Health Concerns in Relationship

[John-VT]

Let me preface my post: By NO MEANS am I fat shaming, I am just looking for advice on how to approach my concerns tactfully. 
 

My girlfriend and I moved in together a few months ago. We are both around 40. I would say, since before we moved in, her weight has been going up.  To the point I would guesstimate that in probably the last 3-4 months, it has gone up by 30-40 lbs, which to me is an unhealthy speed of weight gain.  
 

I’ve tried cooking healthier meals and once done, she’ll go and snack on a bunch of chips or whatever afterwards. We go out to a restaurant, it seems like she is seeking out the most unhealthy food that she can (usually a fried meal with fried sides). She also orders out for breakfast and lunch nearly every day. Has to order the most sugar filled drink at Starbucks and a pastry every morning, even after already having breakfast (either at home or by going out). 
 

Several close friends of mine (couples) are interested in doing a ‘biggest loser’ competition based on percentage of weight loss and they asked us if we would care to join in and my girlfriend immediately said, “I have no interest.” (Their idea, not mine)  

I’ve been trying to peel back her emotional layers to see if she is having something going on, like depression, but she continuously tells me she is fine.
 

I’m extremely concerned because her gains are (IMO) unhealthy. She is ‘stretching’ out my XL sweatshirts now. She is heavy on her feet when walking around our townhouse, her snoring was non-existent and now it is so loud that it wakes me up throughout the night and can be easily heard throughout the home, even from a different floor. I wear a CPAP and I’ve talked with her about her snoring and suggested that she look into it, she said no.  
 

A week or two ago she said to me, “Why don’t you ever pick me up and carry me upstairs to bed?”  I deflected it the best that I could, but in my head, I was thinking that it would very likely hurt me to try as now I would guess she is well into the 200+ lbs range. 
 

My mom asked me yesterday if there was something going on with her because she is also growing concerned after the last time they saw each other  

My physical attraction towards her is diminishing. I want to help her. I just don’t know what the best course of action is to do so, without sounding scummy or heartless. 
 

Please help! 

[Kwothe28]

Around 18kg in 3-4 months is certanly not healthy. You should be able to talk about stuff like that with her and express your concerns without worrying that she would blow it over. I mean its women and weight so she probably would, but you still need to express your concerns to her.

My guess is that she is becoming complacent. As you are already living together so there is no need for her to watch her weight anymore. There could be number of other stuff like "stress eating" and such too. But all of that should be adressed in your talk with her. She cant read your mind and you need to tell her that.

Dont fall for "You should love me even if I am a 100kg worm" stuff. If its a problem for you, that needs to be expressed with her.

Also, sorry, but you really need to be more assertive there. She is the same person that dropped another dog on you on a whim without even asking you. You need way better communication if you dont want stuff like that to happen all the time.

[John-VT]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

She is the same person that dropped another dog on you on a whim without even asking you.

Different women believe it or not. She is back living with her mom and adopted another 2 dogs from what I’ve heard. (4 total). Luckily, that’s not my problem anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, NH-Lover said:

 my girlfriend immediately said, “I have no interest.” 

 I’ve talked with her about her snoring and suggested that she look into it, she said no.  

Sorry this is happening. You can't help her because she doesn't want help. 

How long have you been dating? Moving her in seems quite rushed and a bad idea.

All you can do is tell her it's not working out. You can't really control her eating or weight or health if she chooses to ignore it.

You're building up resentment and that's not going to work for either of you.

[John-VT]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You can't help her because she doesn't want help. 

How long have you been dating? Moving her in seems quite rushed and a bad idea.

All you can do is tell her it's not working out. You can't really control her eating or weight or health if she chooses to ignore it.

You're building up resentment and that's not going to work for either of you.

We met shortly after the breakup with the crazy dog lady. Since March. 
 

It’s certainly hard to help, like you said, if she chooses to ignore it. Yesterday, I was excited to announce to her that I reached a new fitness milestone at the gym and she deflected my excitement. It’s clearly bothering her. 
 

I am usually very blunt and concise with what I say, but the weight thing is always taboo with women and just want to address it tactfully. If I go at her in my military/direct way of talking, it’ll likely be unproductive. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, NH-Lover said:

We met shortly after the breakup with the crazy dog lady. Since March. 

