Girlfriend kissed another girl on a night out!(shes straight!

[Dadtotwinsplusone]

Thanks for taking time to read and help.

Been together with my GF for approx 5 years with a slight break in between. As far as im aware she has been faithful up untill now.

She went for a drink after work with an attractive female colleague who is bi. She mentioned she was only going for one but ended up staying for several. Half way through the evening i get a call from her, she was saying hey and was leaving soon, she then mentioned that this girl has kissed her. I was a bit shocked as you can imagine and asked what kind of kiss do you mean? She stated it was a proper kiss so i took that to be a snog with potentially tongues. She asked if i was okay with it, too which I replied that i think we should talk about it later but dont take it any further. 

The next day she was very defensive about it as soon as we spoke saying “i dont want to talk about it” i probed to try and find out more but all i got out of her was that it was a proper kiss and happened more than once. The girl had tried more and offered to go down on her but she refused. Now to give some context she has kissed girls within her friendship group before we met and does randomly on occasion to which i dont have an issue. She has asked me before would i deem it as cheating should she kissed another girl. Ive said i dont thinks quite the same as kissing another guy but it would depend on the situation.

Later that day i started thinking about the situation more and wanted to speak to her about it because a big part of me feels like she cheated. She backtracked and got defensive saying that ive always said im okay with it and it was only a peck so it doesnt matter and to move on and forget about it.

Ive always had a no nonsense approach to people cheating on me and had ended things with people previously. We have been together a long time and have planned a future together but im in two minds on whether i can movr past this.

ive asked her for some distance and time to think while i process and make a decision!

Any help would be appreciated!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Dadtotwinsplusone said:

Been together with my GF for approx 5 years with a slight break in between. As far as im aware she has been faithful up untill now.

 ended up staying for several.  she then mentioned that this girl has kissed her.

How old is she? What was the at breakup about? Do you live together?  After 5 years what do you mean by "plan a future"? 

Is she a heavy drinker? Is prone to drama? Why did she bother telling you all this? It seems like "shocking" you was the point of that. Or trying to turn you on .

Your relationship seems incompatible and dramatic. 

[indea08]

Ahhhh hangover apologies…been there. I get why she doesn’t want to talk about it, everything that was fun last night is covered with a layer of embarrassment the next morning. Not that that’s fair to you, you deserve to have your questions answered. 

Is your relationship otherwise healthy? Was this truly a one-off?? If so, I personally would probably try to forgive and forget. You wouldn’t be out of line to leave her over it…I just think that dating now days seems so difficult, and if you are truly happy with her otherwise, this could be just a small speed bump in an otherwise happy life.

Maybe sit with it a few days and see what you think?? I’m sorry it happened.

[greendots]

So, had a guy kissed her you'd feel the same way?

Gender is irrelevant. Kissing is kissing. Full stop. And as to who started the kiss is irrelevant as well. She was an active participant, right?

Does this sort of behaviour align with your values? Had you been kissed by a guy would she be forgiving? Those are the sort of questions I'd be asking myself.

[smackie9]

Cheating is cheating. And it's not good when they come up with excuses..no remorse or accountability because she was into it and is trying to dismiss /explain it away like it wasn't a big deal. You got trouble on your hands here.

[Andrina]

I can only speak for myself, in that I'm conservative about monogamy and so is my husband. That's why we don't have arguments about that area in our lives. So for your situation, I wouldn't be with someone who I thought of as experimental and crossing boundaries like intimately kissing anyone else.

And after all these years with you, it sounds like she's big on girls nights out. At some point, when people are in a serious relationship, their activities with friends should change in ways that won't harm their primary relationship. Sounds like she's not the right person you should be taking it to the next level with, since she hasn't figured herself out yet, so how is she going to make a major decision like that? Rocky ground for both of you. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time (as Maya Angelou said).

[waffle]

"She's straight."  

I wouldn't be so convinced of this were I in your shoes.

[spinstermanquee]

Hmmm... dadstotwinsplusone,

Was married for 25 years, during which many many times went out for "girls' night out."  Also many times husband would squire us to club, drop us off, and pick us up after we'd had our fill of dance.  OK I busted myself this was before Uber.

Never once did I kiss a man or a woman or my friend(s) that was/were with me.

Am I an anomaly?

[Jamie425]

On 7/18/2022 at 2:48 PM, Dadtotwinsplusone said:

Thanks for taking time to read and help.

Been together with my GF for approx 5 years with a slight break in between. As far as im aware she has been faithful up untill now.

She went for a drink after work with an attractive female colleague who is bi. She mentioned she was only going for one but ended up staying for several. Half way through the evening i get a call from her, she was saying hey and was leaving soon, she then mentioned that this girl has kissed her. I was a bit shocked as you can imagine and asked what kind of kiss do you mean? She stated it was a proper kiss so i took that to be a snog with potentially tongues. She asked if i was okay with it, too which I replied that i think we should talk about it later but dont take it any further. 

The next day she was very defensive about it as soon as we spoke saying “i dont want to talk about it” i probed to try and find out more but all i got out of her was that it was a proper kiss and happened more than once. The girl had tried more and offered to go down on her but she refused. Now to give some context she has kissed girls within her friendship group before we met and does randomly on occasion to which i dont have an issue. She has asked me before would i deem it as cheating should she kissed another girl. Ive said i dont thinks quite the same as kissing another guy but it would depend on the situation.

Later that day i started thinking about the situation more and wanted to speak to her about it because a big part of me feels like she cheated. She backtracked and got defensive saying that ive always said im okay with it and it was only a peck so it doesnt matter and to move on and forget about it.

Ive always had a no nonsense approach to people cheating on me and had ended things with people previously. We have been together a long time and have planned a future together but im in two minds on whether i can movr past this.

ive asked her for some distance and time to think while i process and make a decision!

Any help would be appreciated!

Yes. You should process. And let her. She is probably very confused. Wondering what it means. Maybe even questioning her sexuality. You might feel shocked, hurt, betrayed. But she might be going through something that's a much bigger deal. Try to be understanding.