Sex Drive and SSRIs: Advice

[Naddie101]

Hi everyone. So...my current partner is back on medication after years of attempting to manage his BPD on his own. I started a thread on this issue under the relationships sub heading back in March. Now, of course, there is a NEW problem related to his meds. Our sexlife is practically nonexistant. I have discussed with him twice about this and how I feel. I asked him to talk with his doctor about it, as I know that this is a common problem. He is afraid of changing his meds and falling back into a depression. He told me that he would rather have penis problems than depression. I convinced him to talk to his doctor for me, but he is still convinced that there is nothing his doctor can do. Any advice from those who have gone through something similar would be appreciated. 

[catfeeder]

How long has he been back on the meds?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Naddie101 said:

He told me that he would rather have penis problems than depression.

Then this is his decision. Sadly he doesn't want the relationship as much as you do so your attempts to fix and change him will be met with resistance.

Agree he is not being abusive, but he does not seem ready, willing or able to have the relationship you want. 

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You". Start there.

Then reflect why you want a relationship with someone who is unstable and has serious, difficult to manage mental health issues.

[Naddie101]

@catfeederHe's been back on since mid April. 

[Seraphim]

This is a common issue but I don’t think it is right to ask someone to be non functional. 

[catfeeder]

I guess the first thing I'd recognize is that pressure is the opposite of an aphrodisiac.

So in order to avoid coming off as unsympathetically self-interested, I'd gather some articles that support my point that SSR inhibitor drugs require medical 'art' rather than being an exact science.

They commonly require verbal reporting by patients in order to experiment with doses that balance their effectiveness with a reduction of side effects.

This means that SSRI prescriptions CAN be modified to find the 'sweet spot,' and I'd present this evidence at an appropriate time, even while I assure BF that I'm backing off while he considers engaging this discussion with his provider to learn about his options.

I'd stay to my word and allow ample time for BF to consider this. If he comes down as opposed to exploring potential options, then that IS his answer.

From there, I'd decide whether a future of a sexless existence is something I'm willing to take on, or whether I'd be best off leaving and restarting my quest for a suitable partner.

[Naddie101]

@catfeeder Pressure is definitely not sexy. He does know that in order to make changes he will have to play around with his doses. He's been down this road before, but hesitant because he is feeling good now with the exception of this one, glaring side effect. I admit to feeling selfish at this point,but I also don't think k it's healthy for me to ignore this part of my life. 

[Seraphim]

52 minutes ago, Naddie101 said:

@catfeeder Pressure is definitely not sexy. He does know that in order to make changes he will have to play around with his doses. He's been down this road before, but hesitant because he is feeling good now with the exception of this one, glaring side effect. I admit to feeling selfish at this point,but I also don't think k it's healthy for me to ignore this part of my life. 

Then you need to find a different boyfriend. Asking someone to be non functional and severely depressed so you can have sex shouldn’t even be an option. You won’t be getting sex from a severely depressed person anyway. 

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to realize that this relationship is not working, and it's not going to work. 

There are too many problems and you two are miles apart in terms of your needs. You need to be honest with yourself that this is dead-end. 

[Wiseman2]

At 40, you need to take care of yourself and your own physical and mental health. 

  You don't have a license to practice medicine so immediately cease telling him what he should be doing about his medication. He is not interested in, nor ready, willing or able to be in a relationship with you.

You're getting lost in a sea of misguided DSM-talk but what lacks here is a relationship with a balanced person who wants what you want.

He's pushing you away, your relationship is unsatisfying and there's no future here.

Focus on what you need and want from a relationship, not on how defective he is and googling medical tips for him.

[DarkCh0c0]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly he doesn't want the relationship as much as you do so your attempts to fix and change him will be met with resistance.

Exactly. A partner who cares would make efforts. You wouldn't have to nag him into this.

I'd give it one last open conversation, but if nothing changes, then this is not the right relationship for you anymore. It's as if you're roommates at this point.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

. It's as if you're roommates at this point.

They don't live together and he disappears for long stretches of time to get "space". 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

They don't live together and he disappears for long stretches of time to get "space". 

Oh HELL Na!

@Naddie101 what did your therapist advise reg. Your bf?

You don't need to relate to all the emotional abuse book. The fact that he has meets some of the emotionally abusive criterion should be enough for you to run to the hills.

What's does he give so bad that you can't find it elsewhere? You must be getting something out of this toxic dynamic to stay with him.

[Naddie101]

@DarkCh0c0 @Wiseman2He doesn't "dissappear". I know where he is and it's not as if he takes off into the night to dark ends like in some kind of sex thriller film. He has social anxiety and needs space occasionally. So do I. Anyway, reflecting on my own needs is difficult. My therapist and I work on this. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Naddie101 said:

 He has social anxiety and needs space occasionally. reflecting on my own needs is difficult. My therapist and I work on this. 

Yes, stay focused on your own mental health and relationship needs.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Naddie101 said:

. He has social anxiety and needs space occasionally. So do I

Then you are both not mentally/emotionally ready to be in an adult relationship.

This isn't how adult relationships work. Relationships are smooth sailings. You're not supposed to be always "working" on something. If you're constantly working on things, then you're trying fit a square peg in a round hole. That doesn't work in the long term.

Anyways, you've got a therapist so they will help you out as you said.

[Vesna]

On 11/27/2022 at 2:12 PM, Naddie101 said:

Hi everyone. So...my current partner is back on medication after years of attempting to manage his BPD on his own. I started a thread on this issue under the relationships sub heading back in March. Now, of course, there is a NEW problem related to his meds. Our sexlife is practically nonexistant. I have discussed with him twice about this and how I feel. I asked him to talk with his doctor about it, as I know that this is a common problem. He is afraid of changing his meds and falling back into a depression. He told me that he would rather have penis problems than depression. I convinced him to talk to his doctor for me, but he is still convinced that there is nothing his doctor can do. Any advice from those who have gone through something similar would be appreciated. 

Hi, Naddie 101! While it is true that most SSRI’s due tend to lower sexual libido, in some rare instances, some of them can actually increase libido. He should really have a talk with his doctor about this. Prozac in some people, can increase sexual desire. Wellbutrin is less likely to give you low libido and sometimes, can also increase sexual libido.

Buspar, also known as Buspirone, is anti-anxiety med. that actually counters the effects of SSRI’s induced negative sexual side effects. It can also increase the strength of the orgasm and the length of the orgasm too. And for some people who had difficulty  having an orgasm before, this med. can make that possible again. 
 

Other anti-depressants that help with  SSRI induced sexual dysfunction are: Mirtazapine and Cyproheptadine.  Just wanted to add that I know that this thread is over a year old, so I don’t even know if the author is still around. I posted this because I thought maybe someone would find this information useful, if they didn’t already know about it. Thank You!