My SO works with a group of guys, how should I react

[Justin J]

A bit about us
We have been together for 15 Years and have two kids
started off real good for a year, she got pregnant
then a couple years our first son was born it turn into a toxic controlling
relationship for a few years after, (we both were unfaithful once)
then after what I hope to be good the last 10 years

She recently acquired a manager position at an oil change place
and has 4 other staff ( all guys)

and I am having a hard time handling this, Ive tried talking to her about it
and she says nothing is going on and that I am the only one for her

Should I be paranoid, I dont want to get hurt again.

What are some things I can do to take my mind off what "could" be happening 

[boltnrun]

She doesn't have to have a job that includes a lot of male coworkers to cheat. Men are everywhere you look. If she wants to cheat it's fairly easy. Same for you. 

Does your job expose you to a lot of women? Does she question you about your female coworkers or ask you if anything is going on?

If you decided to forgive and move forward you have to sincerely do that. If you find yourself ruminating perhaps some professional help can guide you on how to handle those thoughts. 

[Justin J]

Thank you for that.
I am self employeed, so I don't work for or with anyone.

The only time shes really around men is at work, besides that we
are together a majority of the time.

She does not have the need to question me and I am not physically
around other women as she is with men at work
 

[Cherylyn]

Both of you need to be on the same page with healing and moving on.

Don't be nervous nor paranoid about her working with a group of guys.  With my career,  I've worked with predominantly men and there's no cheating.  My husband and I've been faithful true and true forever.  We have two sons in the suburbs.

I agree with @boltnrun.  It's a great big world out there with plenty of men in it.  Cheating doesn't have to occur at the workplace.  It's anywhere and everywhere and not necessarily at the place of employment. 

Work on rebuilding trust by being a peaceful, calm person.   

You can take your mind off of it by concentrating and focusing on working on your marriage.  If it's toxic and controlling,  calmly discuss how both of you can change for the better for your marriage and to set a fine example for your baby as he / she grows up.  You're parents now so know that a new set of eyes are watching and a new set of ears are always listening.  Love and respect one another.   Exercise self control.  Be kind.  It's very basic in order to have a calm,  peaceful,  harmonious household.  Instead of arguing,  try a reset.  It's not all doom and gloom if both of you are in lockstep for a positive future in marriage and family life.   

Also, take good care of your health.  Exercise,  eat right and remember "sound body,  sound mind." 

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She doesn't have to have a job that includes a lot of male coworkers to cheat. Men are everywhere you look. If she wants to cheat it's fairly easy. Same for you. 

 

This is true. If she wants to cheat she could be sitting at home all day and still cheat. I know some cases. 

I think its kinda pointless to worry yourself. When there are no idications something will ever happen. OK, she has an opportunity to cheat with all those men around. Doesnt mean she would. It does shows that you have trust issues. And that you should work on that.

[Batya33]

If you trusted her it wouldn't matter who she worked with or if she worked with anyone.  If you don't trust her then her leaving the house means she can interact with men she sees around.  A cashier, a barrista, someone cute who walks by her in the store, her accountant or someone in the waiting room when she goes to the dentist.  Or at the gym.  It's also so unfair of you to question her about her co workers.  You don't trust her likely because she cheated on you in the past and you on her.

[Justin J]

I understand cheating can happen anywhere. Its just now she spends 50% of her time at work with these men and 50% of her time at home. I absolutely know I have major trust issues because of our past.

I am trying to push through it and get past it but its hard and frustrating, and she gets annoyed when I bring up the topic because The last 9 years shes worked with Men, more so now with this new job.

I get very jealous, as does she but to my knowledge Women have a much easier time cheating then men.

I can't accept the fact that "if she cheats she cheats" I am trying to prevent that from ever happening again. We, like any relationship have our ups and downs. There are times where I believe nothing would happen, and one day Im just like ... But what if there is...

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Justin J said:

I understand cheating can happen anywhere. Its just now she spends 50% of her time at work with these men and 50% of her time at home. I absolutely know I have major trust issues because of our past.

I am trying to push through it and get past it but its hard and frustrating, and she gets annoyed when I bring up the topic because The last 9 years shes worked with Men, more so now with this new job.

I get very jealous, as does she but to my knowledge Women have a much easier time cheating then men.

I can't accept the fact that "if she cheats she cheats" I am trying to prevent that from ever happening again. We, like any relationship have our ups and downs. There are times where I believe nothing would happen, and one day Im just like ... But what if there is...

You can't prevent it by controlling who she lays eyes on during the work day, that's for sure.  And I originally met my husband at work and was hit on at work too by married men/engaged men (not by my husband LOL).   I behaved appropriately in all instances when I was in a relationship and was asked out/come on to by another man.  It has nothing to do with who she's around at work.

