Ex Girlfriend ended things because she needs space to love herself

[trepboy123]

Hello all,

I'm in a really tricky place after the love of my life ended things to learn to love herself without validation from a boy. Im 26 and she is 23 and she broke up with me a month ago. It was one of the most painful days of both our lives, we were both crying our eyes out. She insists that she still loves me and hopes that once we have grown as individuals, we can rekindle a new relationship. She has told me to move on and embrace myself and see what else is out there because she doesn't want to hold me back. I believe every word she is saying because of how honest she is and because she as never really spent anytime single. She has told me she still loves me and believes that if we are meant to be we will find our way back to each other.

I'm aware that this may seem like a classic case of the exgirlfriend coming up with excuses but its more complicated than that because er mental health is not perfect and I don't disagree that we both have room for growth as individuals. However, I want her back and im confused as to how to best go about this.

Any advice or success stories would be greatly welcomed, 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

However, I want her back and im confused as to how to best go about this.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, you'll have to give her the space she needs. 

[trepboy123]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, you'll have to give her the space she needs. 

So completely no contact?

[MissCanuck]

This is just the softer version of "it's not you, it's me."

She doesn't want to hurt you, but no woman who saw you in her future would tell you to embrace whatever else (and therefore whomever else) might be out there. It sounds as though she has outgrown the relationship and is having trouble being honest that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. 

I am sorry. I know it hurts. It would be wise to assume you're both closing this chapter and will eventually move on to others who are better suited to both of you. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is just the softer version of "it's not you, it's me."

She doesn't want to hurt you, but no woman who saw you in her future would tell you to embrace whatever else (and therefore whomever else) might be out there. It sounds as though she has outgrown the relationship and is having trouble being honest that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. 

I am sorry. I know it hurts. It would be wise to assume you're both closing this chapter and will eventually move on to others who are better suited to both of you. 

This is total nonsense.  A person can respect himself or herself AND enjoy getting loving attention from a romantic partner or a parent or a close friend.  It's not either or nor does someone need space from a romantic partner for this reason.  A person who feels he or she is depending too much on another person for validation and wants to find a way to feel self-respect would never leave the other person to do this if the person valued his/her relationship.

Rather, the person who valued his or her relationship and also wanted to improve with personal growth would look to resources that would help that goal. That person might: do volunteer work, read self-help books, get involved with his/her religious community, see a therapist, make friends with people who inspire him or her to act in a self sufficient or confident manner, etc.  But a person who values his or her partner would never risk even suggesting that the relationship must end so that he/she can pursue self-love.  

Similar nonsense about fate.  Please.  A person who values his or her relationship would never risk relying on "fate" to "find your way back" and risk losing their special someone to someone else.  

She's being "honest" about not wanting to be with you.  She is being honest about wanting space from you.  She is being honest about feeling uncomfortable about how much she depends on you to feel desirable.  But it boils down to -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If she valued you and your relationship it would cause her much more pain to leave you than the pleasure of what she says is being able to learn to love herself only by being apart from you? Please.  She'd maybe consider this but she wouldn't choose to actually do it.  

Know that it's highly likely within a month you will see her dating or trying to date others or pursuing others if you stay connected on social media.  So give her twice the space she seems to need and let her pursue her lofty goal of learning to love herself without getting validation from you.  Don't worry yourself -just accept that her psychobabble nonsense is -even if she is lying to herself -that she's just not valuing you enough to stay with you.  And who wants that?

[Rose Mosse]

56 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

Hello all,

I'm in a really tricky place after the love of my life ended things to learn to love herself without validation from a boy. Im 26 and she is 23 and she broke up with me a month ago. It was one of the most painful days of both our lives, we were both crying our eyes out. She insists that she still loves me and hopes that once we have grown as individuals, we can rekindle a new relationship. She has told me to move on and embrace myself and see what else is out there because she doesn't want to hold me back. I believe every word she is saying because of how honest she is and because she as never really spent anytime single. She has told me she still loves me and believes that if we are meant to be we will find our way back to each other.

I'm aware that this may seem like a classic case of the exgirlfriend coming up with excuses but its more complicated than that because er mental health is not perfect and I don't disagree that we both have room for growth as individuals. However, I want her back and im confused as to how to best go about this.

Any advice or success stories would be greatly welcomed, 

Thank you

She’s not interested. This is still raw so give it time to sink in. She doesn’t want to be with you. 

Growing as individuals is a soft nudge telling you you probably have some growing to do. She’s not talking about herself. 

Let go and close the chapter. You’re still looking for hope and “success stories”. Be careful what you read online especially garbage from dating sites and “get your ex back” scams looking for vulnerable individuals like yourself. Take the time to heal and accept, move forward.

 

[trepboy123]

Yeh for sure i have growing to do, i lost myself in the relationship and wasn't focusing on my career and my friends enough. I know this isnt about wanting to date other people, she has low libido because of anti depressants and isn't interested in anyone else. Im going to focus on myself and my future as she has asked me to do, but couples do get back together sometimes and im not sure why I should give up all hope. She would outright tell me the truth if there was a different reason, thats something only I can know because I know the type of person she is.

