Girl I’ve been dating had a freak out and has now said she wants to be FWB

[Guyonajourney]

Hi all, 

Looking for some advice on this situation.

Some context - M25 and F25, we’ve been casually dating for around 6 weeks, everything been going really well. Fun date nights, have stayed over at each others houses etc.

Around a week ago on a date night I wanted to see where her head was at and if she was happy with how things were going as I was enjoying JUST dating for now and didn’t want to lead her on in any way. She agreed that it was going at a good pace and there were no pressures. 

Fast forward to Christmas time, she wasn’t texting as regularly but she had family from abroad over so I thought nothing of it. She mentioned that she wouldn’t see my before my holiday on the 29th because I was busy so I suggested the 2nd when I was back to which sh  agreed. I then became free the day before my holiday so asked if she was and she said “that would be really good to see you” so we arranged a date,  but then her mum surprised her and her family with a dinner etc so she couldn’t come (wasn’t really bothered as it wasn’t her fault). I said ill see you when I’m back as previously agreed, she said yes. 

On holiday a few days ago she messages me saying shes been overthinking a lot and needs some time to herself. I asked her if there was anything I’ve said or done and she said no, she said she’s feeling really weird in her own skin and can’t understand whats changed. Funnily enough she started taking the contraceptive pill and I’m wondering if its had an exaggerated her thoughts, I’m no expert I just know it does things to hormones etc. 

So I gave her space as requested and then the other day I  messaged her saying happy new year and confirmed meeting today as planned. She then said to me she thinks its best we cut things off as she “doesn’t see a future in it” yet on our last date we agreed we weren’t thinking about the future and just going with the flow. She said she likes her own space and time etc (the usual stuff). She said “I feel horrible for doing this, I don’t know whats changed and I wish I could give an explanation.” I said okay, its your decision I’m not here to sit and change your mind. She then phoned me crying and saying sorry etc but she was still saying she just doesn’t see a point in it as shes not ready to settle down (even though I’ve never asked her to). 

We spoke for a bit had a bit of a laugh and I said well I’ll see you about then, left it at that and hung up. She then text again saying “sorry” i said its no problem. Then I jokingly suggested FWB. I said “if you don't want to go on dates etc lets just be FWB.” She said “that sounds complicated and someone will end up hurt” but then agreed to it. I didn’t actually expect her to say yes. She then said “if we’re FWB there needs to be rules like no texting all the time etc, if you were *** in bed this would be a lot easier”. She then went on to say “ffs im horny now” this was at 11:45PM. I jokingly Said “ill be 25 minutes then” She said “no way ur not coming round at this time”, i said “don’t you love the spontaneity?” She said “if ur coming round im in my pjs with no makeup on”. I said “that doesnt bother me” then interestingly she said “but i still want you to fancy me”. 

Anyway, fast forward I go round she cuddles me right away as i walk in, starts to complain about how shes feeling in her own skin and her body. We then go to bed she kept asking me to cuddle her and kiss her etc etc. It got to 2AM and she said “you’re staying over right?” I said I’d planned to drive home, she asked me to stay so I stayed the night slept together, quite intense. Woke up in the morning and she said “id make you breakfast but that seems not very FWB?” She then made and brought me breakfast 🤣. 

Since then we haven’t text constantly like we usually do but shes asked me to come over again today. 

Im honestly confused by it and wondering if i just go with the FWB and see what happens as I'm not really ready for a relationship either just now, albeit i do like her as a person and do see her as a potential partner. 
 

I know what everyone will say about FWB as its normally a recipe for disaster. But I’m wondering if shes started to catch feelings for me and its freaked her out and shes pulled this on me. She had previously said she was very guarded and working hard to get it down. 
 

Or maybe I’ve been too cold with my feelings? We have good dates etc but I’ve never spoke about me feelings or anything, maybe she thinks I’m not that interested? 
 

[MissCanuck]

This is not going to end well, OP. 

You've demoted yourself and now you're offering her the benefits of a boyfriend without any commitment. This is not the way to gain a woman's respect. 

I don't think she's scared or any such thing. I think she's got someone else on her radar she wants to explore.  You realize she is free to do that now, right? Do you want to be in her orbit when you hear she's had a date with someone else? That's often how these messy arrangements end, and it would be short-sighted to assume she's not going to see someone else. 

It's just not a good idea. It doesn't even matter why she's pulled the plug, really. What matters is that she doesn't want to date you anymore, so your best bet is to demonstrate that you have got self-respect and boundaries, and be on your way. 

