Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

I talked to the girl downstairs again today, with an audience of friends in attendance. They seem to think she IS interested, but not sure if she's right for me. She seems like she's a bit wild, but I guess you don't know till you find out. I'm going to ask her out tomorrow. Maybe out to a cheap dinner, or movie at my place. Hope she says yes. At the very least I'll make sure she gets my number.

 

My job is to watch the news. It's what I do. All this hurricane coverage is hard to handle. You could turn the tv off, but I MUST watch for ten hours a day. I average about 9 hours of news being actually watched. That's five days a week. It takes it's toll quickly in times such as these. Things are actually getting worse now for survivors. It's hard to not be upset about all of this. I'm having odd dreams and a hard time sleeping, and I think this may be why. Nothing compared to what they're going through, I know. I continue to send hopes and prayers down south, and I ask you all to do the same.

[SexySadie7]

I'm having strange dreams too from the hurricane.. I dreamt last night that i was boarding a plane with a bunch of strangers.. I knew i wouldn't have water where I was destined to...so i was thinking about taking and washing my hair in the sink of the plane we were about to board.. even so.. the plane had no electricity and i was looking for a glass with which to rinse my hair with!

Do you work for a news station riomncloud... when are you going to be filming your movie anyway?

I'd still like to do the dead body or zombie.. : )

[rionmccloud]

I can't disclose details about my job, not Covert Ops but a non-diusclosure agreement is involved. I just watch a lot of news. 'Nuff said on that.

 

I hope to film this weekend with a leading lady, but I guess time will tell. It's an ongoing process. I hope it rains, because it will make for amazing visuals. With gas prices jumping so much I can't ask people to drive to a location, though. May not happen this weekend. But I still have some designing for the opening, so I'll keep busy.

 

My ex is giving a shpiel about me putting things before our son lately. I'm not, but I am making sure to have time for myself too. She needs to think about how many weekends she has her mother care for me overnight before she says anything like that to me. She complains about my money situation. She's the one taking a week and a half off work without pay. I'm the one with nobody that could help if I needed it and working my butt off. This week I'll have at least 10 hours of overtime, and I'll likely work the holiday too. I may even come in tomorrow, my day off. I'm sorry for my money problems that cause me not to have my share of daycare, but at the same time I have to pay for my apartment, car, school, electricity, etc... My belt is being tightened, and I don't know how much tighter it can get.

 

I've always done what I had to do to take care of my family. Nothing has changed except her perception. Things were easier when it was OUR money, now all she has is her own and she's finding it as hard as I am. but not for long, since her new BF will be moving in soon. There goes half the bills. I have no such luxury.

 

I'm getting tired of sleeping alone. I don't mind it, but it sure would be nice to have someone to hold and wake next to. That's one thing I miss. I would lay awake before sleeping and feel so good just lying there, holding her in my arms. Or laying there, our hands clasped while our son lay between us. Laying on the couch, my son on my stomach asleep, just listening to him breath.

 

But, alas, that is all in the past. I just get a little wistful sometimes, I guess. I am fairly hapy with my life, but the pressure from work and bills and not getting enough sleep is building. On top of that I have to deal with ex's crap too. Makes it hard sometimes. Luckily I'm beyond being suicidal or cutting at this point. Three months ago.... I'd rather not think what I would have done three months ago.

 

'Nuff said.

[rionmccloud]

Well, it has been an interesting day or so since my last post. The girl in another office was working yesterday. The day before she told me this and asked that I "Rescue her" from it for a little bit. So I decided a plan of action. I would go up there, and if she wanted to hang out after she was done then I'd go, but if not I'd stay and work myself. I ended up staying and working myself, but I did get her number and she got mine. Productive nonetheless. I said to call me today if she wasn't busy. She called. As of right now, though, I have not heard back from her. She likely will not call me again tonight, which is fine. I really don't care much either way. Well, I do, but you know what I'm saying.

