If your family wouldn't help in an emergency, are they really family?

[rissa25]

My family have never been supportive but there have been occasions when I really needed help and they chose to not get involved. I also saw other family members struggle terribly despite it being preventable then pretend it didn't happen. 

It's made me think, they were there for the parties but nowhere to be found when important things needed covering. They're happy to "talk about life in general" and mess around but would never call or visit let alone offer help in an emergency. 

Talking about my family to others feels embarrassing. They have so little interest or expectation of me, they'll get angry if I'm out of work but have done nothing to support my goals in education. All I can do is get on with my own life but I can't prepare for everything. 

I've seen other families help each other. Is it a feeling of entitlement to expect help sometimes? Do I need some "growing up" or is this their problem. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, rissa25 said:

they'll get angry if I'm out of work but have done nothing to support my goals in education. All I can do is get on with my own life but I can't prepare for everything. 

Sorry this is happening. Are you over 18? Do you live with your parents? What types of emergencies do you mean?

 Make sure you have a good collection of trusted friends as well as professionals you can rely on.

[rissa25]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you over 18? Do you live with your parents? What types of emergencies do you mean?

I am 48. We haven't seen each other since 2010. Sure they have no obligation to me but they can't even be bothered to keep in contact. Christmas is coming up soon, no idea what they're up to again as they won't say - I could find out eventually but it wouldn't be worth the persistence. 

What you mean by types of emergencies - you are aware that unexpected things like injuries, job losses, evictions etc. can happen in life due to bad luck, bad decisions and so on. 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, rissa25 said:

I am 48. We haven't seen each other since 2010.

What caused this rift? Twelve years is a long time to be estranged. Do they live near you? Did they cut you off for any particular reason or did you decide to distance yourself?

[rissa25]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What caused this rift? Twelve years is a long time to be estranged. Do they live near you? Did they cut you off for any particular reason or did you decide to distance yourself?

It started when I stopped visiting and calling. They never did anyway so it was as simple as that. If I called them now they would happily pretend there was no estrangement whatsoever, we're all simply doing what we want to do. If I took issue with that it would be my problem, that is their attitude.

It makes me question, is this justifiable if to believe that is unacceptable, as they are very firm about this. They are my family after all. But it's horrible when other people talk about their gatherings and holidays etc. Maybe this is a family that isn't really a family at all. 

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, rissa25 said:

Do I need some "growing up" or is this their problem. 

Probably both, in my opinion. I mean, at 48 years of age, why do you want to carry around all this negative emotion? And what is really the point in going over and over the past with a fine tooth comb to determine whose at fault? You either have to decide to let bygones be bygones and start to rebuild or repair your relationship with your family with the understanding that everyone is human and makes mistakes, and that they are who they are and that you can love them nevertheless. 

Or, you can choose to continue to feel bitter and angry and allow the estrangement to become permanent. If you pick that path then you need to live with your decision and not expect them to trip all over themselves to help you in "emergencies" or ever. You need to stop complaining about being estranged if you are choosing to actively maintain a level of anger toward them that you refuse to sort through. This is coming from my personal experience with a similar type of family, and some of them I still don't talk to often, but I love them, and I don't feel any bitterness toward them anymore because I decided for me, that it wasn't worth carrying around that bitterness in my heart. I realized I can love people but that doesn't mean I have to like them or even respect them. 

[ssa25]

15 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Or, you can choose to continue to feel bitter and angry and allow the estrangement to become permanent. If you pick that path then you need to live with your decision and not expect them to trip all over themselves to help you in "emergencies" or ever. You need to stop complaining about being estranged if you are choosing to actively maintain a level of anger toward them that you refuse to sort through.

This post is filled with assumptions. I prefer not being in contact with them and they wouldn't lift a finger either way, that's the point of the question. Using quotes around "Emergencies" haha - have you never experienced difficult things in life? Lucky you!

I guess we could expand on your armchair analysis but I will probably get banned again for no reason again. Strange forum, didn't like the cloud software anyway. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, rissa25 said:

It started when I stopped visiting and calling.

So you seem to be the driving force in this dysfunctional familial relationship, since your actions started a 12 year rift.

These people likely have lots of ups and downs in their lives like you do.  Are you there to help them out in their emergencies?  Clearly you are not.

If you'd like things to be different in your family dynamics, you could be the one to initiate the changes.  

[moodindigo91]

9 minutes ago, ssa25 said:

have you never experienced difficult things in life? Lucky you!

