Depressed husband pushing me away

[Mand]

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8. We have 2 children, a boy aged 7 with high functioning autism and a girl aged 5. We've drifted apart since his depression around 4 years ago. He's on medication and I'm grateful that he's been able to open up to me about it. I need more than what he can give me. He's works hard, 12 hour shifts- day and night shifts and has nothing left in his tank when he gets home. He plays on his xbox most of the time, neglecting me and his children. I work 25 hours a week as a nurse and run the house and am pretty much the only one who parents the kids. I understand because he is depressed and works so much that I should do most/all around the house. I clear up after us all and sort errands, housework etc. I'm exhausted too and feeling low. When I try to have serious conversations with my husband he tries to avoid them, he's always playing games on his phone and rarely looks up from it even when I'm talking to him. He'll text me long messages and I think he feels more comfortable communicating this way. When I bring up needing more from this relationship, I.e eating together sometimes, watching TV together etc, he will often walk away, switch off or say, not tonight. I've got to the point where I've been thinking about leaving him but when I've told him this, he's talked about his depression and how he often thinks about suicide which stops me from acting on it and feeling guilty for bringing anything up. He is able to maintain friends and has started playing football again, goes out for drinks with his friends, hes also going to Marbella with his friend next month. This shows me that he is able to give more to his friends. All I want from him is time, not loads, maybe one night a week, he says he will but then will go on his xbox or watch Netflix upstairs, even during his annual leave. Not sure what advice I need but anyone in the same sort of boat as me?

 

Thanks

 

Mand

[1a1a]

Without the complication of a child but my relationship with the one that I thought was the one ended because he was depressed, and couldn’t meet my needs, so I shoved them on the back burner again and again and again until I couldn’t anymore and then I told him I need this or this ends, and he broke up with me because he didn’t want to try and meet my needs and fail and be left by me in the end anyway. He wouldn’t even seek treatment for his depression. There was no end in sight. 
 

Will your partner seek treatment? Or does he just want to stay where he is stuck and miserable? If the latter I strongly advice you follow through with leaving. You’ll be in the position you’re in now sans the crushing disappointment of unmet expectations and an unsupportive partner. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner for their time. Something has gone horribly off course.

[Lambert]

I went through somehing similar... And I think the excuse of depression was used mostly to manipulate me and keep me around, doing more and more while he was doing less and less.  My needs being ignore and unimportant. Eventually I left. 

The whole threatening suicide to avoid life's problems doesn't sit well with me either.  He should be seeking help and working to do better if not for you, for the kids. 

What about the kids? I'm sure they see this and miss having the attention of their dad.  Our parents teach us what and how relationships/ marriage works. 

in your shoes, I'd talk to an attorney and a therapist.  Start focusing on what you want for your life.  Not how you can change him or what he should do...  he may not do them or change but you can change. you can start a new life.  And that begins by figuring out what it is that you want. 

You deserve better than this.  BTW what is marabella? is this a guy's trip? 

[Mand]

Thank you for your reply. This is what concerns me, being in this exact position year after year. Time is precious. I do love him and he tells me he loves me but actions speak louder. He's on medication, if I booked him an appt with the gp, he'd go so maybe that's the next step. I just sometimes feel that he uses the depression as an excuse because can make the time and effort with his friends but not me. Xx

[Mand]

@LambertI do sometimes think it could be manipulation, like he picks and chooses when hes depressed. I know he has it, but I think he might play on it sometimes. 

Sorry you've been through it too, well done on having the strength to leave. 

Marbella is a place in Spain, he's going with one of his friends. His parents have a villa there so we can often go when we want. 

You're right about focusing on myself, I spend a lot of my time focusing on how to save our marriage and feeling sad about it. He spends no time worrying about it. I know I need to get out more and see my friends and look after myself more. 

I worry about leaving him for many reasons, one being my eldest has autism and any slight change will affect him. Leaving his dad may need to happen but I wouldn't be able to afford our home on my wages alone. I think I need to seek support from a mortgage advisor too.

 

Thanks so much

 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Mand said:

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8. We have 2 children He plays on his xbox most of the time, neglecting me and his children. I bring up needing more from this relationship, I.e eating together sometimes, watching TV together etc, he will often walk away, switch off or say, not tonight.

