I’m so conflicted and hurt what do I do

[left due to request]

12 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

Agreed with your point 100%! And I’ve definitely understood his pov when it comes to them and even in recent low times they haven’t been there but I am always there for them so it’s a decision I have to make. 
 

once again could I get your clarified opinion about him judging my past, asking questions, finding out when I slept with people etc (he knew the number at the beginning of when we got together) - do u think as others said above he’s being controlling? 

I think it's more to do with his performance than numbers of your sex partners.  unintentionally he maybe comparing himself to your unknown partners and wondering whether he satisfied you better than anyone you were with.  But that's my guess.  Fake orgasm if you have to right before he does.  I know you women can do this pretty easy...Don't say anything but hug him tight afterwards, smiling. tell him that you're really glad you're with him (unless you don't mean it) when he squirms to move away from your hold.  That's all he needs to hear.  Don't say stupid things like.. that's was the best or OMG that was great or get right up afterwards and ask him if he wants to eat.  Wait for him to move first then say something like... 'can you get me a glass of water?'  make it sound as though you are really exhausted, but content.

you know.. i should be shot for telling you this....

[Ice queen]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

I think it's more to do with his performance than numbers of your sex partners.  unintentionally he maybe comparing himself to your unknown partners and wondering whether he satisfied you better than anyone you were with.  But that's my guess.  Fake orgasm if you have to right before he does.  I know you women can do this pretty easy...Don't say anything but hug him tight afterwards, smiling. tell him that you're really glad you're with him (unless you don't mean it) when he squirms to move away from your hold.  That's all he needs to hear.  Don't say stupid things like.. that's was the best or OMG that was great or get right up afterwards and ask him if he wants to eat.  Wait for him to move first then say something like... 'can you get me a glass of water?'  make it sound as though you are really exhausted, but content.

you know.. i should be shot for telling you this....

I don’t think he questions his performance but I could be wrong idk what goes on in his head & lol it’s good info and makes sense. I definitely respect what you’ve said and your opinion. As well as everyone’s comments 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Ice queen said:

Yeah him & tbh, I’ve had no real problem with him to rectify anything. He’s not perfect ofc im just not picking at anything little that doesn’t really affect me. I’ve learnt not everything needs an argument and not to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Any issues I have had he’s sorted but they were small 

So you have one thing after another you need to "rectify" but he's just fine as he is.

I hope you realize this will never end. He has found something he can hold over your head forever...your past.

Tell me, if he's so supportive and was so good to you when you were going through a bad time, why is he berating you now for something you can do nothing to change? And how about him presuming you'll cheat on him. Does that seem "supportive" to you?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Ice queen said:

 I don’t like your friends - rectified I don’t like your past 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately these are warning signs for controlling and abusive relationships. He's already beating you down and trying to isolate you.

Stop rearranging your life or jumping through these hoops to prevent "issues". 

Read up on red flags for controlling relationships and talk to trusted friends and family about this.

Consider ending it now before the list of imagined "issues" continues to grow so he can find reasons to erode your self respect.

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Ice queen said:

I just read another forum saying how women can express how they feel and it’s fine but if a man does it it’s controlling. Now I don’t know what to believe. Thoughts? 

That's nonsense.  A man or a woman can use "expressing their feelings" to manipulate their partner.  

You said that you are tired of being judged and feeling like there's always a break-up around the corner.   He's got you off-balance; you've already distanced from some of your friends.  Beware.

[poorlittlefish]

OP, do you get to "rectify" things you don't like about him and generally police his life or is it only one way? It's unacceptable and the more you allow yourself to be controlled, the more he will do it. If he doesn't like you the way you are, he should have no place in your life. 

[Ice queen]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So you have one thing after another you need to "rectify" but he's just fine as he is.

I hope you realize this will never end. He has found something he can hold over your head forever...your past.

Tell me, if he's so supportive and was so good to you when you were going through a bad time, why is he berating you now for something you can do nothing to change? And how about him presuming you'll cheat on him. Does that seem "supportive" to you?

