Help me understand

[LostLove80]

Hi all, new to the forum. Trying to get my head around something and could use some opinions to help me sort it in my head. It's a long story but;

I'm a man in my early 40's.

I was in a 5 year relationship, this was my first and only (so far) long term relationship since my marriage ended. We met not long after my marriage ended - it was one of those chance meetings on the school run. We got to chatting, and it wasn't anymore than that for a long time as I was really hurt over the end of my marriage (my ex wife left me for a man she had an affair with). After around a year of knowing each other we started dating and quickly fell into a relationship.

We never lived together, I had suggested it at one point, but she felt we were better as we were, at least until our kids from previous relationships were a little older. I was ok with this as honestly, she was terrible with money, frequently failing to pay bills or her rent and at one point was evicted from her home because of it (this was when I invited her and her son to live with me). 

Anyway, the relationship was, at times, a challenge. She was convinced I was still in love with my ex wife throughout our relationship simply because we managed to co-parent our child effectively and weren't at each others throats all the time like she was with her ex-husband who was the father of her child. We had little in common and shared few interests. Had different priorities and values. But - we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together with the kids as well. She would always say I was the only man who'd ever treated her well, supported her and didn't treat her like a piece of meat.

Anyway, one night we were chatting late at night after a few drinks and she decided she wanted complete honesty and confessed to me that for the past few months she'd been making extra money by doing phone sex. I felt a little perturbed by this, but was ultimately ok with it - and this led me to confess that I'd dabbled in crossdressing in the past and had been curious about experimenting with other men on occasion but had never gone through with it, but assured her I would always be faithful to her.

She LOVED this. And decided to indulge my crossdressing, buying me outfits, doing my make up and helping me with hair and thanks to her I was able to convincingly pass as female and we went out a few times as women. I couldn't have been happier.

Anyway, along came the pandemic, and the lockdowns here. To begin with, she was taking it all very seriously and taking every precaution, while I did the same. We didn't see each other for a few months as we were both being diligent but talking on the phone daily. Eventually we were allowed to 'support bubble' with one other household where there was only one adult so we were each others and this meant that we could spend a little time together at each others homes.

Then, I got taken ill  (not covid). I was hospitalised and came close to dying. I had to sheild, as my immune system had basically been turned off with medication and this meant I couldn't take any risks at all with covid. 

This tied in with her getting bored of lockdowns and deciding to ignore the advice and started having parties and friends over etc.

She'd invite me, knowing my situation, and telling me to 'just wear a mask' despite the fact I was struggling to breathe and could barely get ut of bed for more than a few hours each day, and getting angry and impatient with me if I didn't take her out places etc.

I didn't know this - but she'd started to tell her friends that she thought I was cheating on her, with men, (she'd told all her friends about what I'd confessed) 

As I recovered, and had the vaccines (which she refused to get) we started to see each other a little more but I was still getting tired easily and this had an impact on our sex life - which again led to her convincing herself I was cheating on her.

IT all came to a head one night when after some wine, I was too tired for sex and she got angry at me, and confessed that she'd been feeling neglected for a while and had fallen in love with a married co-worker (who didn't even know about it), had slept with another man while I was recovering, and that she didn't want to be with 'a bummer' (her words) she no longer had feelings for me, and had felt this way for a while.

We broke up on the spot. I was crushed, as I hadn't seen any of this coming, from my point of view, aside from the impatience about my covid precautions, she'd seemed supportive and understanding to me. I spent along time trying to reconcile.

Over the next few months, she vilified me as if I'd done something terrible to her, talking *** about me to anyone who'd listen but eventually, we'd managed to get back a tentative friendship.

that all ended about 4 months ago though (we'd been broken up 18 months at this point). Having been single for some time, and coming to the realisation that she was not right for me, I had decided to explore those urges I'd had before, and finally accepted that I'm bisexual, and slept with a man. 

the mistake I'd made was forgetting that her gay best friend will do anything for drama, had seen me on a gay hookup app and showed her my profile.