 

I worked ten hours last night. I was shocked I stayed that long. Tonight I will likely be alone again, but I have plenty of work to do with that film project. I have a teaser trailer finished, so when it's uploaded I'll post a link. I'm pretty happy with it. After that I will start really working on the actual content of the project. You'll get to hear me in the trailer, and then see me in the first episode. How exciting!

 

Anyhow, I just thought I'd update everyone on the situation with the newest girl. She's sweet and cute, and I do enjoy talking to her. What more can I ask for right now?

 

My friend started working with me and insulted me a little bit. He saw both of these girls and said "Wow! They're.. Hot." I'm thinking, what? I can't pick up cute girls? Am I that ugly? I know he wasn't meaning it that way, but I like messing with him.

[rionmccloud]

Well, I have the teaser posted now.

link removed

 

Let me know what you think. That is my voice, by the way. I don't know what the symbol is, but I saw it on a coffin on the news. I jotted it down and have come to really like it. Thanks guys.

[rionmccloud]

Well, it's Sunday. She never called. I'm not surprised. I'm supposed to be off work today, but I'm here anyway. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be anywhere else. CE is at work too. We talked today. We haven't really talked in a while. Not that there's a real reason too, I suppose. I don't know if she lost interest or not. Maybe I lost interest, not in her, but in the idea of trying to date one woman at a time. Not that I'm doing well with any other women. I felt like she lost interest due to the fact things started coming up, but then again she did come out with me twice. I'm on the ocean and I've lost my engines. I think the hull may be taking on water too. For about two days I thought I knew what I was doing. Apparently I do not anymore than anybody.

 

The other girl is too young for me anyways. She's nice and cute, but she's not for me. I guess I was just fooling myself to think she was. It doesn't seem like anybody is right now. I know, love creeps up on you like a mugger, knocking you head over heels, and in the end your wallet's empty.

 

I just get lonely and hopeful sometimes, is that so wrong? Mostly I'm okay, but this week has been hell for me. I've been working so much, and my ex still accuses me of not caring about my son because I didn't see him as much. The fact is, she was on vacation this week and picked him up. I took the chance to catch up on sleep. If she hadn't been off work I would have been picking him up. I couldn't pay my portion of daycare last or this month, not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't. She seems to think that means I don't care about my son. The car is why. I have to have a vehicle, and that needs to be taken care of first. She doesn't seem to care if I can't afford anything in my life, yet when she can't she complains all day long and it seems that's okay.

 

I have been in transition for several months now, and noone seems to understand it. I may seem fine on the surface, but underneath is where the waters turn tumultuous. Nobody that's not been in this situation can understand, or even wants to try to. They seem to think it's an easy thing to recover from. My ex once said "It'd hurt, but I'd move on because I couldn't love someone who didn't love me." To which I responded"You better pray you never have to find out."

 

But I'm just bi**hing again, because I'm lonely today and don't want to be at work.

[rionmccloud]

You know, sometimes you just want so bad to kick the living daylights out of someone. Today is one of those days. I'll admit in the last few weeks I've been less of a dad than I should be. I haven't seen my son in a few days because the ex would call to say she's going to pick him up. It's because I think they need more time together partially, partially because I could use a little more sleep. I work long hours, and sometimes an extra hour is a godsend. But does that make it okay to call me and be pissed off? When I just woke up and I can't find my wallet is that any reason to hold my son away from me? Does that make it okay to say things because you know they'll get to me? No. There is no excuse.

 

She's using him against me. I don't know when she turned so evil, but that doesn't make it okay. And then to not understand why I'm angry to the point of coming over there and beating the crap out of you and your new bf? What the hell?! I've got a lot of stuff I have to deal with in my life and she acts like that's no excuse. I'm under a lot of stress lately because of the new car. I have to slave away at my job working an ungodly amount of overtime just to barely make it this month. Does that matter? No!

 

She's obviously upset about other things going on in her life which is okay. But it's not okay to take that stuff out on me. I do the best I can, and it's never good enough. She's nice and pleasant to everybody but me. That's not okay. I woke up today feeling good. I got plenty of sleep was going to take my son to the park. It's a great day outside. And now I don't even care. Now I just want to go to work where my mind can be numbed by the monotony of it all just so I don't have to bother with feeling upset. I told a friend last night that I'm getting numb again. I was emotionally numb for most of my life, and I never want to be that again. It's stuff like this that makes me wish I was. I never used to hurt, but I never used to feel either. That was the trade off.