I agree if she played with fire it would be different -if she went on one on one late night dinners with her male coworkers or to their homes to watch a movie etc but even if she's surrounded by male models it doesn't matter -if you trust her.

[Justin J]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You can't prevent it by controlling who she lays eyes on during the work day, that's for sure.  And I originally met my husband at work and was hit on at work too by married men/engaged men (not by my husband LOL).   I behaved appropriately in all instances when I was in a relationship and was asked out/come on to by another man.  It has nothing to do with who she's around at work.

I agree if she played with fire it would be different -if she went on one on one late night dinners with her male coworkers or to their homes to watch a movie etc but even if she's surrounded by male models it doesn't matter -if you trust her.

Thats what I am afraid of.. Its the being hit on and flirting that could be happening, but I wont know. or will ever know.

I Dont think its the fact that I dont trust her, I think its that I dont trust them. but I have to trust her not to engage. which I think is difficult for me. I did talk to her about this and she says that since she is the manager that should would fire them if there was any inappropriate behavior happening. But I dont think she would. She likes attention, she likes to feel that she matters. She wants to feel accepted, and cares what other people think of her.

I just dont think she would tell me if any of that were to happen

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Justin J said:

Thats what I am afraid of.. Its the being hit on and flirting that could be happening, but I wont know. or will ever know.

I Dont think its the fact that I dont trust her, I think its that I dont trust them. but I have to trust her not to engage. which I think is difficult for me. I did talk to her about this and she says that since she is the manager that should would fire them if there was any inappropriate behavior happening. But I dont think she would. She likes attention, she likes to feel that she matters. She wants to feel accepted, and cares what other people think of her.

I just dont think she would tell me if any of that were to happen

Of course she can be hit on or flirted with.  Did you two promise each other never to be hit on or flirted with or did you promise not to react by having sex with the person? Or hooking up with the person? Why should she tell you if someone hits on her? She can like if she's scared (I told a boyfriend about it because I was scared).  She can if she wants to quit a job where she's being hit on and wants you to know why otherwise it's none of your business.

I like attention of certain types.  When I was younger I liked being noticed for my looks etc- maybe most teens/20 somethings do.  I care what other people think of me.  What's also true is I've never been unfaithful and am quite confident in myself that I never would. I know -all that nonsense about never say never.  Whatever.  I know myself.  I can get lots and lots of attention and my reaction will always be consistent with my marriage vows.

In my marriage vows I didn't promise not to notice attractive looking people.  I didn't promise not to have a radio crush on the guy who does the afternoon radio show lol.  He's so funny and I love his voice.  And he's a newlywed and I love hearing about his love for his wife.  I didn't promise never to flirt harmlessly or by mistake and I certainly didn't promise never to be in a situation where I might be complimented on my looks.  That's how I see things.  But I trust my husband and he trusts me.  

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Justin J said:

She likes attention, she likes to feel that she matters. She wants to feel accepted, and cares what other people

That's a word salad that translates to "I don't trust her".

And if that's the case the marriage is doomed.

2 minutes ago, Justin J said:

Dont think its the fact that I dont trust her, I think its that I dont trust them.

[Justin J]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course she can be hit on or flirted with.  Did you two promise each other never to be hit on or flirted with or did you promise not to react by having sex with the person? Or hooking up with the person? Why should she tell you if someone hits on her? She can like if she's scared (I told a boyfriend about it because I was scared).  She can if she wants to quit a job where she's being hit on and wants you to know why otherwise it's none of your business.

Doesn't that open up opportunities for affairs? Doesn't her reaction show the men and lead them on to believe they have a chance even if she says there isn't. that they would continue to pursue?

Shes not one for the flirty type or would even get the hint of being flirted on, but still. 
Doesn't flirting while in a relationship open up a big can of bad news

[Justin J]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And if that's the case the marriage is doomed.

lol our marriage is not "doomed" we talk about growing old and travelling together all the time. But its these little instances that trigger me. I am just trying to figure our how to resolve it, or how to react so Im not so paranoid over it

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Justin J said:

Doesn't that open up opportunities for affairs? Doesn't her reaction show the men and lead them on to believe they have a chance even if she says there isn't. that they would continue to pursue?