[Guyonajourney]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is not going to end well, OP. 

You've demoted yourself and now you're offering her the benefits of a boyfriend without any commitment. This is not the way to gain a woman's respect. 

I don't think she's scared or any such thing. I think she's got someone else on her radar she wants to explore.  You realize she is free to do that now, right? Do you want to be in her orbit when you hear she's had a date with someone else? That's often how these messy arrangements end, and it would be short-sighted to assume she's not going to see someone else. 

It's just not a good idea. It doesn't even matter why she's pulled the plug, really. What matters is that she doesn't want to date you anymore, so your best bet is to demonstrate that you have got self-respect and boundaries, and be on your way. 

I guess your right. Although I wouldn’t say I’ve demoted myself. She already said lets not date but I’d still want to sleep with her. 
 

She has always been free to do that though, we’ve never been an actual item. But tbh I was going to mention to her about sleeping with others and STDs etc. 
 

Maybe I’ll just say this when I’m with her tonight face to face. Either you want to date or we just leave this be because I’m not just going to be used for all the perks but with no commitment. 
 

I don’t understand why she still wants me to “fancy” her though if she doesn’t want to date. Still calling me “babe” and other names. 
 

Should I just be upfront and say its either dating or nothing and lay the cards out? 

[Batya33]

Yes. Tell her your personal standards and what you want. She’s not your close friend who you have sex with when you’re both in the mood. She’s someone you were dating who stopped feeling whatever it is she wanted to feel but she feels enough to hang out and have intercourse when it’s convenient for her. But you want more. That’s not a good match or healthy for you to continue including physically. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

I don’t understand why she still wants me to “fancy” her though if she doesn’t want to date.

A lot of people are like this. They love having a fan club. It boosts their ego, even if they are just not that into you. 

7 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Should I just be upfront and say its either dating or nothing

Yes, and then stick to it. 

[smackie9]

We can't tell what she is thinking. The only way to do this is figure out what YOU really want, and what she really wants. Have an open honest conversation and make your decision then. 

[Guyonajourney]

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A lot of people are like this. They love having a fan club. It boosts their ego, even if they are just not that into you. 

Yes, and then stick to it. 

For context this is what she said when she wanted to cut it off - “Over the last week or so I’ve been over thinking about things a lot and my heads a bit f*cked, I just know that I’m definitely not ready for anything serious with anyone. I’ve been enjoying this time on my own and I’m not ready to give it up, I think you’re a great person and have genuinely had so much fun spending time with you. I still very much fancy you and I maybe just need to get out my own head but I think to avoid hurting anyones feelings I need to end this now before out feelings get deeper. I feel really *** about it and know it’s completely out of the blue from me but I can’t help how I feel, I just know this is what I need at the moment.”

But as I said, I’m going tonight and saying it straight. Will update later. 
 

thanks 
 

[Guyonajourney]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

We can't tell what she is thinking. The only way to do this is figure out what YOU really want, and what she really wants. Have an open honest conversation and make your decision then. 

Thanks for the advice. Yeah think I just need to be frank with her and lay the cards out. 

[MissCanuck]

Her unnecessarily verbose message to you doesn't reveal anything else significant. 

Peel away all the rambling and the the message is still the same - I don't see us dating. 

[Guyonajourney]

48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Her unnecessarily verbose message to you doesn't reveal anything else significant. 

Peel away all the rambling and the the message is still the same - I don't see us dating. 

very true. A lot of talking but the same message. 
 

She text me there saying “been thinking about you all day, see u soon daddy” like w t f ? 😂😂 

 

[Sindy_0311]

I think you should ask her what she wants one last time, give her a dilemma, either a committed relationship or nothing. The FWB situation is like holding on something that already died... She should be able to answer in the moment, no more time to think about... If she can't make a decision, you decide for her... 

If she says she wants a relationship, great!

If not, you go and leave her. You go SILENT. no calls, no texts, nothing... so she can understand what life without is like, and realize whether or not she wants you back... But I guess she already made he choice. I'm sorry... Been there... 

[Jaunty]

I have a different take than most others here.  

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

I wanted to see where her head was at and if she was happy with how things were going as I was enjoying JUST dating for now and didn’t want to lead her on in any way. She agreed that it was going at a good pace and there were no pressures. 

I think she can't really do this, no matter what she says or whether she'd like to do it. 

