Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[swilliams]

I've had a FWB for 6 weeks now. Definitely feelings involved, we vibe very well even outside of sex. We hangout weekly, and have talked everyday all day since we met. he was open about being fwb in the beginning saying he isn't emotionally avail, takes time to commit etc, can't be exclusive.  So sure he was honest, but his actions state otherwise. Tells me often how awesome I am, that he cares a lot about me, how highly he thinks of me

- We talk everyday all day

- Cuddle a LOT even when not having sex. Have spent the night w/out sex

-Spend the night every weekend

- Went on a 5 day trip together

-He gets jealous

- We go on dates

- PDA in public and behind closed doors

- Doesn't hide hanging out w me from family / co workers / friends

 

I havent been in the dating scene in years, and this is hard for me. He feels/acts like a boyfriend. We have an emotionall connection.... if i was to dip out today he would be upset.

Whats the best way to handle this to avoid getting hurt?

[swilliams]

he even remembers boyfriend things...

 

when to take my meds

when i had stuff scheduled at a certain time...

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, swilliams said:

. he was open about being fwb in the beginning saying he isn't emotionally avail, takes time to commit etc, can't be exclusive.  

There's no precise rules or definition for FWB, so being nice to you and spending time together is just part of it. Even though he does "BF things", he's still acting casual and noncommittal.

The most important thing to do is believe him that he is casual, not committed and not exclusive. This way you can guard your heart and soul properly based on his straight forward clear cut warning.

[smackie9]

Have a conversation with him about it. If he feels the same way and wants to date you , then fine, but if it's not on his mind to, then the arrangement should end. When feelings get involved, it's no longer being "friends" all it's gonna do is hurt you.

Just my advice, when starting an arrangement like this, you need to set boundaries, and some rules, like if someone catches feelings, or dating others, or how much time is spent together, etc. To avoid fuzzy borders.

[swilliams]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no precise rules or definition for FWB, so being nice to you and spending time together is just part of it. Even though he does "BF things", he's still acting casual and noncommittal.

The most important thing to do is believe him that he is casual, not committed and not exclusive. This way you can guard your heart and soul properly based on his straight forward clear cut warning.

Im trying to believe him, but the way i feel when together just offsets it :./

[swilliams]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Have a conversation with him about it. If he feels the same way and wants to date you , then fine, but if it's not on his mind to, then the arrangement should end. When feelings get involved, it's no longer being "friends" all it's gonna do is hurt you.

Just my advice, when starting an arrangement like this, you need to set boundaries, and some rules, like if someone catches feelings, or dating others, or how much time is spent together, etc. To avoid fuzzy borders.

I have, and while he has feelings too, he still says the same thing.  It doesn't feel like we are just "Friends" even those around us who have seen us together, agree.

[swilliams]

And what about boundaries for his jealousy?

He got mad at me once for wearing too short of a dress bc he didnt want others to see/.

[smackie9]

4 minutes ago, swilliams said:

And what about boundaries for his jealousy?

He got mad at me once for wearing too short of a dress bc he didnt want others to see/.

That right there is possessiveness. When I was very young, I thought possessiveness and jealousy was an expression of love. IT IS NOT! That's someone that wants complete control over you. Now it's apparently clear, he is reeling you in making you confused, using his BF behaviour like a carrot on a stick. He wants to weaken you girl. It's time to run...

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, swilliams said:

And what about boundaries for his jealousy?

He got mad at me once for wearing too short of a dress bc he didnt want others to see/.

This I would make clear you have exactly zero patience for. Doesn't have anything to do with FWB vs Serious Relationship, but just basic maturity. You are not a possession of his, you can wear whatever you want, wherever you want. That he has already shown an inability to handle that, running parallel to his professions of being casual only—honestly, that's kind of the stuff to run from. Do you enjoy making him jealous or view his jealous as more evidence that he is more into you than he's leading on? 

Big picture, I'd encourage you to listen to him, or anyone, when they clear tell you what they have to give—and what they don't have to give. Sex, kindness, cuddles, remembering things: none of that really has anything to do with being more serious than FWB. It's very simple, really. When people want more than FWB they make it clear. 

 

[swilliams]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That right there is possessiveness. When I was very young, I thought possessiveness and jealousy was an expression of love. IT IS NOT! That's someone that wants complete control over you. Now it's apparently clear, he is reeling you in making you confused, using his BF behaviour like a carrot on a stick. He wants to weaken you girl. It's time to run...

