Pandemic change my partner

[Wallapingink]

So I have been with my partner for 6 years now. I don’t know if this matters but we never formally dated, we just kind of moved together and that was that. In the beginning things were great. We went out places, he spent time with my family and we just had good times. Since the pandemic he has changed. This could be because of depression, seeing as how he has not work since being laid off. He anxiety makes it hard for him to even leave the house anymore. We never go out anymore and he doesn’t make me feel special. 
 

He always so negative nitpicking at me. Everything I do annoys him and constantly telling me that I’m too loud when I speak. I don’t think so but okay. One time, I didn’t do the dishes properly and there was left over oil on one them, he went on rant about it and then took his finger, wiped it in the oil and wipe it on my face. That probably was my breaking point.
 

So now I can feel myself slowly starting to retreat from him. I use to do special little things for him, like buy his favourite snacks or grab takeout even make meals, but don’t want to anymore because it upsets him that spent money or he tell me  if he wanted something he can get it himself/cook his own food. I feel like getting mix singles from him. Like he really nice to me when I have had a bad day or he wants sexi time, but most other times it’s like have to walk on eggshells around him.
 

I think the reason for this post is to tell someone how I have been feeling. That all thanks for listening. 

[boltnrun]

What is his plan to deal with his depression and anxiety and to get employment?

[redswim30]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What is his plan to deal with his depression and anxiety and to get employment?

I also want to know the answer to this.   You cannot do any of this for him and please understand that nothing YOU can do is going to change his mindset. 

Are you married?  Can you simply move out?  I think it may be best to take some time apart.  

He's taking out his inner turmoil on you and that's not fair.   I hope you know the oil incident is abuse on multiple levels.  BTW, if not working or doing anything, then why couldn't he wash it, if he can apparently do it "perfectly?" 

It's up to you if you want to stay with this guy, but if I were you, I wouldn't.   Anyone can be a decent partner when life is easy.  When life's hurdles come up is when you meet the real person.   

Just don't expect anything is going to change while he's inactive.   He either needs to seek counseling and a job or seek another place to live.  

[Starlight925]

He's not giving you mixed signals.

The signals are very clear.  He's depressed with anxiety, and he takes it out on you.

You let him.

He repeats.

Those are the signals.

If a person ever rubbed oil from a dirty pan on my face, I'd literally walk out the door that moment and block them forever.

You allow this.

This isn't about him, it's about you, and why do you stay?

It doesn't matter how or where he gets help.  You're the one posting.  You're the one hurting.  

The question is, why do you stay?

[Cherylyn]

The true test of character is how a person behaves when life is NOT good.   Whenever life is rosy,   most people are lighthearted,  in good spirits,  possess self confidence,  secure and have brain space to be kind and on their best behavior.  Then when life is turned upside down with tumult such as unemployment,  the fangs protrude.   👿

His real character emerges such as smearing oil on your face from a dirty dish.  Wow,  how low.  😠

He's nice to you when he wants sex from you.  Most times you have to walk on eggshells for fear of any hair triggers which will set him off into a tailspin of anger. 

I hope you're making your exit plan out of this miserable relationship.  You need to get out while you can because you've already seen enough and experienced enough of him.  Either he goes or you go. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Wallapingink said:

I didn’t do the dishes properly and there was left over oil on one them, he went on rant about it and then took his finger, wiped it in the oil and wipe it on my face. That probably was my breaking point.

I would have left him then and there. 

That is incredibly disrespectful and demeaning behaviour. Absolutely a dealbreaker in my books. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Wallapingink said:

One time, I didn’t do the dishes properly and there was left over oil on one them, he went on rant about it and then took his finger, wiped it in the oil and wipe it on my face.

That seems like an abusive partner, not depressed one. 

If he has depression, he needs to treat it. Go to therapy and work on that. Like this, he just sits at home, finds something to nag and takes it out on you. Sadly lots of peoples mental health, as well as marriages, took a hit during pandemic. They were closed at home with almost no option to get out. So that affected some people a lot. But now pandemic is over. So he needs to find a healthy ways of dealing with his mental health and other stuff. Instead of taking it all on you. 

[Claire Oberon]

What you describe is a very common sign of a relationship that has evolved from being full of love to one were your partner is abusive. Even if your partner were to seek help, I feel that the odds are high that he will return to his current behavior. I would recommend that you at least live apart for a while or that you leave him permanently. Is there something today that keeps you with him? Love? Pity? Do you owe him anything?

[Lambert]

I would have left him at this point... this is very indicative of who you are dealing with... an abuser.

On 4/7/2023 at 12:38 PM, Wallapingink said:

One time, I didn’t do the dishes properly and there was left over oil on one them, he went on rant about it and then took his finger, wiped it in the oil and wipe it on my face. That probably was my breaking point.