 

I just don't any more stress than I already have. Nobody seems to care about that though. Everybody thinks that things are easy for me, but they're all wrong. I make a good act of it most of the time, but I'm probably just as messed up as ever because of stress. It kills me that nobody cares to look and listen to what I have to say about things. Nobody gives a crap if I feel'm having a bad day. Everybody thinks I should be fine by now, but I'm not! WEhy aren't I fine! Wy can she still get to me like this! Why can't I just be fine!

 

I was doing well. I made so much progress, and now it's like one big step backwards. Today is a bad day, and going to work tonight will not help one bit.

 

Why can't people realise that despite the front I put up I'm really fragile? The ex has known me for a long time, and knows the better than most. Why can't she see that I just need a hug some days? Why can't she see that I just need someone to say "I Understand how hard it is for you sometimes"? Why can't she see that I can't deal with her being mean to me? Why can't she just see I'm doing the best that I can?

 

I feel so alone for so much of my days. I have friends but it's not the same. I want to come home and have somebody there to say "It's okay. It'll get better. You'll be fine and things will work out in the end." I know these things but having somebody else that cares enough to say it and maybe give you a hug would make it sink in.

 

I just feel so alone, and I hate it.

[rionmccloud]

I honestly just don't know what to do most of the time. My new llife is very hard to deal with sometimes, and she's not making it any easier for me. Despite all this I do still love her, and that's why it hurts so much when she says the things she does sometimes. She doesn't understand me, and never truly has. Hell, I guess I don't even understand myself most of the time. She thinks she has it so hard, but she should walk a mile in my shoes.

 

I look at her life and I don't see much difficulty. She has the house. She doesn't have a car payment. She has a better job. She has a support system of family and friends. She has someone she loves and who she feels loves her. She has our son all the time. Given, she has to deal with me, but I'm not that bad most of the time.

[rionmccloud]

I wonder. The girl downstairs from my office may be here tonight. Should I snub her as I was snubbed on Saturday? No, I think not. Why be rude, eh? Not in my nature to be vengeful, mostly. I'll be pleasant as ever, but refrain from any advances. If she wants more she can work for it. I'm through busting my hump for no reason.

 

I have also noticed an upswing in advances from women online. It's kind of nice, but at the same time a whole other creature all together. I still don't really know how I feel about that aspect of dating.

 

I took my son to the park today. It was a good day.

 

After that I went to work. It will end badly. I need more sleep. My friend told me I look very tired. I was appreciative but a little insulted as well. Oh well, it's the truth, despite just waking up a few hours before. Never enough hours in the day, and my work hours seem to get longer and longer. Oh well. It's a living, right?

[rionmccloud]

Well, she called me. I went down to smoke and didn't see her, so instead of waiting I came back up to work. A few minutes ago she called me. She asked if I was hiding from her. Partly, maybe yes, but I didn't tell her that. We chatted briefly since I had to work, but she asked me to call her later until she realised I work until 5:30 AM.

 

I am shocked at this. Could there be something to not being available? Or was she just bored at work? In the ends does it mater? I know if something were to develop it wouldn't last, I just feel it. So should I even bother at this point? I like her, she's nice, sweet, and quite cute, but at this stage in my life I don't know if I want something that doesn't have long-term potential. Then again, I am always saying how I just want to have fun with someone of the opposite sex. What do you guys think?

[rionmccloud]

I think maybe it's time to retire this, and I mean it this time. Mostly it's not about recovering from an ex anymore. Now it's more about the trials and tribulations of trying to date again. I get very off topic at times, and don't have anything to say for sometimes days at a time. I have become addicted to posting here, I realize.

