Please give me the words to tell him that I just want to be friends.

[girlygruv2]

A few days ago, I met a guy online--on Reddit, actually. We chatted online, then exchanged numbers/photos, and have texted/called since.

From the beginning, amidst our great conversations, things have been flirty. We even had phone sex one night. Now, I want to slow my roll and I want to be realistic: we're in two different states, he's a decade older, and it's always best to start things off with friendship.

I don't want to cut him out my life completely. What I do want, from now on, is to stick to being great (platonic) pen pals, also freeing us up to date people IRL. I think that's the healthiest thing to do.

I'm wondering how to initiate a conversation I need to have.

We haven't spoke in over a day. No hard feelings, just busy. The last thing we talked about was taxes, lol.

I don't know if I should go straight into a "Hey, let's be friends text" out of the blue, or initiate a regular chat then maneuver into it, or something else. 

Please help!

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, girlygruv2 said:

 I met a guy online--on Reddit, . We even had phone sex one night.  we're in two different states, he's a decade older, 

Just tell him it's not working out, then delete and block him. He seems a bit creepy. He doesn't want penpals, he wants free sexual entertainment.

[spinstermanquee]

Who needs friends like that?  Not me...

[girlygruv2]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just tell him it's not working out, then delete and block him. He seems a bit creepy. He doesn't want penpals, he wants free sexual entertainment.

I did it willingly. And I don't regret it, but I do have different desires for this friendship/relationship thinking about it again. 

I had this in my drafts to send to him. Is it clear? Does it sound good?

I do want to slow down. I think we jumped the gun despite our first intentions and I want to give this a genuine shot. I say let's get to know each other without the sexual stuff going forward. What do you think?

[Coily]

17 minutes ago, girlygruv2 said:

 

I do want to slow down. I think we jumped the gun despite our first intentions and I want to give this a genuine shot. I say let's get to know each other without the sexual stuff going forward. What do you think?

This is a far cry from let's just be friends.

The question you need to ask yourself is do you want a relationship or just friends?  As it seems you want to go slow and develop the relationship, not slam on the brakes and quash it completely. As being just friends will end things. The above draft is good if you want to develop a relationship.

I don't think it will ever evolve past what it's been, but you should ask.

[Starlight925]

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

He knows what you look like, sound like, and act like during (phone) sex.  

No matter what you say, it will always lead back to that.

Sorry, but in the future, if you want to be friends first, then be friends first.

[girlygruv2]

8 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

He knows what you look like, sound like, and act like during (phone) sex.  

No matter what you say, it will always lead back to that.

Sorry, but in the future, if you want to be friends first, then be friends first.

Yeah, definitely learned that lesson. He responded, said, "that's fine, no worries." AKA, I'm highly likely about to be ghosted. 😂

Oh well. It's alright if he does. I'll be clearer with my boundaries from the start with the next one. 

[girlygruv2]

50 minutes ago, Coily said:

This is a far cry from let's just be friends.

 

35 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

 

He responded. I made a joke about ghosting, and he said something along the lines of, "Nah, I don't ghost, but there's a much higher chance of friend zoning. I develop feelings all at once or not at all, so admittedly on my end I've never had a relationship develop from taking things slow."

Which I'm fine with. Just friendship is great to me. I'm thinking about saying, "I respect that. Let's put the whole relationship thing out of our heads and let this just be friends."

Does that sound good?

[Starlight925]

Honestly, I'd be shocked if he responds in the way you want.

He doesn't want to be friends.  He wants phone sex.

You'll send this note, he'll respond for a few days as a friend, and he'll initiate phone sex again.

Don't believe me?  Come back and tell us how it went.

[girlygruv2]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Don't believe me?  Come back and tell us how it went.

I don't doubt you. I'll come back and update with how it goes. My hopes are not high for any particular reaction. It just feels good to be upfront about what I want, even if it was done late.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, in the future, don't give out your number to strangers on Reddit. 

You have no idea who this man really is. It's not the wise way to go about connecting with people. For all you know, he is not the person he presents himself to be. 

Be more careful in the future. Let this guy disappear. 

[Jaunty]

I'm baffled.  

You encountered this fellow a few days ago.  On Reddit.

You don't want to "cut him out of your life completely"?  

How is an Internet stranger who you have chatted with for a few days even in your life enough to have to make an issue out of it?  Even though you had phone sex?  

I'm sorry but I have to say that you certainly could have figured this one out by yourself.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, girlygruv2 said:

 freeing us up to date people IRL. I think that's the healthiest thing to do.

 Agree, you're better off seeking out real life friends and relationships.

You're not in a relationship with this Reddit sexter, so nothing is stopping you from getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and starting to talk to and meet real-life local men. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you having phone sex with a stranger from Reddit means you cant date others. Under what kind of rules you operate? I dont think he thinks you are in a relationship after few days. You are basically strangers. 

Also why are you giving your personal informations and having phone sex with strangers?

