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Two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me.

When we started dating Nov21 the idea was we'd only be together until I moved and although that was fine at first, both of us started to develop feelings, even mention potentially wanting a long term future with children.

There was a point early on where I wasn't sure what he was feeling as there'd been a situation where I'd had my drink spiked at the pub when out with him and his friends which really shook me. I was fine but the following day I needed some space alone to process everything as I was feeling quite fragile. Take that and other times when I'd want time on my own I know he found this difficult and started to question why I needed this time - he just didn't seem to understand. Now I'm talking about a few hours to potter about town on a Sunday and we'd see each other around 3 times a week either just us or with friends so...

There were also other factors. So he has MS and can more or less funny function at the moment but it affects him daily with pain and tiredness which meant workwise he'd chosen a part time role and was living with his parents who argue all the time. His mum also doesn't allow him to do anything and he's criticised for doing things wrong so just just stops trying. She also has major victim mentality and he told me she's dragged him into this saying they're the same - maybe so she's not dealing with it alone. I have a career and am reasonably well paid and independent and knowing he wanted to change his situation and find a full time role I thought I was supporting by sending the odd job and offering to look at his CV. 

He essentially told me I was putting pressure on him so I backed off as the last thing I wanted was for him to feel smothered.

Another thing we'd talked about is money and the fact I'd worked hard for over 14 years to be able to afford nice holidays and trips. He said if he had the money he'd pay for me but initially this made me feel kind of uneasy as I'm happy doing the cheaper things but didn't feel I should pay for everything if it got be be a more pricey break. This one is weird really as this was 'supposed' to be a short term thing but we talked like it wasn't going to be and I don't think that really helped us.

I ended things due to all this confusion and not really knowing what we were doing on top of the fact he was telling me he didn't feel sure about being with me. This was followed by a conversation where he accused me of being unauthentic and not genuine to myself and that'd given him pause to think our values and ways of communication were different as apparently I'm secretive and become defensive when asked questions.

Within a week we'd had a long chat about getting back together but put the breaks on and just enjoy hanging out and not put any kind of pressure or expectation on things as it would still be something short term. Who was I kidding? I loved being with this person - cooking together, hanging out with friends, long walks in the countryside, dinner or drinks dates, games nights, dancing to romantic music in my kitchen. I didn't want it to end and to me there was so much good. It as like were in tune with our emotions in such a strong and connected way I just can't describe it. 

Looking at the other side though, it's like I knew he was possibly feeling inadequate about his life and financial situation and boy did he like to analyse everything, and I mean everything. It got to the point where he'd ask me questions about why i'd chosen him when I could have been with someone who had money. 

Fastforward to near the end of the relationship and he asked to view a message an ex had sent me. We'd split up over a year prior and I admitted I still had feelings for this persson shortly into the relationship. I like to think of myself as a very honest person and he kept telling me I needed to be honest as that's how we build communication and support one another. I'd made it clear there was no way we'd get back together and that still stands today. Regardless, by this point he'd contacted my ex to 'find out' when we'd actually split and if we were still talking which really upset me. 

A week later and we'd booked to go away to a wooden cottage in the hills. We had the best time, it was just magical, the whole thing being away just us in this beautiful place. Cooking on the bbq at night, listening to music on the terrace.

3 days later he turned up at my place and ended it. It didn't completely come from nowhere due to the thing where he'd messaged my ex and to top it off I thought I could have been pregnant which he really struggled to absorb and said he just couldn't cope as if if I was it'd tip him over the edge.

The breakup speech was long so let me bullet point his main points:

- I said I wanted a baby with you but I fantasised about it and actually I don't as I don't believe in bringing a child into this society

- I want to sell all my things, leave my job and my band and disappear

- I'm incredibly unhappy with my life and if one more bad things goes wrong I'm going to have a stroke

- My MS is getting worse

- I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't think you are either 

- I'm anxious most of the time because of our relationship

- I can't talk to you for 3 months so after I leave that's it

I cried during most of this and didn't say too much. I didn't want him to leave and I told him I respected his decision but I didn't agree we should break up.