 

Not to say I'll stop posting, but, if I do continue, it will likely be in a new thread under dating. I am no longer actively pursuing my ex or pining for her. I will get sad sometimes, but not to the extent I was, so I think my time here really is done.

 

You've all been a great help to me throughout all of this. My thanks especially to Ediefy, Shidoshi, and Brando. You've all made points that can't be denied, and shared some of your own experience. I am forever grateful. You may hear from me again soon in Dating. Only time will tell.

 

Adieu, Diary of an Ex-Boyfriend. I hope you've served others as well as you've served me.

[Zerohero]

Glad to see you moving on to better things man. I wish the best.

[ediefy]

Look, you don't know what will happen with this woman if you start dating her. If you go into it saying "it'll never work out," well, that's what will happen, for sure. Why not stay in the moment for the time being, and enjoy her company for what it is, and stop thinking about what comes next? It's just possible that it's worth having this relationship (whatever sort it turns out to be) just to get more experience in general, and to find a little joy with someone of the female persuasion. That doesn't mean you have to fall in love, but it does mean that you might try to keep an open mind--the universe might be trying to get you to live a little more outside of the box you've created in your mind.

 

Just stop predicting that things won't work. That's the surest way to insure that they won't. Go into everything as open as you can be, so you can learn all that you can. You can't possibly know where anything will lead, since you don't hold all of the cards...

[perseverance_rules]

ediefy, thats the perfect advice you can give anyone. I know all too well how it is to only date someone you think will be your lifelong partner. you can live in the moment of a friendship with a female, and what happens happens....like you said you dont have to fall in love, but the feelings can be there...and if nothing else, friends for a lifetime. just stay positive and live your life, and dont wait around for things to get better, otherwise youll look up and see five years of your life pass by and you never experienced anything but loneliness.....

[rionmccloud]

Heh. Maybe this thread will never die, eh?

 

Thanks Ediefy and Perseverance. I know what you're saying, and I don't think that's what I'm doing. I think there are many factors that work against things working out, but, as you both suggest, I am hanging out and seeing where things lead. Life has a way of sneaking up on you with moments of great importance.

 

Right now I'm just enjoying the company. If more comes along then it does, but if it doesn't, that's fine too. Right now I enjoy talking with her, and gazing into her cuteness. That's enough for now. The rest will work itself out.

 

Thanks again guys.

[ediefy]

rion, this thread won't die because in addition to talking to you, we're also talking to ourselves. we all feel or have felt what you're feeling as you go through this process. it's sort of like the thing that happens when you show someone else how to do something---you suddenly realize how much you actually know. in this case, it's through the repetition of these things we really do know on some level (but can't quite get entirely emotionally) that helps heal each and everyone of us involved in this conversation. it certainly has helped me to have a place to go and people to help and get support from on my own journey back from a broken heart.

 

(tonight I'm watching football by myself for the first time in 2 years. hard to not be watching with you-know-who, but i'm managing.)

[perseverance_rules]

rion, Ive been reading this thread from the beginning. When you started this post, I was just coming out of a LTR from a cheating woman. She lived with me for two years and found out from her best friend of 20 years she cheated. My ex's EX best friend is now one of mine...weird how that happens, and sometimes I feel like I shouldnt be her friend and tell her things Ive been doing now, because usually when a relationship ends you never speak to your exs friends anymore let alone go out on dates with them.

 

When I heard you were ending this thread, or had thoughts of it, I was like wow, there it goes, my lifeline of healing is leaving and Ill have to fing other means.

 

I truly enjoy reading your thoughts...because basically no one commented on my post from a few months ago too much and I found your post helped me more.

 

Heres that post if you care to read some of it. Its awesome how far Ive come thus far...and rion, dont end this, it helps so much of us,...and in that you should be greatful pal.

 

link removed

 

I do want to highlight ediefys post on mine,..thanks hun.

[rionmccloud]

Wow. I'm really touched by these comments. I guess, when I post I feel like I'm really just venting my own feelings. Not looking for advice mostly, and certainly not looking to be somebody's lifeline. I guess I wasn't expecting it to make such a difference in the lives of others, but hoped it could help a little. I am glad I could help you both in your own lives.