[trepboy123]

33 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is just the softer version of "it's not you, it's me."

She doesn't want to hurt you, but no woman who saw you in her future would tell you to embrace whatever else (and therefore whomever else) might be out there. It sounds as though she has outgrown the relationship and is having trouble being honest that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. 

I am sorry. I know it hurts. It would be wise to assume you're both closing this chapter and will eventually move on to others who are better suited to both of you. 

I've heard of girls whho outright say they arent in love anymore and then still go back to their exes? not sure why this has to be so clean cut 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

she has low libido because of anti depressants and isn't interested in anyone else. 

It's not about "giving up hope", it's about giving her space because she sounds overwhelmed and suffocated. Yes work on yourself in the meantime, but step back or you'll lose her for good.

[trepboy123]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

it's not about "giving hope", it's about giving her space because she sounds overwhelmed and suffocated.

Yeh, she definitely is. And i take responsibility for making her feel that way and projecting external issues onto the relationship. My question is, when you say 'space' do you mean no contact? 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

Yeh for sure i have growing to do, i lost myself in the relationship and wasn't focusing on my career and my friends enough. I know this isnt about wanting to date other people, she has low libido because of anti depressants and isn't interested in anyone else. Im going to focus on myself and my future as she has asked me to do, but couples do get back together sometimes and im not sure why I should give up all hope. She would outright tell me the truth if there was a different reason, thats something only I can know because I know the type of person she is.

She may not know the truth.  She knows she does not want to be with you, for whatever reason and the reason she gave seems true to her.  Low libido and anti-depressants mean nothing as far as interest in trying to date other men, flirting with other men, dating other men.  Be prepared for hearing all about this if you choose to stay in contact.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

I've heard of girls whho outright say they arent in love anymore and then still go back to their exes? not sure why this has to be so clean cut 

Not if their ex acts like a doormat and stays in touch and shows them that they're willing to settle for scraps.  It's not a good look and a real turn off.  I married my ex fiancee.  I know I wouldn't have if when we broke up and cancelled our wedding he'd begged to get back together and stayed in touch and let me go on about how much I "loved" him but somehow couldn't remain committed.  

[trepboy123]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not if their ex acts like a doormat and stays in touch and shows them that they're willing to settle for scraps.  It's not a good look and a real turn off.  I married my ex fiancee.  I know I wouldn't have if when we broke up and cancelled our wedding he'd begged to get back together and stayed in touch and let me go on about how much I "loved" him but somehow couldn't remain committed.  

I don't intend to be a doormat, im focusing on myself and havent been in contact for nearly 3 weeks. I didnt beg or plead, i simply said that her happiness was important to me and stepped aside. Im simply asking for your advice, as someone who has rekindled with an ex

 

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, trepboy123 said:

She insists that she still loves me and hopes that once we have grown as individuals, we can rekindle a new relationship. She has told me to move on and embrace myself and see what else is out there because she doesn't want to hold me back.

This is just a classic excuse used as a way of letting you down gently, therefore pay more attention to her actions, rather than her words.

If she wanted to be with you, do you feel she would risk losing you?

[trepboy123]

1 minute ago, HeartGoesOn said:

This is just a classic excuse used as a way of letting you down gently, therefore pay more attention to her actions, rather than her words.

If she wanted to be with you, do you feel she would risk losing you?

Im aware she doesnt want to be with me right now, im simply looking for advice on how I can reattract her down the line.

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, trepboy123 said:

im simply looking for advice on how I can reattract her down the line.

"Reattract" is a word invented by those "get your ex back" scams. There's no such thing.

You're right to give her space with NC for 3 weeks. She knows your contact info, so if/when she wants to talk, she'll contact you.

Definitely work on suffocating someone and being needy or clingy. Why not talk to a therapist about these issues?

[trepboy123]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

"Reattract" is a word invented by those "get your ex back" scams. There's no such thing.

You're right to give her space with NC for 3 weeks. She knows your contact info, so if/when she wants to talk, she'll contact you.

Definitely work on suffocating someone and being needy or clingy. Why not talk to a therapist about these issues?

emotional attraction is 100% fluid, it can come and it can go. I've literally seen it with friends and family and their relationships. Althhougghh i agree thhe ex back people are scammers 

I went through a pretty difficult time with family issues, and projected this on to her. Its never been a trait in past relationships

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

I've heard of girls whho outright say they arent in love anymore and then still go back to their exes? not sure why this has to be so clean cut 

Because those couples usually wind up splitting up again. 

Take it from those of us who are older and have seen how that pans out, dozens of times over. 

[trepboy123]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Because those couples usually wind up splitting up again. 

Take it from those of us who are older and have seen how that pans out, dozens of times over. 