Fast-forward 7 weeks of no contact and we bump into each other - I'll skip this bit as there is much more to say about the following meeting a further 2 weeks on. So we ended up hanging out as part of a group of friends the weekend just gone. He walked me home and essentially told me the following:

- I'd been defensive in the relationship as I didn't answer his questions (sometimes I did feel attacked or like he was trying to find a character flaw in me I can't really describe it)

- Again I'm not genuine, honest and authentic

- I'm a puppeteer and he's my puppet

- You have a huge ego

- I'm madly in love with you and was bed ridden for days and got told off by my boss

- I wish I didn't love you but I do

- You didn't wish me happy birthday or show up to my gig (why would I when he broke up with me)

- I needed you to find me after we broke up to show me and prove your love to me and I would have gotten back together with you

- I want to get back with you but I don't as well and I want you to consider staying living here to prove you really love me (I said no I was still leaving as it was something I'd been planning on for a long time)

He wanted sex and truth be told so did I but it just felt like if I did it I'd lose my dignity after he said (and believes) all these things about me.

He left which was incredibly hard for both of us (it took about 45 mins to let each other go) and now I'm just confused and sad. I still love him but how can I even begin to understand what's going on with him here. I want to see him so badly and just talk but it's like I'm no therapist or psychologist and I can't just sit there and say he's wrong about so many things. I've said in the past I disagree and I know I had been defensive at certain points as like I said I'd be questioned about a lot of stuff I just saw as irrelevant and I'd never been questioned like that so it just didn't feel comfortable to be fired questions.

I don't know what to do, I just don't know.

Please help me to try to understand this.

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This is way too confusing for me but at the bottom line, it's simple:  You and he dated for a while, you developed feelings, but you are absolutely not compatible and it sounds like each of you have a lot you're dealing with individually, so it didn't work out.

You dated for 4 months and you've been broken up for 2 months.  It's not healthy for you to be going over the details of all the perceived hurts and misunderstandings (tbh I couldn't read all of them) at this stage.  Look ahead and leave this chapter of your life  behind.  

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24 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This is way too confusing for me but at the bottom line, it's simple:  You and he dated for a while, you developed feelings, but you are absolutely not compatible and it sounds like each of you have a lot you're dealing with individually, so it didn't work out.

You dated for 4 months and you've been broken up for 2 months.  It's not healthy for you to be going over the details of all the perceived hurts and misunderstandings (tbh I couldn't read all of them) at this stage.  Look ahead and leave this chapter of your life  behind.  

You're right, I know this deep down its just never having been in this situation it's like how can something so right also be so wrong! Thanks again.

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24 minutes ago, Eahlswith said:

it's like how can something so right also be so wrong

because the heart wants what the heart wants. 

But that's where logic and common sense have to step in.  It's ok to wish things were different but they're not. Just like anything else in life when the situation doesn't work, move on with your life. Take time to heal from it. deal with being disappointed but also have hope and faith that your journey gets better down the road. 

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So you basically dated about 9 mos?

As mentioned, you two are not compatible.  Of course you don't want to see it how it really is when you've 'caught feelings'.  You more want to try to see the good in it all. ( denial).

HE was basically admitting & showing how insecure he is and also his mistrust towards you.  This will never work - so that kind of relationship will fail, sorry 😕 .

Is time to just walk away and work on accepting what is. So, no contact, no begging, nothing!

You are supposed to move away?  Focus on that now.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Eahlswith said:

he has MS and can more or less funny function at the moment but it affects him daily with pain and tiredness which meant workwise he'd chosen a part time role and was living with his parents who argue all the time. I thought I was supporting by sending the odd job and offering to look at his CV. 

Sorry this happened. You were incompatible and mismatched. He's disabled and his parents are his caretakers, so it is what it is. keep in mind MS has neuropsychiatric affects as well as what you see as far as physical disabilities.

