Advice/insights please on my new date

[Yostina]

Thank you all so so much for the advice and confirming my doubts about this situation. I’m glad I was right and now I have more confidence to take the step to pull away. It’s always amazing to hear your opinions. Thankful🙏

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Yostina said:

I don't use dating apps, I tried a few times, all are jumping to sex and are very weird and superficial. I have no idea where to meet good serious men. 

Paid quality dating apps. Also clubs, groups, classes, courses, volunteering and broadening your social horizons.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Yostina said:

but I don’t yhink he lost interest. He is keeping contact until now but HIS way. He is doing what’s comfortable for him only.

Exactly, which isn't really showing very much in the way of keeping the connection alive. Hence my comment that he's mostly lost interest. He's fine with random and sparse contact because he's not interested enough to ramp it up. 

I think this is going to prove a waste of your time. Once he meets soemeone else abroad, he will drop off the radar completely. I would see myself out before that happens. 

[smackie9]

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated, like fulfilling your expectations. This guy made sure you got hooked, and then leaves...how fair is that? He seemed so amazing, but I think it's a complete con/manipulation. I call bs on his explanation. He probably wants a girl in every port if you know what I mean. 

[Yostina]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly, which isn't really showing very much in the way of keeping the connection alive. Hence my comment that he's mostly lost interest. He's fine with random and sparse contact because he's not interested enough to ramp it up. 

I think this is going to prove a waste of your time. Once he meets soemeone else abroad, he will drop off the radar completely. I would see myself out before that happens. 

I agree. I’ll completely back off before this happens. Let him think I’m the one who found someone else.. thanks for your advice, totally makes sense🙏

[Yostina]

36 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated, like fulfilling your expectations. This guy made sure you got hooked, and then leaves...how fair is that? He seemed so amazing, but I think it's a complete con/manipulation. I call bs on his explanation. He probably wants a girl in every port if you know what I mean. 

It’s totally unfair with all honesty.. I wish I told him that from the start, but I didn’t think of it so deeply in the beginning. Now that I’m seeing his way of contact, his mixed signals and analyzing every word he said, I realized the situation very well. Good thing that it’s not late for me to shut him off now before anything happens or causes me pain.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Yostina said:

I agree with not proceeding, but I don’t yhink he lost interest. He is keeping contact until now but HIS way. He is doing what’s comfortable for him only. 10 days ago he texted me 3 am that he misses my voice and 1 day ago he said he is thinking of me so he shares some of his feelings but is careful with it as I am too. 
What I don’t like is that there is no clear future plan and he kept it open. I’m sure if he was still here we would be dating and maybe in a relationship already, but of course I will not think of this and will take things at face value. I’m pulling myself out of this for my own sake. I’m sick of this type of men.

That's interest in online flirting/chat buddy -not relevant to interest in dating -if there were he'd want to make sure he made plans in advance with you to see you or to have you visit him or to visit you.  He's not a type of man.  He's a man you knew briefly for a short term romance who you didn't even have basic trust in -you wanted him to "prove" himself to you.  

I'm glad you're going to stop contact.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Yostina said:

I agree. I’ll completely back off before this happens. Let him think I’m the one who found someone else.. thanks for your advice, totally makes sense🙏

Yes he does sound like he likes to flirt and have a girl in every port.  But don't be unfair to yourself or dishonest with yourself by making excuses for him.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Yostina said:

I’ll completely back off before this happens. Let him think I’m the one who found someone else

Or even better, to let yourself move on. 

This has very little chance of turning into anything, so any step you take should be to help you let go of the idea of being together. 

[Cherylyn]

He's deceitful.  He should've told you from the beginning about working at his company with his friend who lives abroad,  travels there  and temporarily travels back to where you are to escape the cold weather.  Yes, indeed he played with your feelings.  You've realized this now.   ☹️

Your relationship with him is impractical.  LDRs (long distance relationships) typically fail for obvious reasons.  Too much absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  To the contrary,  a lot of absence causes two people to drift apart and fade away.

