I have a date

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, gamon said:

Most men would not consider you to be a great catch or even a fair catch, and this is the main reason you're not in a relationship.

Hey, back off. Just because OP has weight struggles doesn't mean she isn't a catch. How dare you say this is "the main" reason she's not in a relationship. You barely know her and she clearly listed that she struggles with other areas in her life.

She came here to seek help and that's what matters.

[Alex39]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't about being a catch or not. It's about you're unhappy on so many levels and won't help yourself. You don't think you're a great catch and people pick up on that.

Your therapist for example told you to avoid your mother because she's so toxic, but you won't do that.

You're not happy with your weight,it doesn't matter what is stylish or attractive blah blah. What matters is it depresses you further.

You're not happy with your lifestyle, you want a partner and it's not happening. 

Yet you refuse to get some tests done to see what's going on health wise with you and you refuse to treat the anxiety depression or binge eating disorder. 

This has zero to do with being a foodie or loving food. You claim you eat to regulate your stress anxiety and moods. Whole different thing.

Perhaps you'll have to hit rock bottom before you turn things around and get the help you need. Many people who use something compulsively to regulate feelings and emotions do.

Maybe your first doctors visit will be in the ER with diabetes or a heart attack. So while you don't like going to doctors for preventative care,you may end up going for emergency care.

You very well know about health and math. You know about weight loss solutions. You know about weight control support group and nutrition plans.

All the advice in the world won't help someone who doesn't want it. 

This has nothing to do with vanity or a BF. It has to with unhappiness.  In fact someone with a "perfect" body but a morbidly depressed mentality like this would have just as much difficulty attracting anyone.

I think this is way too harsh. I'm not having a heart attack tomorrow.  Am I a bit overweight, yes. But I do enjoy good foods. I eat salads, vegetables,  eggs, yogurt, fruits. I just tend to snack a lot in between.

Covid was hard. I was home alone, sitting around a lot. So gained some weight. Almost everyone I know did as well. Do I emotionally eat sometimes, sure. But other times I don't. I do enjoy good food. I enjoy cooking and baking. It's a fun hobby for me. It's relaxing. I'm good at it, whether I'm making a healthy quiche or Brownies. 

Do I need to lose weight for my own health? Yes. I know how to do it. A doctor is going to tell me to lose weight. So I don't see that as any different. In my past, I've flip flopped, gaining 50, losing 50. I know how to do it. I haven't committed to it, until now I'm sticking to it. 

I'm not going to shun my mother. She's my mother and I love her. She can be overbearing sometimes, but I keep working on having my boundaries and I want my own life. I used to not want my own life. I used to only want life with my parents. I've come a long way and I want life with me and a man growing our own family. 

[boltnrun]

Intellectually you know how to lose weight, but if you don't get to the root cause of why you overeat you'll keep gaining and losing the same 50 pounds over and over.

Covid was hard on everyone and people found different coping strategies. Many of them were unhealthy, such as drinking or drugs or overeating. But the time has passed where we need to stay inside isolating, so you can make small but lasting changes now.

I stand by my recommendation of seeing your primary doctor for a physical and blood work and a referral to supportive therapy.

I never said to "shun" your mother. But you don't have to tell her everything either. Mine don't tell me everything. My son eloped! How's that for not sharing everything lol! And I got over it. Your mom will too.

[waffle]

5 hours ago, gamon said:

Your stated weight puts you completely off the charts somewhere in the "extremely morbidly obese" range. Most men would not consider you to be a great catch or even a fair catch, and this is the main reason you're not in a relationship. You've chosen baking and eating and a sedentary lifestyle over making yourself fit and attractive to a potential dating partner. The good news is, you can do something about it.

On the other hand I know a young lady with bleached blonde hair, a boob job, killer body, drop-dead gorgeous . . . but got kicked out of high school and has no job (she occasionally gets a job but loses it 1 - 2 weeks later) and has been arrested multiple times for threatening to kill whoever her current boyfriend is, for a variety of reasons.  She has physically assaulted at least a couple of them.  Mental problems out the wazoo.

By your definition she's a "catch" and Alex is substandard because in your opinion she is not "attractive."  Do you see how ridiculous this is?

Quit telling people they're not "attractive" when you have no idea if they are or not and furthermore you have no idea what other people's preferences are as far as what they find attractive.

[gamon]

18 minutes ago, waffle said:

By your definition she's a "catch" and Alex is substandard because in your opinion she is not "attractive."  Do you see how ridiculous this is?

