We’re 24 hours away… by plane. I’m in love. Help lol

[MainMichaela]

Hi-

im not sure really where else to get advice because this story is unconventional. And long, so I’m so sorry for this book. 
 

i met a man named Nick* on a… naughty website. I don’t want to give too much information. But, everything was anon, and it was just *fun*. We chatted on a forum for a little, and then took it to DM’s on this site. It ends up turning into friendly conversation, and we move off the site to discord where we both have alternative names and it’s still anon. Discord platform was just better. 
 

We talk for weeks. Slowly I learn that he’s also 27, and we have stuff in common. A couple months go by, and he finally gives me his real first name and a selfie. He’s cute! I do the same. 
 

Our unusual way of meeting and the dynamic of how it was, changed to friendship. After a few months, he admitted that he’s never met someone with the same interest, etc. he gives me his Snapchat (this isn’t going to be a catfish story, I swear haha). We Snapchat frequently but I only know his first name still. Eventually he tells me his full name, and he gives me his Facebook. He respected boundaries, and told me I was not obligated to give him my name, or any personal information. 
 

But, after heavily vetting his Facebook, I do. We add each other. It’s been a year and some change now since we have “met”. 
 

I live in Maine (US) and he lives in Perth (Australia). So, I think we both never thought it would go any further than a nice chat. 
 

Well, our discord video chats we do once every few weeks turns into once a week, which turns into daily. 
 

yall, I am desperately in love with this man. I know it sounds insane. Because i was with my ex for 5 years. I know there’s so much to learn about someone, and online is only a small part. But, I KNOW it. I’ve never shared so much of my heart and soul and thoughts to anyone. 
 

If someone were to ask me over a year ago if you could fall in love over the internet, I would’ve laughed. Because it’s a crazy concept. 
 

We’re both not socially awkward, we have friends, we both have successful jobs, we’re both attractive. It’s not like I don’t know how to make a connection in real. That’s how I know i truly want this man. 
 

we recently exchanged care packages, and it was the most thought gift ive ever received, I sobbed. 
 

So here is my dilemma- I’m terrified. We both have admitted that we want more at some point. We started planning a meet up depending on how much time he can get off (recently started a new job. Not much PTO). We were trying to meet halfway, but his work schedule is intense right now. He did offer to pay for my plane ticket if I flew to Aus, and I would just rent the Airbnb. 

 

(I promise he’s not a serial killer).
 

for whatever reason, today I’m having the overwhelming urge to just push him away because I am so scared. Because after 5 years of dating someone, my ex NEVER has made me feel like this. And no, my ex wasn’t crappy. He wasn’t a bad boyfriend and this Nick* isn’t a rebound coping method.
 

What do I do? Does someone want to talk some sense into me? Should I just end our situationship and just deal with the heartbreak? I haven’t talked about this with anyone because I know everyone will think I’m nuts. My best friend knows, and she told me to go for it. 
 

 

[SooSad33]

You keep mentioning your ex ( of 5 yrs).  Was this a recent BU with you two before you met up with Nick?

Just wondering, because sometimes when we find someone 'new', it's all so great , like a breath of fresh air! ( so do tread carefully, because all you two have done is talk- have never met..yet). And yeah, of course it's all so great in the beginning- like honeymooon stage.

I will not say long distance relations never work out.  They can.. but yeah, in time you need to figure it out.  like, IS it possible you two can actually work it out?  Is one able to move over time, if it progresses well & interest remains?

From how I see it, the challenge is basically from his end.. Does he have kids?  Do you? ( these are issue's that could end up a challenge in the end).

And please do not agree to just 'move' over there after your first meet or a meet after that.. take your time to get to know him well enough ( his lifestyle, his attitude, his hobbies etc)!  Like I said, is the honeymoon phase.  You still have no idea what the guy is like to be around.. If he's got a rough past... Do you know much about his history with relationships?

