Separation, am I wrong?

[Kw114]

VERY LONG POST
I have been married for 5 years, with this person going on 8 years.

I’m 27 years old now, I’ve been married since age 22… so a little background info.

My husband and I were in a great place in our lives before we got married, we started our relationship in 2015..In 2018 I graduated college while he was attending basic training and when he was finished we began our new lives together at his first duty station. Everything felt amazing and I loved him so much.. I wanted to do everything I could to show him I was going to be a great wife. Anything he asked of me I was going to do, no questions asked..so he wanted a baby, I got pregnant that same year and in the midst of my pregnancy he had to deploy. A few months before he left, I found out he had reached out to an ex, and I told him don’t do that anymore. That’s something I don’t condone, he looked me in my eyes and said he wouldn’t do that again. Ok.. cool… so he gets deployed October 2018.. before he leaves I get a feeling that I should get all his passwords, it’s like my spidey senses were tingling that something was going to go wrong while he was away…turns out I was right, I found out he had a POF account, he tried to hide our marriage status so that he could message other women, he would use Snapchat to talk to the women he met on POF, he had a porn problem, and he was obsessed with an ex from some years before me.. it was devastating for me because I really thought we were great.. anyways, we get past that bump and I forgive him. When he returns from deployment in 2019, more things begin to surface about him. 2020 some more stuff, and then it seems like the more I forgave, more of me was going. We even went to counseling, and he lied in those sessions (I later discovered that).. well, there was a point where I thought he was not doing anything wrong at all, there was nothing. He would even tell me he’s not doing anything, he would reassure me of it, he even deleted all his social accounts. But my intuition was telling me otherwise but I had no proof! I would even tell him he can be honest with me, but he would insist that there was nothing going on. At the end of 2021 I decide to go visit family because my intuition was driving me insane, I needed a break to think clearly.. it’s like my body just knew something was wrong.. in January 2022, I finally find this yahoo account he’s had since summer 2019, he had a hidden Instagram, Twitter, and some sex account to watch live women.. I confronted him and he lied to my face, I was in rage because he made me feel crazy this whole time when I knew something was wrong! Then he finally comes to me and says “yeah I did it”...

So since that day, I’ve been ready to leave. But I haven’t had the strength to go because I feel bad for giving up. I told him if he doesn’t get serious help then I can’t stay with him, it’s not worth my sanity. Also, I know I can’t take anymore pain. I feel like everything since 2015 has been a lie, and I need to leave with my son. Other people say, well he didn’t physically cheat on you sooo.. but that does not mean what he did isn’t wrong!! And hell if I know. He said before he wouldn’t tell me what he has done he would just let it go in one of our counseling sessions two years ago. Also I have been told from my therapist that I suffer from betrayal trauma, and if anyone knows what that is, it is the worst.

since the incident last year he has done better, I assume... BUT he still hasn’t committed to the individual counseling and I feel like if he doesn’t do it, he will fall back into the same cycle of bs, and I don’t want to be here for that. He has been been to behavioral health twice for the situation earlier last year but that’s it.. he says that really helped him overcome it.. but whatever. He needs more help than that, and it’s something I keep asking him to do so that I can feel secure. But he says he will do it, and never does…

We did marriage counseling for the last 3 months but I feel it just put more things on the table … I felt overwhelmed each session and anxious talking about our marriage..

Anyways, Am I wrong to leave while he is doing “better” ? 🙄

I’m just confused on if I’m wrong for wanting to leave now? 
 

Also I feel like I’m just as bad as him now because I have reconnected with an old friend. This old friend has been listening to my troubles and I feel bad for confiding in him when I wish all these years my husband would have reciprocated the love and care I was giving to him so effortlessly. I feel I shouldn’t be confiding in anyone other than my therapist… but ugh idk 

Does anyone have some advice? Or words of encouragement?

thanks for reading..

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Kw114 said:

Other people say, well he didn’t physically cheat on you sooo..

Who the heck is telling you this? Whomever it is clearly has a warped and dysfunctional view of love and commitment and respect. 