Seems like she's aware that she's not ready for a committed relationship with you now.   Probably dating you, being intimate, under the agreement both of you made that it is not going anywhere, is not in her nature.  She is not trying to find her future husband and consciously grooming you for that - not at all.  Simply that when it became very out on the table that you already had a "FWB" type of deal, she started moving away.

Then when you finally got together again, she fell back into "relationship mode."  Short lived.  So the whole thing got pushed to a place where it was not going to be doable.

I'm probably  projecting because I can relate a bit to what I think she's feeling.  I can't imagine putting any energy whatsoever in a relationship that definitely has no future.  Simply would not do it.  If circumstances arose for casual sex I might partake, though it was pretty unusual.  But I would not ever bother with "casual dating" or "FWB" relationships.  When single I would prefer to spend my time with friends or my daughter than dating women I had no long term interest in.

 

[MissCanuck]

44 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

She text me there saying “been thinking about you all day, see u soon daddy” like w t f ? 😂😂

I think she's simply happy to have you as a filler while she continues looking for the guy who knocks her socks off. 

[lostandhurt]

If you like the sex and she likes the sex and neither of you weren't looking for a relationship right now then why is a FWB a problem?

  Both people being honest (most importantly with themselves) then why not?  Could it end badly?  Yes it could just like relationships can end badly but we still take a chance on them all the time.

 Is she wishy washy?  Yes she is but that isn't your problem since you were already okay with not dating her if that was her wish. If there is a big downside to this for you then bail but if not why not test drive the FWB thing and see how it goes.

 What is the worse thing that could happen? Never see or speak to her again?  That was about to happen anyways until you threw out the FWB idea.

 Lost

[reinventmyself]

Does she have a recent ex by chance?  Can't help but think that during the holidays, ex's tend to resurface.  This is about the exact time she started having second thoughts. Is she holding out for something else and at the same time keeping you at arms length?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

 I was enjoying JUST dating for now and didn’t want to lead her on in any way.  

It seems like a couple of possibilities. One is you indicated you wanted her in the "casual" pile.

The other is that being around friends and family influenced her decision to pull back to protect herself.

Another thought is that she heard from someone who still matters, but it's in the air for now. That's why she's biding her time.

[Guyonajourney]

Update - bit of a strange one. Went round and we made dinner then sat and cuddled on the sofa and watched a film. Gave her a few looks during it and she saying “what” and we were laughing. She then went to the kitchen to make something and came back and I said “rewind it I wasnt watching it” she said “what were you doing?” I said just on my phone…. She said “texting the side chicks” and laughed. This isn't the first time shes mentioned “side chicks”. So I thought this was a good chance to raise the issue. I said you’ve mentioned this a few times is it something that’s concerning you? Are you scared of being hurt or something? She said “well you never know what people are like but no thats not the reason, I just feel how I feel”. I said “okay well heres my stance, I feel like this FWB isn’t a good arrangement because I’d still like to date you.” She said “it was a mutual agreement to not date”…. No it wasn’t. She then said “just lets enjoy it like this for a little while and then we could think about dating again? I just feel like I put alot of pressure on myself and as time goes on the natural route is towards a relationship”. I said “theres no pressure and there never has been”. She then said “okay so if I said right now, I want you to be my boyfriend what would you say”. I said I’m not sure why you’re asking that as both answers could be wrong, but honestly- I’d say “lets keep dating for a little while longer and revisit the conversation. Considering we have never spoke about even exclusively dating I think going down a boyfriend/girlfriend route would be a bit soon?” She then laughed and said well luckily “I don't want anything serious just now”. I said well I think this arrangement is a bit silly, no texting and just randomly meeting but  cooking dinners and staying over it seems more than FWB? I said, if you think you can keep me on the side whilst you play the field then you can think again. She then got slightly annoyed and said “im not doing that, I dont want to date anyone and I like spending this time with you.” An interesting part was when she said “you’d not date me again after this hassle I’ve caused anyway” She also mentioned a few times how her heads just a mess and a bit ***ed and it will fix itself

Conversation basically ended there not really much of a resolution. Ended up in her bedroom and things progressed as always. It was about 10pm and i said, “I best get going” she said “thought you were staying?”. I said its not very FWB to do that. She said “stay for another 15mins then”, so I did and then I stupidly fell asleep. 
 

Anyway, woke up this morning and she was cuddling me and not wanting me to leave. Left and text saying I got home, she reacted to the message but didn't actually reply. 
 

the saga continues…..