She kicked right off at me, and harrassed me for weeks about how i'd lied to her, betrayed her, 'duped' her, and sending me vitriolic messages and voicemails.

She deleted me on social media and we've not spoken since. 

I spoke to a mutual acquaintance yesterday, and now, almost 2 years since we broke up she's still furious with me, bad mouths me at every opportunity, tells lies about me, and takes any opportunity she can to tell people what a scumbag I am, and how she's glad she cheated on me. 

She's suffering with depression, doing drugs, failing to pay her bills, getting into trouble at work and blaming all of this on me. 

She's told her son everything, from her point of view, and he now hates me (we'd managed to stay in touch as I was the closest thing to an involved dad he had).

So far, she's not said anything to my family or friends (i'm not out yet about my sexuality, purely because I need to be sure my ex wife won't make things difficult for me regarding child access, and my ex-gfs reaction has honestly scared me)

Now, I don't think i've done anything wrong, but her reaction has obviously come from somewhere. No smoke without fire so to speak.

From MY point of view, I fell in love, opened up, fell ill, and got cheated on. SHE slept with someone else. SHE fell for someone else. SHE couldn't support me when I needed her the most, despite the fact that for 5 years I'd dropped everything and come running to bail her out of crisis after crisis of her own making (like her eviction, when I spent my savings paying her debts to make sure she could get a home).

Yet, I'm being vilified by someone who left ME, for someone else, for finally exploring my sexuality - she's acting as thought I'd slept with this guy while we were together and was the reason for our break up when it was a full year after we split before I did anything.

 

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Or am I in the wrong? Is she right to be angry?

 

[Batya33]

I think you should focus on providing a stable environment for  your children since you get along with your ex wife.  You chose to get involved with a person who was unstable and became more unstable and it's good you're not with her anymore.  Once she was evicted I would have helped her financially -some-found her resources -and then exited the romantic relationship because she'd already shown you she was unstable with her financial affairs and you have a lot riding on providing a stable environment for your kids which doesn't include supporting someone you're dating who can't handle basic finances. 

I think you had some thrills with her phone sex, cross dressing, going out and partying with this unstable person and now you're experiencing the downsides.  You opened up without -especially as a father -having appropriate boundaries. Including playing "dad" to her son. It's not fair of you to let him get attached to you.

I'm very sorry you were so ill physically!

If she does try to hamper your life in any real way then you can look for appropriate resources to do damage control.  For now stay completely out of her way.  Do not speak of her to anyone, either on your own initiative.  She is unstable so avoid her.  Good luck and I'm sorry you're in this situation - it's a downside of getting and staying involved with someone so unstable.  

[LostLove80]

Thanks Batya33.

I must admit, while I was concerned about her financial behaviour I never really considered her unstable at the time. I made excuses for her, she has a habit of blaming everyone but herself- it was her landlord, or the letting agents fault because they just wanted to sell the house. It was much later I learned she'd just decided not to pay her rent for 6 months, then act as if she was somehow entitled to do so as she'd been a "good tenant" despite leaving the place in need of renovation. 

 

Of course now, I see it very differently and yes I should have walked away much sooner and definitely should have opened up to her about something so personal, especially as it had no bearing on our relationship or how I felt about her. 

You're absolutely right, she's unstable in more ways than one. 

I had managed to put this out of my mind for a while but ran into a mutual acquantance yesterday who told me how she's still bad mouthing me in pretty much every conversation while making up stuff too and honestly, it bothers me that I'm being painted in such a way by her and that she's making my personal life about her.

 

It shouldn't. But it really does. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Of course it bothers you. So tell your mutual people to stop 100% mentioning her or gossiping about her to you.  And you stop gossiping about her. You wrote in your first post she was "terrible" with money not just the eviction and it sounds like you chose to overlook that because she was a lot of fun to be around.  Keep it real so you don't choose to be vulnerable again to unstable people.  

