Zero physical contact from wife

[CharlieB]

Me and my wife have been together for 15 years and married 9 we do have a fairly hectic life style 3 Kids aged 7,9,11  also 3 dogs Inc puppy 

She's never found it easy to express feelings but we'd been having regular physical contact be it snuggling in bed  on an evening or sex which used to be once a week.

Gradually its got less and less and now it's at the longest it's been 3 months and nothing, I have approached her about it only to be met with anger like I was burdening her with my emotional problems.....I asked what she wanted from me and she said nothing, she doesn't want me to leave she doesn't even want me to sleep in a different bed.

Since the chat/argument we've shared a bed and I try to cuddle her and stroke her back (affectionate stuff) but I get nothing in return and it's very hard to take ..... I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Any advice is much appreciated 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, CharlieB said:

 we do have a fairly hectic life style 3 Kids aged 7,9,11  also 3 dogs Inc puppy 

Try to figure out what she is angry about. It sounds like she resents the drugery and lack of romance.

When's the last time you went out to dinner or a weekend away or helped out around the house or got the kids and dogs off her hands for a while?

Chaos tends to stress people out. You're going to have to get babysitters, enlist the help of friends and family and plan for romance.

Stroking her back isn't going to do much as far as feeling sexy when she's frazzled from the kids, dogs, household, chaos all day, etc. Also when you talk about your "needs", sex just becomes another annoying household chore for her.

You'll have to reinvigorate some romance by doing things you did while dating before the household and kids got you into this rut.

 

[CharlieB]

I always take the kids out of her hair for a few hours, I take them out to their various classes in the evenings and weekends and on holidays I take a least one child to work with me, I come home to dinner that she's cooked but after that I clear and sort the pots and tidy the kitchen.

I'm not saying I'm perfect but I do work around house doing renovation works etc.

We have zero support from family as regards looking after the kids, date nights out be great but it's just impossible at the moment.

[CharlieB]

You are right tho sex definitely is a chore to her 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CharlieB said:

 I get nothing in return and it's very hard to take 

Unfortunately until you help her decompress and relax and bring back the romance, it's going to get worse, not better. Home renovations just adds chaos. 

She's angry and stressed but somehow it's about you and your needs.

You're going to have to do a lot more than threaten to leave and put the dishes in the dishwasher.

[Lambert]

Sometimes we need to ask our partner what they need. 3 kids and a bunch of pets.  Sounds stressful and busy.  It's great your helping but really consider the balance. 

A break for an hour or two.  7 meals and clean up out of 21 meals per week. Does she work? No date nights. Does she even get out of the house daily? While you take the kids is she doing laundry? cleaning? doing chores? 

No offense but sounds like she's drowning and you're offering her a glass of water. 

She probably doesn't have the space and energy for more.  When you are stressed,  over worked, and feeling like no end in sight how do you feel? 

Can you hire a babysitter? Maybe bring home dinner some nights? Offer her a break to be with her friends? You take the kids and while she's gone. you and the kids straighten up the house.  Get her some flowers and her favorite candy.  have the kids make her pictures.  Make it special for her return home. 

Where's the fun in life? 

[Batya33]

Can you hire a cleaning person? We have no family where we relocated to either -we relocated when our son was 5 months old (he's 13).  Does she enjoy cooking? Does she cook in advance for a number of meals? Are there any pizza nights or mexican take out nights, etc? Does she also work outside the home or is her work with the kids? 

Yesterday I went to the salon to get my hair done.  It had been almost a year because between my son's schedule and husband's schedule and travel, my work schedule and salon being short staffed that is how it worked out. 

My friends were like -awesome it will be so relaxing "self care" then you'll feel so much better with the gray removed etc.  Yes it was nice.  But I got home 1.5 hours later than usual but I still had the same amount of cleaning, dinner prep, laundry folding ,prep for next day to do as usual. 

I was not mad at my husband. I didn't ask him for help other than putting a water bottle from school in the sink and restarting the dryer.  Yes it detracted from the nice afternoon at the salon.  Truth is I'm not a fan of how my husband does certain cleaning tasks and I'd feel like I had to redo most of it. 

But yes it would have been nice if -without my asking -he -for example - took his own clean laundry out of dryer etc - I always do that but as a woman - if my husband was delayed and I knew he usually did X, and I could do X for him so that he'd have one less thing on his list, it would be second nature for me to proactively notice and do it.  It would never have occurred to him without my asking to take on some of the tasks that delayed that he sees me do daily 1.5 hours earlier.  He would have done it if I asked.

Sometimes -- it's really nice not to have to ask. 

Also if she asks you to do X does she still have to remind you if it's time sensitive? If she does then it's not really off her plate.  Partially yes but it's still on the to do list, still on the list made to check the to do list, etc.  It's still on the radar.  Cumulatively that's kind of tiring.  

And when you do these things do you want "credit" -do you narrate or make it clear you "helped?" or do you just quietly do it? "Of course I'll bring in the dirty plates glad to do it!!! OK plates are in the sink -all done!!!" while your wife by contrast quietly flits around the house with her spray bottle and rags and does her wipe down cleaning routine of kitchen and bathroom surfaces before crashing for a few minutes on the sofa.  

I am affectionate with my husband daily, we do have a good romantic life, I don't withhold out of any sense of resentment I was just giving examples of how resentment can build, stress can build, etc.  My examples make it sound like I am -we have a situation where we communicated our expectations early on, we communicate when they need tweaking and I do my very best not to let it accumulate - meaning I do vent sometimes about very specific things but also notice and acknowledge when he goes the extra mile.  And he does. 