[Guyonajourney]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like a couple of possibilities. One is you indicated you wanted her in the "casual" pile.

The other is that being around friends and family influenced her decision to pull back to protect herself.

Another thought is that she heard from someone who still matters, but it's in the air for now. That's why she's biding her time.

Yes that makes sense. 
 

Its a tricky one as will never really know the answer. 

[justplainme]

can i ask where did you meet this woman? as you mentioned FWB was it a hook up site? as i met someone from a hook up site and we didnt ever go down that route and i like her she did like me but its becoming very distant now and i am struggling to understand whats going on in my own head, but from advice i have been given from my own situation i think it does not help that i met this woman from a hook up site and have been reading the signs all wrong.

[Guyonajourney]

2 hours ago, justplainme said:

can i ask where did you meet this woman? as you mentioned FWB was it a hook up site? as i met someone from a hook up site and we didnt ever go down that route and i like her she did like me but its becoming very distant now and i am struggling to understand whats going on in my own head, but from advice i have been given from my own situation i think it does not help that i met this woman from a hook up site and have been reading the signs all wrong.

We met in a bar so no hook up sites and we started dating right away and didn’t physically hook up until after around 4 dates.

[Guyonajourney]

16 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Does she have a recent ex by chance?  Can't help but think that during the holidays, ex's tend to resurface.  This is about the exact time she started having second thoughts. Is she holding out for something else and at the same time keeping you at arms length?

Has an ex but as far as I can see he hasn’t resurfaced. When im with her she leaves her phone in the room with me etc doesnt ever hide it either

[Guyonajourney]

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

If you like the sex and she likes the sex and neither of you weren't looking for a relationship right now then why is a FWB a problem?

  Both people being honest (most importantly with themselves) then why not?  Could it end badly?  Yes it could just like relationships can end badly but we still take a chance on them all the time.

 Is she wishy washy?  Yes she is but that isn't your problem since you were already okay with not dating her if that was her wish. If there is a big downside to this for you then bail but if not why not test drive the FWB thing and see how it goes.

 What is the worse thing that could happen? Never see or speak to her again?  That was about to happen anyways until you threw out the FWB idea.

 Lost

You have a valid point. But I do prefer dating and doing activities and to be honest I prefer a bit more substance than just hooking up. 
 

but yes you are right. Either way, couldve completely stopped speaking but instead we have this weird FWB thing now. Take the positives. 
 

posted an updated earlier…. Was an interesting night

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

But I’m wondering if shes started to catch feelings for me and its freaked her out and shes pulled this on me.

Speaking from my own experience: My guess it's the opposite. She's not catching feelings and isn't going to catch feelings. She likes you as a person and as a man, but she doesn't want this to go beyond friendship. I think her making you breakfast was a gesture of appreciation and gratitude that you are down with that. She's affectionate and cuddly towards you because she's an affectionate and cuddly person. Now that she's announced up front that she has no romantic intentions toward you, she feels she can be as affectionate and flirty as she wants because you know better than to allow yourself to interpret it as more than it is. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

”. I said its not very FWB to do that. 

Do you both want FWB? Or dating?

It seems odd to carry on as usual but keep redefining and debating what FWB is.

What would you like to see happening? Because you seem to be spending a lot of time dancing around the issues by debating what exclusive is or dating is or FWB is and so on.

Perhaps decide what you would like to do about this. 

Since labels and definitions aren't as important as how you both feel, why not enjoy each other until it evolves or ends?

[Batya33]

I liked how direct you were with her but this is not FWB- this is a sex arrangement she wants - you've only known her 2 months -you're not longstanding close friends who decided to add on sex. She wants to keep it as if she wants company no need to plan a date -you come over you hang out and have sex if it happens.  She wants you two to "enjoy" that but it's one sided because it's only enjoyable for you at the moment.  

I think it's ridiculous that she commented about your phone and asked you about side chicks.  

It's not just about "labels" -you asked those questions not for semantics but because you want to know her underlying intentions (and she told you) and anyway the label FWB is a silly euphemism and she is no real friend of yours.  

Yes "everything is a risk" in a relationship (including in my marriage of course - no 100% guarantees) but you manage the risks -you don't walk into a situation that you know already is settling for scraps for you. 

Also if you meet someone who does want to date properly that person might not be comfortable that you have a sex arrangement -even if you end it right then if there is a discussion about STD testing or about whether you are a person who has casual sex it might not be a good look (or you might not care -maybe you want someone who is cool with casual sex and had had it, etc)