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, girlygruv2 said:

I don't doubt you. I'll come back and update with how it goes. My hopes are not high for any particular reaction. It just feels good to be upfront about what I want, even if it was done late.

This is not about friendship or ghosting or friend zoning.  It's an online stranger you chatted and sexted with.  You have no idea if he's a decade older, or younger than you, or his background or whether he's married/committed/straight.  He's a stranger.  

I never agreed to date anyone who wanted "friends first" - because I wanted to date a person in person and get to know them where our mindset was to see if there was a romantic attraction and date each other and be affectionate when appropriate -when comfortable, when we both wanted to. 

Friends first so often means to me the person regrets getting sexual too early (as you did with this stranger if indeed you saw yourself dating him -obviously he now knows you're willing to communicate that way with a stranger about sex -not a great look for a woman especially -and obviously he is likely not looking for anything serious with you seeing where you live and his willingness to have phone sex).  Friends first suggests to me the person thinks being sexually attracted and affectionate while dating is a bad instead of a really fun and even beautiful thing. 

There's no reason to have intercourse with someone you just started dating nor is there a reason to draw a line in the sand of friends first. Busy people looking to date often have enough friends and aren't going to waste time especially on a traditional date night with someone who insists on something called "friends first".  

Decide what you want instead of overhinking how to stop contact with a stranger you had phone sex and chats with.  Good luck!

[girlygruv2]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This is not about friendship or ghosting or friend zoning.  It's an online stranger you chatted and sexted with.  You have no idea if he's a decade older, or younger than you, or his background or whether he's married/committed/straight.  He's a stranger.  

Isn't this true for anyone you meet online, including dating apps? When you go on an app and before you agree to meet in person, there's still a period of a few days of exchanging information, talking on the phone, messaging back and forth, etc. Anyone you get to meet online--social media or a dating app--is a stranger, yet people encourage dating apps all the time.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Friends first suggests to me the person thinks being sexually attracted and affectionate while dating is a bad instead of a really fun and even beautiful thing. 

There's no reason to have intercourse with someone you just started dating nor is there a reason to draw a line in the sand of friends first.

This contradicts so much of what you said before, Batya. 😂 You often encourage people to take things slow, get to know each other, delay sex as long as possible, etc. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Friends first so often means to me the person regrets getting sexual too early (as you did with this stranger if indeed you saw yourself dating him -obviously he now knows you're willing to communicate that way with a stranger about sex -not a great look for a woman especially--and obviously he is likely not looking for anything serious with you seeing where you live and his willingness to have phone sex). 

Which sucks, because this is my first time doing anything like this. And I'm a virgin.

Either way, I should have made things strictly non-sexual from the beginning and just gotten to know him. But on the other hand, I don't regret the things I did in and of itself--I had a great time meeting and chatting with him. Oh well!

[girlygruv2]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think you having phone sex with a stranger from Reddit means you cant date others. Under what kind of rules you operate? I dont think he thinks you are in a relationship after few days. You are basically strangers. 

I didn't think we were in a relationship either? I didn't even say the "so we can date others" part. 

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also why are you giving your personal informations and having phone sex with strangers?

The phone sex I could have left behind, but meeting anyone online (dating app or otherwise) requires disclosing some amount of personal information from both parties...

[girlygruv2]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Agree, you're better off seeking out real life friends and relationships.

You're not in a relationship with this Reddit sexter, so nothing is stopping you from getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and starting to talk to and meet real-life local men. 

Agreed! I'm signing up for Hinge today. I wasn't tying myself to this Reddit guy nor thinking we had any kind of relationship 😂😎

[girlygruv2]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm baffled.  

You encountered this fellow a few days ago.  On Reddit.

You don't want to "cut him out of your life completely"?  

How is an Internet stranger who you have chatted with for a few days even in your life enough to have to make an issue out of it?  Even though you had phone sex?  

I'm sorry but I have to say that you certainly could have figured this one out by yourself.

I just mean I want to keep chatting with him. Ignoring the phone sex we had, we had great conversations too. He's funny and smart--and even if things are just friends between us from now on--I'd love to keep talking with him.

Didn't mean to make the message sound like I was in love with this man after a few days and thought we had a relationship going on...🙃😂

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, girlygruv2 said:

I just mean I want to keep chatting with him. Besides the phone sex we had, we had great conversations too. He's funny and smart--and even if things are just friends between us from now on--I'd love to keep talking with him.

Didn't mean to make the message sound like I was in love with this man after a few days and thought we had a relationship going on...🙃😂

I would find someone else to chat with since phone sex was a focus of your interactions.  There are many online chat buddies to have funny and smart conversations with.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, girlygruv2 said:

Isn't this true for anyone you meet online, including dating apps? When you go on an app and before you agree to meet in person, there's still a period of a few days of exchanging information, talking on the phone, messaging back and forth, etc. Anyone you get to meet online--social media or a dating app--is a stranger, yet people encourage dating apps all the time.