Yes I see how ridiculous your post is, saying I somehow suggested a homicidal lunatic is a "great catch" because she's good looking.

 

[gamon]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Am I a bit overweight, yes.

You're not a "bit" overweight. You're off the charts extremely morbidly obese.

This is not an insult, criticism, judgement or an observation, it's a fact based on the measurements you posted here.

 

[Alex39]

I know I look heavier, but I don't look disgusting. I've always carried weight well. I don't look 235 pounds. I probably look 180. I've always been good at concealing weight. I don't think any friend would think I'm that weight if asked. I'm not saying that I look great, but I dress well, fix myself well, hair, makeup,I have great skin, beautiful teeth/smile, and I look put together. I am working on my health. I know thats a huge factor. My goal currently is my health. I am trying to calorie count, snack less, be active, and be healthy. I am and know I can do it. 

[mylolita]

We all know different women and different body shapes and ethnicities carry weight very differently. Some women just have gorgeous, beautiful faces, and a few extra stone (sorry, I’m British, I don’t do pounds and ounces!) doesn’t seem to alter how lovely their faces are. If you add style confidence and dress sense, a woman who is overweight can carry herself beautifully!

 

One woman who is an apple shape will look bigger holding weight mostly on her stomach where as a pear shape will appear curvy and still maintain maybe a flatter stomach. It has never been more socially acceptable and fashionable to be bigger. I am not saying yes, be unhealthy. I am saying the stigma has lifted, and the days of heroin chic and cracker bread and cigarettes are no longer. Bootalicious, like Rihanna, who is no skinny Minnie - very fashionable and sexy at the moment.

 

Some of my favourite famous women for curvy inspiration are Daphne Oz and Amara La Negra.

 

You want to feel great in your own skin Alex. Many people can lose weight - if you naturally have great hair, or a lovely face, or fantastic feet, big eyes, an unusual striking feature or beautifully shaped nails and hands, these are things that you can’t alter. Weight changes ebbs and flows through most peoples lives. The woman who never fluctuates is a woman who is strictly watching what she eats mostly all of the time. You don’t strike me as that kind of girl. New clothes and a trip to the hair salon can perk most women up! The rest, if you really want too, can be worked out (as you have done before) at the gym, walking or reducing calories. 
 

Please don’t be ashamed of your size, or think you are unworthy of love and happiness just because of your weight. Make changes because you want too, not for anyone else!

 

(PS - I always absolutely adored and wanted to look like Drew Barrymore. She has such a cute, curvy, youthful look. An artistic kinda babe. Anyway, she was never rail thin. I know she wasn’t big by anyones real standards, but she was never the Hollywood twiglet. You don’t have to starve yourself to be gorgeous or to “broaden your appeal”).

 

x

[mylolita]

Just some inspiration from other women carrying extra weight (no men would kick them outta bed I assure you!) 

 

You can be beautiful and not rail thin. You can enjoy food and baking and still eat chocolate and drink your wine! 
 

The rigid, hardbody look is not a happy place for most women. It can look absolutely amazing as well, of course - but some women’s figures, lifestyles… it’s not realistic. You want to be healthy happy but enjoy food. It’s also never been easier to buy for curves, so many fashion brands offer bigger sizes now. There is no need to “hide” your figure or feel frumpy wearing baggy, too big items.

 

x

[mylolita]

Just to also add and hopefully make you feel better Alex (and no lose hope for curvy women everywhere!) that Rihanna also went through a “bigger stage” and still looked just as stunning, striking and stylish as ever!

 

x

[mylolita]

Basically, you don’t have to be slim to be gorgeous!

 

x

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

You're not a "bit" overweight. You're off the charts extremely morbidly obese.

What do you gain from stressing on this? You haven't even seen OP to consider her obese. So, back off and stay in your lane.

Unless you have something to say that will actually help OP, stay.in.your.lane.

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What do you gain from stressing on this? You haven't even seen OP to consider her obese. So, back off and stay in your lane.

Unless you have something to say that will actually help OP, stay.in.your.lane.

I have to say I agree.

 

The people who are most critical of others appearances, I often wonder what their figures and faces look like! Are they Kate Moss? I think most likely - not.

 

A little compassion can go along way. No one is perfect. Health happiness and feeling good about yourself - we are all striving for it. I think Alex already beats herself up enough, I agree.

 

x

[mylolita]

41 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I know I look heavier, but I don't look disgusting. I've always carried weight well. I don't look 235 pounds. I probably look 180. I've always been good at concealing weight. I don't think any friend would think I'm that weight if asked. I'm not saying that I look great, but I dress well, fix myself well, hair, makeup,I have great skin, beautiful teeth/smile, and I look put together. I am working on my health. I know thats a huge factor. My goal currently is my health. I am trying to calorie count, snack less, be active, and be healthy. I am and know I can do it. 