I will be honest, I was at one point led on for a litle too long with some guy who was not honest with me about his name etc... and I fell for him 😕 .. I did go meet him but it wasn't there.  I went back home & our communication faded off.

I feel, If you've been talking etc a good amt of months at least, then yeah, consider actually meeting, if you both feel you want to do this.

 

[MissCanuck]

Ask yourself how realistic a prosepct this is. 

Let's say you go to him and have a wonderful time. Then what? You're on the other side of the world. It's going to be very hard to meet again, from the sounds of it. An LDR of this distance requires not only a lot of time but also money to keep it going. Are you both in a position to devote the finances to it? Because you will probably find that meeting only once or twice a year eventually won't be enough. 

Conversely, let's say you go and discover there's not much connection in person. Or he doesn't feel it with you. Will you be able to close the door on this and move on, with no hard feelings? My concern would be that you have built this up so much in your mind that anything that doesn't jive in person would be terribly hard to bear. 

If you can afford the accommodation without eating up savings, perhaps give it a shot and meet. But keep perspective and keep your expectations in check. It may be wonderful, or it may fall totally flat. It may lead to further heartache if you two can't sustain it. Be honest with yourself if you'd be able to accept that emotionally. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, MainMichaela said:

 My best friend knows, and she told me to go for it.

Go for what, exactly? You don't have any vacation time or money to travel.

Cut your losses and date single local available men in person.

[Kwothe28]

Its a fantasy, OP. In reality, you dont know how other person is. You think you do because you built a fantasy in your head. How other person is perfect, how you are made to be together, all that stuff. In a reality, its always far from that. Spend a few weeks with that person and I am certain you would see how he really is. And that its probably not so idylic. You said he isnt a serial killer. You dont know that. Because you havent spent time with him aside of exchanging few words over computer or phone. I mean he probably ist a serial killer. But you get what I want to say and how you dont know stuff like that.

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, MainMichaela said:

Hi-

im not sure really where else to get advice because this story is unconventional. And long, so I’m so sorry for this book. 
 

i met a man named Nick* on a… naughty website. I don’t want to give too much information. But, everything was anon, and it was just *fun*. We chatted on a forum for a little, and then took it to DM’s on this site. It ends up turning into friendly conversation, and we move off the site to discord where we both have alternative names and it’s still anon. Discord platform was just better. 
 

We talk for weeks. Slowly I learn that he’s also 27, and we have stuff in common. A couple months go by, and he finally gives me his real first name and a selfie. He’s cute! I do the same. 
 

Our unusual way of meeting and the dynamic of how it was, changed to friendship. After a few months, he admitted that he’s never met someone with the same interest, etc. he gives me his Snapchat (this isn’t going to be a catfish story, I swear haha). We Snapchat frequently but I only know his first name still. Eventually he tells me his full name, and he gives me his Facebook. He respected boundaries, and told me I was not obligated to give him my name, or any personal information. 
 

But, after heavily vetting his Facebook, I do. We add each other. It’s been a year and some change now since we have “met”. 
 

I live in Maine (US) and he lives in Perth (Australia). So, I think we both never thought it would go any further than a nice chat. 
 

Well, our discord video chats we do once every few weeks turns into once a week, which turns into daily. 
 

yall, I am desperately in love with this man. I know it sounds insane. Because i was with my ex for 5 years. I know there’s so much to learn about someone, and online is only a small part. But, I KNOW it. I’ve never shared so much of my heart and soul and thoughts to anyone. 
 

If someone were to ask me over a year ago if you could fall in love over the internet, I would’ve laughed. Because it’s a crazy concept. 
 

We’re both not socially awkward, we have friends, we both have successful jobs, we’re both attractive. It’s not like I don’t know how to make a connection in real. That’s how I know i truly want this man. 
 

we recently exchanged care packages, and it was the most thought gift ive ever received, I sobbed. 
 

