I feel so stupid after such a short time!!

[RJB]

So this all happened over a week ago now. I phoned her last Monday, and we spoke for a little while. She said she does like me but wasn't sure if she wanted to continue dating because the whole thing went wrong with my comment about the bed, even though the way she took it is definitely not what I meant! She told me she was going to think about meeting me again but it wouldn't be last week just gone as she was busy every night. I've not heard from her all week. I messaged her tonight, just saying that I hope she's well, hope she's had a good week etc and that I was still hoping to meet her if she would like too. I told her that I really like her and was ever so sorry for hurting her etc and wanted to try and put it all behind us. She read the message (it was on WhatsApp), ignored it and half an hour later I got a notification to say she had logged into her dating app (for 5he first time since we first started talking). She hasn't even told me that she doesn't want to meet, after she told me she would think about it and let me know. It's really hurt, I can't stop thinking about her as she honestly seemed to be everything that I was looking for! 

[MissCanuck]

42 minutes ago, RJB said:

she honestly seemed to be everything that I was looking for

Key word: seemed. 

You are idealizing a woman that you don't know that well. If she was everything you were looking for, you two wouldn't have had a falling out over something this minor. You would have a better understanding of each other and equal interest in moving things back on track. 

Let go of the fantasy version of her that you have in your mind. It doesn't actually match reality. It's time you stop contacting her and realize this is not the woman for you. 

[Jibralta]

She knows that she misinterpreted your comment, yet she is still holding it over your head. Seems a bit petty and manipulative to me. You should weigh these traits against the things that you like about her. Don't discount them just because you fancy her.

[RJB]

I think deep down, the problem is within myself. I do t get to meet many new people, I'm fairly shy and nervous at times and the only way I ever meet someone new is on dating apps etc. It's very rare for me to meet anybody and when I do meet someone, they're usually not right for me so I only go on one date or so with them and realise they aren't right.

This most recent girl felt different, she did seem to take an interest in me, she was phoning me every day before we had the misunderstanding, she came to mine and I went to hers, we laughed and got on really well and we're getting really close. She's beautiful, hard working with a really interesting job, she drives. I've never met anyone with all those qualities before. Now that's all gone and I'm back to square one of being alone etc, I just don't see myself ever meeting anybody again with those same qualities and outlooks that she has. In the last two or three years of trying to date people, she's the first one to have a job and be able drive, which doesn't sound like much, but it means I wasn't always expected to pay for everything, she could come round mine instead of me always having to go to hers and it just seemed like a much happier balance than I've been used too! I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see someone like that coming into my life again, for a very long time as I've not met anyone else like that in the last 3 years!!!

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, RJB said:

In the last two or three years of trying to date people, she's the first one to have a job and be able drive

Where are you meeting all these unemployed women? 

It seems that your picker is off, or you're setting the bar way too low for yourself. 

[RJB]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Where are you meeting all these unemployed women? 

It seems that your picker is off, or you're setting the bar way too low for yourself. 

As I said, it's only online that I manage to meet people! And I never get any one who matches with me, it's always a very rare moment. Normally the only women that match with me have been the ones that don't work, don't drive, would rather sit at home all day every day, etc. This last girl was honestly the only person I've ever met who had a job, a car, aspirations for the future, she is beautiful. I'm not good looking, so I don't exactly have a good head start on the dating scene! I don't know how to attract more "suitable" people haha, I've always struggled with meeting people!

[MissCanuck]

Have you got a trusted female friend or family member who could look at your profile and give you some pointers? Maybe there is something that could be fine-tuned a little and yield more results online. 

I would also suggest you try to meet women offline. Join some meet-up groups in your area, or local volunteer or community interest clubs. Get out there and interact in real time. You never know who you might bump into, and it will serve to broaden your horizons at the same time. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, RJB said:

. In the last two or three years of trying to date people, she's the first one to have a job and be able drive, 

Sorry for the disappointment. It stinks when there's some initial rapport and then it goes sideways.

The best thing you can do is to improve your dating criteria. 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Have fun and socialize. You're more apt to meet women with jobs and cars in these settings.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Perhaps paid dating apps would help, since at least they need a credit card to join. There may also be better screening and filtering tools on paid apps.

After a few messages meet for coffee. If you see red flags such as no job or car, just move on. Your criteria could be a little more selective than just has a job and a car.

[RJB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry for the disappointment. It stinks when there's some initial rapport and then it goes sideways.

The best thing you can do is to improve your dating criteria. 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Have fun and socialize. You're more apt to meet women with jobs and cars in these settings.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Perhaps paid dating apps would help, since at least they need a credit card to join. There may also be better screening and filtering tools on paid apps.

After a few messages meet for coffee. If you see red flags such as no job or car, just move on. Your criteria could be a little more selective than just has a job and a car.