This is way too much too soon. More like you jumped into a rebound and moved her in too fast without really knowing her that well. It's 8 mos and already you're living together, there's huge issues and lack of attraction.

All you can do is tell her it's not working out.

She is not a project. She doesn't want to take care of her health and the weight gain bothers you (not her, or she would do something).

It's your place and your dismay and the solution is not to fix her, it's to admit the mistakes and set each other free.

Give her adequate legal notice and simply say it's not working out.  Be diplomatic and just let her go and be herself.

You've talked to her already about the weight loss challenge and snoring so talking at her even more probably won't help.

Eventually resentment is going to build up even more if she thinks you're nagging her about her weight and you're rapidly losing attraction.

[DarkCh0c0]

May I ask why did you guys move in too quickly with each other?

Other than that, communication. Communicate with her your concerns about her health and watch her reaction. She might or not be dealing with something internally. If she chooses not to get help after a while, then like @Kwothe28 mentioned, she probably stopped putting efforts in the relationship because you let her move in so quickly and she's in some way taking you for granted. At some point, if nothing changes, you'll have a call to make as this is a long term incompatibility. But for now, have that talk and who knows what she'll say. Keep us posted!

[Kwothe28]

39 minutes ago, NH-Lover said:

Different women believe it or not. She is back living with her mom and adopted another 2 dogs from what I’ve heard. (4 total). Luckily, that’s not my problem anymore. 

xD

I thought its the same since the timeline matches and you said you are about to live together

31 minutes ago, NH-Lover said:

Yesterday, I was excited to announce to her that I reached a new fitness milestone at the gym and she deflected my excitement. It’s clearly bothering her. 

Have you thought that you are not compatible? If one of you is a gym rat and other doesnt watch the weight, your fitness goals are kinda not there. I have a friend that moved in with his girlfriend. She finished Uni so she mostly just sat at home and liked to eat sweets like chocolate on a daily basis. So her weigh did go up. Its a little better now since she found a job(which is kinda strange since she works in a bakery but its very physically demanding job so she loses lots of calories doing it) but he also doesnt have an issue with her as he also doesnt watches his weight and eats what he wants(his job is also very physical so he doesnt gain that much weight anyway). But if one of you is a "fitness freak" and other just doesnt care, its likely that you dont match in that way.

Also would ask why you decided to move in with new girl? I understand with old one as it was something preplanned, but with new one you just met and continue a plan you had with other girl. So no wonder you are discovering stuff like this "in the run".

Also, also, "Biggest Loser" competiton is kinda hurtful for her feelings and over the top. Not very thoughtful from your friends.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NH-Lover said:

A week or two ago she said to me, “Why don’t you ever pick me up and carry me upstairs to bed?”  I deflected it the best that I could, she is well into the 200+ lbs range. 

Wanted to add that leading her on isn't a good idea. Apparently she thinks you two are ok together. But in your mind you're thinking "ugh".

[jul-els]

When she asked you to carry her upstairs, that was an opening to initiate a conversation with her about it. For some reason you’re afraid to talk to her about it. You simply need to honestly and respectfully voice your concerns to her. Do so with compassion, understanding and openness to learn about what her mindset is about her health. It’s not something for you to be afraid of. Show your level of care by communicating with her about what your concerns are and why. 

[Batya33]

I really do appreciate how thoughtfully you are approaching this.  The only time I gained that much weight in my life over a period of months was when I was preggers.  Other than that it's been at most 3-4 pounds over a period of several months (which I then lose) or sometimes -you should check this -a new medication can do that -a bad birth control pill I took for 6 months in my early 20s -I gained close to 10 pounds fast.  Is it possible she's on meds? Has she had her thyroid checked? (But honestly from what you say it sounds like the food).

It is an alarming amount to gain and you are right -she is in her own body so you don't have to tell her how much she gained.  

The starbucks stuff if done regularly is so awful overall -for your wallet plus blood sugar levels -those coffee drinks are desserts not coffee (I absolutely love starbucks- but I order plain coffee and add a little milk and in the past I would do a nonfat latte maybe once a month or less but stopped that years ago). Those pastries are 4-500 calories which often is not much less than a full meal for me.  Also food is mood so if she is consuming that at once there's the inevitable crash. 

