Would you date someone who is friend with their ex? Why or why not?

[Chaeryoung]

Hi, everyone. (26F). I know it's contextual most of the times, but what are your views at large on this aspect? Would it bother you that your current date is still close to their ex? Their break-up was less than a year ago or, so I am not really sure if it's worth giving it a shot. 

To be honest, this scenario makes me feel anxious in general. Someone still being in contact with their ex. For me, personally, it's not so much a matter of emotional maturity, but some lingering feelings that might be at least on one side. I have never been in such situations I always had clean break-ups with my ex-partners, and some views might help. Thank you 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Their break-up was less than a year ago or, so I am not really sure if it's worth giving it a shot. 

, this scenario makes me feel anxious in general. 

How long have you been dating? If you feel anxious and view this as a red flag, step back and reflect if this is someone worth continuing with.

[Seraphim]

Probably not, because I don’t believe it comes to anything good, but probably a generational idea for me. 

[Batya33]

Yes depending.  My standards would be- there is no desire on either end to get back together. The ex is supportive of the new relationship and the new partner has the opportunity to meet the ex.  I've always had male friends, always had close male friends, some of my male friends I'd dated /been involved with in the past. And no date-like/playing with fire activities with the ex or any friends of opposite gender.  My has female friends.  

We've had two minor conversations/minor conflicts over the last 17 years involving this topic.  Both were resolved quickly.  The first was when we first got back together and had been dating a few months.  I had a male friend of about 2 years.  We'd never dated. I'd wanted to date him when we met and we'd had lunch where I learned about an aspect of his life that meant I would never date him.  Nothing bad. We stayed friends -totally platonic.

We planned an evening where he could meet my new bf /future husband.  He asked to meet me an hour in advance as he had some stuff to talk about and he'd never met my bf.

My bf said he wasn't comfortable with that plan.  It was a Friday night and he didn't like having to "wait" to have our group outing.  I was a little surprised at the reaction but I put my SO first -if it made him uncomfortable that was all I needed to know. told my friend.  He immediately agreed, he apologized for suggesting it and went out of his way to be friendly with my SO -and all was well.

A couple of months ago we took a road trip with our teenage son to a city my husband lived in for a few years many years ago.  Where he'd had a relationship with the woman who preceded him getting back together with me. 

They are not friends, they are professional colleagues who rarely have any professional contact.  My husband was driving around town and pointing out sights to my son and as we drove past a certain block he said "oh that's where [name of ex] used to live." He hadn't mentioned her in years. I thought it was inappropriate and odd for him to mention her and in front of our son who was likely to ask for details.  He agreed and apologized.  Maybe someone else would have been ok with it.  I was not.  I was ok with him meeting her for dinner many years ago when he was in her city on a professional basis. I didn't check up on him and I trusted him and my trust was well-founded.

For reference, if I mention a place I traveled to in the past and it happened to be with an ex partner I don't reference the ex partner and if the story would require it (or my husband would know for sure I'd been there with the person) I do not tell it.    

I think with trust and proper boundaries no one should give up platonic friends for a partner.  Or ask their partner to do so if it's platonic. I also completely do not judge anyone who decides -now that we're together you will cut off contact with any exes and any members of the opposite sex except family and limit others to work related contact. To each their own.  

[Kwothe28]

I would consider it a red flag. Especially after so little time. There are people who, from one reason or another, stay good with their exes. For example maybe they move in the same company or even work together. So avoiding them would be difficult. However, it does raise concerns why they still chose to be in a vicinity of somebody who once they had feeling and if there are some unresolved issues there. In addition, yes, it creates additional troubles when somebody new comes into their life. Specifically because of those concerns. So if you think that is not something you would be comfortable with, dont involve yourself there.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

Their break-up was less than a year ago or, so I am not really sure if it's worth giving it a shot. 

To be honest, this scenario makes me feel anxious in general. Someone still being in contact with their ex. For me, personally, it's not so much a matter of emotional maturity, but some lingering feelings that might be at least on one side. I have never been in such situations I always had clean break-ups with my ex-partners, and some views might help. Thank you 

It depends whether they were married and are still married IMO.  There might be lingering feelings.  Just like you might meet someone and have a mild crush and not act on it because you are committed to your partner.  It's all about how people react to their feelings.  And trust.  Certainly if your partner seems to want his ex back and is still in contact then it's not really a platonic connection, right?

 

[Jibralta]

Would you date someone who is friend with their ex? 

Probably not. For me to even consider it, I would have to have known them and their ex for years, know what their relationship was like, how it ended, what kind of people they both were. And they'd have to have been spilt up for a really long time. And if all of those conditions were met, I probably still wouldn't date them because it would mean that both of them were my friends. And (unless you're a teenager) it's a little weird to date your friend's ex. Even if you are a teenager, it's frowned upon. 

My answer would be different if I were in my teens or early 20s.

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Would you date someone who is friend with their ex? 

Probably not. For me to even consider it, I would have to have known them and their ex for years, know what their relationship was like, how it ended, what kind of people they both were. And they'd have to have been spilt up for a really long time. And if all of those conditions were met, I probably still wouldn't date them because it would mean that both of them were my friends. And (unless you're a teenager) it's a little weird to date your friend's ex. Even if you are a teenager, it's frowned upon. 