Alex,

 

This is very true. I have added some pictures and made a similar point waiting for mod approval. Some women hold more weight much better than others. Some women’s faces are just beautiful, even when they are heavier. Some women know how to dress themselves and are stylish no matter what.

 

Pear shapes, apple shapes… different ethnicities pack weight on different areas. Rihanna went through a bigger phase and no one complained or kicked her outta bed!

 

x

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My goal currently is my health. I am trying to calorie count, snack less, be active, and be healthy. I am and know I can do it.

I wouldn't recommend calorie counting. That's a big effort that doesn't net significant results. Instead, give away all the fatty, sugary foods and ingredients you have in your home. Don't eat unless you are legitimately hungry and make sure what you eat is valuable fuel for your body.  Walk every day, even if it's just around the block. If you find yourself heading for the kitchen, ask "am I truly hungry or just bored?" And don't have seconds right away at mealtime. Wait 15 minutes. If you're still legitimately hungry then have a second serving that's half the size of the first serving. 

And please see your doctor! Your body could be concealing major health issues without you even knowing it. And ask for a referral for supportive therapy. This is key.

[Alex39]

Thanks so much for all those that came to my defense.

I know I'm not a skinny rail. But I'm not some disgusting pig. I am a very pretty, kind hearted, loving woman. 

Genetics does play a huge role in weight. I gain weight easy. And it's extremely hard for me to lose weight and maintain that loss.  It's not easy. I try very hard every day. 

I'm not dumb. I know I need to lose some. I am trying and I have lost about 4 pounds this month. It's a hard process. Long too. 

I am a great person, deserving of love, dating, sex. Regardless of how I look. I know I don't look perfect, but I am a very sweet, giving, and kind person. I offer my heart on a platter to the right person, and they get my undying loyalty, compassion, and kindness, amongst other things. I'm quirky, and cute, and funny in my own way. I'm intellectual, sexual at times, a good home maker. 

There's so much more to me than being a bit chubby. 

[gamon]

22 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What do you gain from stressing on this? You haven't even seen OP to consider her obese. 

It’s not necessary to see the person. The obesity and BMI charts require only 2 measurements and the Op had provided them. 

She clearly needs a wake-up call to motivate real and lasting change since she describes herself as “a bit chubby”and a “good catch” and blames genetics rather than poor eating habits. 
 

Toptoeing around the real issue to spare her feelings isn’t doing her any good. 

The charts don’t lie. 
 

 

[Alex39]

11 minutes ago, gamon said:

It’s not necessary to see the person. The obesity and BMI charts require only 2 measurements and the Op had provided them. 

She clearly needs a wake-up call to motivate real and lasting change since she describes herself as “a bit chubby”and a “good catch” and blames genetics rather than poor eating habits. 
 

Toptoeing around the real issue to spare her feelings isn’t doing her any good. 

The charts don’t lie. 
 

 

I never said I ate perfectly in my past and even pointed out that I snack too much. And I do look chubby. So I've only been honest here. 

I am a great catch. I am a great person and a very pretty girl. Maybe not to you, but I don't care if you like how I look. 

I already stated that I am dieting and becoming more active. So I don't need to wake up. I am wide awake and I am losing weight slowly and healthy. So I don't get what your point is here?

There may be guys who like my personality and my look. So I am a good catch. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, gamon said:

It’s not necessary to see the person. The obesity and BMI charts require only 2 measurements and the Op had provided them. 

She clearly needs a wake-up call to motivate real and lasting change since she describes herself as “a bit chubby”and a “good catch” and blames genetics rather than poor eating habits. 
 

Toptoeing around the real issue to spare her feelings isn’t doing her any good. 

The charts don’t lie. 
 

 

Why are you bullying someone who's emotionally fragile?

Cruel words have never motivated anyone. 

Alex, please disregard this person's mean words. In fact this forum allows for muting. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@gamonI think other posters were able to get the idea of OP working on her health without being rude about it. If they were able to do it, so could you.

Have some tact and respect.

[Alex39]

Again, thank you to those that have supported me. 

I'm not one that is motivated by harsh words. I appreciate honesty and I feel you can be honest and motivating at the same time. My mother hasn't gotten that memo yet, and apparently Gamon either. 