[CharlieB]

Thank you Batya33 for that reply I will certainly take all the comments on board she is definitely burnt out - you are absolutely right I do tasks and then say I've done this and done that , rediculous now you point it out.

She always feels like she's drowning in laundry I do get involved and load and unload washers and dryers but we just can't get on top on it ....maybe need a second washing machine.

She loves to cook and I do bring take aways a couple of nights a week but she is very conscious about healthy eating to take aways can be tricky sometimes.

Many thanks 

[waffle]

This is always a more complicated issue that is rarely solved by "just go on a date night/go more often."

Zero Physical Contact is not the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.  Unfortunately men (I'm generalizing here because it's almost always the husband, and it is in this case as well) can only see "I'm not getting sex" and set out to try and get sex as his goal.  So he rubs her back and tries to get her in the mood, or maybe does some extra chores, or maybe does start to initiate more date nights.  Maybe even takes her for a weekend getaway without the kids.

But women see through that.  They know it's all transactional.  He's making extra effort so now she's going to be expected to put out.  OP has confirmed this when he says he rubs her back and "gets nothing in return."  He's only doing it hoping to get laid.  This makes things worse.

The answer for the husband lies not in what you're doing, but who you are.  Are you someone who puts in effort when you're expecting something in return, or using your regular responsibilities as some sort of collateral for the sex she's now expected to provide since you're (always/usually) such a helpful husband?  Or are you a genuine partner in this marriage that takes responsibilities seriously, and not keeping score as far as what you're getting or not getting in return?  Therein lies the answer.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, CharlieB said:

ou are absolutely right I do tasks and then say I've done this and done that , rediculous now you point it out.

Oh it's totally fine if the purpose is to let her know you did it so she doesn't do it.  Just so it's not for "credit" or to be noticed when it's not noticed like that on her side.

As far as take away why do you all have to eat the same thing? My son and husband get take out and I eat my own thing (sometimes for health and sometimes what they're having is too spicy/fried for me)

[moodindigo91]

I think you should do something like, take your wife out on a surprise date. Hire child care for a weekend. Take her on a staycation. Have her get all dressed up and take her somewhere nice, somewhere SHE likes. She needs to have fun and escape from the busy life of being a mom to 3 young children. She needs to feel like she is more than just a mother, more than just your wife. Without the ability for your wife to feel like she is her own person, who is attractive and who deserves to have fun and let her inhibitions loose sometimes without feeling like she needs to take her of her duties as a wife and mother, she will view everything in your marriage as being a transaction that is required to maintain the status quo. You rubbing her back at night, I'm sure she is laying there like *ugh he wants sex and that's all and of course I have to give him sex or else he will become unhappy and etc etc etc* 

[tattoobunnie]

6 hours ago, CharlieB said:

I do tasks and then say I've done this and done that

Speaking personally...When you're holding down a very fulltime job, 2 barky dogs and 2 kids, 1 who has special needs, all other obligations, and all of their obligations like parties, sports, clubs, all of the planning for family events, having to tell the other grown adult what to do, where to take kids while you get to stare at your phone when you're there and where to go is unsexy...UNSEXY...I will repeat, stressful and unsexy.

This pretty much sums her orbit right now.  And, she has to plan the romance because I guess you can't do it or something?  And when you don't divide and conquer unless she has to spell it out for you, ughhhhh...make her life easier without being told, and the gratitude will come. 

 

Try organizing the calendar...actually cooking the meals.  Doing your own laundry and the kids.  Whatever is happening now, just being a chauffer and ordering takeout isn't enough.

[Mammalyssa]

I agree with others.. theres always the other tasks behind all the jobs. Planning birthdays and functions, organising childcare, pickups and drop offs.  

I mean you can do the jobs you're asked to do... and still leave her stressing over the life planning. 

Take on some of the planning and organising and see what happens. Consider what she does and being a team together.. what parts is she unsupported with? 

The biggest elephant in your room is actually being able to communicate together to sort this out properly. 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, CharlieB said:

We have zero support from family as regards looking after the kids, date nights out be great but it's just impossible at the moment.

Why no support from anyone?  And why is it impossible to get out for a few hrs maybe once or twice a month?

There are babysitters out there 😉 . I was one thru most of my teens.

Ask her IF this is something she'd enjoy - just to get some 'down time', alone- together.

[smackie9]

I will tell you why...men expect us to just be into it because they feel they are owed. Men provide, work hard so it should be rewarded? No. Sex is not a reward system...you want sex you need to build intimacy. A compliment, a back rub, intellectual conversation, date nights, show how much she is appreciated, loved, cared for, emotional support, romance. It's pretty simple.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Why no support from anyone?  And why is it impossible to get out for a few hrs maybe once or twice a month?

There are babysitters out there 😉 . I was one thru most of my teens.

Ask her IF this is something she'd enjoy - just to get some 'down time', alone- together.

At least where I live it's been incredibly hard to get sitters because of the pandemic fall out etc - I know this from what I read on my various mom FB groups

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, CharlieB said:

I have approached her about it only to be met with anger like I was burdening her with my emotional problems....

My heart goes out to you.

If someone would give you a million dollars to figure out why wife is angry, how much of that money could you win?

Not sure if this might help or not: I know several women who stopped being sexual with their husbands because each had come to view him as one of her children, and she resented him.

Is it possible that wife feels positioned as responsible for running the household?