Whose making assumptions now? I've been through plenty of difficult things in life without help from my family or help from anyone for that matter. But I'm not 48 and posting on forums looking for sympathy for deciding to carry bitterness and anger all around in your heart. My post is not assuming anything. It's simply saying that no matter what happened, no matter the reason for the estrangement, ONLY YOU can make the decision to either allow this to continue and be bitter and angry about it for the rest of your life, or simply let it go and move on with your life. No one owes you anything, not even your family, especially if you're the one who is putting the space between you. 

 

As far as "armchair analysis" - you're the one who came here, posted looking for some advice and/or feedback. We are complete strangers and can only go off of what you provide in your posts. What other kind of analysis could you possibly expect? I mean, grown up. 

[Blue_Skirt]

21 minutes ago, ssa25 said:

This post is filled with assumptions. I prefer not being in contact with them and they wouldn't lift a finger either way, that's the point of the question. Using quotes around "Emergencies" haha - have you never experienced difficult things in life? Lucky you!

So do I understand correctly that you (ssa25) are the same person as rissa25? Multiple accounts are not allowed on here.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, rissa25 said:

It started when I stopped visiting and calling. They never did anyway so it was as simple as that.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's very sad. What was said or done that prompted you to stop contact?

Was there a rift with one person, and maybe you didn't feel supported by the others?

Did you have an emergency where nobody helped you? Had you asked for some help and were turned down?

Just trying to learn what happened to warrant cutting them off.

[jul-els]

The short answer to your question is no, they aren’t. As someone who has had similar experiences with family members, I can say that sometimes the best thing to do is let it go and move on with your life. 

[Cherylyn]

Since my mother grew up in a dysfunctional broken home and had a marriage made in hell, she isn't the type of mother to be very close to because her own mother abandoned her when she was 2 years old.  Her father was neglectful and her stepmother was abusive.  I discovered that she can't be what she doesn't know.  It took me a very long time to realize and finally accept how she is and how her mindset affected my abnormal mother-daughter relationship. 

My sister is married to a jerk and she is similar to my mother.  I'm different in a good way because my husband and his family are positive role models for me.  I've been influenced by how a normal family should function. 

What has helped me heal is to accept my relatives as they are warts, defects, flaws and all.  My relatives are "restaurant people."  We'll meet for meals.  Many times my mother or brother will demonstrate their love by paying for everyone's meals at the table including my in-laws and their families.  They're monetarily very generous but their love is limited.  If I want a close relationship, it's non-existent and absurd to anticipate it. 

Lower your expectations to nil and you won't get hurt anymore.  You'll become numb just like me.  The more you expect or anticipate, the more disappointed and hurt you'll feel so remove those expectation thoughts from your mind in the first place.  Change the way you think.

Do what I do.  Follow your family's cues.  If they're only willing to give you a part of them such as superficial, random or seldom chit chat as if it's "normal," then go along with it.  Don't force the relationship to be anymore than it realistically is. 

Yes, you have a sense of entitlement.  No one ever said life was fair.  It's your problem.  You need to grow up.  People are people family or no family.  You have to learn to adapt, contort yourself and make do all in the name of peace.  You don't have to like it but you'll have to accept this abnormal dynamic.  I too am envious of my friends because they have great rapport with their family, relatives and many of them are compatible with their in-laws, too.  Not everyone is so lucky and fortunate. 

Since you know your family won't help, don't ask them for help.  Learn to be more independent minded.  Don't feel hurt and weak.  Become a strong person.

A lot of people are 'Good Time Charlies' because their love for you is conditional.  They love a good party but that's it.  Or, they just like you.  Nonetheless, those are their boundaries.

Learn to disengage and create a safe, healthy distance from your family since they don't act as a real family should.  I maintain a cool, frosty distance with my relatives and in-laws.  I do not love nor hate them.  I simply enforce my boundaries with them.  It's mutual and best of all, there is peace.  Granted, I'm estranged from my sister who called me a liar because she refused to accept the truth about our late father who was a wife beating, cheating, deadbeat, chain smoking alcoholic.  He left my mother and her children in the lurch with nary a penny of child support.  My mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to put a roof over our heads and food on the table.  As an 8 year old, my sister adored our father and he could do no wrong.  I beg to differ.  Calling me a liar is the same as calling my mother a liar which is asinine.   

The best thing to do is nothing as I've done.  Just keep the peace.  Give them what they want.  If they want space, give them all the space and time in the world.  This is what I do and it works great. 

Practice good diplomacy.  Do just enough to keep the peace and no more.  Do what they do.  If superficial chit chat at random is all they're willing to give you, return the favor and do likewise.  However, keep it brief otherwise you will get bored. 

