Dealing with a wife from an extremly abusive background

[allstarr]

I'm 43, and my wife's 26.

You may have heard "people in abusive relationships" either "don't know they're abused," or "won't admit they're abused." That's my wife.

This is my wife's family, and extended family. On her mom's side are hardcore Christians. On her dad's side are hardcore atheists (many members of their respective families didn't want them to marry, and it's been a bunch of issues, for decades).

On the Christian side, when we were needing some help, I was told "If you work on the Sabbath, you can't stay here." I'm not bible expert, but that doesn't seem very Christian. Then, I overhear that only I would have to leave, but her biological grand daughter (my wife), and our months old baby, could stay.

On the atheists side, it's included filing a partially false police report, indicating my wife and I, and her oldest sister (my wife's the oldest of 7) and her husband were responsible for the (statutory) rape of a minor. Not only was this ludicrous, but her dad, her filed the police report, was there (despite lies that he wasn't), and he even had the guy at his house. This had led to CPS agreeing that the dad should have the remaining minor kids, even though (medical/legal) paperwork states he's not to be alone with kids. Years later, and not only does he still insist (to a cop, no less!) that I helped, but he's got my wife convinced it was my fault for bringing the guy to their house. Hello? It's your house. You knew, and had others tell him, that this man is mentally disabled, and it's his responsibility, as the dad, at the least, to tell me that I need to take my friend away from the house, and not to bring him back.

This is the same father who beat, with a board, the same daughter that was "raped;" one of the other sisters says that not only did she see her younger sister go out the door, but asked their dad why he was letting it happen, and he just went back to bed. The oldest sister recently told the "Christian grandparents" that her husband raped her, when she was 16, before their marriage, and when she finally got the courage to tell her dad about it, he did nothing about it.

Recently, her dad and his mom were spreading the lie that I threw our 1-year old across the room "and it could have killed him." This was on an empty lot, with no rooms to even throw him across. So yea, total lie.

Despite all this, my wife still wants these people in our lives, and I'm at the point where she clearly has more love for them, than for me, and that by wanting these deranged people around our boys, and allowing them around, but not me, that she doesn't have their safety in mind. I am talking with some counselors, as well as a legal clinic...just reaching out, to try and find additional support.

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to speak to an attorney (quietly, without her knowledge) about dissolving this marriage and protecting your children. 

I don't see a way forward with this level of dysfunction, but you can take steps to ensure your kids grow up in a healthier environment. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, allstarr said:

Despite all this, my wife still wants these people in our lives, and I'm at the point where she clearly has more love for them, than for me, and that by wanting these deranged people around our boys, and allowing them around, but not me, that she doesn't have their safety in mind. I am talking with some counselors, as well as a legal clinic...just reaching out, to try and find additional support

You are doing the right thing. Please consult a couple of lawyers confidentially to get the process starting. Your wife has shown you who she is and where she stands and she's still under the grip of the abuse and sadly you and the kids are at high risk because of it. And as you know, kids are very sensitive and will normalize mom's behaviour unconsciously the more you keep them under the same roof with her and her family. The best you can do is to cut her out of their life legally (scheduled visitations after divorce) and starting to give yourself and the kids a healthy life away from all the abuse. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but unless you plan to make your wife an "unfit mother", there is exactly nothing you can do about your inlaws. And chances of that are very low unless you can somehow make her clinically insane. As the kid is probably small and any court would favor her instead of you. Consult some good family lawyers. But I think your chances in court are very low for anything like this.

Also, why did you, as an atheist, joined Christian household? You had to know that you would clash a lot.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, allstarr said:

. I am talking with some counselors, as well as a legal clinic...

As you know, grandparents have Zero legal rights as far as grandchildren, so it's unclear why you need a legal clinic.

The issue is your marriage. As much as you detest her family, there's zero you can do to sever her from them.

As their mother your wife legally has the right to bring them to her parents to visit.

You seem a bit overinvolved and over controlling. You would have to divorce your wife get sole custody and supervised visitation to accomplish what you want. You're at war with your wife. Her family is irrelevant.

Unfortunately you cannot sever her from her crazy family in fact trying to is also abusive. And apart from divorce/sole custody, she has as much say in the children's lives and activities as you do.

Your wife has rights so it's unclear what you're doing with a "legal clinic". Again grandparents have zero legal rights so your beef is actually between you and your wife.

 

[catfeeder]

Where are you each living? If she moved in with her family, do you live in a stable place to raise children, and how would you manage that?

[Coily]

All of these in-laws are nuts and horrible people, you need to get your wife and children far far away from these... "people."

Rather than going the direction of divorce, perhaps it's time to look for a job (almost any job) in a different location, that makes visitation by these "people" impractical and difficult.

I would suggest you start documenting these moments of less than stellar behavior on the part of your inlaws. Ammunition in a custody fight.