 

I'll try to stay on topic in this from now on. I strayed for a while there, and that was th emain motivation for ending. I wasn't really talking about relationships anymore. I didn't think it was fair to steal the space from others with more urgent needs.

 

Then to get things rolling again...

 

I spoke with the girl downstairs. We'll call her Amy, because that's her name. I honestly don't know why I never used names before. She seemed a little sad. It wasn't real obvious, but I could tell because I look in her eyes, not below the neck. Her eyes seemed a little glazed and moist beyond normal. Also, her mascara was a little smeared below her eyes, as if she tried wiping away tears and fixing runny marks. This girl has drama in her life right now. I talked to her and did what I could. I know she's into me. It's been pretty obvious lately. She'll say things and then add, "But You wouldn't do that, would you?" when talking about things that bother her and such. She talked about going to a concert, but not with a particular person because they're boring. Then she looked at me, and I could tell in her mind she was thinking "Ask me, please."

 

I almost feel bad for not asking, but the more I talk to her I honestly think it could be selfdestructive. She's still young, she's relatively fresh out of a bad breakup, and she seems immature at times. Then I look into her eyes, a lovely blue, and see the freckles accross the bridge of her nose, and I'm smitten. I haven't asked her yet, though. I just worry about being hurt again, and I don't feel like it would last long. I also don't want to hurt her either. I've only broken up with one person in my life as the dumpee. It was after two weeks of dating, and we never even kissed. I felt so low and worthless. I don't want to feel like that again, and I certainly don't to make anyone feel like I did.

 

Life is complicated, I have accepted that fact. But sometimes i wonder why things are so complicated. It would be easier to not care about the feelings of others, but I simply cannot do that. I'm no monster, despite what my ex would tell you.

 

I find myself really wondering if I'm pursuing people because I'm lonely, horny, or really care. Is life giving me a sign here? Is she the reason my last relationship didn't last? Are we destined to be together? Am I meant to be hurt again? Am I a creepy older guy preying on a younger girl who is vulnerable? I don't really think the latter is true, but I do wonder.

 

Doors are opened and closed with every decision, or lack thereof, we make. But where do those doors lead to? Are we walking the path we're destined to walk, or stumbling in the dark and grasping at anything we can hold on to? Am I being a little too dramatic about all of this? Yes, I think I am. But it sounds good on paper.

 

'Nuff said (for now)

[rionmccloud]

My horoscope reads:

 

The stars can't gurantee complete happiness, but they sure are making it easy to achieve, if you're willing to put in the effort.

 

Hmm. After my last post, it makes me wonder.....

[rionmccloud]

I received a text message from my friend Danny last night. I didn't get it until this morning it reads: Caroline asked about you.

 

Danny works with me now, and on the same shift. I have known Danny for several years, and include among my closest friends. Besides, I'm hoping I can somehow suck away some of his mojo for my own use. He's my wingman. He joins me at times when talking to Amy and tells me what he thinks. He goes to bars with me to prod me into action with women. He's there when I need someone to listen. He is the best friend a guy can ask for.

 

Caroline would be the girl I work with. I've mentioned her as CE in the past. I wonder what she asked. Probably wondering why I wasn't at work. It was my off day, but I've been working so much lately people actually think I never come home. Beyond that, I couldn't even begin to wonder. I'd hate to get my hopes by thinking she was asking because she was wondering why I haven't asked her out in a while. If she was concerned for my safety or health she has my number. Why couldn't she just call me? Oh well, I'll find out later when I interrogate Danny about it. And I mean the whole nine yards. Little room, steel table, and a lightbulb. Maybe even the mirror if I can manage it. When I do something I do it right dammit!

 

I'm filming tonight, I hope. I have it planned, the scene's blocked out in my head, and the dialog is ready to go. I just need zombies and a damsel in distress. I feel I'll never find the damsel. Zombies are a dime a dozen, but damsels are another story completely.

 

I dreamt about Amy last night. I can't remember what it was, but I remember she was there. Probably nothing, just my mind feeding my subconscious data to construct a dream with.