Develop an independent streak of your own.  Be your own person.  Don't rely nor depend on your family to make you feel happy and whole.  Be tough and fair to yourself because it will do wonders for your soul.  Most of all, a new mindset builds security and your self confidence will soar.

[mylolita]

17 hours ago, rissa25 said:

My family have never been supportive but there have been occasions when I really needed help and they chose to not get involved. I also saw other family members struggle terribly despite it being preventable then pretend it didn't happen. 

It's made me think, they were there for the parties but nowhere to be found when important things needed covering. They're happy to "talk about life in general" and mess around but would never call or visit let alone offer help in an emergency. 

Talking about my family to others feels embarrassing. They have so little interest or expectation of me, they'll get angry if I'm out of work but have done nothing to support my goals in education. All I can do is get on with my own life but I can't prepare for everything. 

I've seen other families help each other. Is it a feeling of entitlement to expect help sometimes? Do I need some "growing up" or is this their problem. 

This is tough.

 

We do feel very insecure when out on a limb. No man is an island, as it’s said!

 

Do you have anyone in your non-direct family who you half got on with? Like, first cousins or, for example, your mothers cousins son?
 

I ask this because our support and family don’t always have to be direct family. I get on really well with two of my cousins but not the others. I don’t really get on much with my sister, but I message my mums cousin and her son quite a bit back and forth, and when we meet up, I just love them all the more! 
 

Do you have close friends? 
 

In life I have learnt that sometimes, the people who you think would be there for you in an emergency, aren’t - and those you maybe wouldn’t have relied on, can surprise you. You never know until the time comes and that is the horrible unknown aspect of these situations, as true emergencies are normally sprung on us and not predictable.

 

I’m sorry if this isn’t solid help. A lot of people aren’t in contact with their family anymore, but have spouses or friends who now replace the family they lost.

 

x

[Cherylyn]

I've learned to treat others exactly the way they treat me family or no family.  It works.  If your family has boundaries and parameters regarding what extent they're willing to have a relationship with you,  you need to return the favor by doing likewise.  I always copy how others treat me.  If they go above and beyond for me especially during my times of need,  I'll knock myself out for them and be there for them as well.  If they do just a little bit for me, again, I'll do the same for them.  You have to make sure relationships are balanced and fair so you won't feel shortchanged. 

Some people including family prefer to treat you as acquaintances and not an ounce more.  You don't have to like this type of dynamic but you have to alter your behavior in order for the relationship to remain afloat.  Your main goal is to maintain peace.  You don't have to love one another as a normal, nurturing family should.  If they're cool, you're the one who has to keep a cool head and maintain a frosty stance in your mind.  Be courageous and brave in your own right because this type of attitude and behavior gives you steadfast, unwavering self assurance and self confidence. 

Do what they do.  If superficial chat is all they're willing to give of themselves, then do the same and follow suit.  Always imitate and follow their cue.  However, keep it brief otherwise this rapport can grow stale very quickly.  If your family falls into the 'Good Time Charlies' category, then go with the flow because you might as well take what you can get in the name of peace.  This is what practicing good diplomacy is.  It's not idyllic nor optimal.  However, you can carry yourself with class and aplomb all the while. 

In your mind, don't make demands of people family included because this is how the human race is.  You have to work with them within reason.  If they haven't done anything deliberately very bad towards you, then just appreciate peace between you two.  It's not the perfect scenario.  You just have to work with what you've got. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/14/2022 at 12:00 PM, ssa25 said:

 I will probably get banned again for no reason again. Strange forum, didn't like the cloud software anyway. 

Were you banned? 

[Mammalyssa]

I don't think people can really advise you on how much effort to put in with family, without knowing them. 

I keep my own family at arms length in order to protect myself. I still love them, but we all get along better this way. I find my family to lack boundaries and overstep the mark in terms of oversharing and asking invasive personal questions, with the intention of sharing that info with others. 

I've also noticed that if I don't make 100% of the effort to meet up with family, then no one makes the effort. 

All of those small things are quite hurtful and make you feel unloved or uncared about. 

You just have to find what works for you. At the end of the day you only have one family. If you outright asked for help would they help you? I'm guessing the answer is yes.  (Help as in I'm broken down and stuck on the side of the road, not help I need money). 

I still enjoy going to family functions, but by the end of it it's tiring as I've spent the whole time being careful to keep my mouth shut about myself and treading around topics when they talk about other people. 

Most people are consumed with thinking about themselves. They arnt necessarily nasty in not considering you.. just taken up with busy lives in general. 

Whatever you need to do to maintain loving them from a distance is okay. It doesn't always have to be conflict just because we're all different. 

[Capricorn3]

Multiple accounts not allowed. Closed.