I never thought about it like that..

[swilliams]

Just now, bluecastle said:

This I would make clear you have exactly zero patience for. Doesn't have anything to do with FWB vs Serious Relationship, but just basic maturity. You are not a possession of his, you can wear whatever you want, wherever you want. That he has already shown an inability to handle that, running parallel to his professions of being casual only—honestly, that's kind of the stuff to run from. Do you enjoy making him jealous or view his jealous as more evidence that he is more into you than he's leading on? 

Big picture, I'd encourage you to listen to him, or anyone, when they clear tell you what they have to give—and what they don't have to give. Sex, kindness, cuddles, remembering things: none of that really has anything to do with being more serious than FWB. It's very simple, really. When people want more than FWB they make it clear. 

 

i didnt make him jealous on purpose. i was riding a bike and he didnt like me riding it with a dress n told me to wear pants under

 

so pretty much im dumb haha. he treats me so well i dont even wanna date others sigh

[bluecastle]

You are far from dumb. You are a human being in a very human situation. You like him, enjoy how you feel with him, and find yourself open to being in a relationship. All that is very normal and wonderful. Sadly, when we have these feelings for someone who doesn't want the same time we have to face reality rather than try to bend it to meet our wishes. 

 

[swilliams]

Just now, bluecastle said:

You are far from dumb. You are a human being in a very human situation. You like him, enjoy how you feel with him, and find yourself open to being in a relationship. All that is very normal and wonderful. Sadly, when we have these feelings for someone who doesn't want the same time we have to face reality rather than try to bend it to meet our wishes. 

 

I dont wanna stop seeing him but i wanna detach lol how do people do that haha

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, swilliams said:

I dont wanna stop seeing him but i wanna detach lol how do people do that haha

Some can, some can't. There's really no recipe. I think you need to be honest with where you fall on that spectrum. But one place to start is really listening to what he says, and believing him. As that sinks in, I can't imagine that your feelings for him would stay so potent.

Like, if I am starving and continuously go to a restaurant that does not fill me up, odds are that I will begin to "detach" from that restaurant and treat it more as a place for a snack than a real meal. 

[swilliams]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

Some can, some can't. There's really no recipe. I think you need to be honest with where you fall on that spectrum. But one place to start is really listening to what he says, and believing him. As that sinks in, I can't imagine that your feelings for him would stay so potent.

Like, if I am starving and continuously go to a restaurant that does not fill me up, odds are that I will begin to "detach" from that restaurant and treat it more as a place for a snack than a real meal. 

Ohhh that is a good point. Lol.

Something tells me he won't like when I begin to detach lol

[bluecastle]

3 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Something tells me he won't like when I begin to detach lol

Sure, and something tells me you kind of like seeing him get riled up, because in the moment it reads as "care" or "passion," or some of the thing you really, really want from him that he's said he can't give. 

But from the outside, just being frank? That just looks like drama, immaturity, and ego. Why, after all, does the owner of the restaurant get angry with me when I decide to eat elsewhere? It's not care. He just wants my money.  

[swilliams]

9 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sure, and something tells me you kind of like seeing him get riled up, because in the moment it reads as "care" or "passion," or some of the thing you really, really want from him that he's said he can't give. 

But from the outside, just being frank? That just looks like drama, immaturity, and ego. Why, after all, does the owner of the restaurant get angry with me when I decide to eat elsewhere? It's not care. He just wants my money.  

 Ugh... you are right :/

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately you can't goad him into falling in love with you. He's already told you he won't.

You could keep giving him uncommitted sex and companionship if you want, but it will just make it that much more difficult when he meets someone he does want to commit to.

Remember, people have to respect the person they're in love with. If you keep giving yourself to him it'll show him you don't respect yourself. And if YOU don't respect you why should he? 

Once you meet the guy who does fall madly in love with you (and you with him) you'll be glad you walked away from this situation. 

[swilliams]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Unfortunately you can't goad him into falling in love with you. He's already told you he won't.

You could keep giving him uncommitted sex and companionship if you want, but it will just make it that much more difficult when he meets someone he does want to commit to.

Remember, people have to respect the person they're in love with. If you keep giving yourself to him it'll show him you don't respect yourself. And if YOU don't respect you why should he? 