4 hours ago, Kw114 said:

I feel I shouldn’t be confiding in anyone other than my therapist

No, you shouldn't. I get why it's nice to have some attention and support, but you need to cut this out. 

Your marriage is dead in the water and you should have left ages ago. I wouldn't care if he's "doing better" now. The damage is done and it's time to regain your life and find happiness. It's never going to come from a trainwreck like this, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Kw114 said:

  I wish all these years my husband would have reciprocated the love and care I was giving to him so effortlessly.

How often is your husband away on deployments? Unfortunately you're unhappy in the marriage and that goes beyond his sexual proclivities behind your back. 

Perhaps a trial separation to sort things out would be useful. Don't count on him changing or hope that therapy will fix his sexual addictions, deceitfulness or change his personality.

Clearly getting involved in an online emotional affair won't help you either. 

Perhaps speak to an attorney about your options in divorce and separation. Are you working? Do you have trusted friends and family you can talk to or stay with?

Make sure if you do decide to take a break that you do so legally through a legal separation rather than risk abandonment and child custody issues. You can't just take your child and pick up and leave. Marriage is a legal and financial contract you'll have to sort out.

 

[Lambert]

I am the type of person that doesn't need proof. If I don't believe you, that's my proof. It's speaks to how I feel about how much I can trust you and depend on you, which is the whole point of ANY relationship.

I also don't listen to or confide in people who tell me how I should feel or how I should judge how people act in MY relationships. How dare someone try to invalidate my feelings.

I know what I expect from my partner and "technicalities" on betrayal doesn't work for me. 

Your hubs has shown you his character- sneaky, lying, dodging, getting away with anything and everything he can.  You confront him with proof and he just gets better at hiding it. 

If you don't find the strength to go, then you're just accepting this as your life....  no one can change another person and no one can live your life for you. 

What others would accept is not your concern.  you have to do you. 

good luck getting out.  it sounds like this guy is slowly killing you and destroying any chance you have a being authentically happy with yourself. 

 

[Kw114]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Who the heck is telling you this? Whomever it is clearly has a warped and dysfunctional view of love and commitment and respect. 

No, you shouldn't. I get why it's nice to have some attention and support, but you need to cut this out. 

Your marriage is dead in the water and you should have left ages ago. I wouldn't care if he's "doing better" now. The damage is done and it's time to regain your life and find happiness. It's never going to come from a trainwreck like this, OP. 

Thanks for commenting, and I tried to get support from my mother but she told me that it wasn’t a big deal, and she didn’t understand why I’d leave if he hadn’t physically cheated.

One day he even confessed “sometimes I think you don’t know how good you’ve got it. There’s wives out there who are getting worse like physical cheating, getting beat on, etc” - that statement was said to me before years ago, and that’s how I know he isn’t really remorseful.
 

And yes the confiding in someone else is wrong. I will refocus my attention on myself and self worth.

 

 

 

 

[Coily]

This guy is definitely acting in a scummy way, and has no intention to change; as evidenced by his continued subterfuge. 

Quote

One day he even confessed “sometimes I think you don’t know how good you’ve got it. There’s wives out there who are getting worse like physical cheating, getting beat on, etc” - that statement was said to me before years ago, and that’s how I know he isn’t really remorseful.

That line alone should have you running for the hills. You are going to be trapped in a cycle of him being deceptive, you feeling that pit in your stomach, and then repeating the whole cycle.

Usually I'm reluctant to jump on the divorce train, as there are usually one-sided evidence being presented. However, in this case there is only one path forward as he has been given ample opportunity to turn himself around, and that path is separation and likely divorce.

Now keep in mind as you start this path your husband still needs to see his son, so start thinking about co-parenting. I would also advise that you start the separation before his next deployment or change of post, out of more kindness than he's shown you.

It's also fine to confide with anyone you please, as long as they listen and give honest feedback. I know that will put me in the minority here, but therapists aren't the end all be all when seeking advice. Now the old male friend may not be the best choice to confide this in, but you know your friends.

 

[Batya33]

Why the semantics over physical cheating? Do you go by legal standards or your values? I knew a woman who moderated a facebook group and stole from people - embezzlement through a fake fundraiser.  I wasn't a victim because I didn't donate to the charity.  But she lied to me prior to that to get me to do her a huge favor -lied by omission -I would never have vouched for her had I known!

