Update: I think that’s us finally over

[Redyroo]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm happy for you.

Now you can leave this incompatible relationship in the past and focus on the wonderful future ahead of you that starts TODAY!

🎉

Update: HE REACHED OUT ***. 
 

He said “Hey, do you want to talk later if you are free?”

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Update: HE REACHED OUT ***. 
 

He said “Hey, do you want to talk later if you are free?”

Are you going to stay in the relationship, then?

[Redyroo]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Are you going to stay in the relationship, then?

Ever since it has ended I have been blessed with amazing opportunities. I haven’t ever felt this confident and happy. Now looking back on this relationship I no longer want to go back to feeling the way I did. So at this moment, no, I don’t want to go back

[boltnrun]

Just now, Redyroo said:

Ever since it has ended I have been blessed with amazing opportunities. I haven’t ever felt this confident and happy. Now looking back on this relationship I no longer want to go back to feeling the way I did. So at this moment, no, I don’t want to go back

I agree this is the right decision, but I've seen time and time again "But I LOVE him!!!" and "I'm afraid to be 'alone'" winning out.

Just realize you would be going back to the relationship exactly as it was, with him hiding you from his family and prioritizing going out with his friends. 

Remember how those things made you feel. Ask yourself if you want more of that.

[DarkCh0c0]

Omg!! That's amazing. Now you see that he has lowered your energy all that time.

Girl, fly! Fly high and far away from him😎

I promise at some point, you won't look back! You don't even need to reply back and waste your time and energy. You're starting a new chapter in your life 🍷

[Redyroo]

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Omg!! That's amazing. Now you see that he has lowered your energy all that time.

Girl, fly! Fly high and far away from him😎

I promise at some point, you won't look back! You don't even need to reply back and waste your time and energy. You're starting a new chapter in your life 🍷

I replied saying I have time now and he said “what’s your thoughts on this” clearly he’s trying to assess where I stand rn so he doesn’t face potential rejection. If I say it first he can just go along with it smh

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I replied saying I have time now and he said “what’s your thoughts on this” 

And how did you reply? 

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't concern myself with what he thinks or why. 

Act in YOUR best interest. Does remaining in this relationship serve you well? Do you feel secure, loved, prioritized, content? Are you happy on a daily basis? I don't mean "have you had some good times?" because of course you have. But in general does this relationship uplift you and cause you to feel confident and secure and loved?

[Redyroo]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And how did you reply? 

I said, “I would prefer you speak first as you were the one to ask for the break”

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I said, “I would prefer you speak first as you were the one to ask for the break”

Yep, he got what he wanted so why should you have to answer to him?

I bet he expected you to grovel and beg and plead and apologize and take ALL of the blame. Maybe because in the past you did? But I'm glad you stood your ground.

We have enough people around us trying to bring us down. We don't need to do it to ourselves.

[Batya33]

He didn't reach out in any meaningful way -it was a lame text - if he wanted to reach out in a way that was caring and meaningful he'd have called you -yes, even though you are  secret -he would have found a way -he would have expressed to you that he misses you so much and loves you so much and he is hoping you'll agree to meet with him so he can tell you in person how he feels and what he wants for the future with you.  He'd have made sure if you agreed it was at a good time for you.  

I wouldn't interact with him.

[Redyroo]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Yep, he got what he wanted so why should you have to answer to him?

I bet he expected you to grovel and beg and plead and apologize and take ALL of the blame. Maybe because in the past you did? But I'm glad you stood your ground.

We have enough people around us trying to bring us down. We don't need to do it to ourselves.

Exactly probably he was wanting that! And yeh I tended to blame myself sooo much! I’m so glad for this break, it has taught me so much ☺️

[Redyroo]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He didn't reach out in any meaningful way -it was a lame text - if he wanted to reach out in a way that was caring and meaningful he'd have called you -yes, even though you are  secret -he would have found a way -he would have expressed to you that he misses you so much and loves you so much and he is hoping you'll agree to meet with him so he can tell you in person how he feels and what he wants for the future with you.  He'd have made sure if you agreed it was at a good time for you.  

I wouldn't interact with him.

