Husband and I are at odds . Should I move on

[LootieTootie]

Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP.

[MissCanuck]

Divorce him. 

That is the only viable option, and frankly, I am surprised you have put up with this for as long as you have. 

 

[catfeeder]

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

I doubt you envision this being your future. So why not just get out of this today? Seek legal services or legal aid, or consult a women's shelter for an appointment with a counselor and referrals to resources that can help you with a safe plan to get out of this as quickly as possible.

My heart goes out to you.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/11/2023 at 10:04 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

 , he just aburptly stopped paying half the rent ., plus he doesn’t help with the car note , not even the insurance ,  groceries or toiletries , nothing  at all .  he has been flirting with other women . 

Unfortunately you'll have to get separated/divorced before you can ask him to leave. Do not leave the residence.

Do you suspect he's supporting a mistress or spending money on women, bad habits, drugs, etc. He's not who he presented himself to be. Therefore you may be able to annul the marriage affordably and quickly. For now, stop letting him use the car. Stop buying him things. 

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not who he presented himself to be.

I disagree, he is exactly who he presented himself to be as evidenced here:

On 4/11/2023 at 7:29 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

He was underemployed when I met him . When I met him , he was staying a office space for 300.00 without a bathroom and kitchen  with a part time remote data entry job .

The problem was expecting him to "change". He isn't interested in changing. Plus, now he has someone to pay all the bills while he uses his paltry paycheck on himself and other women. 

I would chalk it up to a poor decision and dissolve this marriage ASAP. 

[Tiffany1981]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you'll have to get separated/divorced before you can ask him to leave. Do not leave the residence.

Do you suspect he's supporting a mistress or spending money on women, bad habits, drugs, etc. He's not who he presented himself to be. Therefore you may be able to annul the marriage affordably and quickly. For now, stop letting him use the car. Stop buying him things. 

I suspect he May be using his money towards other woman . Just based off the text messages I found a few months ago . He sent a woman 100.00 to see her masterbating herself . Then another woman he met with lunch to discuss “business” . Then some other woman he was telling her he wanted to take her on vacations and help fund her business . 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

 . He sent a woman 100.00 to see her masterbating herself . Then another woman he met with lunch to discuss “business” . Then some other woman he was telling her he wanted to take her on vacations and help fund her business . 

Please contact an attorney. You have the ways and means to.  You're aware of what's going on. You pay all the bills and have money for an attorney. Check your credit cards, bank accounts, credit score,etc.

Unless there is a BDSM situation going on it's unclear why you are subsidizing his philandering.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

I suspect he May be using his money towards other woman . Just based off the text messages I found a few months ago . He sent a woman 100.00 to see her masterbating herself . Then another woman he met with lunch to discuss “business” . Then some other woman he was telling her he wanted to take her on vacations and help fund her business . 

You realize the woman he met with now knows where he lives -which is where you live.  Same most likely with the vacation woman.  Then those women will know more about the finances etc.  And if it's a shady business and he does business out of your home it's also where you live.  One of my friends got an angry letter from her partner's affair partner in a similar situation.  Luckily it was just words.  But she knew where they lived.  The only reason it was resolved is her partner died suddenly within the year.  

Be careful and get resources to make sure you are safe.

[catfeeder]

23 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

I suspect he May be using his money towards other woman . Just based off the text messages I found a few months ago . He sent a woman 100.00 to see her masterbating herself . Then another woman he met with lunch to discuss “business” . Then some other woman he was telling her he wanted to take her on vacations and help fund her business . 

You can keep complaining about him, but nobody here can do anything about the situation but you.

What would you like to do about this?

 

[MissCanuck]

On 4/15/2023 at 3:59 AM, Tiffany1981 said:

I suspect he May be using his money towards other woman . Just based off the text messages I found a few months ago . He sent a woman 100.00 to see her masterbating herself . Then another woman he met with lunch to discuss “business” . Then some other woman he was telling her he wanted to take her on vacations and help fund her business . 

So...what are you going to do about it? 

[Tiffany1981]

Update : so he left to go to work last night Lyft was giving out bonuses for drivers . As he was leaving , he had a change of clothes in his hands I just casually ask him the reason for the change of clothes . He replied “just in case I get pulled over by the cops” and then left for the night . Didn’t come back home until 5:30 am this morning . Sometimes he works nights which I verified but why the change of clothes ??then when I texted him after he leaves I ask him are we still married “ in a romantic way “ he replied “YES , but why are you always hating on me , I can’t do anything or make any money because you are always questioning me about everything. Was I in the wrong ?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Update : so he left to go to work last night Lyft was giving out bonuses for drivers . As he was leaving , he had a change of clothes in his hands I just casually ask him the reason for the change of clothes . He replied “just in case I get pulled over by the cops” and then left for the night . Didn’t come back home until 5:30 am this morning . Sometimes he works nights which I verified but why the change of clothes ??then when I texted him after he leaves I ask him are we still married “ in a romantic way “ he replied “YES , but why are you always hating on me , I can’t do anything or make any money because you are always questioning me about everything. Was I in the wrong ?

It's not about "wrong" it's about your approach - you're interrogating him and then texting him about a really crucial aspect of marriage- while he's working! Your approach is kind of self-absorbed/high maintenance and not consistent with trusting your husband and being supportive when he's about to work overnight.  

[LootieTootie]

Did you not read any feedback? Why are you still with him?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Husband and I are at odds . Should I move on?