He's not cooperative regarding texting you with consideration in mind.

I agree with others.  You need to move on and go NC (no contact). 

It's better to date a local man whom you can see frequently,  text accordingly and have a smoother, easier relationship with. 

The abroad guy is not for you.  I'm sorry. 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He's deceitful.  He should've told you from the beginning about working at his company with his friend who lives abroad,  travels there  and temporarily travels back to where you are to escape the cold weather.  Yes, indeed he played with your feelings.  You've realized this now

Yes I agree with this although it doesn't need to be shared after just one or two dates (yes they texted a lot before meeting but that was her choice). Every time I met a man who was considering a relocation he told me within the first two times we met - it could just be "I really want to live and work abroad for at least a year in the next __ years" or sharing that they would be away for a month coming up from a preplanned trip or business situation.  

Also if you do get involved with someone in the entertainment industry there's often a chance they will have to travel for quite awhile and/or go on tour, etc so best to have that conversation sooner rather than later.  It might be totally fine - especially if they are shorter trips -but that's good information to gather.

[Yostina]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He's deceitful.  He should've told you from the beginning about working at his company with his friend who lives abroad,  travels there  and temporarily travels back to where you are to escape the cold weather.  Yes, indeed he played with your feelings.  You've realized this now.   ☹️

Your relationship with him is impractical.  LDRs (long distance relationships) typically fail for obvious reasons.  Too much absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  To the contrary,  a lot of absence causes two people to drift apart and fade away.

He's not cooperative regarding texting you with consideration in mind.

I agree with others.  You need to move on and go NC (no contact). 

It's better to date a local man whom you can see frequently,  text accordingly and have a smoother, easier relationship with. 

The abroad guy is not for you.  I'm sorry. 

 

 

Thank you for your insight. I agree, he should’ve been honest about it from the start, but it seems that he didn’t want to risk that I might tell him off. Still, he was not honest and that doesn’t change the fact. And like you said, too much absence with even no real future plan or clear intentions is just not gonna work. He is a busy guy and too much going on around him and he moves a lot to many countries and one day the contact will obviously be cut by itself so why drag things and get more feelings involved. Better do it now.

[Yostina]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I agree with this although it doesn't need to be shared after just one or two dates (yes they texted a lot before meeting but that was her choice). Every time I met a man who was considering a relocation he told me within the first two times we met - it could just be "I really want to live and work abroad for at least a year in the next __ years" or sharing that they would be away for a month coming up from a preplanned trip or business situation.  

Also if you do get involved with someone in the entertainment industry there's often a chance they will have to travel for quite awhile and/or go on tour, etc so best to have that conversation sooner rather than later.  It might be totally fine - especially if they are shorter trips -but that's good information to gather.

But even though we texted for nearly 1.5 months, he could’ve mentioned that he is traveling soon for a long time that’s why he wants to have more time to spend with me in person, etc. I would’ve at least been more understanding. When he asked to meet from the first time he texted, I thought he was just rushing things. You know, there are so many creepy people on social media so I was just being more careful. Anyways it is what it is nothing to do. And btw he just answered me back with 2 long voice messages telling me how crazy his days were regarding the business and he kept asking me many questions and asked me to keep sharing and caring and that he is thinking of me. It seems that he wanted to take his time to get back to me with a full response. He usually answers me very well after he takes long. 
Oh well, I don’t think I will ever understand men and what they want or how they think. 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Yostina said:

Oh well, I don’t think I will ever understand men and what they want or how they think.

What in the world does this have to do with men or even gender? This individual was dishonest about his future plans while he was dating you for the short time he did. He is typing to you and leaving voice mails and those actions don't mean he intends to keep dating you.  Please don't go there with assuming this has to do with "men" and how "they think"

People move towards pleasure and away from pain with rare exception.  A person who wants to date another person and sees future potential will choose to behave in a consistent and reliable way and in a respectful way so the other person will continue to want to date him or her.  This person prioritized his interest in a short term romance over being honest with you.  This is one person who behaved deceitfully.  Nothing to do with men. 

