Feeling Invisible Syndrom at 57

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

 he once told me I am so low maintenance he doesn't realize I even need anything.....whatever that means. 

Unfortunately, it means he's coasting along complacently. He's on autopilot.

He's a grown man so you shouldn't have to spell everything out. In fact when you tried to, he dismissed it with "get a vibrator". So when talking fails, more talking and spelling it out isn't the answer.

Talk can go in one ear and out the other, it's easily dismissed. You need to shake things up with actions. 

Yes be out of the house more, step back from doing everything. Let him make dinner,do his own household stuff, etc.

Invest in yourself more. Take some classes and courses. Join some groups and clubs. Spend time away.

[Willowgirl55]

On 11/29/2022 at 2:09 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it means he's coasting along complacently. He's on autopilot.

He's a grown man so you shouldn't have to spell everything out. In fact when you tried to, he dismissed it with "get a vibrator". So when talking fails, more talking and spelling it out isn't the answer.

Talk can go in one ear and out the other, it's easily dismissed. You need to shake things up with actions. 

Yes be out of the house more, step back from doing everything. Let him make dinner,do his own household stuff, etc.

Invest in yourself more. Take some classes and courses. Join some groups and clubs. Spend time away.

Yes. Exactly this. Honestly I feel so sad when I wake up being the only one in bed on the weekends. When we go to bed he's out like a light within minutes. I feel quite lonely next to him sometimes. 

[Willowgirl55]

Thank you! Yes so much gold advise here !!!

[JohnLee]

Some people are just not into intimate contact. You have tried a lot already. Massage is the best way to connect people but unfortunately, he doesn't like to give or receive. I understand not wanting to give massage but not wanting to receive massage is strange. You need to tell him directly that you feel invisible in the relationship, and you need more intimacy. 

I was in similar situation where my wife's need for cuddling, hugging and kissing is very low compared to me. This is consistent with people that have avoidant leaning personality. On the other hand, I need a lot of intimate contact. We started to give each other massages before sleeping and it helped to get us closer.

[lostandhurt]

So assuming things were good once and sex was a lot more often, there was passion and closeness it shouldn't be some clinical thing.

  You are 57 but you may not have learned this yet.  Men can be idiots.

 We can miss clues that seem obvious to you but sail right past us.  We can think you are the most beautiful sexiest thing we have ever seen or touched every time we see you but we also forget that you need to hear and feel that from us. Men do not think like women and don't have the same needs so we need you to clearly let us know what those needs are.  Just because you have to sit down and talk to him about your needs doesn't mean he doesn't want to provide them, it simply means he is an idiot and needs you to help him see how important they are to not only you but to the health of the relationship.

 Which would you rather do: Stay away from the house and hope he gets worried and changes his ways or be brave and sit down with him and have a conversation.  No beating around the bush, no leaving hints for the idiot but a straight forward conversation.  It starts with a few simple questions.

-Do you still find my attractive? "Yes" Then why don't you show it more?

-How often would you like to be intimate? "Once a week" Okay then why do we go months then?

-I feel like we are in a rut, do you feel the same way?

-Do you feel like I make you a priority in my life?

  These can be hard to start and sometimes you hear things you don't want to hear but in the end it is for the best.

  Solving a problem between two people requires that both know there is a problem.

 Keep posting it will help

 Lost

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

So assuming things were good once and sex was a lot more often, there was passion and closeness it shouldn't be some clinical thing.

  You are 57 but you may not have learned this yet.  Men can be idiots.

 We can miss clues that seem obvious to you but sail right past us.  We can think you are the most beautiful sexiest thing we have ever seen or touched every time we see you but we also forget that you need to hear and feel that from us. Men do not think like women and don't have the same needs so we need you to clearly let us know what those needs are.  Just because you have to sit down and talk to him about your needs doesn't mean he doesn't want to provide them, it simply means he is an idiot and needs you to help him see how important they are to not only you but to the health of the relationship.

 Which would you rather do: Stay away from the house and hope he gets worried and changes his ways or be brave and sit down with him and have a conversation.  No beating around the bush, no leaving hints for the idiot but a straight forward conversation.  It starts with a few simple questions.

-Do you still find my attractive? "Yes" Then why don't you show it more?

-How often would you like to be intimate? "Once a week" Okay then why do we go months then?

-I feel like we are in a rut, do you feel the same way?

-Do you feel like I make you a priority in my life?

  These can be hard to start and sometimes you hear things you don't want to hear but in the end it is for the best.

  Solving a problem between two people requires that both know there is a problem.

 Keep posting it will help

 Lost

I don't know about the "idiots" part, but I agree with the rest and that's why I wrote this previously:

If he doesn't like to be touched it won't occur to him that you Ike to be to touched unless you tell him. And forget that whole "it doesn't mean as much if I have to ask" because that's a good way to remain frustrated.

Anyway, I find the best way to get what I want is to ask.

I think it's silly to play games like "be gone more" when you could simply ask for what you want. If you're afraid to ask, why are you even in this relationship?

