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Is my new friend a flirt or is he interested?


courtney_2001
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I've recently got closer to a guy in my course, he is married but polyamorous and openly dating/ seeing new people. 

He is an incredibly confident and sociable person, in social situations he can be flirtatious. At first I accepted that this is just how he is, but I began to feel like he is particularly flirty with me. Lots of little touches on the thigh or arms, prolonged eye contact even in group settings, and teasing, plus he always seems to end up sat next to me or across from me. I recently joined a dating app and the following day a bunch of us were going out for drinks and when I saw him he told me he had seen me on there and he commented one some of the pictures, much later on he saw me open the app and asked if I had seen him. I hadn't, but then I swiped and he popped up, I closed the app quickly and laughed but he teased me for this and asked me if I wasn't even going to look at his profile. I opened it, and we matched. But Bumble has a 24hr window for the girl to message the guy and I copped out and didn't because I didn't know what the vibe was. 

 

Fast forward to the other night, I invited him and his partner out to some drinks with a group of my friends. They don't know my friends too well but I thought it would be nice. His partner wasn't feeling well, so the guy came on his own and automatically we gravitated towards each other again, conversation flows really easily with us. I noticed that I am beginning to feel a little shy around this guy, and on this night as we spent more time together I noticed he was a lot more reserved than usual. He engaged a lot less with the group than he usually would and we ended up speaking alone a lot. He did a few little things that made me suspicious; leaning his body and head on me to look at the drinks menu, offering to share a blanket with me (we were on a terrace). But he was far less outlandishly flirty than he usually is with everyone, it was like seeing a different side to him. 

Last thing happened when this morning I woke up to a text from him, with a screenshot of my dating profile which had popped up on his feed again. We made some jokes etc about it and I joked about actually needing to message people instead of ignoring them. Out of curiosity I swiped to see if we would match again and we did. Why would he feel like matching with me a second time after it had expired the first? 

I am confused about his behaviour and what it means and whether I maybe did something to make him more nervous the other night?

Also should I message him on the app this time? I feel like I would like to get to know him in that way but I am worried I am misreading him. 

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32 minutes ago, confusedmoss said:

I've recently got closer to a guy in my course, he is married but polyamorous and openly dating/ seeing new people. I am confused about his behaviour and what it means

Unless you want to be a side dish, stay on the dating app and find men who are single and want what you want . Keep in mind many cheaters claim they are in open relationships or polyamorous. If he wants to flirt fine and you want no strings casual sex fine, otherwise his situation is nothing but headaches and heartaches for you.

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unless you want to be a side dish, stay on the dating app and find men who are single and want what you want . Keep in mind many cheaters claim they are in open relationships or polyamorous. If he wants to flirt fine and you want no strings casual sex fine, otherwise his situation is nothing but headaches and heartaches for you.

Thank you for your response! For me, I am polyamorous and looking for something casual so that side of things is relatively uncomplicated. I know his partner well and its a very open relationship where they both date and have relationships with others frequently. 

I just didn't really understand his behaviour and whether I was reading in to things too much or if I should just calm down and meet him at his level and see what happens.

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1 hour ago, courtney_2001 said:

Thank you for your response! For me, I am polyamorous and looking for something casual so that side of things is relatively uncomplicated. I know his partner well and its a very open relationship where they both date and have relationships with others frequently. 

I just didn't really understand his behaviour and whether I was reading in to things too much or if I should just calm down and meet him at his level and see what happens.

I think if you are fine with a casual arrangement then simply ask him if he wants to hang out and if you end up hooking up, cool. No need to overthink or analyze because what you want is pretty straightforward - it shouldn't matter who asks who out on a date or to hang out.  Then you will know if he is interested in dating and/or hanging out and/or hooking up/having a casual sex arrangement with you.

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Since everything looks to be above board here as far as him having the freedom to "date" this is pretty simple.

 He is into you from what you described. At first it wasn't a big deal when he was flirting so he was relaxed because there was nothing to lose but now that it is becoming real people tend to tighten up because they don't want to mess up an opportunity.

 Forget about the app and be brave.  You see him frequently so just ask him out on a date.  Make it clear you are asking him on a date though, no beating around the bush where he has to guess.

 "I think you are very handsome and interesting and would like to get to know you a lot better, would you like to get a drink and talk"    Or you can go the chicken long way around and use the app.

 Lost

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In general, when a person needs to analyze, overthink and seek outside input about interactions with a potential casual sex partner ... the "casual" part is already out the window.

Why haven't you just asked him what he's aiming for with you?  You said you're confused about what he means, yet you have not asked him what he means.  I am confused myself now.  

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13 hours ago, courtney_2001 said:

I've recently got closer to a guy in my course, he is married but polyamorous and openly dating/ seeing new people. 

 

Didnt even need to read further.

Yes, he is interested. In having an affair with you. Because "dating new people while married- in relationship" means exactly that. If that is what you are settling for, then OK.

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I agree with Jaunty that you are analyzing because part of you wants to be this cool chick who hangs out with swingers and people in "complicated" relationships and you tell yourself you simply want to date casually where dating involves sex as the focus and the immediate focus but then you also want the traditional -men are supposed to ask me out on a proper date, plus I'm kind of into this guy and perhaps we will actually click and have real feelings for each other so I will hang back and "analyze" the "signs" of a married man in what he describes as an open marriage because I want him to ask me out on a "date" and be soooo interested in me because I say I want this cool, casual "open" polyamorous thing but really I just want a man to be soooo interested in me that he is motivated to put in the effort to take me on a proper date and focus his atention on me.

So get really honest with yourself.  Don't tell yourself stories about how awesome it is to have intercourse with a hot guy who is married and has sex on the side -whether it's truly a polyamorous arrangement or simply a couple who have an agreement that it's ok to have sex outside the marriage.  Ask yourself what all this analyzing and effort is all about if the payoff is simply sex with a hot married guy?

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Hiii thank you all for your responses! This morning I texted him and asked if he wanted to go for coffee sometime this week and he said yes, and that he was happy I asked. 

So we're going to go out on Tuesday to my favorite place in Bournemouth and we'll see what happens. 

I put my overanalyzing down to not wanting to overstep my mark or upset my friendship. But taking the casual approach is far easier and has actually worked out well. 

Thanks for all the advice!

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4 hours ago, courtney_2001 said:

Hiii thank you all for your responses! This morning I texted him and asked if he wanted to go for coffee sometime this week and he said yes, and that he was happy I asked. 

So we're going to go out on Tuesday to my favorite place in Bournemouth and we'll see what happens. 

I put my overanalyzing down to not wanting to overstep my mark or upset my friendship. But taking the casual approach is far easier and has actually worked out well. 

Thanks for all the advice!

Once you get sexual with him the friendship is at great risk.  But if the fun and pleasure is worth it to you go for it! Glad he agreed to coffee with you and hopefully you'll get the easier arrangement you want if he wants to hook up with you!

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