So here is my dilemma- I’m terrified. We both have admitted that we want more at some point. We started planning a meet up depending on how much time he can get off (recently started a new job. Not much PTO). We were trying to meet halfway, but his work schedule is intense right now. He did offer to pay for my plane ticket if I flew to Aus, and I would just rent the Airbnb. 

 

(I promise he’s not a serial killer).
 

for whatever reason, today I’m having the overwhelming urge to just push him away because I am so scared. Because after 5 years of dating someone, my ex NEVER has made me feel like this. And no, my ex wasn’t crappy. He wasn’t a bad boyfriend and this Nick* isn’t a rebound coping method.
 

What do I do? Does someone want to talk some sense into me? Should I just end our situationship and just deal with the heartbreak? I haven’t talked about this with anyone because I know everyone will think I’m nuts. My best friend knows, and she told me to go for it. 
 

 

Respectfully, you seem a bit emotional and have referenced your ex a few times. Heal from your last break up and be wary of online romances. You can live with someone and still not know that person so don’t be so naive.   Be wary of anyone who volunteers to be in an overseas romance. 

Are you still living with your ex or is he still in the picture? 

[MainMichaela]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go for what, exactly? You don't have any vacation time or money to travel.

Cut your losses and date single local available men in person.

Just to clarify, I have 8 weeks of PTO & I am blessed to be able to WFH when needed. I make around $120,000 a year. My job pays for housing. 

Nick* just started a new job and he’s an engineer. Money isn’t the issue for him, he just doesn’t want to request off work as soon as he started. 
 

Money or time isn’t the issue for me. 

[MainMichaela]

37 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Respectfully, you seem a bit emotional and have referenced your ex a few times. Heal from your last break up and be wary of online romances. You can live with someone and still not know that person so don’t be so naive.   Be wary of anyone who volunteers to be in an overseas romance. 

Are you still living with your ex or is he still in the picture? 

Hi!

thanks for your input. I referenced him just so readers could understand that I’m aware or how an actual relationship is and that I have to experience IRL with a significant other. 
 

There was a year gap of being completely single before I ventured and found Nick. 
 

He is not in the picture, nor do either of us communicate. 🙂

[MainMichaela]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its a fantasy, OP. In reality, you dont know how other person is. You think you do because you built a fantasy in your head. How other person is perfect, how you are made to be together, all that stuff. In a reality, its always far from that. Spend a few weeks with that person and I am certain you would see how he really is. And that its probably not so idylic. You said he isnt a serial killer. You dont know that. Because you havent spent time with him aside of exchanging few words over computer or phone. I mean he probably ist a serial killer. But you get what I want to say and how you dont know stuff like that.

I don’t necessarily think he’s perfect. And I definitely don’t think it will be as amazing as it is in small doses. 
 

But, I’ve seen multiple sides of him. When he’s been upset, frustrated, sad etc. yes, I’m not living a fantasy where I know it would be the exact same in person. 
 

however, speaking from history, do you ever really know someone? People change as soon as they’re comfortable. Online or in person. 
 

you hear of people who get married and all of a sudden their spouse turns possessive and abusive. Meeting in person didn’t prevent that. 
 

Again, I’m not saying this man and I are going to get married, or that it’s going to be in this honey moon phase. But, just a thought. 

[MainMichaela]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Ask yourself how realistic a prosepct this is. 

Let's say you go to him and have a wonderful time. Then what? You're on the other side of the world. It's going to be very hard to meet again, from the sounds of it. An LDR of this distance requires not only a lot of time but also money to keep it going. Are you both in a position to devote the finances to it? Because you will probably find that meeting only once or twice a year eventually won't be enough. 

Conversely, let's say you go and discover there's not much connection in person. Or he doesn't feel it with you. Will you be able to close the door on this and move on, with no hard feelings? My concern would be that you have built this up so much in your mind that anything that doesn't jive in person would be terribly hard to bear. 