[lostandhurt]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know about the "idiots" part

Not total idiots but in things like this trust me we can be.   When younger you can get away with calling it being clueless but at his age it is an idiot move to not pay attention to the women he says he loves no matter the reason. 

I am extremely smart but I can still be an idiot sometimes...

Lost

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Not total idiots but in things like this trust me we can be.   When younger you can get away with calling it being clueless but at his age it is an idiot move to not pay attention to the women he says he loves no matter the reason. 

I am extremely smart but I can still be an idiot sometimes...

Lost

What I considered idiotic was when I flat out told my husband what I'd like (one small gift like a candle or a box of cookies per month) and he said no way, he wasn't going to do that. Even though I told him plainly I would do WHATEVER he wanted if he did that small thing for me. Especially since I was always getting him small gifts.

You may be shocked that he's no longer my husband.

OP, asking for what you want is an easy way to find out if he's willing to do small things to keep the relationship fresh and alive. 

[lostandhurt]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What I considered idiotic was when I flat out told my husband what I'd like (one small gift like a candle or a box of cookies per month) and he said no way, he wasn't going to do that. Even though I told him plainly I would do WHATEVER he wanted if he did that small thing for me. Especially since I was always getting him small gifts.

You make my point exactly.  Whether outright stupid stubborn move or totally out of touch the result is the same.  So many people work so hard to get into a relationship only to let it die on the vine from neglect once the new wears off.

   Your ex was an idiot there is no doubt.

Lost

[spinstermanquee]

On 12/6/2022 at 11:34 AM, lostandhurt said:

So many people work so hard to get into a relationship only to let it die on the vine from neglect once the new wears off.

I think Daphne Rose Kingma called this "the shoebox notion of love."  Once acquired, it gets stored up high on the closet shelf never to be treasured again.  That's why people start coasting, stop caring, and stop those lovely things that made them fall in love in the first place.  Why DO we do that?

[waffle]

On 11/29/2022 at 2:09 AM, Wiseman2 said:

He's a grown man so you shouldn't have to spell everything out. In fact when you tried to, he dismissed it with "get a vibrator". So when talking fails, more talking and spelling it out isn't the answer.

Talk can go in one ear and out the other, it's easily dismissed. You need to shake things up with actions. 

I'll just refer back to the above.

[waffle]

On 12/5/2022 at 6:30 PM, lostandhurt said:

Men can be idiots.

*sigh* I might have to agree with this after all.

[boltnrun]

On 12/6/2022 at 8:34 AM, lostandhurt said:

You make my point exactly.  Whether outright stupid stubborn move or totally out of touch the result is the same.  So many people work so hard to get into a relationship only to let it die on the vine from neglect once the new wears off.

   Your ex was an idiot there is no doubt.

Lost

My ex said "that's not how married people act". Well, he doesn't need to worry about how married people act because he's no longer married 🙄.

That's part of why I think transparent ploys like "be gone more" won't work. It's not like the OP's partner will think "wow, Willow isn't home as much lately. I better step up with showing her affection!" I think it'll sail right over his head.

IMO, better to just plainly state what you want and ask for it nicely.

[Superstickyone]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this rut.  It's common in long term relationships to take one another for granted and live almost like roommates.  Some good advice given by other posters.

Is he going through depression perhaps or other life challenges?  If so, the libido does shut down and sometimes the sexual interest wanes.  Does not mean he doesn't love you though.  

Why don't you try getting out and doing things on your own without out him.  It sounds counterintuitive but maybe he's a bit overwhelmed and needs "space" to miss you.  I know men need this and they can feel it's too much having a woman all over them all the time.  I know you are doing all the great loving stuff a partner normally does to show he's special.  It's not wrong what you're doing but it does sound like he needs some time to miss you.  If he's going through a major depression 😔 then get him to talk or if he won't, just be supportive in a way that also gives him time to work through it on his own.  Men normally prefer to fix things on their own.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

I wanted to chime in on a thought I just had that I think is related and maybe contributes -as you know I'm 56.  I want to know why you feel invisible just because your partner isn't paying enough attention to you? Why aren't you visible to yourself? Why do you need him to validate your visibility to this extent?  Look I'm married -I get it -I like when my husband compliments me including internally - and we have days where we're so buried in our work and life and responsibilities we're like friendly passing ships lol.  

This occurred to me -and maybe you can relate or it wil help -because I work out every morning - been working out regularly since the early 80s and in the last 10 years or so every day and 99.9% of the time first thing in the morning. I am visible to me when I do this -I work myself hard (not in comparison to anyone else -to me), I push through it, I sweat a lot - there's nothing particularly visible about me if someone is also in the small common fitness room downstairs. 

But I'm visible to me. I'm my own cheerleader especially when my muscles are so sore, I'm tired, maybe stressed.  I feel good in my body, I feel good about what my body can do,and I don't need anyone else to notice -I am not the sort to post on social media about my exercise accomplishments -meaning with the photos, etc or what "program" I am doing (no program) - I need no one external to "notice" me -but I notice me.  And it feels good. 

Maybe being visible to yourself in this way -whatever way works for you -will decrease your need for this sort of external validation of your obvious attractiveness.