Sorry this is happening. It's good he's seeing his physicians and getting treatment. However this is checked out behavior. You can't fix or change him. Don't make excuses for a manchild. . 

However you can take better care of yourself. Stop overworking and babying him.

Only cook, clean, shop, do laundry for yourself and your children. Stop being his maid. When he goes hungry, he'll have to put the phone down and do something. When he has no clean underwear, he'll have to get off the Xbox and do laundry. Stop enabling his laziness and complacency.

 Be out much more. Visit friends and family. Go places with the kids. Take some classes and courses. Volunteer. Join some  groups and clubs.

Stop begging him. Just be mysterious and busy. Stop talking at him or pampering him or enabling him. Just make the suggested changes and do it. That will get his attention and shift this dynamic.

He certainly has time for games, friends and probably other women. He is completely checked out and cruelly shuts you out and doesn't care. Don't pamper that.

[itsallgrand]

How many hours is he working in a week? 12 hour shifts that bounce from days to nights are absolutely exhausting. And you mention this has been going on roughly four years, about the time you added a second child to the family.

To me, it sounds like he is overwhelmed and exhausted. So he retreats . What kind of partner was he in the early days?

Any chance he can change jobs to something less intense? 

[MissCanuck]

You say he's on medication for his depression, but is he also receiving any counselling?

If not, he is only really being partially treated. Medication cannot address the underlying causes of his issues. I would follow @Wiseman2's advice and stop doing all the work for him.  Start rediscovering your own life. There is zero reason he can't be alone with his own children for a few hours while you do something for yourself or see your friends. Think of it as medication for your soul. 

I would also tell him how serious this is for you and that you can't continue this way. Thus, a different approach is necessary or you won't have any choice but to re-evaluate the marriage. If he mentions suicide, call emergency services. Show him this is extremely serious and you will act on such threats.  If he actually does need care for suicidal ideation, then this will be his chance. If he using this just a means to make you stay, he may think twice before trying that again once he's got emergency services at the door to answer to. 

[Mand]

@Wiseman2 i will most definitely try those things. Anything he leaves on the floor will go in his little games room that he retreats to, for him to sort out himself. I will stop bringing his dinner up to him and stop asking for his attention. He prob sees me as a nagging partner and tries to avoid me as a result. 

He's not the cheating type plus i don't think he has the energy. He's more interested in gaming or drinking with his mates. We are still intimate but often it's random, most likely he's come downstairs or upstairs (often we are in different rooms) to try it on, no effort beforehand. I will refuse if not in the mood.

I'm going to do more for myself and stop thinking and focusing on this marriage. 

Thank you

[Mand]

@MissCanuck

No counselling at all. Whenever I've brought it up, he says it won't benefit him, talking therapy would be his worst nightmare. He can't even talk to me about serious things, unless in a text. He definitely needs another gp review though. I think I've let him get away with so much in the past that there are no boundaries now. You give an inch and they take a mile.

I do think he is capable of suicide, but I need him to know I will take it serious if he threatens with it.

 

Thank you x

[Mand]

@itsallgrand thanks for your reply. He loves his job, I've suggested him changing for better hours but he doesnt want to. He does 2 days, 2 nights, 4 days off in that pattern. Every 2- 3 months he gets 18 days off but he often does overtime. 

I think we as a family overwhelm him. We have an older boy with autism, and his sister often copies his behaviours and I'm the type that wants everything done yesterday, prob adhd. I definitely hold back around him and try to give him a calm environment when he gets home. X

[itsallgrand]

7 minutes ago, Mand said:

@itsallgrand thanks for your reply. He loves his job, I've suggested him changing for better hours but he doesnt want to. He does 2 days, 2 nights, 4 days off in that pattern. Every 2- 3 months he gets 18 days off but he often does overtime. 

I think we as a family overwhelm him. We have an older boy with autism, and his sister often copies his behaviours and I'm the type that wants everything done yesterday, prob adhd. I definitely hold back around him and try to give him a calm environment when he gets home. X

Ahhh, so he won't even consider switching his work pattern.