I am trying to get more healthy. That has been a priority for me for a long time. I am committed to it. I think I can diet, forge a healthy lifestyle, make new friends, date, and try to set boundaries with my mother too. I can do it all. 

I often feel like throughout my life my feelings were ignored, brushed away, and invalid. Posting on here and getting the support I have gotten means a lot to me. 

I never claim to be perfect on here. I am not perfect, but I am a good person with a kind heart. I'm an accomplished person at 30 years old. I think everyone in life is constantly growing, fixing themselves, learning. I'm just figuring out my stuff like every other person. Being made to feel like a lazy, food obsessed, fat, loser. I'm aware of my eating habits. I'm aware of my medical issues. I'm very aware. And that person Gamon is describing is not me. I'm a successful business woman. A highly educated middle class citizen.  A homeowner. A loving daughter. A kind friend. I used to be a fitness instructor before the pandemic. So the assumptions about me are very wrong. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Alex39you got this 💅

Nobody has all their life together, and for you to come here and ask for advice shows how open and mature you are.

I'm confident that with time and efforts you will get closer to your dating and health goals. You've done this in other areas of your life, so this will get easier for you as well at some point.

[boltnrun]

I'm just a random person on the internet, so that's why I strongly recommend seeing your doctor.

I was feeling lethargic and had put on some weight (my brother referred to me as "looking cheesy", nice, huh 🙄 ) so I saw my doctor and she ran some tests. Turns out I have thyroid disease. Hypothyroidism causes your body to have an extremely difficult time losing any weight. It also causes lethargy and even depressed feelings. I also had a gallstone which required me to have my gallbladder removed. I had no idea I had either of these conditions!

As for food choices, it's been extremely hot so I haven't felt like cooking. So I had a frozen burrito for lunch yesterday and I've been having the runs all day today. Not only did the burrito make me sick but I'm losing all the healthy food I ate too. Very bad decision. Take my word for it, food shortcuts are not worth it!

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@gamonI think other posters were able to get the idea of OP working on her health without being rude about it. If they were able to do it, so could you.

Have some tact and respect.

I see this as primarily a health issue (oh and like Lolita I had an -undiagnosed but obvious - eating disorder in my teens and 20s and she made a really interesting and intriguing point about the lingering mindset ). I see this as health because even though I am thin I have genetically high cholesterol.  It’s no fun because I have the potential of meds hovering over me. No meds so far. But it went really high when I was pregnant. I loved my red meat then lol.  So Alex - you’re young. I am not a doctor but I can’t imagine your weight doesn’t come with risky medical issues. And you’d like to get pregnant someday. I made sure to be in as good health as I could when I started trying  to conceive.
To be a healthy weight, good with the healthful food etc. I think it helped and I was still anemic for awhile !!

Get control now so when you’re ready to try to get pregnant you’ll feel so much better knowing your body is ready to handle the challenges and even more - if you take on better habits you’ll find losing the baby weight much easier !

I think the photos of pretty women in all shapes and sizes are pretty irrelevant.  Of course people can look great in all shapes and sizes and heights - yes even shorter men - which I’ve always preferred.

I don’t see that as motivation to treat your body with care now.

Maybe your doctor will say you’re fine. But she’s not going to say that because you look pretty despite being overweight. Just like when I was 40 I looked 30 or younger. But my eggs were still 40. That was the relevant part. 
good luck !

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm just a random person on the internet, so that's why I strongly recommend seeing your doctor.

I was feeling lethargic and had put on some weight (my brother referred to me as "looking cheesy", nice, huh 🙄 ) so I saw my doctor and she ran some tests. Turns out I have thyroid disease. Hypothyroidism causes your body to have an extremely difficult time losing any weight. It also causes lethargy and even depressed feelings. I also had a gallstone which required me to have my gallbladder removed. I had no idea I had either of these conditions!

As for food choices, it's been extremely hot so I haven't felt like cooking. So I had a frozen burrito for lunch yesterday and I've been having the runs all day today. Not only did the burrito make me sick but I'm losing all the healthy food I ate too. Very bad decision. Take my word for it, food shortcuts are not worth it!

I happen to do very well with a variety of frozen foods and choose carefully but I can’t do deep fried anything. And I’ve cut back on pasta with tomato based sauces etc. I do what a chiropractor on the radio suggests - something raw with every meal. Typically for me that’s avocado and or tomato or cucumber.  Apple slices.  I don’t overdo it on avocado given that it’s so calorie dense.  Also I do eat a few chips but I sub cucumber for chips - meaning I get the crunch I like without the fat and salt etc.  even little changes matter !