Help With BiPolar Ex

[girltalkCA]

Posted Sunday at 09:10 AM

Back in June, I broke up with my ex after 3.5 years. This was our 2nd break-up. Even though our relationship wasn't able to gain momentum as far as us living together and developing a life together, we are compatible in many ways (good communication, laugh/have fun, get each other share, vulnerable with each other...etc), have a very good friendship, and love each other very much. She is bipolar, on medication and doing ECT. Her dr says she is "stable" but it is yet to be seen how stable once she goes off the ECT maintenance and is able to get her life back on track (i.e. get a job, support herself, deal with stress etc...). For the last 1-2 years she has been recovering from a manic and very bad depressive episode this last year.  Her brother also passed of an overdose 2 years ago and her mother is an alcoholic, in denial, and she sees her mother going down a similar path as her brother which is incredibly scary and re-traumatizing.  She and her dad are trying to get her  mother into rehab but have been unsuccessful so far.  As a result, my ex's life has been consumed with dealing with family issues and not being able to focus on her own life, let alone our "relationship" or even dating for that matter.

About 3 months ago, my ex reached out to me after our breakup (she's done this before) and we ended up "dating" again. There is a part of me that, even though I love her beyond belief and I know she loves me very much, I know we can't be in a relationship because we've already been down that path for 3 + years and it didn't work.    

Just this last week, I've noticed old patterns repeating and believe she may be cycling into another episode. She keeps claiming that I am "pressuring her" which I am not and noticing she has lost some insight and is starting to make false and irrational accusations. Her last ECT treatment was also very difficult and she is still trying to physically from that. I also noticed she has been wanting to see me less and not wanting to be physical. We were supposed to go on an overnight trip but ended up not going. We haven't talked in 2 days because it just seemed like were going in circles and not making any progress. Plus, I honestly don't feel like she is capable of understanding me right now.

What should I do? Take some time? Tell her I need time or just let my silence speak for itself?

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

You have to end all contact with this woman, OP.

Tell her that you cannot continue to be in her life and respectfully end it there. And then stick to it. 

[Wiseman2]

Until you decide what is healthy and happy for you and discontinue this on/off situation, you'll be cycling through this.

Please stop trying to fix, change, parent or doctor her. Try to better understand the seriousness of her illness and trying to make her "better" for your own sake.

Instead of focusing on her illness, focus on your own wellbeing. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Keep the focus on you.

 

[Batya33]

I think you should follow the input and advice you were given last time.

[boltnrun]

On your previous thread about this same topic you mentioned you are seeing a therapist.

What does your therapist advise? Are they encouraging you to continue this relationship?

[girltalkCA]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

On your previous thread about this same topic you mentioned you are seeing a therapist.

What does your therapist advise? Are they encouraging you to continue this relationship?

My therapist encourages me to accept the reality of my experiences  and make the best decision for myself which would probably be to cut ties and move on.

We haven't talked in 3 days. We were supposed to "get away" on Thursday but drove back because she wasn't feeling well physically but also I could tell she was off and not herself as she started making false accusations that she normally wouldn't make which is what she did in the past as a precursor to her cycling. I'm tempted to just let it be and not contact her. It's very unusual for her to not contact me, which is even more of an indicator that she is not well.  

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

which would probably be to cut ties and move on.

I imagine you're paying your therapist to help you. So why ignore their professional advice?

Why do you feel so compelled to get this woman to love you? Do you have a reason other than "but I LOVE her!!" or "potential" that depends on her being a completely different person?

[MissCanuck]

52 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

It's very unusual for her to not contact me, which is even more of an indicator that she is not well.

You're focused on the wrong things. 

What's far more concerning is that you are attracted to this dysfunction. 

[smackie9]

My mom is bi-polar manic/depressed. Dude run for the frickin hills. Sadly this is her life and will always be her life. She has zero coping skills. I doubt she will ever have a stable life/job, etc, especially with the rest of the family is dealing with it's mental illness. When she has kids, this is most likely going to be passed onto them. Sorry but what you see is what you get. You stay you will be walking on eggshells forever.

The truth, everyone on my mom's side suffered/suffers from mental illness and addiction. Luckily for me I was adopted BUT I had a horrible childhood. Please stay broken up, and move on.

[SooSad33]

On 12/10/2022 at 12:00 AM, girltalkCA said:

She keeps claiming that I am "pressuring her" which I am not and noticing she has lost some insight and is starting to make false and irrational accusations. Her last ECT treatment was also very difficult and she is still trying to physically from that. I also noticed she has been wanting to see me less and not wanting to be physical. We were supposed to go on an overnight trip but ended up not going. We haven't talked in 2 days because it just seemed like were going in circles and not making any progress. Plus, I honestly don't feel like she is capable of understanding me right now.

You need to stop all of this.  What 'stable' frame of mind do you think she has? Of course there's no progress.... the same will occur, as nothing has improved in such short of a time.

You already know plenty enough about her to know how hard her life is right now - last thing she needs is to have her 'ex' remain in the picture.

She is NOT able to keep a relationship- so stop this.  Neither of you should be expecting anything more from each other.  And what's going on can easily send her off the deep end again 😕 .

So, back off with any expectations and leave her be.  She needs to accept, as do you that this is done now.  Let her work on accepting, healing and work on herself.

And take note to the above response.  Mental health issue's are not to be ignored- but learn.