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Update: I think that’s us finally over


Redyroo
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8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Gosh ...

What he's done to you is inacceptable in any way. You don't deserve this.

I'm happy you're seeking help 💪💚

I’m having another panick attack right now, came all of a sudden, trying my best to cope

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Just now, Redyroo said:

I’m having another panick attack right now, came all of a sudden, trying my best to cope

Can you call a friend or family member?

Whatever you do, do not contact him. Messaging him may bring a false sense of temporary relief but he's not the answer.

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On 7/5/2022 at 7:25 PM, Redyroo said:

So we’ve been together 5 years now, he’s 30 and i’m 25. The reason i’m worried is because I don’t know where I stand with him. The only way the relationship can move forward is if I become muslim and i’m unsure if I want to be muslim. He’s wanting marriage with me but this for him and his family is the only way. His family don’t even know about me yet. It’s no wonder i’m this insecure because i’ve felt hidden from a part of his life that is so important. Because of the religion, he also can’t post me on social media although we do follow each other on it. 

What do your trusted friends and family think of this situation and him? Have they met him? You do not have to settle for this nightmare because you feel like damaged goods and he "put up" with you. 

Do you think he engages in premarital sex? How does that fit into his hypocrisy?

Call a national mental health hotline if you are having anxiety attacks and they will help you. Alternatively go to an ER. In the meantime, yes see a physician for an evaluation of your mental and physical health. 

In fact your fragile mental state and fears are what is driving this association with this man. You've wasted your entire youth on him. He will marry someone his parents pick out and you'll be too old for kids/a family while he is happily married if you stick around with him another few half decades.

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21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Can you call a friend or family member?

Whatever you do, do not contact him. Messaging him may bring a false sense of temporary relief but he's not the answer.

I’m very lucky I have all of you to support me and my friends and family ☺️ The panic attack has went away. Honestly can’t thank you all enough people! Literally helping me so much through this!

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22 hours ago, Redyroo said:

This is my first relationship ever and it lasted 5 years so the heartbreak really is something like no other. It keeps coming in waves. One minute i’m fine, the next my eyes are swollen from the tears. I think I may have actually made myself ill from crying so much. Can feel a scratchy throat, headache and blocked nose coming on.

It’s officially the end of day 2 and i’m feeling proud for not reaching out. I made some tea for myself and it has really helped alongside a hot water bottle. 
 

What these 2 days of space has done is made me realise I do have a real issue with being alone. I’m absolutely terrified of not having someone with me. I’m definitely anxiously attached. I’ve spent 5 years trying to work on it but I guess I have all this time now to work more on it and accept that I am now single. It really is difficult but it helps knowing i’m not alone in this and hearing responses like yours really is validating and healing so thank you again

Yes, exactly.. it will come in waves.  It's because you are trying to come to terms and are grieving the reality of it now..  which is why I say be easy on yourself.

Is fine & normal to cry it out, the anxiety involved, etc.  One won't get over this in a week or a month. - What I came to realize once, was with help from therapy & time, I was over him by 10 mos.

So yes, expect the rough time.. as you adjust & work through your emotions.  It will change, believe me.  And one day you WILL feel pretty okay again 🙂 

BUT, do not reach out... No Contact!  You need to be done now.  Less you know, the better and you really want no reminders anymore, in order to do this.

Be strong.  Fight those urges.. It is for your best interest.  😉 .

RE Your 'panic attacks'... Deep breathing calms your system down.  Use your 'senses'.. something to taste, or smell, or feel, etc.  And remember, it will pass. - I Know it feels awful 😕 .

 

 

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Just now, Redyroo said:

I’m very lucky I have all of you to support me and my friends and family ☺️ The panic attack has went away. Honestly can’t thank you all enough people! Literally helping me so much through this!

I'm glad you feel better.

Once you contact your doctor and start being proactive about dealing with your low self worth issues you'll consistently feel a lot better. 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, exactly.. it will come in waves.  It's because you are trying to come to terms and are grieving the reality of it now..  which is why I say be easy on yourself.

Is fine & normal to cry it out, the anxiety involved, etc.  One won't get over this in a week or a month. - What I came to realize once, was with help from therapy & time, I was over him by 10 mos.

So yes, expect the rough time.. as you adjust & work through your emotions.  It will change, believe me.  And one day you WILL feel pretty okay again 🙂 

BUT, do not reach out... No Contact!  You need to be done now.  Less you know, the better and you really want no reminders anymore, in order to do this.