 

My son stayed the night last night, and it was good. Well, mostly good. We wet to bed at about 9 and he woke up about 3AM. Not the longest bout of sleep, but I'm okay for now. Plus I can always nap. We went to breakfast this morning and he was very good. A little mischevious, but not in a bad way. Just curious about the world around him. I like that in children. I can only imagine what it's like to have everything be new. We know and experience so much as we get older it's easy to "Same old same old". Easy to be jaded. But children! They see everything and they wonder. They ask questions. They explore their world with... well.. the Eyes of a child. I don't baby talk my son, and I don't dumb things down. Kinky Friedman was heard to say on Tim Russert that his father said to treat children like adults and adult like children. I believe in this philosophy, and it generally works in practice. Then again, he also said there's a fine line between reality and fiction and he probably snorted in 1976, but hey, take em where you find em right?

 

I was reading back through all of this again. I've tried to end about three times! But it keeps going, and that's fine. Perseverance Rules and Ediefy, I must thank you for your vigilence. You both have been posting for a very long time in this, and are the few that continue to do so. In honor of you two I make a toast: To friends, love, and enotalone.com.

Raise your glasses later.

 

I think that's all for now. I may post again later.

[rionmccloud]

So I'm watching Must Love Dogs, sorry I'm a sucker for ramantic comedies, and I had a revelation. All this time I'm trying to figure out what happened to my relationship, and it was spelled out to me from a movie. The main female character says "He just stopped loving, and there's nothing I could have done." That hit me hard, because that's the truth of it. It's nothing I've done or didn't do. She just stopped loving me. So I cried again. I haven't cried in a long time. Hell I'm almost crying now as I write this. I think all along I've known that that's the case, but never admitted to it. I guess I always want to think that all I have to do is change something about myself and it'll work. I never wanted to lose hope.

 

It probably doesn't help that I'm drunk, but it probably wouldn't have made a difference in the end. I'm sure I still would have cried. It's really over. I think I just never let it sink in. Even with all the talk of dating other people and all the pleas for advice I never really admitted to myself that it's over.

 

It's over.

 

'Nuff said.

[rionmccloud]

Is it too much to want! I want to scream out "I just want to be loved!" in the vain hopes that someone else is doing the same, and will hear my call and show up at my door, and be everything I could possibly need and want in a woman. It's that damned movie. I see it and say "That's what I want." I want to meet somebody and fall head over heels in love again, and have them do the same for me.

 

I see movies like Must Love Dogs and think that I'm just like John Cusack. I'm the dorky heartbroken guy who can make somebody feel more love than they ever knew possible. I would give anything for the person I love. I just want one person out of the billions in the world. Is that so hard? Is it too much to ask? Apparently so.

 

I sit here at my computer, alone again, and wonder why. What have I done? Or, better yet, what did I neglect to do? I believe in soulmates. I see people that are very happy with their significant other, and I know that it's true. You'd think that through cosmic forces of unknown origin you'd be pulled together. Isn't that what we all really believe. Love can conquer all. Love makes the world go round. Yada yada yada. It's the same shpiel over and over.

 

I just want one person out of billions. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to wake up next top somebody and smile because I'm so happy they're there.

 

And yet, still I'm drunk.

 

'Nuff said

[ediefy]

I have been thinking a lot about the ex these days--and am wondering if what I really miss the most is the sense of being a part of something larger than myself. He has lived in this town for 20 years, and has a large network of friends. He has 3 kids, his ex-wife lives in town, too, and everyone in town knows who he is (he's an MD, and many of the people who live here are his patients). I liked his friends--they were the kind of people I really gravitate towards. Smart, quick, funny, intellectual but hip, creative, verbal, great company. I loved his kids, especially his youngest son, who's now in high school. I liked picking him up at football practice after school, helping him with his homework, nagging him to put his dishes in the dishwasher. I was even getting to like the ex-wife (for whom I now have far more sympathy, I must say). There was a ready-made community there and I fit right in with everyone, I guess, except him, ultimately.