If you can afford the accommodation without eating up savings, perhaps give it a shot and meet. But keep perspective and keep your expectations in check. It may be wonderful, or it may fall totally flat. It may lead to further heartache if you two can't sustain it. Be honest with yourself if you'd be able to accept that emotionally. 

Your answer so far has been the best and eye opening. 
 

finances and time isn’t the issue, so yes. I have no hesitation spending the money or time to see him. 
 

To reiterate, he’d buy the plane ticket and I’d book the Airbnb. I’m looking *maybe* 3k for the entire 2 weeks I’d stay. 
 

however, the not jiving part is what is terrifying. If I’m there and it fizzles out, then at least I’m in a beautiful country with a lot to explore. 
 

But, emotionally I dont know if I could handle it. Especially if I still feel the same in person and he doesn’t. 

[MainMichaela]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You keep mentioning your ex ( of 5 yrs).  Was this a recent BU with you two before you met up with Nick?

Just wondering, because sometimes when we find someone 'new', it's all so great , like a breath of fresh air! ( so do tread carefully, because all you two have done is talk- have never met..yet). And yeah, of course it's all so great in the beginning- like honeymooon stage.

I will not say long distance relations never work out.  They can.. but yeah, in time you need to figure it out.  like, IS it possible you two can actually work it out?  Is one able to move over time, if it progresses well & interest remains?

From how I see it, the challenge is basically from his end.. Does he have kids?  Do you? ( these are issue's that could end up a challenge in the end).

And please do not agree to just 'move' over there after your first meet or a meet after that.. take your time to get to know him well enough ( his lifestyle, his attitude, his hobbies etc)!  Like I said, is the honeymoon phase.  You still have no idea what the guy is like to be around.. If he's got a rough past... Do you know much about his history with relationships?

I will be honest, I was at one point led on for a litle too long with some guy who was not honest with me about his name etc... and I fell for him 😕 .. I did go meet him but it wasn't there.  I went back home & our communication faded off.

I feel, If you've been talking etc a good amt of months at least, then yeah, consider actually meeting, if you both feel you want to do this.

 

Hi!

 

no, the breakup definitely was not recent. I was single for about a year when I met Nick. There is no feelings for my ex. I only mentioned it a few times, because I wanted to bring up the fact that I’ve had a “real” in person relationship, and I understand the hardships that go into living with someone building a life together. 
 

currently, the struggles are his schedule because he doesn’t fully have the time to travel to America for longer than a week. 
 

No children, never been married. Same for me. No kids, no husband. For past relationships, he dated someone through his high school and 3 years of college. He said they ended up breaking up because once they went to college and found new hobbies and activities, they just grew apart. Shes super artsy, and free spirited, and into spiritual soul searching now. He’s an engineer, very straight forward, not artsy etc. 

 

He pursued his masters and said he’s dated 2 other women that were more than casual. He harbors no bad feelings, just said it didn’t work out. 
 

I definitely am not moving to Australia anytime soon. But I guess I wanted the reassurance that there COULD be a possibility? 
 

reltionships are hard. IRL or online, so I’m not trying to make this seem like it’s easy. But just any insight or questions that would make me think if it’s right for me is nice. 
 

idk it’s hard to explain. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, MainMichaela said:

currently, the struggles are his schedule because he doesn’t fully have the time to travel to America for longer than a week. 

Would that not be good enough.. for now?

Gives you guys at least some time together... as you have no idea if you can handle more than that with someone 'new'.  And it is like 'breaking the ice'.  You get a taste of being around each other for a little bit- and for real.

Then, if all of that goes well, maybe you can book a vacay a cple months down the road to travel to his country to visit again?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MainMichaela said:

I have 8 weeks of PTO. I make around $120,000 a year.

Ok so go on a vacation, meet and have fun. Bring a friend to stay in the BnB with you and sightsee. Once you meet, your curiosity will be satisfied and you can go back to a normal life dating real-life local men.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, MainMichaela said:

however, speaking from history, do you ever really know someone? People change as soon as they’re comfortable. Online or in person. 