Yes they're strangers until you meet.  When it comes to dating purposes if you want to date someone in real life I'd exchange a few messages, have one phone call and do a first meet of about an hour, sober, in a public place in an area you are familiar with.  Then go on a real date if it makes sense.

If you want to date online, have online sex or meet up for sex I wouldn't know how to go about that.

If you want chat buddies or online friends I wouldn't do so through dating apps and with rare exception I'd restrict it to same sex and through people you know in real life or a likeminded FB group.  For example I have online friends through mom groups, community groups and book groups.  Platonic friends.  All women.  I've met a few women in real life through forums like this one over the years.  

I encourage dating sites as one way to meet people in real life to date.  I don't encourage online dating or having phone sex with strangers.  That's not dating or friendship.

[Jaunty]

15 minutes ago, girlygruv2 said:

I didn't think we were in a relationship either? I didn't even say the "so we can date others" part. 

You wrote this:

Quote

What I do want, from now on, is to stick to being great (platonic) pen pals, also freeing us up to date people IRL.

Regardless of what you said to this guy, you somehow felt like you were in a position where you needed to "free" yourselves up to date others.  This implies exclusivity.  With a guy you encountered a few days ago on Reddit!  

Can you understand why this is not easy to follow for some (most) of us?

[girlygruv2]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes they're strangers until you meet.  When it comes to dating purposes if you want to date someone in real life I'd exchange a few messages, have one phone call and do a first meet of about an hour, sober, in a public place in an area you are familiar with.  Then go on a real date if it makes sense.

If you want to date online, have online sex or meet up for sex I wouldn't know how to go about that.

If you want chat buddies or online friends I wouldn't do so through dating apps and with rare exception I'd restrict it to same sex and through people you know in real life or a likeminded FB group.  For example I have online friends through mom groups, community groups and book groups.  Platonic friends.  All women.  I've met a few women in real life through forums like this one over the years.  

I encourage dating sites as one way to meet people in real life to date.  I don't encourage online dating or having phone sex with strangers.  That's not dating or friendship.

I agree. 

I tried to salvage a friendship out of a weird, blurred lines online encounter. My mistake.

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Regardless of what you said to this guy, you somehow felt like you were in a position where you needed to "free" yourselves up to date others.  This implies exclusivity.  With a guy you encountered a few days ago on Reddit!  

Can you understand why this is not easy to follow for some (most) of us?

Bad wording. Either way, it was just a reiteration of what was already true--we're already to free to date other people. I knew that. 

 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, girlygruv2 said:

This contradicts so much of what you said before, Batya. 😂 You often encourage people to take things slow, get to know each other, delay sex as long as possible, etc. 

No I actually don't.  I mean date someone and don't delay intercourse unless you both want to delay intercourse.  I believe in getting to know someone through dating in every way and not categorizing it as friends first which makes it seem negative to be romantically attracted, sexually attracted, affectionate, passionate, feel desire.  All of those feelings are wonderful aspects of dating and getting to know each other -not to be restrained or seen as "uh oh then I won't know him as a friend" (whatever that means). 

People who want to be in a relationship value getting to know the whole person - including the person's personality, how they smell, how their hand feels when they hold hands, what they like to do together and what adventures they enjoy together or might in the future and what they have in common.

Many people choose to delay having intercourse for a number of reasons -because they get emotionally attached through sex (me), because they don't enjoy or desire sex outside of a loving committed relationship (also me), because they are afraid of accidental pregnancy particulary where abortion would not be a real option (also me).

I never ever delayed sex "as long as possible" -I delayed until it was consistent with my values - being in a loving committed relationship with serious potential for marriage and being on the same page about accidental pregnancy.  I made one sort of exception once which I regretted.  I didn't do "as long as possible" because that to me would mean I thought of sex as negative or something to be delayed because it might ruin things.  Not at all! The opposite!  I typically waited between 3-5 months or longer. 

Every one of my serious partners except one were completely into that as well.  One wasn't into waiting as long as it turned out -I was a virgin - and back then thought I'd wait for marriage- but ironically he ended up realizing later in life he preferred men and we had awesome chemistry and passion.  Life is strange.

Also I'm not a fan of delaying kissing/hand holding, affection too long.  I mean for me if I didn't desire to kiss the person by the 4th date I knew we weren't a romantic match.  I didn't need to kiss by then but I preferred to.  

[Andrina]

Since you crossed the line into sexting, it's in the best interest for a future relationship with someone else, that you no longer communicate with the Reddit guy. I know if I started dating a guy who communicated with a woman he once sexted, even if he said they were just online friends and would never be anything more, I'd no longer date him.

You're sabotaging yourself because of a mere stranger if you stay in contact.

The fact you became so invested in him so quickly means you're not properly engaging with local people enough for both friendship and romance. Get out into the real world. And beside OLD like Hinge, try Meetup.com groups. I also suggest reading books about the best way to date in today's world.