Nothing to do with how he thinks -you're not his analyst. His actions and choices reflect that he is not interested in dating you because he is not asking you out on dates or trying to make future plans. Who cares how this particular individual thinks or if he does. 

[Yostina]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What in the world does this have to do with men or even gender? This individual was dishonest about his future plans while he was dating you for the short time he did. He is typing to you and leaving voice mails and those actions don't mean he intends to keep dating you.  Please don't go there with assuming this has to do with "men" and how "they think"

People move towards pleasure and away from pain with rare exception.  A person who wants to date another person and sees future potential will choose to behave in a consistent and reliable way and in a respectful way so the other person will continue to want to date him or her.  This person prioritized his interest in a short term romance over being honest with you.  This is one person who behaved deceitfully.  Nothing to do with men. 

Nothing to do with how he thinks -you're not his analyst. His actions and choices reflect that he is not interested in dating you because he is not asking you out on dates or trying to make future plans. Who cares how this particular individual thinks or if he does. 

I’m only talking from my experience with men and literally all the women around me live the same thing. These days they just don’t know what they want. Maybe if I ever meet a serious guy who truly knows what he wants I would have a different perspective, but I’ve just lost hope in meeting someone honest and direct. I can’t be blamed for that too if this is the only thing I’m seeing. 
I’m not analyzing him, I was just confused and wanted to get clarity that’s all. Another thing he said before is that he doesn’t want to get me stuck because of distance and his work and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake as he did with his past relationship so he also had issues with distance before. 
How can he ask me out from a distance? The problem is he left early and it would have been too early to discuss future plans we were just getting to know each other so it’s a bit complicated situation. 
I’m not trying to make excuses for him or anything, but he was also honest at some point and I’m now willing to take things at face value.

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, Yostina said:

I’m only talking from my experience with men and literally all the women around me live the same thing. These days they just don’t know what they want. Maybe if I ever meet a serious guy who truly knows what he wants I would have a different perspective, but I’ve just lost hope in meeting someone honest and direct. I can’t be blamed for that too if this is the only thing I’m seeing. 
I’m not analyzing him, I was just confused and wanted to get clarity that’s all. Another thing he said before is that he doesn’t want to get me stuck because of distance and his work and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake as he did with his past relationship so he also had issues with distance before. 
How can he ask me out from a distance? The problem is he left early and it would have been too early to discuss future plans we were just getting to know each other so it’s a bit complicated situation. 
I’m not trying to make excuses for him or anything, but he was also honest at some point and I’m now willing to take things at face value.

I'm sorry you know such negative people.  There is no "they" - and if you go there then you're getting in your own way of approaching people as individuals. Most people -understandably - are turned off by being around people who are judging them as a "they".  Time to surround yourself with people who treat people as individuals - my suggestion is volunteer work -often people who do volunteer work related to individuals in need tend to have a more positive vibe.

In the last couple of years- including last week- I've had family members and friends meet the loves of their lives and marry.  (I got married in 2008 -in my 24 years of dating I was mostly treated with respect and like a lady and most men I dated were serious minded).  I have a niece in her mid 20s -husband is late 20s -married 7 years with 3 kids. 

My friend's son got married last week -early 30s -to his bride the same age -they're very happy together.  Another friend is marrying in a few months for the second time -she and her partner are in their 50s -they are so happy together.  Another friend in her 40s got divorced in the last year or so and is now dating a lovely man quite seriously -her age range, maybe a bit older.  She is having a blast.  He seems really into her.   Another got divorced about 6 years ago, went on dating sites and now has been married a couple of years to a lovely guy she met on match.com I believe. Very happy too and he's wonderful to her young daughter.  