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My heart goes out to you. It's probably best not to rehash the good memories, because even the worst relationships have had some stellar moments. And those are what we tend to glamorize over time.

No relationship is all-good or all-bad, but when the bad stuff isn't even tolerable without a complete smash-down of one's own goals and values, there's really nowhere left to go.

I'd lean into grieving, and I'd make it my private goal to surprise myself with how quickly I can bounce back from this. I'd take from this the self-knowledge that I BOND when I'm sexual, so trying to fool myself by playing 'casually' with anyone is a setup for my own heartbreak.

Some people are best loved from far away.

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

So you basically dated about 9 mos?

As mentioned, you two are not compatible.  Of course you don't want to see it how it really is when you've 'caught feelings'.  You more want to try to see the good in it all. ( denial).

HE was basically admitting & showing how insecure he is and also his mistrust towards you.  This will never work - so that kind of relationship will fail, sorry 😕 .

Is time to just walk away and work on accepting what is. So, no contact, no begging, nothing!

You are supposed to move away?  Focus on that now.

 

 

I go through various emotions are part of the grief cycle and right now it’s denial as you say. 
 

It’s like on the one hand - before I started to experience his insecurities with things like not being comfortable when I’d want to go home on a night out and he’d have to come with me as he wouldn’t stay out alone, or when he ate what I ate ‘because it was easier’ when I would have made him something different for breakfast, it was easy, one of the easiest relationships I’d ever experienced.

 

I know there is no way back only forward for me. But the hurt knowing he’s created this super negative view of me which I know I’m my heart is almost all false makes me incredibly sad. 

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would be so turned off by this guy. What a punk. 

He is demeaning and manipulative. I would not want a person like this in my life in any capacity, and you already know all the reasons you two will never work as a couple. 

It's time to block him everywhere so you can close this door. 

Thank you so much for this. It was hard to let go right at the end but after telling me what an awful person I am but could we still ‘hook up’ I was like this is nuts how could I even contemplate spending time with him 

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You were incompatible and mismatched. He's disabled and his parents are his caretakers, so it is what it is. keep in mind MS has neuropsychiatric affects as well as what you see as far as physical disabilities.

Sadly his parents don’t know how to give him the care he needs, that was evident very early on, and he has very few family or friends to lean on. The MS was not a concern for me, I know friends with MS so I understand it a little. Still I can’t imagine what he must be feeling 

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You are confused because you were dating a chaotic person. Basically a "manchild" who, whether its because his condition or is just like that, doesnt know what he wants. He gets all lovey dovey with you and everything is good, then he decides he doesnt want kids and breaks up, then he suddenly remembers he loves you and wishes you are in contact with him to go to his gig(let me guess, he has a very unsuccessful rock band lol). In a situation like that, its no wonder you are confused. Move where you were planning to be. And just forget about this one. It was very disfunctional thing that you should have cut the second you saw how chaotic he is. Not to mention when somebody literally spiked your drink. 

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20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are confused because you were dating a chaotic person. Basically a "manchild" who, whether its because his condition or is just like that, doesnt know what he wants. He gets all lovey dovey with you and everything is good, then he decides he doesnt want kids and breaks up, then he suddenly remembers he loves you and wishes you are in contact with him to go to his gig(let me guess, he has a very unsuccessful rock band lol). In a situation like that, its no wonder you are confused. Move where you were planning to be. And just forget about this one. It was very disfunctional thing that you should have cut the second you saw how chaotic he is. Not to mention when somebody literally spiked your drink. 

Hey, Thank you for your message. I've also been told he has an identity crisis so I guess regardless of what 'it' is we were never going to work. YES he's in a metal band and so far it seems to be doing quite well but yeah he said he kept looking at the door hoping I'd show up! I can't say I didn't find it dysfunctional early on,I did, but I chose to ignore it as the good between us was so good I thought as we got to know each other everything else would just slot into place but there was so much more going on in his head I didn't see until the end and even now he wants us to get back together even if only until I move which isn't something I can do. Time to accept and move on with my life.

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