Yeah true this is what I want. I told him I wanna go back to no contact basically and he respected my decision.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah true this is what I want. I told him I wanna go back to no contact basically and he respected my decision.

Good for you! You should feel so proud of yourself.

[boltnrun]

I'm so happy for you.

These things aren't nearly as difficult as we think they'll be.  It's just getting past those initial few days and then things start to become very clear.  You're not awful on your own after all.  You're strong and are accomplishing wonderful things.  I bet you're smiling a lot more too.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Redyroo said:

I said, “I would prefer you speak first as you were the one to ask for the break”

Did he respond to that? 

[Redyroo]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Did he respond to that? 

Yeah he ended up talking about the argument which was good to go over it but at the same time I was already done with it and couldn’t be ar*sed having to go back into the past. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah he ended up talking about the argument which was good to go over it but at the same time I was already done with it and couldn’t be ar*sed having to go back into the past. 

Why should you? Your future looks amazing.

[Redyroo]

19 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm so happy for you.

These things aren't nearly as difficult as we think they'll be.  It's just getting past those initial few days and then things start to become very clear.  You're not awful on your own after all.  You're strong and are accomplishing wonderful things.  I bet you're smiling a lot more too.

So i’m starting to miss him right now but I just know that if I were to go back things would be the same and I just can’t go there. I don’t think I could go back after the amount of pain he caused me. It’s sad because we really did have a wonderful relationship “at times”. Just wish it had always been good but it wasn’t and I’m so so lucky I have my diary entries to remind me of the *** I went through in the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/21/2022 at 12:17 PM, Redyroo said:

 I finally got my results back from my psychology degree and got the best result you can get! I got distinction and then a job interview!

Focus on your profession and the wonderful open world ahead of you. He was like a prison. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

So i’m starting to miss him right now but I just know that if I were to go back things would be the same and I just can’t go there. I don’t think I could go back after the amount of pain he caused me. It’s sad because we really did have a wonderful relationship “at times”. Just wish it had always been good but it wasn’t and I’m so so lucky I have my diary entries to remind me of the *** I went through in the relationship.

Yes, it would be going back to the exact same relationship. You would feel the exact same way you did before, anxious, depressed and stressed. 

You don't "miss" him specifically because that would mean you miss being treated the way he treated you and that makes no sense. 

Talk to friends, family and keep busy. And write on here if you want.

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah he ended up talking about the argument which was good to go over it but at the same time I was already done with it and couldn’t be ar*sed having to go back into the past. 

So have you two officially broken up now?

 

[Redyroo]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So have you two officially broken up now?

 

Thanks everyone and @boltnrunis right, I only miss the good parts of him, not the him that he is now or the way I felt in the relationship. 
 

and to answer MissCanucks question, no because I said I need space, I still feel very vulnerable right now and all I can do is ask for space as that seems to be the only thing that’s working for me atm. As soon as he contacted me yesterday and having talked to him I could feel myself getting attached again. So I’m taking this space again to try detach best way possible.

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Thanks everyone and @boltnrunis right, I only miss the good parts of him, not the him that he is now or the way I felt in the relationship. 
 

and to answer MissCanucks question, no because I said I need space, I still feel very vulnerable right now and all I can do is ask for space as that seems to be the only thing that’s working for me atm. As soon as he contacted me yesterday and having talked to him I could feel myself getting attached again. So I’m taking this space again to try detach best way possible.

Did you get around to calling the doctor?

Or...did you find a "reason" not to?

Your feelings of low self worth don't just disappear. A perfect example is not wanting to break up with him because you "feel very vulnerable". It's one thing to feel a bit sad over the end of a relationship. That's totally normal. But to fear you'll go back to this bad relationship if you talk to him? That's your low self worth talking. 

You may find yourself in another relationship just like this one if you don't address the underlying reasons why you found this relationship attractive. And therapy is excellent for that.

As a psych degree holder I'm sure you know the value of therapy. So I hope you did follow through.

[Batya33]

I've heard it helps to get a stack of index cards -and then get out your journal and on each card write one negative thing about him/your interactions with him.  Flip through them when you get tempted to interact with him again.