You're going to meet a serious person when you are the right person to find the right person.  A person with a negative attitude like yours who will require a guy to "prove himself" is not ready to meet the right person IMO.

Here's the clarity- a person who wants to date you and is available to date will ask you out on a date he plans in advance.  If he had wanted to date you he would have told you off the bat he was leaving in X time and it was up to you whether you wanted to date while you could and then he would be in touch when he was returning to town and if you were still interested he'd love to take you out.  A man interested in you wouldn't keep in touch without being clear about his intentions.  

Do you want clarity on whether he wants to date you or whether he finds you attractive? Two different things.  If the latter -most likely yes -he enjoys flirting with you and chatting with you - but he doesn't want to date you or he'd be arranging a way for him to visit you or you to visit him and stay in your own hotel and take you on proper dates. 

It doesn't matter what you are seeing -especially since you approach it with "you have to prove yourself to me" - you have the choice to go out there and find activities and groups that attract like minded people.  I did that in order to find a husband. 

I saw plenty of people who acted like jerks in all sorts of ways.  It didn't make me passively assume "oh ok so most people are jerks".  You chose a high risk situation -a stranger from social media - it turned out to be a fun short term fling.  

Sometimes you have to go out there to find the good people - it takes work and it's worth it.  Don't let people who resort to negatively generalizing about entire genders bring you down - it shows a lack of intelligence, discernment, and emotional intelligence.  

Consider where you are going and what you are doing to meet people -including women (because women with positive vibes and energy set up other women with suitable men- I still do and have done so for about 40 years now).

[Jaunty]

In the future,  consider abandoning the long texting period.  It is not "proving" their interest in you at all.  Texting is very easy.  Meet people soon, if you feel interested in doing so.  If you don't feel that way, cut off the texting.   

[Yostina]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you know such negative people.  There is no "they" - and if you go there then you're getting in your own way of approaching people as individuals. Most people -understandably - are turned off by being around people who are judging them as a "they".  Time to surround yourself with people who treat people as individuals - my suggestion is volunteer work -often people who do volunteer work related to individuals in need tend to have a more positive vibe.

In the last couple of years- including last week- I've had family members and friends meet the loves of their lives and marry.  (I got married in 2008 -in my 24 years of dating I was mostly treated with respect and like a lady and most men I dated were serious minded).  I have a niece in her mid 20s -husband is late 20s -married 7 years with 3 kids. 

My friend's son got married last week -early 30s -to his bride the same age -they're very happy together.  Another friend is marrying in a few months for the second time -she and her partner are in their 50s -they are so happy together.  Another friend in her 40s got divorced in the last year or so and is now dating a lovely man quite seriously -her age range, maybe a bit older.  She is having a blast.  He seems really into her.   Another got divorced about 6 years ago, went on dating sites and now has been married a couple of years to a lovely guy she met on match.com I believe. Very happy too and he's wonderful to her young daughter.  

You're going to meet a serious person when you are the right person to find the right person.  A person with a negative attitude like yours who will require a guy to "prove himself" is not ready to meet the right person IMO.

Here's the clarity- a person who wants to date you and is available to date will ask you out on a date he plans in advance.  If he had wanted to date you he would have told you off the bat he was leaving in X time and it was up to you whether you wanted to date while you could and then he would be in touch when he was returning to town and if you were still interested he'd love to take you out.  A man interested in you wouldn't keep in touch without being clear about his intentions.  

Do you want clarity on whether he wants to date you or whether he finds you attractive? Two different things.  If the latter -most likely yes -he enjoys flirting with you and chatting with you - but he doesn't want to date you or he'd be arranging a way for him to visit you or you to visit him and stay in your own hotel and take you on proper dates. 

It doesn't matter what you are seeing -especially since you approach it with "you have to prove yourself to me" - you have the choice to go out there and find activities and groups that attract like minded people.  I did that in order to find a husband. 