She never stole from me.  (Yes she served time for this and also had lied about a past conviction as part of getting to moderate the group/participate in the fundraiser). 

But I never was friends with her again or communicated with her in any way (we are still FB linked but I don't interacts).

It depends on your values -if your values are it must be adultery to be a dealbreaker I mean sure thing -couples can agree on whatever they want.  Or if your values are if my mother says it's ok it's ok.  But be honest with yourself.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Andrina]

His behavior has likely killed the love you need to have for a lifetime partner. And no, you don't sacrifice your happiness because a partner looks as though he's on a better path. You have to have your own back, and do what's best for yourself. 

For now, make a list of everything you need to do to get this divorce rolling. I know it's natural to seek comfort like a band-aid from another caring man at this time, but it's not the right thing to do at this point.

It's time to concentrate on yourself and especially on your son, getting him used to a new family dynamic, without your attention turned to another man. The time for that is much later, when you and your son are settled into your new lives. Believe me, you will be happy you waited to date again, when you won't be rebounding, and your son can handle it when you begin dating.

If your husband reacts badly to divorce, explain to him how you two co-parenting in a respectful and kind manner, will be the best for your son, psychologically. If you live in America, many states require parents to attend one class where that subject is discussed, before a divorce is granted.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Jibralta]

On 4/19/2023 at 10:19 PM, Kw114 said:

we get past that bump

Bump? That's the understatement of the year.

Or did you mean to say "bomb," which is the more appropriate categorization?

On 4/19/2023 at 10:19 PM, Kw114 said:

Anyways, Am I wrong to leave while he is doing “better” ? 🙄

No. "Better" is just an act that he maintains until you stop complaining.

The only thing that bugs me is the male friend who is acting as a confidant. It's your life, but if you're looking to monkey branch your way out of this relationship, I think it's a bad idea.

I don't expect you to admit to the monkey-branch thing; you have a hard enough time admitting to the actual state of your marriage (remember 'bump'?). Just keep in mind that monkey branching is not going to help you. It'll just make muddy waters even muddier. But maybe that's what you want. We all have our preferences.

[Kw114]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Bump? That's the understatement of the year.

Or did you mean to say "bomb," which is the more appropriate categorization?

No. "Better" is just an act that he maintains until you stop complaining.

The only thing that bugs me is the male friend who is acting as a confidant. It's your life, but if you're looking to monkey branch your way out of this relationship, I think it's a bad idea.

I don't expect you to admit to the monkey-branch thing; you have a hard enough time admitting to the actual state of your marriage (remember 'bump'?). Just keep in mind that monkey branching is not going to help you. It'll just make muddy waters even muddier. But maybe that's what you want. We all have our preferences.

I am not monkey-branching. I don’t desire to hop into another relationship at all. I’ve known this friend for over 13 years, and he is a great listener but I know better. Instead of leaving my marriage and making the same mistakes again, I’m wiser now to fix myself and give myself the love I deserve. I desire independence, and the ability to live my life without being anxious or being treated like scum. And I have taken accountability for my actions in this marriage; I abandoned loving myself for the sake of showing someone how much I love them. I’m not naive like I was when I first began this journey.. only a fool doesn’t learn from their mistakes. 
 

And I referred to that situation as a “bump” because I thought it was just that. I didn’t expect more bs to come; I was naive, lacked self awareness & love. 🤷‍♀️

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Kw114 said:

only a fool doesn’t learn from their mistakes.

Not true.

Some people need to run through a whole gamut of experiences before coming to a conclusion about their behavior. That's not a fool; that's a person who suspends their judgment until they collect enough evidence to make a decision.

Now, there's this absolutely ridiculous quote that's been around for years, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It's usually attributed to Einstein, I guess so that nobody ever questions it. 