 

It's been so hard to let that go. I'm not good at building community myself, although I'm plenty social when it's called for.

 

The new guy is great but has no family to speak of, and his friends, although they are all very nice, are not as quick and fun intellectually, are generally not very artistic or creative, and are all about 10 years younger than me (he's younger than me), so our life experiences are kind of different. It makes me feel kind of lonely at times, and makes me miss the friends I was making through the ex. But those people are _his_ friends (and patients) and it's way too awkward for them to be friends with me, and way too painful for me to see them without him around.

 

So, I have to let it go, even though I know that whole group of people is just 5 minutes from here, still enjoying each other's company without me being part of it. It's like I was just erased from the group photo, somehow. Their lives have been very little changed by my absense, while my life has been turned upside down by their absense in it. Hard to fathom, harder to just accept and let go of sometimes. I'm trying, every single day, to appreciate all that I do have in my life, but some days are harder than others.

 

It helps to be able to share this with you, rion, and perseverence_rules. It really does. So I hope you'll both stay tuned, and keep this going. I've

come to look to you both as fellow travelers on the road to wherever it is we're all headed, and I'd miss having this conversation with you if it were to end.

[perseverance_rules]

Last night I went to a concert with my new friend Retta. She has been there for a few months...Like I said, were friends first, and she knows I dont want much past what we have now....anyhow, the concert I went to I had taken to exgf to two years in a row......This year it just wasnt the same,....half the time there I thought about the ex and just thought of how much more fun it would have been with her there with me again...

 

I hated thinking that way. She kept asking me if I was ok...of course I was, just thinking of the ex being here, wel that wouldnt have been the thing to say....so i just said I was tired. best thing to say at the moment, especially if your eyes water from the sadness for a bit...

 

MY ex saw her friend Melissa for the first time in three months yesterday, I still dont know how that went, im sure shell call me and tell me how it went since they havent spoke since she told on her.....

 

The ex will be shortly leaving the job soon and I wil definitely miss that...it will then come to me that it truly is over once I dont see her at all....and I hate that because of what she did to me I shouldnt be missing her like I do...but I loved her more than I have loved anything before, so its hard no matter what... Take care guys, sometimes I get rather emotional, maybe thats why me and melissa get along so great, if it werent for our situation, i bet wed be married right now...were that close to one another, but weve both said it just wouldnt be right for us to hook up...not sure how long that will last....i guess time will tell that too...

[ediefy]

perseverance--sorry to hear that the concert was hard. i am having the same thing with the current NFL season, if you can believe it. used to watch all of the games with the ex and his best friend, and we had a blast. found myself wondering the other night if he missed watching the game with me (we're both Patriots fans). i sure missed watching the game with the two of them.

 

it sounds to me like you're doing alright, really. i can't imagine what it would be like to have my ex anywhere that i would be running into him during the day. both you and rion have it much harder in that respect than i do, since he's got his son with his ex, and you have been working with yours. i don't know how you guys do it.

 

And yet maybe it's better in the long run that you have learned how to be near your exes without totally freaking out--as it is, i don't even go into the main part of the town i live in because i don't want to run into the ex. that gives him an immense amount of power over a part of my life, even though he's no longer in my life. and it also makes it all very nice and easy for him, too, since he doesn't ever have to worry about running into me. i'm thinking that it's time for me to stop being so wary of the whole damned town and just start treating it like i live here, since i do. (but i sure want to look spectacular if i ever do run into him there.)

 

hang in there. melissa sounds like a great friend, and someone to hang onto. if it seems like its the right thing for the two of you--just in terms of your relationship--to hook up, i say go for it. what's past is past, and you can't change that. but if she's the person you think might be most significant to you in that way going forward, don't let too much stand in your way, huh? listen to what your gut tells you most consistently. and try to keep some faith that soon you'll feel better and things won't be so sad when you do things you used to do with your ex. that's the thought i'm holding onto as i go through this whole first year (his birthday is next weekend, and i'm ignoring it completely, or nearly so).

 

my best to you--