Once you meet the guy who does fall madly in love with you (and you with him) you'll be glad you walked away from this situation. 

You’re right. I guess I have a history of horrid abusive relationships so this felt so good. 

[boltnrun]

24 minutes ago, swilliams said:

You’re right. I guess I have a history of horrid abusive relationships so this felt so good. 

Have you worked with a therapist to determine why you're attracted to abusive men or why you've chosen to remain in abusive relationships?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

Something tells me he won't like when I begin to detach lol

But probably not enough to actually want to date you. 

You are going to get really hurt here, OP. You are who he's seeing and sleeping with between girlfriends, but believe me when I say you are going to get your heart crushed when he starts actually dating someone and lets your thing fizzle out. Or when he starts prioritizing another FWB. 

Take it from those of who have been where you are - this won't end well if you don't start distancing yourself in a major way now. 

[Tinydance]

Actually just because he gets jealous doesn't mean he has feelings for you. It's common for people to feel possessive over someone they're sleeping with. Probably especially if they know that person is actually into them and they don't want their loyal admirer to get away.

What he said to you about what you were wearing is completely not OK. First of all he's just an FWB so you could be walking around in a bikini and it's none of his business. It's none of his business really what you do, what you wear, or who you're seeing. He gives up those rights because he doesn't want to be your actual boyfriend. He acted very controlling and possessive but you seem to want to read something nice into it.

I know because you like him, you want to believe he likes you too. I'm sorry to say but while he might like you as a person, I don't think he actually has feelings for you. There is nothing stopping him from actually being your boyfriend. He isn't because he doesn't want to be. Usually people do FWB because they like the sex and having someone to hang out with. Ultimately he probably either doesn't want a relationship, or he doesn't want one with you.

I actually had an FWB for about 2.5 years. He was polyamorous and didn't want kids and marriage. Whereas I'm not poly and I wanted kids and marriage. So we agreed on FWB. I thought he was a nice guy and attractive but I actually didn't have much feelings for him. I basically just saw him as a good friend. I'm not the sort of person who asks someone to have sex and then just tells them to leave. So we did hang out, go get food, go for walks, watch movies. I was fine with hanging with him but I was dating other people because I was looking for someone else. When I actually found someone I straight away ended the FWB. I hate to tell you this but usually an FWB is just a "place filler" until that person finds someone else they actually want to date.

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, swilliams said:

I've had a FWB for 6 weeks now. Definitely feelings involved, we vibe very well even outside of sex. We hangout weekly, and have talked everyday all day since we met. he was open about being fwb in the beginning saying he isn't emotionally avail, takes time to commit etc, can't be exclusive.  So sure he was honest, but his actions state otherwise. Tells me often how awesome I am, that he cares a lot about me, how highly he thinks of me

- We talk everyday all day

- Cuddle a LOT even when not having sex. Have spent the night w/out sex

-Spend the night every weekend

- Went on a 5 day trip together

-He gets jealous

- We go on dates

- PDA in public and behind closed doors

- Doesn't hide hanging out w me from family / co workers / friends

 

I haven't been in the dating scene in years, and this is hard for me. He feels/acts like a boyfriend. We have an emotional connection.... if i was to dip out today he would be upset.

Whats the best way to handle this to avoid getting hurt?

You avoid getting hurt by reeling yourself back into the original agreement which is FWB only and nothing more.  Think of it as a mutual arrangement.  If you feel emotionally drawn to him,  you're only setting yourself up for disappointment and pain.  Lower your expectations to nil to the point of feeling numb.  If you cannot do this,  it's better to end it now.  No sense wasting your time,  energy and resources on a man who isn't serious about you while you develop an emotional pull towards him.  This relationship is going nowhere.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

.Something tells me he won't like when I begin to detach.

That's ok. Everything is on his terms, but to your detriment. Since he wants non-exclusive, noncommittal, you're free to date whoever you want.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Use his no-strings "rules" to your advantage.

Once you distance yourself from him by talking to and dating others, you'll not only start finding men who want what you want, but you'll start to realize what a raw deal he's offering.

[Username02]

You already negotiated the terms of the arrangement-  you can negotiate new new terms by directly asking them if they want to take the arrangement out of bed.

If the arrangement is hurting you, get out of it.

Sometimes the FWB is an addiction- literally.  People become addicted to they oxytocin that is released with sex.