Keep your focus on your kids IMO.

[Starlight925]

Agree with @Batya33!

Best thing you can do is to simply say nothing to her, and nothing about her.  

If she "outs" you, then that's the unfortunate price you pay for trusting someone so unstable.  Yes, you knew she was unstable before you started dating, as someone who can't pay rent to the point of eviction is, as we say in the dating world, "undateable".

Keep her blocked, and if someone tells you what she's saying about, put your hands over your ears and repeat after me:  "Waaappp waaaaapp  wapppp wapppp"  (remember Charlie Brown, the way they heard adults speak?).

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, LostLove80 said:

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

 

People are in no habit of "villifying" themselves. In order for her to do that she would have to be a "bad guy", accept she cheated and fell in love with someone else. Like this, she blames it on you. You neglected her and werent able to perform. Now with convenient excuse of you maybe not attracted to women at all. So she "had to cheat". That is at least her line of thinking.

That is how it is with liars and cheaters. Everything you do is an excuse for them. Because otherwise their concience wouldnt be clear and they couldnt cheat. Its her character flaw, not yours. 

3 hours ago, LostLove80 said:

Or am I in the wrong?

Only thing you were wrong about is not being a good judge of character. Did you ever thought how bad of a character your ex was? Somebody who cant take care of herself that she gets thrown out of her living space and needs to resort to phone sex to pay for stuff. Somebody so vain that the minute you werent able to perform she started telling all her friends how you werent attracted to women and outed you as crossdresser. Frankly, even before you wrote it, I knew she was gona cheat. What do you expect that somebody vain and with low moral code that she resots to selling herself(well her voice but I wouldnt be surprised if it was more she just wouldnt admit it) would do but cheat on you the first chance she gets?

You should have broke all that years ago. Very bad character and somebody who isnt a long relationship material. And whether its a man or a woman, you should watch out on that. Especially you should not even tell her "Hi" on the street after she cheated. That is where your every contact with that person should have stopped completely.

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, LostLove80 said:

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Or am I in the wrong? Is she right to be angry?

Because she is unstable and feeds off the drama of it all.  It keeps her from looking at herself and fixing her own crap.  

You are not wrong.  Sounds like you did nothing wrong in the relationship or after.  You did however ignore red flags and make some bad choices.  So what do you do?  As others have said-- stop the gossip.  Next time she comes up in conversation tell your friend to stop. they are your friend, right?  Ask them to help you stop all this gossip. It's hurting you and could lead to hurting your kids. 

Some people (a lot) of people love gossip.  They don't see how it hurts others.  They may even think they are being a good friend to you by reporting back. Put your foot down.

Unfortunately, she has a history of blaming others for her own mistakes, so until she finds someone else to blame, you are on the hook.  If your friends can't support you in this, pull back from them.  People know what they do, especially once you point it out as a problem for you.

Next- start healing yourself.  Not everyone cheats.  Unfortunately, you have been with two cheaters.  This will naturally make you feel some kind of way.  Work through that.  Start focusing on your boundaries and your standards for what the people around you must meet to stay in your life.

Cheaters, deadbeats, gossips, liars all should be deal breakers.  As soon as she got evicted or couldn't pay her bills, you should have been out of there.  I used to be like you-- seeing all people as good people with their struggles.  You know what that got me?  Struggles and drama.  You have to look at it as parenting yourself.  Holding yourself to high standards and keeping yourself out of trouble.

You don't have to fix anybody.  You just have to protect yourself by turning away.  

[boltnrun]

Avoid that "mutual acquaintance". This person deliberately and knowingly told you things that would hurt you. "I just thought you should know" is code for "I love to stir up drama". And this person absolutely went running to your ex to tell her exactly what you said and how you reacted, giving her more fuel. Definitely do not engage with people who enjoy spreading gossip.