I really don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing 

[Ice queen]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately these are warning signs for controlling and abusive relationships. He's already beating you down and trying to isolate you.

Stop rearranging your life or jumping through these hoops to prevent "issues". 

Read up on red flags for controlling relationships and talk to trusted friends and family about this.

Consider ending it now before the list of imagined "issues" continues to grow so he can find reasons to erode your self respect.

Thank you 

[Ice queen]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

That's nonsense.  A man or a woman can use "expressing their feelings" to manipulate their partner.  

You said that you are tired of being judged and feeling like there's always a break-up around the corner.   He's got you off-balance; you've already distanced from some of your friends.  Beware.

I see

[Ice queen]

16 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

OP, do you get to "rectify" things you don't like about him and generally police his life or is it only one way? It's unacceptable and the more you allow yourself to be controlled, the more he will do it. If he doesn't like you the way you are, he should have no place in your life. 

Any problems I have gets rectified. But sometimes does feel like policing or one way. If I have a question it might not always get answered. 
 

agreed 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Ice queen said:

  I want to be with this person but I feel there’s always an issue or break up around the corner.

Please do not confuse possessiveness with love. He's seems to put you down and makes you feel like you chronically have to toe the line. Read up on gaslighting and abusive relationships. Talk to trusted people and do not allow isolation.  Don't allow yourself to be treated like a dog in obedience school to please the master. 

[MissCanuck]

This guy is a total clown. 

I would have dumped him as soon as I noticed him judging me and trying to isolate me. That is exactly what this guy is doing to you, and make no mistake, they are warning signs of abusers. He targeted you because unforunately he can see that your self-respect isn't great and that you will not really question him. 

I hope you see the light soon and get rid of him. He is not a good guy. 

[Tinydance]

9 hours ago, Ice queen said:

Ok to what you’ve said so far.

 

He believes birds of a feather flock together. If you hang with ho*es you most likely are one too. Bound to rub off each other - this is why he doesn’t like them because of the activities they do and he saw me almost partake as well as, he believes they have disrespected me by flirting with him (he didn’t flirt back) 

 

I deleted my pics of ex when we parted (missed one or two by accident) but current bf found pics of us on my exs account as the ex didn’t remove them - this was also brought to his attention by someone too 

 

I’m not sure why he brought it up or what triggered the question about # of sexual partners tbh all I know is he’s disgusted by my past (to mention it is not a double digit number) 

 

 

What kinds of activities? Are they prostitutes? Lol I just don't understand what activities they're doing that warrants you stopping being friends with them.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Ice queen said:

I really don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing 

It's your responsibility to know why you're doing what you're doing at the least -why are you staying with someone who is so controlling and increasing the controlling behavior -leave the "why" to him -if he chooses to get help for it in the future -after you've figured out why you would tolerate such jerky behavior.

[Ice queen]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What kinds of activities? Are they prostitutes? Lol I just don't understand what activities they're doing that warrants you stopping being friends with them.

Social dr*g intake- not hardcore just 🌳&🎈

[Ice queen]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please do not confuse possessiveness with love. He's seems to put you down and makes you feel like you chronically have to toe the line. Read up on gaslighting and abusive relationships. Talk to trusted people and do not allow isolation.  Don't allow yourself to be treated like a dog in obedience school to please the master. 

I hear you 

[Ice queen]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This guy is a total clown. 

I would have dumped him as soon as I noticed him judging me and trying to isolate me. That is exactly what this guy is doing to you, and make no mistake, they are warning signs of abusers. He targeted you because unforunately he can see that your self-respect isn't great and that you will not really question him. 

I hope you see the light soon and get rid of him. He is not a good guy. 

I see

[Ice queen]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's your responsibility to know why you're doing what you're doing at the least -why are you staying with someone who is so controlling and increasing the controlling behavior -leave the "why" to him -if he chooses to get help for it in the future -after you've figured out why you would tolerate such jerky behavior.