Yes I eat junk food and desserts in moderation, and yes I get takeout sandwiches from Starbucks but the low fat/high protein options.  (I say this for context because often input on food/diet is coming from a person who is extremely strict/extreme in  the never sugar or keto or intermittent fasting, etc -I am not and I am slim/thin).

A lot of what she is doing is simply bad habits -but she has to want to break them.  I'd stop doing the healthy meals -I mean for yourself sure and if she is interested in partaking make some for her but be casual about it- you're not her mom.  I am a mom and I model decent eating habits in front of my child and I offer healthful foods and encourage good eating habits like fresh fruit daily, veggies of some kind, whole grains, lots of plain water, very little soda and very little juice. But she is not your child.

As for my husband -he loves steamed veggies like broccoli so I have those available and I buy lean protein, salad type veggies, and prepare omelets with cooking spray, etc.  He eats fresh and dried fruit daily.  He has some bad junk food habits.  I almost never say a thing.  Once in a blue moon if it is affecting my son's choices.  I just do my own thing.  Do your own thing.  And I don't blame you for feeling less attracted because she is treating herself very poorly and she knows it and that also affects attraction.

If you like junk food then eat it but if possible not in front of her so much and maybe not in the house as much? Can you decrease going out to restaurants?

I would express your concerns about her health - make it I statements -and then leave it be.  If you choose to leave her I respect that but I wouldn't impose your own opinions on what she puts in her body.  I'm sorry you're in this situation and I'm sorry she's struggling.

[Andrina]

Why live a life of bitterness every time she eats a bag of chips and staying with a partner you are no longer attracted to--especially after a mere 8 month investment?

Besides that, buying fast food twice a day is expensive, and takes a chunk off of a shared household income. You should really look at how a person handles money before deciding if they meet your needs as a lifetime partner.

Even if she improved now if she got scared of losing you, when the relationship gets comfy again, or you run into periods of being less enamored with one another, she might revert to the overeating.

It's a lot harder to break up with someone living with you than otherwise, so you have a tough row to hoe.

If you decide on a discussion, hoping for improvement, you will have to be frank and address everything you've written here--no sugarcoating. Nobody can argue with how you feel.

 

[Batya33]

What’s even more expensive is when it starts to affect her health and the rollercoaster of doctors visits and transport back and forth and missed work if there’s no commitment to dietary changes (unless there’s a meds or thyroid or mental health issue ). I agree it’s just 8 months. I think many healthy people overspend too in food if they insist on trendy health foods or a very specific diet that requires hard to find ingredients and or results in extra food waste or prepared natural foods.  So it depends. 

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, NH-Lover said:

Let me preface my post: By NO MEANS am I fat shaming, I am just looking for advice on how to approach my concerns tactfully. 
 

My girlfriend and I moved in together a few months ago. We are both around 40. I would say, since before we moved in, her weight has been going up.  To the point I would guesstimate that in probably the last 3-4 months, it has gone up by 30-40 lbs, which to me is an unhealthy speed of weight gain.  
 

I’ve tried cooking healthier meals and once done, she’ll go and snack on a bunch of chips or whatever afterwards. We go out to a restaurant, it seems like she is seeking out the most unhealthy food that she can (usually a fried meal with fried sides). She also orders out for breakfast and lunch nearly every day. Has to order the most sugar filled drink at Starbucks and a pastry every morning, even after already having breakfast (either at home or by going out). 
 

Several close friends of mine (couples) are interested in doing a ‘biggest loser’ competition based on percentage of weight loss and they asked us if we would care to join in and my girlfriend immediately said, “I have no interest.” (Their idea, not mine)  

I’ve been trying to peel back her emotional layers to see if she is having something going on, like depression, but she continuously tells me she is fine.
 

I’m extremely concerned because her gains are (IMO) unhealthy. She is ‘stretching’ out my XL sweatshirts now. She is heavy on her feet when walking around our townhouse, her snoring was non-existent and now it is so loud that it wakes me up throughout the night and can be easily heard throughout the home, even from a different floor. I wear a CPAP and I’ve talked with her about her snoring and suggested that she look into it, she said no.  
 

A week or two ago she said to me, “Why don’t you ever pick me up and carry me upstairs to bed?”  I deflected it the best that I could, but in my head, I was thinking that it would very likely hurt me to try as now I would guess she is well into the 200+ lbs range. 
 