What exactly do you mean by "move on"? If you are legally married you'll have to get divorced in order to "move on".  However you're now asking him rhetorical questions about if "you're still married romantically" in order to check up on him and seek reassurance.  You seem quite unhappy yet undecided.

[Andrina]

On 4/11/2023 at 10:04 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

First off let me start off to say that I am pretty much taking care of him . I pay the entire rent , all the other bills such as Internet and Cable  ,   car note , car insurance , cable , AND food and toiletries while he pays for Nothing

Isn't that what you do for a child? So you're married to someone childish. When you want someone to change in a major way, and can't be happy as is, you're in the wrong relationship. How about divorcing, giving you the freedom to eventually find a man you don't want to change?

[tattoobunnie]

I would sneak an annulment claiming you didn't know he was a deadbeat.  He won't become a better man or husband.  And it's not your problem.

[boltnrun]

Is he planning to use the extra money to pay bills? Or will he give it to some woman he's communicating with on the side?

I can't fathom why you would want to remain in this sham marriage.

[Tiffany1981]

On 5/3/2023 at 7:29 PM, Batya33 said:

It's not about "wrong" it's about your approach - you're interrogating him and then texting him about a really crucial aspect of marriage- while he's working! Your approach is kind of self-absorbed/high maintenance and not consistent with trusting your husband and being supportive when he's about to work overnight.  

I understand that . But when I asked him the reason for the change of clothes , it just didn’t make any sense for his response .but maybe I shouldn’t have even asked him about it and just left the topic alone for another time . 

[Tiffany1981]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Is he planning to use the extra money to pay bills? Or will he give it to some woman he's communicating with on the side?

I can't fathom why you would want to remain in this sham marriage.

He said it’s to help pay with extra bills ..but as of now he’s been paying me around 30.00 to 40.00 dollars per day to help with the rent and a credit card bill 

[Tiffany1981]

13 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

I would sneak an annulment claiming you didn't know he was a deadbeat.  He won't become a better man or husband.  And it's not your problem.

Probably will not be ..I asked him again to go to therapy to work on himself so he can be a better partner . He refuses to go so not sure what else I can do ..

[Tiffany1981]

So I go to him yesterday about the car I own ..I have a 2018 Nissan Altima that he uses to drive with Lyft . With the rideshare , he has probably put about 100,000 miles on the car , so now the car is only worth 4,000 dollars . I still ow about 16,000 dollars on the car due to high interest rate . I was able to get it refinanced with a credit Union which will lower the overall amount I owe . I tell him that I want to plan to pay the car off . He respond and tells me you should buy a new car and not pay the car I have off early . I’m not obeying by paying off the car I have now first . I’ve asked him could he help me pay it off . His response was that he can’t make any promises . and goes on to ask if I’m still on track to buying a home for myself . He feels I should buy a new car , pay two car notes and buy a home which when I asked him for help . His response is he can’t make any promises . I even told him I would give him the car once I paid it off , he still refuses to commit to a guaranteed amount he can pay me for the car . 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

 ..I asked him again to go to therapy to work on himself so he can be a better partner . 

Why not invest in yourself as far as therapy? This way you could unpack and sort out what's going on and why you're so unhappy, yet refuse to leave or do anything about it.

You can't fix or change him. If he wanted to be a "better partner" he would be. You seem very unhappy and incompatible.

As far as supporting him and financial mismanagement you can also get expert advice from financial institutions, accountants and attorneys. 

For example you could check your credit score as well as your debts and assets and figure out where you stand and try to reduce debt and save money for your future.

Are you actually legally married? If so, it's a legally binding financial contract. Yet you quibble about car loans and and who owns what and who should pay for what. 

You two seem to handle money like roommates who can't get along. 

[Tiffany1981]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not invest in yourself as far as therapy? This way you could unpack and sort out what's going on and why you're so unhappy, yet refuse to leave or do anything about it.

You can't fix or change him. If he wanted to be a "better partner" he would be. You seem very unhappy and incompatible.

As far as supporting him and financial mismanagement you can also get expert advice from financial institutions, accountants and attorneys. 

For example you could check your credit score as well as your debts and assets and figure out where you stand and try to reduce debt and save money for your future.

Are you actually legally married? If so, it's a legally binding financial contract. Yet you quibble about car loans and and who owns what and who should pay for what. 

You two seem to handle money like roommates who can't get along. 

Exactly ! I feel like we are just roommates . We sleep on different rooms. Don’t have sex . Have seperate bank accounts . Have never met his children or immediate family member. 
doesn’t share too many personal details about himself . And when I mention all these issues to him ., his response is always “ learn to obey “ .. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Exactly ! I feel like we are just roommates . We sleep on different rooms. Don’t have sex . Have seperate bank accounts . Have never met his children or immediate family member. 

Is it your place or his place or do you co-lease or co-own. Are you from different cultures or countries?  Is it possible he's sending money home to his wife/GF and children?

He he just a boarder in your house? Did you ever get legally married and if so, why?  It's unclear what you mean by "obey". Is that a thing in your culture or his?

All you need to do is sever ties financially and legally since you are just roommates. 

[Batya33]

What's the purpose in asking questions about the car/property etc - do you really not know the answers? You seem like a smart person -you know a lot about your car and the financial ramifications etc -are you ok with heading for financial ruin because of your choices and are you ok being with someone who treats you this way and tells you to obey?  What's this "helplessness" really about?