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Ex Girlfriend ended things because she needs space to love herself


trepboy123
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30 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

At the moment, it is so fresh that i am driven to heal by the hope that we have a future down the line. With each passing day that hope fades and im sure eventually i will reach a point of acceptance and indifference. 

Sure, I think this will start to serve you well as soon as you can back burner the focus on how to get ex back in favor of a focus on self development, surrounding yourself with loved ones--especially helping friends and family with projects while you 'normalize' in their company--and exploring new interests and your hidden talents.

This is the healing stuff that can 'grow you up' to the higher ground where your ex suggested you might meet again someday, and where you'll gain some hindsight perspective that will serve you regardless of outcomes.

I've never been a fan of trying to crush hope, because I recognize denial and bargaining as natural stages of grief (the 5 are--denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance). I don't like the word 'stages,' because that sounds neat and linear, while each of these 'aspects' of grief are interwoven into cycles that can be very messy and combine in strange ways and repeat themselves until we exhaust them. Sometimes they cycle in a day, sometimes in an hour--for countless days and hours. You don't need to 'master' one aspect in order to grieve 'properly'--and healing takes as long as it takes.

I'd suggest embracing any pain that comes up instead of trying to squelch it. IMO, healing happens faster and more thoroughly when you can allow yourself some boo-hoo's with a tissue box now and then. AND you won't find yourself coming out sideways in unexpected incidents.

I believe that hope CAN be used to ween us back into productive and resilient living. As long as we can let go of obsession with it, we can grow an ability to 'see' from a new perspective that we cannot fathom just yet.

This will serve you if ex ever wants to reconcile, or not. It's a win/win to stretch your focus beyond that one single event in order to learn what YOU can become while solo.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Sure, I think this will start to serve you well as soon as you can back burner the focus on how to get ex back in favor of a focus on self development, surrounding yourself with loved ones--especially helping friends and family with projects while you 'normalize' in their company--and exploring new interests and your hidden talents.

This is the healing stuff that can 'grow you up' to the higher ground where your ex suggested you might meet again someday, and where you'll gain some hindsight perspective that will serve you regardless of outcomes.

I've never been a fan of trying to crush hope, because I recognize denial and bargaining as natural stages of grief (the 5 are--denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance). I don't like the word 'stages,' because that sounds neat and linear, while each of these 'aspects' of grief are interwoven into cycles that can be very messy and combine in strange ways and repeat themselves until we exhaust them. Sometimes they cycle in a day, sometimes in an hour--for countless days and hours. You don't need to 'master' one aspect in order to grieve 'properly'--and healing takes as long as it takes.

I'd suggest embracing any pain that comes up instead of trying to squelch it. IMO, healing happens faster and more thoroughly when you can allow yourself some boo-hoo's with a tissue box now and then. AND you won't find yourself coming out sideways in unexpected incidents.

I believe that hope CAN be used to ween us back into productive and resilient living. As long as we can let go of obsession with it, we can grow an ability to 'see' from a new perspective that we cannot fathom just yet.

This will serve you if ex ever wants to reconcile, or not. It's a win/win to stretch your focus beyond that one single event in order to learn what YOU can become while solo.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, im going to do exactly what is best for me now and level up my life in every aspect! 

My question is, do you recommend strict no contact?

 

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2 minutes ago, trepboy123 said:

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, im going to do exactly what is best for me now and level up my life in every aspect! 

My question is, do you recommend strict no contact?

 

Yes strict no contact.

Those who have reconnected successfully have done so only because they took the time to completely separate, heal, and move on. You can call it growth if you like. They fully let go and reconnected by chance so to speak. If you try to keep on her radar, if you try to reach out this month, next month, etc - you are not allowing for that healing to fully take place and it can lead to resentment and irritation instead.

Growth for your sake, not for her sake. Same applies to her too. She needs to go live, experience what she wants and then if at some point she thinks that ending things with you was a mistake, she has your number. The point is not to wait on that, but to focus on living your best life and being open to everyone it brings, whether that's your ex coming back or someone new and wonderful coming in.

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You didn't ask me and I recommend not having any view of her social media or staying in touch with mutual friends except those who will be 100% cognizant of never mentioning what she is doing/who she is seeing, anything she said.  I don't think that increases chances of her wanting to date you again but if you stay in contact it will hurt you and it will greatly decrease any chances of reconciling, particularly the risk of creating bad history/baggage.  Also she will be turned off/disrespect you for settling for scraps.

Edited by Batya33
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10 hours ago, trepboy123 said:

 im not asking for guarentees, im simply asking what i can do to maximise those chances.

You can't. 

Since she initiated this, it has to come from her. All you can do is proceed as if this break-up is final and go No Contact. 

You don't want to be her buddy when you get wind that she's started dating someone else, when that day comes. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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10 hours ago, trepboy123 said:

emotional attraction is 100% fluid, it can come and it can go. 

Whatever the case. It's time to focus on you. You mentioned you had family problems. 

Do you live at home? Work? Go to school?  Have those issues you overburdened her with resolved.

A GF, especially someone so young and mentally fragile herself can't be your crutch, when you should be addressing your own issues with courage.

Yes. Leave her alone. When someone feels trapped and suffocated it's time to step back.

Certainly more clinging and neediness isn't going to attract anyone. Focus on getting that under control.

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22 hours ago, trepboy123 said:

She insists that she still loves me and hopes that once we have grown as individuals, we can rekindle a new relationship. She has told me to move on and embrace myself and see what else is out there because she doesn't want to hold me back.

Sorry for your pains 😞 

Sadly, I feel when someone says this, they are trying to be nice - but have pulled away for reasons.

Yes, of course she still feels for you, she does not hate you, but she does not want to be involved with you anymore- hard to accept, I know.

IF you two should ever 'try again', often the second time does not work either, for reasons like One is still hurt from the previous BU... and what caused the BU the first time has not been fixed/corrected, etc.  So there's been no changes, etc.

Is best for you to just work on accepting, healing, etc.  Don;t beg or chase.  Respectfully leave her be now.

 

 

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