I am an overthinker and have a pretty good read on people so I rarely get surprised by them. Only time I did got surprised is when I did let my guard down from some reason. People rarely change so yes, you can really know someone. Not online by typing a few messages on Discord. But in person. Again, you are just building a fantasy. Spend some time(like a few weeks) with that guy and you will have a pretty accurate read who he is. He would have to be a master manipulator to hide that much or you would have to be too much blinded by him. And I guarantee you its probably not gona be like in your head. That is why you should see him. Because like this, you would just lose time. Possibly on someone who has a completely different life from what he told you. Again, you dont know anything about that guy to confirm his words and what he has told you.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, MainMichaela said:

To reiterate, he’d buy the plane ticket and I’d book the Airbnb. I’m looking *maybe* 3k for the entire 2 weeks I’d stay. 

Yes, I understood that. 

The question is, will you still consider it 3k well-spent if you go there and find out you two aren't a match? If yes, then have at it. 

But still, keep your expectations low. The reality is still that you don't know what he's really like in his day-to-day life, if he smells like cabbage, if he's got an ex or former fling pinging his phone all the time, if he's annoying in real life and so on. Those are things you have no way of knowing until you spend time together. And one meet really won't be enough to understand if there's solid ground to build on. 

Just be cautious with your heart and don't put all your eggs in this basket. 

 

[smackie9]

Just stop getting ahead of yourself. Go, and just plan it as a fun vacation then let the chips fall where they may. Don't get all this crap in your head about the future. Just enjoy the adventure. You are not obligated to him or yourself to make this go forward...nope. Take it day by day. Relax. 

[MainMichaela]

Not really sure how this site works…. Maybe y’all will get the update?

but I’m here to report that….

 

NICK VISITED. I was upfront and told him we should probably end this so we didn’t invest more time because I needed more. 

And more he gave  

It was the loveliest 12 days I’ve ever had. 
 

next stop— australia 🇦🇺 

[catfeeder]

58 minutes ago, MainMichaela said:

Not really sure how this site works…. Maybe y’all will get the update?

but I’m here to report that….

 

NICK VISITED. I was upfront and told him we should probably end this so we didn’t invest more time because I needed more. 

And more he gave  

It was the loveliest 12 days I’ve ever had. 
 

next stop— australia 🇦🇺 

That's terrific news! Thank you for thinking of us and letting us know. EnjOy!

[jul-els]

You’re ‘in love’ with an image created in your psyche via shared screen time.  A fantasy. If you want to meet him in person, go for it, then you can start to get a small idea of who he actually is. I would say don’t let yourself get carried away, but it’s too late.
 

Instead I’ll say dial it back enough to make a logical decision about whether you want to meet him in person. If you decide you do, get rid of your expectations beforehand so you can have the ability approach it clearly and fairly and with a reasonable outlook. 

[jul-els]

6 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Edit: Saw your update. Glad to hear your meeting went well. Sounds like so far so good. 🙂 

[limichelle]

Hi!

 

so I was in a similar experience years ago. I had just gotten out of a decade long relationship. Four months later i by chance online some guy who lived a couple states away. I know it wasn’t far like Australia. I felt this is the Man I will marry! We talked every night and we built up this ‘connection’. 
 

Well we talked for a year and met up. It was a punch in the gut! He looked me up and down and was like nope. I felt the same. 
 

Go to Australia but go for other things. So you’re not feeling like you did the trip for nothing. In case it doesn’t work out. 
 

 

[MainMichaela]

17 hours ago, limichelle said:

Go to Australia but go for other things. So you’re not feeling like you did the trip for nothing. In case it doesn’t work out. 
 

 

Hi! Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that happened to you 😞

 

I did update, he came to the states! It went 10636228 times better than I anticipated. 
 

Australia is next, working on logistics. Trying to get a work from home option for my job for a few months. That way, I can stay as long as a travel visa will let me!