 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

For a moment lets forget about tattoo girl and just focus on the relationship so far.

Do you feel secure?

Do you feel appreciated?

Do you feel trusted?

Do you feel there is a possibility for a long term relationship with him?

Can you see yourself falling in love with him? Remember without trust there can be no true love.

   Back to tattoo girl.  It seems you communicate pretty well with him so why not simply ask him straight out. "Have you ever had sex with tattoo girl?"  It is a valid question because it relates to the relationship and your choice to stay or go.  At this point you are guessing, why not stop guessing and find out for sure.

 I am curious where you keep meeting these other toxic men.  Is there a theme to any of this?

 Lost

This is excellent advice. 

OP, from what I've read generally on this thread, it seems you have a pattern of being in challenging relationships.  Sometimes, it can be wise to take a step back and examine how our own behaviors can also be contributing factors in relationships turning toxic. 

I think it's worth exploring - WHY wasn't your first instinct just to ask him?   Why did you feel the need to snoop around social media?   Why DID you jump to the conclusion that it must have been her he slept with?  Why are you looking for validation/proof that he's not trustworthy, if he hasn't really given you specific cause? Sometimes if we are in a certain mindset, we start to look for anything (proof) that can validate that mindset, whether it's accurate or not.  Or you if you truly don't trust him or think he's untrustworthy to this degree, then why do you even want a relationship with him? 

It's worth thinking about.  The first step to having a healthy relationship is displaying healthy behaviors/mindset yourself.   Whether you stay with this guy or not, perhaps there's some patterns or mindsets you need to change to start relationships on the right (see Healthy) path. 

[smackie9]

This is a deal breaker whether or not you are having sex. First impression count, and this guy isn't being impressive now is he. 

[Jaunty]

On 5/3/2023 at 2:14 AM, Larissa1443 said:

I did and he was okay with it. 

The problem is when I raise issues about what I want, he says "I can do X and Z if that'll make you happier", like he truly listens and tries to cater to my needs. 

It would be a different scenario if he said "Look, I understand X is what you want, but I can only give you Z" instead he'll make an effort. Same goes for closing the relationship.

He's a "nice" guy who likes you and would like you to be happy, but he's not primarily monogamous at this stage of his life.  Doing an act or not doing it is one thing, but just saying "okay, I will be monogamous now because it will make you happy" is probably not going to work.

I'm not even saying that this guy is planning to have sex with tattoo girl.  He's just not wired the way you are so he doesn't think it's weird to go over there.  Meanwhile, you're an individual who is ruled by your fears and insecurity a lot of the time, where relationships are concerned, and you have a solid history of picking guys who are impossible prospects

We all need to be with a person who is compatible in all kinds of important ways.  TBH I think you're far from ready to be in a relationship with anybody, given your posting history.  The way you are handling this situation (trying to make something work with a guy who you had to ask to be monogamous, and now the social media stalking extravaganza) shows that you still aren't.  But, regardless of that, this won't work.  You two are coming from different places, you don't trust him,  and this is no way to build a foundation. 

Sorry.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/2/2023 at 7:43 PM, Larissa1443 said:

 have been seeing each other exclusively for a little over a month, 

 he wants to be with me and see where this goes.

It's only been 30 days of dating "exclusively" and already he's dating other women.

Whether or not they have sex on the date isn't as important as the fact that they hanging out one-on-one getting tats together, etc.  Like couples do. That's a date.

So maybe he's only having sex with you at this point, but you're definitely not a committed couple. He's a free spirit.

Basically this is still a nebulous situationship. Even though you had the "exclusive" conversation.  He's still not making promises. What he offered was "see how it goes". Which means he'll hang out and have sex with you until something else comes along.

All you can do is bow out of nebulous situationships and people who prefer open relationships. It's important to protect your heart and soul and be able to cut your losses when a situation doesn't seem right for you.