Depressed husband pushing me away

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, Mand said:

Maybe that is the case but I have threatened to leave a few times and he talks me out of it, promises he'll change. And he does change for a few days, it never lasts. The last time I said i can't do this anymore, he talked about suicide, this was yesterday, via text

I'm sorry 😕 .. but threats towards other's is a no go.  No matter what he may say. This can't be a reason for YOU to remain.

Many people have done this to try & make their partners feel guilt or a form of control.

Whatever HIS problems are, none of it should be put on YOU.  No, not like this!  

As you can see, he is not 'changing'.  For a few days?>  IF he wants to, he will. ( meaning he will work on trying to improve, stay on or change meds etc). For YOU & this relationship.  IMO, he seems quite negligent towards his 'family'. So, maybe he is just not happy there...?

Either way, yeah, he either shape up or ship out.  But, he has no right to act like this with you.  ( I have an ex who did nothing but drink & hang with friends.  He never really did anything with the kids either.. I could only take that for so long).

 

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, Mand said:

@SooSad33I've told him all this, that he needs his meds reviewed, perhaps altered or changed to a different type. I'll book him the appt in the week, if we're talking by then. He's watching the wrestling in Cardiff next weekend, out for a curry with his friends Friday and going kayaking the following weekend. Also has marbella with his friend next month.. so it's not as if he doesn't have the energy for life. I only want him to eat his dinner with me sometimes. I've given up trying, it's on him. If things don't change I have to leave. X

These are all choices.  He's doing the things that HE wants to do, while avoiding or making excuses not to do all the things he doesn't fancy much.  My ex-partner had ASD and I think you've fallen into the same trap I did, by taking on too much responsibility for him and allowing him to avoid responsibility.  The more you do this, the more he will continue.

Don't book the appointment for him - you're not his mother.  Tell him very clearly that you will not continue in the relationship if he does nothing to improve his situation and make sure he is aware what will happen if he makes the choice not to do anything.  If he chooses to ignore you, then you MUST follow through.  For me, it was only by setting boundaries on what I would tolerate and following through with consequences that made him sit up and realise that it was not acceptable to behave as he did.

 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Mand said:

 I have to push him to spend time with his kids, he just doesn't enjoy it.

This is really sad. 

May I ask, was he excited when you first became pregnant? He sounds utterly uninterested in being a father. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Mand said:

@boltnrun I have threatened to leave a few times and he talks me out of it, promises he'll change.  The last time I said i can't do this anymore, he talked about suicide, this was yesterday, via text. 

Well that is how an abuser keeps you hooked into being his personal slave so he can party, drink, vacation with friends and play games. That's not the depression that's the dysfunctional dynamic of this marriage.

Your post is misleading in that you falsely ascribed his checked out behaviors to depression. He may be depressed but that's not the problem here.

Threatening divorce will never change anyone. Talking at someone will never change anything.

It's time to take care of yourself and your children. Skip the wine and contact an attorney before he drinks and parties away your kids futures.

 

[Mand]

@Andrina

@Wiseman2

Thank you for your reply.

He has a loan which he took out to pay his previous credit cards- he spends a lot of money on himself, granted he paid for our holiday on it aswell and a few other bits and pieces. He has a new credit card too, prob about 12 grand in debt in total, all in his name. I don't have a credit card and only owe on our mortgage, sofa and boiler which is a joint thing. Although I'd feel bad him having all that debt on his own when he has used some of that money on us and our needs too so i would contribute a bit if we were to call it a day.

Yeah I reckon he'd have the kids 1-2 nights a week.

He's not a terrible person, he doesn't yell at me, we don't argue really, and when we do it's never in front of the kids. He is not violent, not a drunk, he doesn't cheat, or at least I've never had any suspicions and I trust my gut. He also works hard so I don't have to.

Wanted to throw some positives in there because I'm feeling a bit guilty about this thread etc 😅 

I just feel very neglected. I have never cheated on him and don't plan to but sometimes I imagine my life with someone else whoever that may be.

I do work extra hours when kids at school to bump up my wages but that hasn't changed any dynamics in our house. 

When he is ready for this face to face talk, we will set some rules. Maybe 1 night a week of eating and chilling together, to get to know each other again.

I won't be bringing him up dinner anymore and haven't for a few evenings so far. I'll only make us all a good dinner when I've been off work and he hasnt and he can collect it himself. When both at work, we can eat easy food, when he is off and I am not, it will be his responsibility to cook for us.

Also I've arranged 2 nights out this week with friends, Tues and weds. I have been taking on the advice of all you wonderful people. I've learnt to stop focusing all my energy on him and this marriage and live for myself. Also I'm looking into discovering what my hobby is, other than exercising and I will keep at whatever hobby that is.

 

Thank so much.

[reinventmyself]

What comes to mind is that old Dr Phil saying. "We teach people how to treat us" 

He does all these things because he knows he can, and his behavior is rewarded for it by you not engaging him or insisting on changes.  He knows you have been a lion with no teeth up to this point.  Change may never come or come enough but it's time to get real about this.

Mean what you say and back it up with actions.  This has to shift.  

Adrina's comment "the best way to change someone's behavior is to change your own" is golden.  I went through my own marriage struggles (now divorced) and the hope for change was an uphill battle.  What made things shift to most is when I changed my own behavior and reactions.  At the very least, it changed who I was for the better.  I thank individual therapy for supporting me through it and giving me tools I needed to navigate it and my subsequent divorce.

It sounds like you are on the right path in making some changes.  It's a good start.  

 

[Andrina]

You actually should have your own credit card to build your credit score, (just to pay monthly bills and groceries. Do not overspend), so that you can pay lower interest rates in case you ever need to purchase your own home and/or a vehicle.

As a spouse, you're also probably liable, depending where you live, for his credit card debt, and that might affect your score. You should both see a financial advisor for being smarter about credit card expenditures and getting rid of that debt. In a divorce, they might go after you if he fails to pay on those debts. Don't let him keep getting more and more in debt because that eventually will affect you, divorce or not.

[catfeeder]

If you are legally married, you carry equal responsibility for his debts. An attorney can advise you whether in your location a legal separation can protect you from any further debt he incurs after that.

[smackie9]

The first thing I would do is throw that xbox out the window and tell him he needs to be present in this marriage and to his family's life. It's no different than dealing with an alcoholic, drug addict  someone with a gambling addiction, etc. He needs to see things are gonna get real if he doesn't shape up. Waiting 4 years for improvement is way too long. Seek out legal action if needed.

[jul-els]

He has problems that you are willing to try and understand and work with. You have desires that he doesn’t care about. It’s one sided. You deserve better. If you can’t get on the same page, which is something he has openly expressed no interest in, then you will be left in the position of continuing to give while he continues to take. Great for him, bad for you. You are best served to walk away from this draining relationship.