My mom asked me yesterday if there was something going on with her because she is also growing concerned after the last time they saw each other  

My physical attraction towards her is diminishing. I want to help her. I just don’t know what the best course of action is to do so, without sounding scummy or heartless. 
 

Please help! 

Just be honest with her. She has to know how you feel. If she don't like it tough beans to that. You are not obligated to stay if this isn't resolved. IMO she is taking advantage of your relationship, like she doesn't have to do anything about her appearance anymore. If it's depression then yes that will need to be addressed too. You are not married so there's nothing to say you have to stick this out for better or for worse. 

[boltnrun]

Why did you invite her to move in so quickly?

[Tinydance]

Well I feel like there must definitely be something going on if she's putting such a large amount of weight on so fast. I understand some people are just larger people by their genetics but still I don't think most people would gain weight so rapidly. I think for that to happen the person would either need to binge eat (which sounds like she is?), be on some kind of medication that gains weight, or have a medical condition that makes them put on weight so much. My guess would be she is not fine and there is something behind this. It could be psychological (e.g. eating disorder) and/or physical.

Maybe you also didn't know her 100% well yet because you hadn't been together that long. She may have been trying to be on her best behaviour at the start. Now that you live together you can see the real her. I mean, I also doubt that her diet just went from healthy to completely unhealthy and over eating. Maybe she was actually like this all along.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I understand some people are just larger people by their genetics but still I don't think most people would gain weight so rapidly. I think for that to happen the person would either need to binge eat (which sounds like she is?), be on some kind of medication that gains weight, or have a medical condition that makes them put on weight so much.

My husband dated one of my college classmates - before we met actually.  Mid 20s -she told him she gained about 25 pounds in under a year that they were dating.  She'd eat quite a bit and wasn't tall - she'd order her own desserts at restaurants -the big desserts, etc.  It's not that hard to put on quite a bit of weight if you eat that way regularly as a woman.  Also people who regularly go out for drinks or drink sugary drinks, etc - it builds up fast.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, NH-Lover said:

By NO MEANS am I fat shaming.She is ‘stretching’ out my XL sweatshirts now. She is heavy on her feet when walking around our townhouse, her snoring was non-existent and now it is so loud that it wakes me up throughout the night and can be easily heard throughout the home, even from a different floor. I wear a CPAP and I’ve talked with her about her snoring and suggested that she look into it, she said no.  

No it's not fat-shaming, it's incompatibility. You're talking to her about CPAP, healthy meals, the gym, weight loss challenges, etc. so she already knows you are worried about this. 

She could easily go to a physician if she wanted to, so hinting won't work.

You're already getting on each other's nerves so telling her about her weight won't fix that. Set each other free before it implodes. No need to talk to her more about her mental or physical health. 

Instead I would examine why you want incompatible women to move in with you (such as dog woman) and this one. Is it finances? Loneliness?

[catfeeder]

I can appreciate being sensitive about body shaming, but what may be 'taboo' to discuss publicly has no bearing on what you're perfectly within your rights to privately prefer when choosing a lover.

You went too intimate too soon, and it's not working out. I'd be scouting for a different place to live.

When someone has no care or concern for their own health, it's not something you can 'help' them with.

What you see is what you get. Incompatibility is what it is. It doesn't make her a villain, but all relationships being voluntary, a breakup doesn't require someone to blame.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband didn't want to be social.  He saw no need for us to have friends and he didn't even care to spend time with his own extended family.  I enjoy having friends, being social and going to family gatherings.

We were incompatible.

I think for whatever reason you rushed into this relationship and didn't take the time to find out if you two are truly compatible.  Now you're finding out.  The true test is, if she never makes the changes you think she should make would you honestly be OK with that?  If not, you know what has to happen.

[John-VT]

I appreciate the majority of the feedback.  I’ve confronted her, directly and she nearly broke down and was in agreement.  She said that there has been a lot on her mind lately with work and family health issues that I was unaware of and she said that she “eats when she’s stressed.”  She also went on to say that she’s been struggling with her weight for years and has huge swings  

i asked her if she wanted to work through it together and she said yes.  Time will tell, but I appreciate those of you who said to just bring to her attention directly.  I’ve never really discussed weight with anyone before and knowing the social stigma about it, I honestly didn’t know how to approach it

Thanks again everyone.