I think that saying is a load of crap. Even eighth graders know that the Scientific Method demands that you test your hypothesis several times through experimentation to confirm your results. You can't just expect the same thing is going to happen over and over again. Can you imagine if the FDA tested drugs that way? We ran the experiment on one person and it was fine. Why would we do the same thing over and over again. We're not insane.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that it often takes time to recognize that you might be making a mistake, and then it takes even more time to stop making that mistake. For example, you minimized the situation in 2018 , you minimized it again in 2019, you minimized it again in 2020, again in 2021, and finally proof in 2022.... but you're still here well into 2023. He's been unfaithful, lied to your face repeatedly, made you feel insane, but you're still on the fence about leaving. I think that's because you're trying to understand the situation. 

I think that a couple years down the line, you will probably look back on all of this and see that you've made the same mistake over and over again--minimizing. And that you wasted a lot of time minimizing. The first time, you were naïve. But what about the second, third, fourth, and fifth times? I don't know what your excuse would be for not learning after (at least) four more repeats of the same behavior.

Frankly, I don't see any reason to make an excuse at all. These things happen. Live and learn. C'est la vie. What matters is that you don't make things even harder for yourself by calling yourself a "fool" for not learning the first time. Just make sure you do learn and that you move on to better things.

[Kw114]

35 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Not true.

Some people need to run through a whole gamut of experiences before coming to a conclusion about their behavior. That's not a fool; that's a person who suspends their judgment until they collect enough evidence to make a decision.

Now, there's this absolutely ridiculous quote that's been around for years, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It's usually attributed to Einstein, I guess so that nobody ever questions it. 

I think that saying is a load of crap. Even eighth graders know that the Scientific Method demands that you test your hypothesis several times through experimentation to confirm your results. You can't just expect the same thing is going to happen over and over again. Can you imagine if the FDA tested drugs that way? We ran the experiment on one person and it was fine. Why would we do the same thing over and over again. We're not insane.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that it often takes time to recognize that you might be making a mistake, and then it takes even more time to stop making that mistake. For example, you minimized the situation in 2018 , you minimized it again in 2019, you minimized it again in 2020, again in 2021, and finally proof in 2022.... but you're still here well into 2023. He's been unfaithful, lied to your face repeatedly, made you feel insane, but you're still on the fence about leaving. I think that's because you're trying to understand the situation. 

I think that a couple years down the line, you will probably look back on all of this and see that you've made the same mistake over and over again--minimizing. And that you wasted a lot of time minimizing. The first time, you were naïve. But what about the second, third, fourth, and fifth times? I don't know what your excuse would be for not learning after (at least) four more repeats of the same behavior.

Frankly, I don't see any reason to make an excuse at all. These things happen. Live and learn. C'est la vie. What matters is that you don't make things even harder for yourself by calling yourself a "fool" for not learning the first time. Just make sure you do learn and that you move on to better things.

Ok. 

[MissCanuck]

On 4/20/2023 at 3:07 PM, Kw114 said:

I tried to get support from my mother but she told me that it wasn’t a big deal, and she didn’t understand why I’d leave if he hadn’t physically cheated.

Then you need to not go to your mom again for relationship advice. She is giving you bad advice. 

This sort of raising may certainly explain why you have tolerated so much mistreatment and don't seem to understand the gravity of what this man is doing, though. Somewhere along the way, the adults in your life modeled a very unhealthy concept of "love" to you. 

You can break that cycle right now. 

[gamon]

ex obsession, sex addition, lack of interest in getting individual counseling to try to fix what's clearly broken, inappropriate messaging with numerous women on dating sites, and lying to you for the better part of a decade aren't just a bump, they're dealbreakers. Each and every one of them. And you've got a boatload.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Kw114 said:

. I desire independence, and the ability to live my life without being anxious or being treated like scum. . 

These are good goals. Especially now that you have a child's life to consider. All you have to do is contact an attorney for advice on how to proceed. Since you're married and a child is involved, you'll need legal advice about separation.

It seems like you've started to decide that you're unhappy and the solution may be to dissolve the marriage. But. Now you'll need to take action. You'll need a plan in place to live apart and arrange child custody. 

It doesn't matter who you confide in or who gives you what advice. What matters is you've tried to work it out and your instincts tell you it just isn't viable any longer.

It's not about what anyone "deserves". It's about making the right decisions for yourself and your child based on the facts you've gathered so far.