Yeah, my mind immediately thought this is less about being medically depressed and more about him hating the reality of having the responsibilities of kids. Especially with a high needs child in the mix. Not everyone who has kids rises up to parenting , some just like the idea of the family at home and when faced with the reality check out.

 

[Mand]

@itsallgrand yeah I did think he'd be different and maybe a fun dad. Right from the start after having our eldest, 7 years ago, he wasn't hands on at all. The more i think about it, i realise, housework wasnt his thing when we first got together either. He is quite a selfish person in general. But somewhere in me knows he loves me but it isn't enough.

X

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Mand said:

He is quite a selfish person in general. But somewhere in me knows he loves me but it isn't enough

Sadly the drinking is not helping and someone who is basically a heavy drinker, manchild and this entitled would not benefit from talk therapy. In fact the drinking s undermining any medical therapy because alcohol in itself is a depressant.

He's costing along and treating you as a servant. Yes. Say nothing more and do nothing more for him. Read up on enabling. Google "Al-Anon". It's a support and info site for loved ones of problem drinkers.

[reinventmyself]

I wouldn't consider leaving unless I've tried everything first.  Get yourself into individual counseling for support first. Have a come to Jesus moment with him and tell him he needs go to because things will not continue this way.  From there, if you are fortunate, you both get into couples therapy. 

At the very least you will look back with no regrets and reassurance you did everything on your part.

This just isn't sustainable.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Mand said:

Right from the start after having our eldest, 7 years ago, he wasn't hands on at all. The more i think about it, i realise, housework wasnt his thing when we first got together either. He is quite a selfish person in general. But somewhere in me knows he loves me but it isn't enough.

Does he spend any time with the children, of his own volition? Without any nudging from you? 

(And I don't mean for the basics bathing or feeding, though it sounds like that's mostly on you anyway) 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Mand said:

He's on medication and I'm grateful that he's been able to open up to me about it. I need more than what he can give me. He's works hard, 12 hour shifts- day and night shifts and has nothing left in his tank when he gets home. He plays on his xbox most of the time, neglecting me and his children. I work 25 hours a week as a nurse and run the house and am pretty much the only one who parents the kids. I understand because he is depressed and works so much that I should do most/all around the house. I clear up after us all and sort errands, housework etc. I'm exhausted too and feeling low. When I try to have serious conversations with my husband he tries to avoid them, he's always playing games on his phone and rarely looks up from it even when I'm talking to him.

aww that is rough on all of you 😕 

He is on meds?  Has he noted any change- like positive?  Does me maybe need a med change or increase?  I never found anti depr helpful ( though anxiety meds did & mood stablizers) - we're all wired differently.

Another factor is possibly his 'work shifts', that can surely mess someone up 😕 . Did so to my ex.. Best thing is to be able to work normal shifts, either days or nights.  Is he able to see about changing this- for his own mental health.

Sounds like he's just miserable, especially around home - not good. Especially showing how he can & will go out with his buddies....

AND to have this all now building up on you *sigh*  😕 .

You are pulling all the weight here by sounds of it.... I'd consider having a real heart to heart talk with him ( no phone texting) .  Have him understand that this all needs to change or you just can't continue!

 

[Mand]

@Wiseman2he drinks some nights but not loads, maybe a couple. When he's out with his friends he gets very drunk.

I'm not pushing him for the talk. He's on a night shift tonight and we haven't spoke since last night, when I text saying, I think we need a proper talk and he replied with, I'm going to sleep so I send a thumbs up emoji and left it as that. I'm not chasing. He knows where I am. X

[Mand]

@SooSad33I've told him all this, that he needs his meds reviewed, perhaps altered or changed to a different type. I'll book him the appt in the week, if we're talking by then. He's watching the wrestling in Cardiff next weekend, out for a curry with his friends Friday and going kayaking the following weekend. Also has marbella with his friend next month.. so it's not as if he doesn't have the energy for life. I only want him to eat his dinner with me sometimes. I've given up trying, it's on him. If things don't change I have to leave. X

[Mand]

@MissCanuck I have to push him to spend time with his kids, he just doesn't enjoy it. He'll chat with them for 5 mins or so when he gets home from work but he definitely neglects them. Now and again we will go to the park together. Not long been to Spain together but he let me parent while he relaxed most of the time. I knew that would be the case. It's always just expected of me. I know I only work 25 hours a week but it's not as if I'm a stay at home mum, he needs to pull his weight, even if only 10 percent. And yes I do the bathing, feeding, all that stuff x

[boltnrun]

He's not that depressed if he's able to make all those plans with his friends.