Don't get me wrong, the car and job thing isn't a deal breaker, far from it. But it's just having those two things does make that person seem more responsible, makes it easier for her to come to mine other than it always being down to me to go to hers and makes that person seem more attractive in my eyes. I'd happily date a girl without a job etc, but having a job just makes them a little more interesting to me. I would love to join clubs etc, but I work full time and have two children half the week, so things like that are quite difficult to fit in!

[RJB]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you got a trusted female friend or family member who could look at your profile and give you some pointers? Maybe there is something that could be fine-tuned a little and yield more results online. 

I would also suggest you try to meet women offline. Join some meet-up groups in your area, or local volunteer or community interest clubs. Get out there and interact in real time. You never know who you might bump into, and it will serve to broaden your horizons at the same time. 

Unfortunately I've never really had many female friends, so can't really ask anyone to go over my profile!

I would join groups etc, but I'm usually either wirki g or with my children, so don't have that much time for groups etc, plus I'm shy in groups of people that I don't know!

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, RJB said:

plus I'm shy in groups of people that I don't know

This is normal. 

The point is to keep showing up consistently so you can get to know people and form better connections. There might just be a lovely woman among them. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, RJB said:

In the last two or three years of trying to date people, she's the first one to have a job and be able drive

You should set your standards higher. I am not the one to talk about low/high quality women because I dont like that separation as there are a lot more qualities in a woman then just a job for example, but you are really shooting low there. Set up at least minimum of standards that are non- negotiable. To have a job, to share attraction, to be honest, respect your opinion etc. And have preferences that are  negotiable like interesting job title, maybe buying you gifts or sharing a bill etc. Dont go bellow standards and try to have preferences as well if you can. 

Also

16 hours ago, RJB said:

She read the message (it was on WhatsApp), ignored it and half an hour later I got a notification to say she had logged into her dating app (for 5he first time since we first started talking).

She doesnt seem like a very good person at all. Be glad its over if she is like that. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, RJB said:

 I'm usually either wirki g or with my children, so don't have that much time 

As a busy single working father, it's even more important that you upgrade your criteria to women who are financially independent and have a job, car, their own place. 

[boltnrun]

That's bizarre to me.  Every woman I know works and drives.  I'm in the US, where it's more common than not for people to work and to drive.  Of course certain cities such as NYC and San Francisco don't really require a person to drive (and in fact it's preferred NOT to) because they have excellent public transportation, but most everywhere else almost requires one to drive.  And how are these women paying for food and housing if they don't work?  It's puzzling to me.

And joining groups doesn't require you to show up with a flock of friends.  You show up and have small talk with the other members and then go from there.  Small talk such as "Do you live in this neighborhood?"  "What restaurants/coffee houses/shops do you recommend?" "Is this your first time participating in this group?"  If someone approaches you don't just look down and mumble short answers.  Smile and give thorough answers (but don't ramble on or give too much personal info).  And be consistent.  Show up at least a couple of times per month so you can become familiar with the other group members.  It's great practice!

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, RJB said:

Normally the only women that match with me have been the ones that don't work, don't drive, would rather sit at home all day every day, etc.

I understand that the matches are few and far between, but every time you jump at the chance to date an unemployed couch potato you forgo your chance of meeting an active woman with a job.

Say "no."

Don't just settle on these people because they're a match.

[Batya33]

Agree with the one maybe thought that certainly these days there are times of temporary unemployment and if you meet someone in that situation a person who has a reasonable work ethic will want you to know how hard she is working to find a new job.  I dated one man who was in between jobs and two months in realized he wasn't really trying to find a job (it ended for other reasons -his parents were paying his rent so that worked out for him lol).

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/19/2023 at 10:42 AM, RJB said:

I really want to call her later tonight and see if we can talk and sort it out, but as she's ignored both the messages I've sent since Friday (one yesterday morning and the other in the evening) I'm not so sure if that'd be a good idea! But At the same time, I really want to know what made her react the way she did and if there's any way if getting around it!! I'll be honest, I don't actually think I said about her bed bring broken, I think I said something more along the lines of "oh, that's a funny time to be going out to getting a new bed, I didn't even realise you needed one haha, that's a funny acquisition" or something, in a voice note, and I didn't say it in a serious, questioning way or anything. The fact she's not really let me explain myself either is quite upsetting. I want to phone her later (in the evening as it's mother's day today here in the UK so she's probably busy with her boy at the minute) but really don't know if I should or not. But if I don't, then I know 100% we'll never speak again, so I don't really have anything to lose in trying, right?! 

I know you enjoyed the company, but the fact that she doesn't share a similar sense of humor, she will never make you happy in the long run.   But look at this way, your heart is ready for someone new.  Make sure to physically make room in your closet.  I know it sounds like some weird vision board nonsense, but making physical space makes emotional space.  She is just someone wetting your palette again.