I saw plenty of people who acted like jerks in all sorts of ways.  It didn't make me passively assume "oh ok so most people are jerks".  You chose a high risk situation -a stranger from social media - it turned out to be a fun short term fling.  

Sometimes you have to go out there to find the good people - it takes work and it's worth it.  Don't let people who resort to negatively generalizing about entire genders bring you down - it shows a lack of intelligence, discernment, and emotional intelligence.  

Consider where you are going and what you are doing to meet people -including women (because women with positive vibes and energy set up other women with suitable men- I still do and have done so for about 40 years now).

First of all, I really appreciate you taking the time to write me this advice and those great examples.

I've just been around negative and bad experiences unfortunately and this has impacted me a lot, but I normally don't approach people with a negative attitude. I don't judge anyone and I like giving things a little time to see before I decide anything whether to start a relationship or to end it. After my 8 years LDR which ended early this year, I've been so overwhelmed and I just got out of that awful trauma. I've worked hard on my mindset and still working on it, it takes time and effort.

I'm totally aware that he should have mentioned that he is moving and to let me decide whether I want to continue in this case or not, but he also offered me to come there, buy my ticket and everything and was trying to convince me, but I have responsibilities here, work, my family and other stuff. It needs time and planning if I want to visit him there. My life is unfortunately not flexible at the moment. 

Overall, I still don't think he is a bad person or wants to play me, but the timing played a big role. When I decided to chat with him first, it was not to prove himself, maybe I explained myself wrongly, but I wasn't even ready or looking for a relationship as I was still healing and plus the fact that I was being cautious and at least know something about him before meeting. So many guys send DMs so it was hard for me to make sure I want to give this a shot in the beginning, but when we talked for awhile I felt good and he even appreciated the fact that I didn't meet him right away because he said he would've maybe thought that oh so she meets anyone randomly so I still think it was a positive thing I did.

Anyhow, once again thank you so much for your words and explanation. You do make some valid points and I'll take it and work on it. I'll see where I can do volunteering where I live, I've been wanting this long time ago. 

 

[Yostina]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

In the future,  consider abandoning the long texting period.  It is not "proving" their interest in you at all.  Texting is very easy.  Meet people soon, if you feel interested in doing so.  If you don't feel that way, cut off the texting.   

Like I said above, I might have explained myself wrongly, it wasn't to prove himself, but I wasn't ready or looking for a relationship as I was still in a healing process looking after myself and I was also being cautious, wanted to at least know something about him and making sure I want to give this thing a shot.

[jul-els]

Don’t get emotionally invested in this person. He says he doesn’t want to toy with you, but that’s exactly what he’s doing. Don’t accept it. Remove him from your life.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Yostina said:

  I wasn't ready or looking for a relationship 

Exactly. That's why guys sliding into DMs are bad news.  It's cheap easy and lazy. In addition it's not a dating app so they don't even care. They just scan and prowl for easy targets.

It would be a good idea to review your social media content and privacy settings. That is being "cautious". Getting attached through protracted chitchat is not cautious at all.

[Yostina]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. That's why guys sliding into DMs are bad news.  It's cheap easy and lazy. In addition it's not a dating app so they don't even care. They just scan and prowl for easy targets.

It would be a good idea to review your social media content and privacy settings. That is being "cautious". Getting attached through protracted chitchat is not cautious at all.

That's why I was not into meeting him so quickly as he wanted. This was the first time I answered a DM and met the person actually. Also, I use my social media for work. I'm a fashion content creator so it has to be public, but I never post provocative stuff, just outfits and lifestyle. But I see your point and I'll be more aware in the future.

 

[MissCanuck]

Yes, I would also generally advise to stay away from the guys who slide in your DMs. 