I'm speculating he wants a divorce but doesn't want to be perceived as the "bad guy".  So he's hoping you leave him. That way he can play victim and claim he has no idea why you divorced him.

Think about what your children are learning about relationships and marriage.  Then ask yourself if you'd want your kids to have a marriage like yours.  If not, you can start taking steps to extricate yourself, starting with consulting an attorney (not filing for divorce, just getting advice) and seeing a counselor or therapist individually.

[Mand]

@boltnrunI know what you're saying. Maybe that is the case but I have threatened to leave a few times and he talks me out of it, promises he'll change. And he does change for a few days, it never lasts. The last time I said i can't do this anymore, he talked about suicide, this was yesterday, via text. Its so tricky, we've both been working since Thurs and he's on nights tonight and I'm on a day shift tomorrow. I'm going to forget about it all tonight and have a glass of wine and put some comedy on. Thanks x

[Wiseman2]

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[Andrina]

Just letting you know I feel for you, as I experienced something similar in my first marriage, although he was a more involved father than your husband.

My first piece of advice is to never have major discussions over text. Just wait until it can happen in person. 

Communication hasn't worked for you. He knows you're not happy, and doesn't change for the longterm to improve the situation. IMO, that shows he doesn't care enough. You deserve more than breadcrumb love. 

As another poster said, yes, do ask him to attend therapy with you, and if he doesn't, it will show him the seriousness of the situation by making individual appointments for yourself. And then engage in one night out for yourself, once a week when he is off, while he cares for the children. This will get him used to doing so, since I'm assuming he will have partial custody, plus it will show him what life will be like when a divorce happens.

If he's not going to eat with you, don't bring a plate to him if that's your pattern. He can get what he wants out of the fridge and heat it up himself.

Perhaps you can take on more hours at work while the kids are in school, and then tell him he will have to chip in for more chores on his days off, since you have less time on your hands, and if he won't, like other posters have said, stop doing his laundry.

I would also start to separate financial matters, such as taking his name off of your credit cards and take his name off of your bank account if you have it set up like that.

As I've heard, the best way to change someone's behavior is to change your own. But if he doesn't improve, again, it means he doesn't care.

We always want to protect our children, but we can't sacrifice a lifetime of unhappiness to supposedly save them from upset. They will sense the upset of an unhappy parent having to live in an unsuccessful marriage, and that will harm them perhaps even more.

I stayed far too long with my ex for various reasons. But the important thing is that I eventually did leave, which allowed me to be older and wiser with the life experience to choose a far better partner for chapter two of my life.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Mand said:

@boltnrunI know what you're saying. Maybe that is the case but I have threatened to leave a few times and he talks me out of it, promises he'll change. And he does change for a few days, it never lasts. The last time I said i can't do this anymore, he talked about suicide, this was yesterday, via text. Its so tricky, we've both been working since Thurs and he's on nights tonight and I'm on a day shift tomorrow. I'm going to forget about it all tonight and have a glass of wine and put some comedy on. Thanks x

That doesn't sound to me like someone who truly wants to change and who is fearful of losing you.  If he really did, he'd do something other than make empty promises.

Suicide is serious.  Next time he threatens suicide or starts talking about it, tell him you will be calling the appropriate authorities to get him the help he obviously needs.  If he's sincere he will benefit immensely from professional help.  If he's just saying that to manipulate you, calling the authorities will convince him to knock it off.

One thing I always ask people is...presuming things will stay EXACTLY AS THEY ARE NOW, how does thirty more years of this sound?  How about 50 more years?  Does that make you feel happy, warm, secure, loved?  Or does it sound more like a nightmare?

Will you at least consult a therapist to help you navigate through this?