I think you know now you chose to ignore red flags. Perhaps you wanted something to make you feel better after your wife left you and as a result you chose poorly. Please take from this a lesson to choose more wisely and to never again ignore glaring red flags 

Focus on your children for now. And be careful about who you allow into your life. 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, LostLove80 said:

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Well, if I may, she sounds plain unstable: 

11 hours ago, LostLove80 said:

She's suffering with depression, doing drugs, failing to pay her bills, getting into trouble at work and blaming all of this on me

The above is your cue that she is not rational and is failing to take accountability for her own bad behaviour. Casting you as the villain in her story is just a continuation of that - blaming you helps support that narrative in her own head and "excuses" her from responsibility for effing up her own life this badly. She is taking the victim role and you are the easiest target for the Bad Guy. She crows so loudly about this to deflect from herself. 

8 hours ago, LostLove80 said:

It was much later I learned she'd just decided not to pay her rent for 6 months, then act as if she was somehow entitled to do so as she'd been a "good tenant" despite leaving the place in need of renovation.

So, she is a sucky person and has been for a long time. How much did you overlook or minimize to yourself in your time with her? She doesn't hide her dysfunction very well. 

[redswim30]

RED FLAG NUMBER 1-  A person who bashes an entire gender and has to proclaim that every single person they ever dated was "trash".   When you hear this from anyone- RUN. Run, Run, RUN! 

Every person they dated all have one thing in common. 

I'm sorry all this happened to you.   But, please just learn from it and move forward. 

Unfortunately, in life we cannot control every narrative.   Believe me, I understand how frustrating that can be.  I was married to someone who cheated on me our entire marriage while I was faithful.  After we mutually decided to separate and were living separately and already were in process of divorce, we had a conversation together if we agreed on seeing other people before the divorce was finalized and we did- of course, he was ALREADY seeing someone else and thought I didn't know (she told me).  I started seeing someone a while later, and I heard thru the grapevine that he was telling others I was "cheating" on him because we weren't divorced yet.  I couldn't believe my ears!  He had cheated on me our whole marriage while I was faithful (even while know HE was cheating constantly and also currently had a girlfriend) and I only started seeing someone months after we were no longer living together, had already filed for divorce, and talked with each other about it openly. 

But, some people bought his version.  And yes, it was very frustrating. But guess what I learned?  People who WANT to believe the worst of you will, no matter what the truth is.  And people who WANT to believe better of you WILL, no matter what someone else says.  The good news is, you learn through experiences like this which of your friends fall into which of these groups, and it is often eye opening. 

IMO, you didn't do anything wrong.   In terms of does she have a "right" to be angry?  I don't think she does, but it doesn't really matter.  People who do terrible things always think they are justified.   She generally sounds like a person that doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions.  

Again, the moment  anyone says all men (or women) SUCK and everyone they've ever dated is TERRIBLE- chances are when they break up with you, you will also "SUCK" and be "TERRIBLE".  So will the next person.   I've known too many people like this, they always fail to grasp that all these "terrible" people had a common denominator.  And every breakup isn't usually one person's fault.  If they never think it's THEIRS, that says a LOT. 

Breathe.  Try and let it go and move forward knowing this red flag to look for now. 

 

[catfeeder]

It's the guiltiest of people who tend to blame others the most.

You saw this woman's mistreatment of you during and after your breakup, yet you continued to stay involved with her and sink yourself into an even deeper pot of mistreatment. 

That's an important point for considering WHY so you won't make the same mistake again.

I'd also ditch whoever is pretending to be your friend while continuing to dump this woman's crap on you. That is the person who keeps stirring her pot, and there's your reason for why the poison continues.

[left due to request]

No idea where some of these comments are coming from but....

@LostLove80  move on and like some people here already said, focus on your kids and ignore the chatters.  you do not need to understand everything that woman has done and will do.

She now is a stranger to you so treat her like one.