Shes not one for the flirty type or would even get the hit of being flirted on, but still. 
Doesn't flirting while in a relationship open up a big can of bad news

Of course it does.  There are opportunities everywhere.  I work out in my building's fitness center daily around 5am.  Around 3 times a week there's this man who's likely 10 years my senior who works out.  In over a year we've had one actual conversation.  It was pleasant and we never spoke again -we're there to work out. I wear leggings and a top.  I am fit looking and cute if I may say so myself.  Obviously if I wanted I could flirt with him -he doesn't seem to be married - and we could hook up in the fitness room.  I would no sooner even think about doing that just like I wouldn't cross a crowded street against the light because I saw an opportunity to get across if I ran super fast.

I mean harmless flirting - not flirting that crosses the line - a person who is trustworthy will not choose to cross the line or to react to someone else crossing the line by indicating romantic interest.  I harmlessly flirt with my women friends too.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Justin J said:

lol our marriage is not "doomed" we talk about growing old and travelling together all the time. But its these little instances that trigger me. I am just trying to figure our how to resolve it, or how to react so Im not so paranoid over it

You do it by seeking counseling and or reading very good self help books that give you tools as to how to react to feelings of anxiety and paranoia.  

[SooSad33]

33 minutes ago, Justin J said:

I understand cheating can happen anywhere. Its just now she spends 50% of her time at work with these men and 50% of her time at home. I absolutely know I have major trust issues because of our past.

Yeah you do, and this is why sooo many times, the 2nd attempt does not work out. Because TRUST is gone.

IMO, all you're gonna end up doing is driving yourself crazy!

So, now what...?

 

33 minutes ago, Justin J said:

I get very jealous, as does she but to my knowledge Women have a much easier time cheating then men.

Pffttt , we do do we?  Wow.

Nope, I have never cheated and as per these words you say, No, it's fact that men are more apt to do this ( It's in them) 😉 .

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, Justin J said:

lol our marriage is not "doomed" we talk about growing old and travelling together all the time. But its these little instances that trigger me. I am just trying to figure our how to resolve it, or how to react so Im not so paranoid over it

What I said was if you don't trust her the marriage is doomed. 

The world is full of men. There's always opportunities. It's how one responds to opportunities that matters.

You either believe she won't step outside the marriage or you don't. And if you don't believe she'll be faithful you'll need to address why that is. 

[Andrina]

From what I've read and observed, there are two types of people who cheat. The first type is a person whose ethics suck, and they lack the ability to truly love a partner the way they should.

The second type is someone who has lost an emotional connection with their partner because of a lack of attention, or disrespect, or any other regular behavior that makes a relationship bitter. And then they find themselves responding to the attention of someone who treats them better, over time, such as a co-worker or someone they are in regular contact with.

The best way to prevent a partner having an affair is to be the best partner you can be, to keep an emotional connection. If you're doing that and a partner still lacks relationship boundaries and has an emotional or physical affair, then I say good rides. Best to know that so you can exit and seek a partner who is faithful.

What you're doing is self-sabotage. She looks in your eyes, sees fear there and hears it in your voice, and that's akin to her paying a price for a crime she didn't commit.

Instead, you should've said with a smile on your face, "Congrats on your new position. I'm so proud of you. I'm taking you to dinner to celebrate." 

Aren't you aware that's what would keep a woman happy in a marriage? Build a strong foundation with those words and behavior versus taking a sledge hammer to the foundation with your unfounded worries. That will surely form cracks that will make your foundation crumble.

 

[smackie9]

Opportunity to cheat is everywhere...but it's the person (her) is the common denominator here. If she's going to cheat she will always find a way whether she works with guys or not.

If the infidelity was properly sorted out between you two with counselling , getting to the root of the reasons why it happened, etc, then there shouldn't be an issue.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Justin J said:

 it turn into a toxic controlling
relationship for a few years after, (we both were unfaithful once)

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like the past is still haunting the relationship.  Perhaps focus on the last 10 good years?

The job isn't the issue. At some level you know cheating can happen anywhere, anytime and with anyone.

Consider if working from home/working alone is affecting you with regard to letting your worst fears from the past haunt you.

 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, Justin J said:

I am trying to prevent that from ever happening again

You can't prevent it. Only she can. 

16 hours ago, Justin J said:

I Dont think its the fact that I dont trust her, I think its that I dont trust them.

Nope, wrong. It's absolutely her you don't trust. If you did, you might be annoyed if other men hit on her but you would also know that she had good boundaries and would ignore or shut down their advances. You would have faith that she'd create a healthy buffer around herself to protect the integrity of your relationship. Other men can't cause problems if she doesn't give them any way to do so. Your fear kicking in is your gut telling you that you still don't think she will remain faithful. 

So let me ask you this: what did the both of you do to regain trust when each of you cheated before? How exactly did you decide to stay together and move forward, and what active steps did you each take to demonstrate your renewed commitment to the relationship? Or was more of a "forgive and forget, and hope for the best" approach?