My answer would be different if I were in my teens or early 20s.

I read it your way first.  Then reread and I think she means would you date a person who is in touch with their ex partner.

[Cherylyn]

For me,  I'd say no.  My current date should focus on me with no one off to the side especially an ex as a close friend?  No way.  This guy needs to choose which woman he is to focus on;  not both.  No deal. 

Be with a man who has you with all his heart.  That type of love is sincere and true love.  Anything less is intolerable and unacceptable. 

If he refuses to change,  then let him do as he will.  It all boils down to your choice in a man.  Either be with him and his habits or be with the type of man who shares your same values and principles. 

[Batya33]

My personal values and principles are you do not dump close friends because of a partner unless the close friend is unsupportive of your relationship and or mean/rude to your SO -your SO comes first then of course.  Also if the person won't meet your SO (if they can -some friendships from childhood can become mostly long distance).  I also don't look kindly on people who would ask me to dump a close friend based on gender alone.  But that's because I know my values and principles and I act accordingly - to the OP - get very clear on what yours are - whether they are like mine, or like someone else's who posted here or something else entirely -and be really consistent with those values and principles.

My long term ex and I stayed in touch for about 2 years after we broke up -by instant message.  Nothing ever flirtatious.  He'd tell me if he was dating, what he was up to and I told him when I got back together with my ex fiancee from long ago.  I saw him once - with my SO's blessing -so he could transfer files to my old Ipod lol.  My SO knew, I checked with him first. It was fine. I would not have seen him alone otherwise.

2 years in my ex shared with me he'd met a woman.  It seemed different meaning his description although a little nonchalant -told me he was really into her.  I decided right then to do a slow fade.  I enjoyed being in touch with him and I was really happy for him that he seemed to be really into someone -and I didn't want her to see any messages between us or feel uncomfortable -I didn't know her name even, nothing about her -just a sense.  Within a few weeks we were no longer in touch.

About a year later a mutual friend told me they'd gotten engaged.  I didn't contact -again I wanted to be persona non grata in his life.  

About a year after that -they were married by then -I was pregnant and engaged.  The wife emailed me from her husband's email account.  She wanted to know if we could meet for dinner now that they'd settled in for awhile after their wedding. It was bizarre.  I'd never met her.  The email was from his account.  I honestly believed she'd emailed me by accident.  A different (my first name).  So I emailed my ex at his personal account to show him the email.  Yes, he said, it was from his wife, yes he said they wanted to meet.  I hadn't been in touch with him in over 2 years! So myself, my fiancee and my ex and his wife met for brunch.  Lots of PDA on their end.  She was very nice and I shared that I was expecting a baby and we had a wedding planned.  I figured she'd like I was all settled too.  I was! 

They insisted on treating.  I said I wanted to return the favor and she indicated she'd like to have lunch just with me.  So I reached out to her a few months later to invite her to lunch, my treat, and told her about our baby -she emailed me with congratulations and that's it.  We've never been in touch again.

I guess --she wanted badly to meet me and see what I was all about? And on meeting me saw I didn't bite (and/or was no model ???) and saw I was in love and pregnant and getting married =no threat.  Never asked.

I share this because it's so broad- how people react to exes including the timing - her new husband and I had been broken up for 3.5 years by the time she and I met!

 

[Jibralta]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she means would you date a person who is in touch with their ex partner.

In that case, probably not. At least not now. When I was younger, I would have been more open to it because most of my break ups were amicable. But the older I get, the more I suspect that 'amicable' was often a disguise for ulterior motives.

[Cherylyn]

My principles and values are if two people can't and won't mutually agree especially in your case with his ex being his close friend,  then don't be with a guy like this. 

I think it's fine for your date to be close friends with his ex IF both of you are fine with it.  Personally,  I wouldn't be fine with it but that's just me. 

3 people in this triangle gets crowded IMHO. 

Since both of you are in disagreement over this or you don't approve of his behavior,  then I wouldn't want to be with a guy like this. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

My principles and values are if two people can't and won't mutually agree especially in your case with his ex being his close friend,  then don't be with a guy like this. 

I think it's fine for your date to be close friends with his ex IF both of you are fine with it.  Personally,  I wouldn't be fine with it but that's just me. 

3 people in this triangle gets crowded IMHO. 

Since both of you are in disagreement over this or you don't approve of his behavior,  then I wouldn't want to be with a guy like this. 

 

Yes exactly -on the big stuff -and this is big stuff -both need to be on the same page for sure.

[Jaunty]

I am friends with my ex.  More than friends.  We have an adult daughter together and we will, in everyone's opinion (including my partner and hers) always be  "family."   

That said, I don't think that you should be okay with it, simply because you are already anxious about it.  There is not any reason that you need to sign up for this if you aren't feeling comfortable about it.

[smackie9]

Exes still in the picture isn't for everyone. If it makes you feel anxious then don't bother with him. It would not be fair for you to dictate to someone who they can or can't be friends with so telling him to cut them off wouldn't be a solution. Having clean breakups is part of your core values, so you both are incompatible/ wouldn't work.