I agree that happens, but also my sister literally married someone after they had a year apart. So it can happen, im not asking for guarentees, im simply asking what i can do to maximise those chances.

[Kwothe28]

Dont take everything people tell you with face value. She found an excuse to broke up with you. That is about it. Everything else about going back together and all. That is just BS talk.

Also, sorry, but it might be just this meme. Dont be surprised if you see her with somebody else soon.

[trepboy123]

you guys are ***ing brutal ahaha 

 

[trepboy123]

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Dont take everything people tell you with face value. She found an excuse to broke up with you. That is about it. Everything else about going back together and all. That is just BS talk.

Also, sorry, but it might be just this meme. Dont be surprised if you see her with somebody else soon.

honestly, if shhe needs to date other guys to realise what we had, then so be it. I can do the same, im a catch myself. I'm confident in the way i treated her aand the bond we had 

 

[boltnrun]

My ex bugged me for five years trying to get me to get back with him. He just annoyed me. I found him ridiculous.

I did reconcile with him, but ONLY after he stopped bugging me.

Side note, we broke up again. For good this time, because he's not the right one for me.

Your ex can't miss you if you're always available to her. So don't be.

And don't take that awful advice from "get your ex back, guarantees!!!111" sites and post pics on social media of you having a great time with other girls. She will see through that if she has even half a brain. Be invisible.

[bluecastle]

So sorry about this. 

I'll meet your story with one of my own, in hopes it offers some perspective. A good while back in my life a woman I was with, and loved very much, broke up with me. Reason? At 27, she said, she had spent most of her adult life in a relationship and, despite loving me very much, needed to know what it was like to be on her own. So, not the same, but similar. 

Crushing stuff. And in the wake of it I was in a version of where you're at right now: turning over every rock, blaming myself for various things, hellbent on finding a way back together. I kept that door open for a good while, with occasional contact with her, occasional blurring of the lines—none of which, in retrospect, was very wise or helpful.

But also, and very much key: I really went on and kept living my life.

Along the way something happened: I stopped thinking about her in the same way, feeling all that. I lived, I loved, and came to really like the person I was becoming and didn't really need her, or anyone, to validate that person. And what I realized—and the reason I'm sharing this—is that this "ending" was just as perfect as the back-together ending I was so, so obsessed with orchestrating when I was in acute pain.    

I don't think what she told me—that she loved me still, but needed x or y—was a lie or her trying to be nice, and I'm sure your ex means it when she says it to you. But where she is right now? It's not wanting to be with you, and that is the important thing to listen to, mourn, and accept. All the thinking and scheming about how to get her back? I know there is real heart and hope behind it, but, speaking for myself looking back, I can see a lot of it was driven by a refusal to accept something very simple and very painful: I was no longer wanted by the person I still wanted. 

Without mourning and accepting that—and without giving yourself the space to do so—you're going to remain stuck and frozen in this place, and in this version of yourself. What version is next? Who will you share that version with? Whether it's her, or someone else, you've got to shed this husk and slip into it to find out. 
 

 

[trepboy123]

9 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

So sorry about this. 

I'll meet your story with one of my own, in hopes it offers some perspective. A good while back in my life a woman I was with, and loved very much, broke up with me. Reason? At 27, she said, she had spent most of her adult life in a relationship and, despite loving me very much, needed to know what it was like to be on her own. So, not the same, but similar. 

Crushing stuff. And in the wake of it I was in a version of where you're at right now: turning over every rock, blaming myself for various things, hellbent on finding a way back together. I kept that door open for a good while, with occasional contact with her, occasional blurring of the lines—none of which, in retrospect, was very wise or helpful.

But also, and very much key: I really went on and kept living my life.

Along the way something happened: I stopped thinking about her in the same way, feeling all that. I lived, I loved, and came to really like the person I was becoming and didn't really need her, or anyone, to validate that person. And what I realized—and the reason I'm sharing this—is that this "ending" was just as perfect as the back-together ending I was so, so obsessed with orchestrating when I was in acute pain.    

I don't think what she told me—that she loved me still, but needed x or y—was a lie or her trying to be nice, and I'm sure your ex means it when she says it to you. But where she is right now? It's not wanting to be with you, and that is the important thing to listen to, mourn, and accept. All the thinking and scheming about how to get her back? I know there is real heart and hope behind it, but, speaking for myself looking back, I can see a lot of it was driven by a refusal to accept something very simple and very painful: I was no longer wanted by the person I still wanted. 

Without mourning and accepting that—and without giving yourself the space to do so—you're going to remain stuck and frozen in this place, and in this version of yourself. What version is next? Who will you share that version with? Whether it's her, or someone else, you've got to shed this husk and slip into it to find out. 
 

 

Thanks, this was actually a very constructive read. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story. At the moment, it is so fresh that i am driven to heal by the hope that we have a future down the line. With each passing day that hope fades and im sure eventually i will reach a point of acceptance and indifference. 

 

Did you ever hear back from her?