Be strong.  Fight those urges.. It is for your best interest.  😉 .

RE Your 'panic attacks'... Deep breathing calms your system down.  Use your 'senses'.. something to taste, or smell, or feel, etc.  And remember, it will pass. - I Know it feels awful 😕 .

 

 

Thank you for your kind words, it really helps knowing that other people have went through this and managed to get through. It feels really impossible but i’m really proud I have managed day 3 ☺️. It is a very slow and painful process but I will try my very best to so it. I will keep you all updated.

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2 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Thank you for your kind words, it really helps knowing that other people have went through this and managed to get through. It feels really impossible but i’m really proud I have managed day 3 ☺️. It is a very slow and painful process but I will try my very best to so it. I will keep you all updated.

Just remember, no matter what you do please do not contact him. Not even to "say goodbye" and definitely not to "apologize". 

Your strength will increase every day. But if you contact him it'll be like starting all over again.

Rely on your friends and family. And please do follow through with contacting your doctor. Don't come up with any excuses not to. It's too important.

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just remember, no matter what you do please do not contact him. Not even to "say goodbye" and definitely not to "apologize". 

Your strength will increase every day. But if you contact him it'll be like starting all over again.

Rely on your friends and family. And please do follow through with contacting your doctor. Don't come up with any excuses not to. It's too important.

Honestly if it weren’t for your words and this forum I probably would have reached out by now. You guys are all helping me keep strong 🤗 eternally grateful you have no idea. Right now i’m on a high. This is the side of me that feels justified that this was meant to happen and I am better off without him. Before I know it, the wave will hit again and I will be moping and wanting ti go back. This break up has caused a split between two sides of me. I guess you could say the head and the heart, the adult and the child. Right now i’m in flow with my head/logic and adult self. It feels great. The lows are really difficult. This will be when I will come back on the forum to cope.

Also I will definitely follow up on contacting the doctors.

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The truth is somewhere in the middle. Neither of you are terrible people. You just didn't belong together in a relationship. And that's OK.

Also, it's normal to feel sadness, disappointment, even grief. Don't beat yourself up or call yourself "weak". Just remember that no matter what you're feeling, your ACTIONS need to come from a place of self love. Not a desperate attempt to get immediate relief from pain, but what's best for you in the long term.

That's why I recommend you program his contact in your phone as either NO DON'T or REMEMBER WHY NOT. You'll be tempted but seeing that reminder will help you stay strong.

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47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The truth is somewhere in the middle. Neither of you are terrible people. You just didn't belong together in a relationship. And that's OK.

Also, it's normal to feel sadness, disappointment, even grief. Don't beat yourself up or call yourself "weak". Just remember that no matter what you're feeling, your ACTIONS need to come from a place of self love. Not a desperate attempt to get immediate relief from pain, but what's best for you in the long term.

That's why I recommend you program his contact in your phone as either NO DON'T or REMEMBER WHY NOT. You'll be tempted but seeing that reminder will help you stay strong.

This is such a great idea! I will definitely do this thank you! 

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26 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

This is such a great idea! I will definitely do this thank you! 

It worked for me. I would think about sending a text or calling, then I'd see the NO DON'T and remember why it was a bad idea. I finally ended up changing my number so he couldn't contact me (which he liked to do whenever he fought with the woman he'd dumped me for). I had to act in my own best interest or I would have ended up depressed, sad and anxious for years. Didn't want that.

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Something you could try now when you’re calm, brainstorm a big list of things you can do when the next wave comes to stay afloat!

For the rising panic, I haven’t tried this yet but apparently if you submerge your face in ice cold water for 30 seconds it resets the nervous system (in other words halts that fight or flight response in its tracks)

For the sadness that settles over you like dew you have to get up and moving if you don’t want to feel it’s chill, go for a jog or a walk, go outside in the sun and look at a tree, learn to play guitar and sing at the same time (this activity is the Only activity that could distract me from my grief when my heart was shattered. It’s really hard, any activity that’s really hard and requires a lot of your brain to do will have the same effect I think), get onto meet up, be dismayed at how dull and how small the selection of activities and then pick the least bad sounding three that line up with your free time and commit to attending! Play your favourite music and draw or paint something. 

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8 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Something you could try now when you’re calm, brainstorm a big list of things you can do when the next wave comes to stay afloat!