They likely do it with lots of women, and see who takes the bait. Best to avoid. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Yostina said:

've just been around negative and bad experiences unfortunately and this has impacted me a lot,

I feel my responsibility as an adult who interacts with people is never to take this passive approach. Your feelings are your feelings -the feelings from being "impacted" -but you are not a victim of your feelings -make different choices despite this "impact' - by analogy, victims of abuse seek therapy to help them change their perspective and interact with individuals in a healthful way. It  takes "time and effort" -don't indulge in those throwaway cliches instead take actions each day to show yourself  you're not going to be passive. 

You are not a victim of abuse (if the trauma feels that way to you maybe you are -I do not know and if so I am sorry!!)  but whether you do counseling or do it on your own you choose how it impacts you -if at all.

For approximately 10 years I was told again and again how I was too picky/how I was "carefree" because I was "still single", how why couldn't I find a husband if my sister had married in her early 20s and been "sure" about her love for him, how my clock was ticking, men would want someone younger than me, I was intimidating because of my professional successes, on and on. I was told this in my 20s too since my sister was older and found her prince charming/now her ex husband in her early 20s.

How did I let it impact me?

I chose my goal -I kept my eye on the prize -I took well-meaning comments to heart and made certain changes - I reacted to the negative experiences and the impact and  the mindset by knowing I wanted a husband and a chance at a family and I wanted to be in love, committed to someone who felt the same -I wasn't going to settle for less.

he week before I reconnected with my now husband - I was almost 39-  a very well-known matchmaker got on the phone with me when I called to ask her staff to please stop sending me misleading invitations to parties that were not "free" and she said -before she hung up on me -"good luck meeting a man in [our city]."

So ironically my future husband was visiting our city and had grown up there but no longer lived there lol.  

You choose how it's going to impact -you are not a victim and pity parties are not a good look so have your victimhood pity party maybe 5-10 minutes a day if you're really feeling badly - a specific time -then move on by leading a fun and fulfilling life -whatever that means - I see you want to do that which is great.

To me it meant (especially from 2001-2005) , social activities with like minded people, a monthly book club, a women's dinner group for professional and personal networking, weekly volunteer work at a local shelter, singles events at my place of worship, working my behind off at my career and sometimes socializing with coworkers, travel to beach resorts often by myself, meeting men through dating sites, set ups, and all the ways I listed led me to meeting men too. 

(My purpose in volunteer work at the homeless shelter was not to meet men -it was triggered by 9-11 - I had been doing various forms of volunteer work from 1981 and on - but going to the shelter was a choice based on the tragic events and knowing people who had lost people).  There was actually one volunteer who was very nice and wanted to date me but I was already with my future husband by that time).

You have to be proactive not passive and live a positive life through your actions -not through affirmations (those work too in conjunction but simply repeating stuff isn't going to do it). 

I struggled with dating, I knew I didn't want to be single the rest of my life.  I was certainly impacted by tons of negativity being single and dating in my 30s especially and I made choices so that I was in a positive mindset and approached people individually and trusted from a position of confidence and reasonable boundaries. 

My husband would never have dated me again let alone married me if I'd been the victim of what I believed I saw around me and chose to have negative barriers up. 

Good luck and I am glad you want to make changes!  I hope you enjoy your career -I know of people whose career requires them to be on social media a lot and I see it can be a lot of work/draining at times.  

[boltnrun]

Your point of view is interesting to me. My husband (and yes, he's a man lol) was the one who wanted commitment leading to marriage. He said he wanted to be married and have a family. I was more hesitant because we were so young (20 and 19) but he said he always knew he wanted a wife and children.

No, those types of men are not super rare. It's just a matter of where they are. They generally are not trolling women's social media profiles and sending unsolicited messages. 

You seem to be backsliding into wanting to stay attached to him. I hope not, because this doesn't have the potential to turn into a serious, committed relationship. He seems to be the type who has several women on a string, hence the delayed responses to your messages. He's got other women to respond to. And likely local women he's seeing as well.

Don't sell yourself short.