I didn’t see it as controlling behaviour cos he’s not telling me what to do but expressing how he feels and I form actions off of that. 

[Jibralta]

12 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

I didn’t see it as controlling behaviour cos he’s not telling me what to do but expressing how he feels and I form actions off of that. 

Controllers control through manipulation. They never come out and say what they want. 

[left due to request]

@Ice queen I don't see abuse or controlling issues here.  If you were my girl and saw you hanging around group of people that can not be good for you then, I would probably ask you to do the same.

Good times or not is the choice you need to make IMO since obviously that's what he wants you to do, it seems. 

[Ice queen]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Controllers control through manipulation. They never come out and say what they want. 

So what do you think the issue is? Because expressing your feelings isn’t a problem but do you think it’s what he’s expressing his feelings on? Meaning the topics he’s mentioned is pointless mentioning 

[Ice queen]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

@Ice queen I don't see abuse or controlling issues here.  If you were my girl and saw you hanging around group of people that can not be good for you then, I would probably ask you to do the same.

Good times or not is the choice you need to make IMO since obviously that's what he wants you to do, it seems. 

Definitely agree with this hence why I made the decision to back off as well as other factors I’ve experienced with them. What about the current situation of # of sex partners or past relations? What’s your opinion on that

[spinstermanquee]

11 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

he’s not telling me what to do but expressing how he feels and I form actions off of that. 

"I feel like your friends are hoes"

"I am mad your ex bf has photos on his social media"

"I'm upset with the number of past partners you've had [even though it's the same as mine]."

Those don't sound like "feelings" to me but rather pronouncements or judgements about you and your choices.  Thing is, this is the beginning of a never ending litany of your sins and shortcomings.  Be prepared for as long as you are with him, there is always going to be something YOU are doing WRONG.  Ice queen, this is not how you support someone and help them live their best life.

If he were truly supportive he wouldn't give a crap about what your ex bf social media, because he's with you not the ex.  Your number would mean nothing to him, that's the past baby and you can't change it... as for your friends, well they were around before him and they'll be around after him (if they are true friends, not much info there).

Good luck Ice queen.

 

[Ice queen]

5 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

"I feel like your friends are hoes"

"I am mad your ex bf has photos on his social media"

"I'm upset with the number of past partners you've had [even though it's the same as mine]."

Those don't sound like "feelings" to me but rather pronouncements or judgements about you and your choices.  Thing is, this is the beginning of a never ending litany of your sins and shortcomings.  Be prepared for as long as you are with him, there is always going to be something YOU are doing WRONG.  Ice queen, this is not how you support someone and help them live their best life.

If he were truly supportive he wouldn't give a crap about what your ex bf social media, because he's with you not the ex.  Your number would mean nothing to him, that's the past baby and you can't change it... as for your friends, well they were around before him and they'll be around after him (if they are true friends, not much info there).

Good luck Ice queen.

 

Thank you 

[left due to request]

You know... I will simply give you an example... I dated this beautiful girl a few years ago.  Sex was great but she did tell me she was experienced.  Didn't give it a thought but only that we should go get tested for STD.  We did and both of us were cleared.

One time, during sex, I felt that she was not much engaged, but I tossed that aside and thought nothing of it.  The very first thing she said afterwards was "I think my boss is making a move on me"  I know it was a pointless conversation for her but it wasn't for me.   The fact that she thought she's still attracting others was given and the fact that she was trying to make me think about what she has just said?  Guess what I said to her?  "Why are you telling me this right after what we  just did?  If you think you have a chance with your boss, go for it."  

timing is everything.  We were done in 2 weeks but she was at my door steps for several months afterwards, begging, lying and influencing my friends to get back together.  At one point she said she was pregnant with my baby.

The point is that sometimes what you think of casual conversation is detrimental to your partner.  Think back of those thoughtless conversations see if anything he or you have said immediately after that caused your decline in your relationship.