For the rising panic, I haven’t tried this yet but apparently if you submerge your face in ice cold water for 30 seconds it resets the nervous system (in other words halts that fight or flight response in its tracks)

For the sadness that settles over you like dew you have to get up and moving if you don’t want to feel it’s chill, go for a jog or a walk, go outside in the sun and look at a tree, learn to play guitar and sing at the same time (this activity is the Only activity that could distract me from my grief when my heart was shattered. It’s really hard, any activity that’s really hard and requires a lot of your brain to do will have the same effect I think), get onto meet up, be dismayed at how dull and how small the selection of activities and then pick the least bad sounding three that line up with your free time and commit to attending! Play your favourite music and draw or paint something. 

This morning has definitely been the worst. I thought I was going to vomit and was in and out of sleep the entire night. I still can’t properly eat either. My mum is like don’t let it get to you but it’s a lot easier said than done, I can’t exactly force food down when imm feeling highly nauseous :(. 
 

i’ve also been trying to phone the doctors, at least 20 times by now but the line is constantly busy. I’ll just keep trying though. 
 

also yeah I do like to paint or play the piano or exercise. I’ll definitely try these next time x

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59 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

. My mum is like don’t let it get to you 

Listen to your mother. She is right. It's time to finally address the underlying issues and set yourself free from this man.

There are plenty of mental health hotlines in the UK and the ER for more acute problems. 

 

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When I feel queasy like that the Weil method of 4-7-8 breathing helps me a great deal (the more you practice it the better it works -practice even when you feel calm) -and Weil shows exactly how to purse your lips for the exhale which is an important part of its effectiveness.  i'm sorry you felt sick. 

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Piano is great. Up the anti, learn a song on the piano and sing at the same time. 
 

*solidarity fistbump* the broken sleep struggles are reeeeeal. You’re mileage may vary and I haven’t tried this yet but try 20 minutes of intense cardio a day. The broken sleep is from an over abundance of stress hormones in our bodies, exercise will help dissipate them.

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11 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Piano is great. Up the anti, learn a song on the piano and sing at the same time. 
 

*solidarity fistbump* the broken sleep struggles are reeeeeal. You’re mileage may vary and I haven’t tried this yet but try 20 minutes of intense cardio a day. The broken sleep is from an over abundance of stress hormones in our bodies, exercise will help dissipate them.

Hey guys, update, we got back together 😁🥰🙏 ha….joke, today i’ve actually felt really really good. Literally end of day 4 no contact and I feel really confident all of a sudden. Idk if i’ll go back to feeling crappyC probably will but for now i’m on a high. I had a really nice day today, started a new job and met new people :). Just wanna thank everyone again. Maybe the relationship really was making me miserable and giving me low self esteem. Looking back i’m starting to notice all the red flags and *** I put up with. There were good times i’ll admit but for the most part I truly was f*cking miserable. Always on edge, thinking he was cheating even though I never had any proof. It was awful and not something I ever want to go through again. As much as it is painful to know that I may never hear from him again, I truly feel like this was meant to happen and I’m feeling really grateful. Idk if it’s normal to already hit this stage only after day 4 of no contact but hey ho, i’m not complaining. This feels amazing. 

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I'm glad you're feeling better and had a good day.

I still strongly urge you to follow through with contacting your doctor for a referral to a therapist. It can't be like the person who cuts back on junk food and loses 20 pounds, then decides "I'm thin now, so I can go right back to the junk food!" and is shocked when they gain all the weight back. Your thought process is concerning enough that I think working with a professional to resolve your issues for good is an excellent idea.

Good luck.

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're feeling better and had a good day.

I still strongly urge you to follow through with contacting your doctor for a referral to a therapist. It can't be like the person who cuts back on junk food and loses 20 pounds, then decides "I'm thin now, so I can go right back to the junk food!" and is shocked when they gain all the weight back. Your thought process is concerning enough that I think working with a professional to resolve your issues for good is an excellent idea.

Good luck.

I do agree, you make an excellent point! I’ll try phoning again tomorrow ☺️

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2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

I do agree, you make an excellent point! I’ll try phoning again tomorrow ☺️

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'".

My signature line courtesy of Yoda and one of my personal favorites.

Another is "If it's important you'll find a way. If it's not important you'll find an excuse".

How important is it to you that you stop feeling like you're "deformed" or "unlovable" unless there's some male human you can point to and call "boyfriend"? Do you ever want to go through this again?

I hope you make the call.

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