What do I do wrong?

[JoyceVib]

Hi guys,

 

Lately Ive been dating and I feel ready for something serious. 

But the times I find a guy I like and find interesting, when I ask at a certain point what their view is on where they stand in being open for a relationship, they say they are not that serious about it.

I dont know where it goes wrong. Last time I met a guy and I never felt a click like that. We matched in personality, hobbies, interest, actually we matched in pretty much everything. He showed a lot of interest in me and my life and planned every date, not many days in between one another. I did notice sometimes he mentioned his ex and when I asked he told me they broke up two months ago. Together, because they found out they werent a match. 

It bothered me a little, I had it before that someone broke up 4 months before (also after 2,5 years of a relationship) and found out while dating me he wasnt over her yet. 

When I started asking he said he was ok about it. He wants to see where things go between us and that he likes me. Also that he doesnt fall in love fast so doesnt know really. And when I mentioned I wanna take things easy he said: "maybe Im more not serious then serious". So I had my answer.

My problem is that I just can really start to like a guy (and this is already hard to find while dating), and when I do finally meet someone I match with, and often a couple of dates ask what they are looking for, so far it has always been "something not serious". 

It tricks me a little, because they show so much interest, without us even having sex, and when I pop the question they back off. 

Am I doing something wrong? I really wonder. Im getting so tired of this dating life.

I always feel after I asked the question on where they stand, from there its a no go. Did I ask too soon (usually around date 3/4)? It really feels like that.

[Stargazer2]

I read a really interesting book years ago called "Love tactics: how to win the one you want", that you might want to read, I see it's still on Amazon.

It talks about how people don't run from love, but they do tend to run (both sexes) from what the author called "premature commitment", and I'm wondering if men are possibly being scared off by your asking that question on date 3 or 4?    I'm just raising that as a possibility, maybe that's not the case, I don't know.

If so, I always tended to have the same habit myself, so I can relate, that's why this book was such a revelation to me when I read it, because basically page after page, it would say "now never do this", and often it was something I tended to do on a regular basis!

If it seems like their interest seems to diminish AFTER you ask this question, I would suggest considering not asking the question, perhaps you can just sort of sense what they are looking for, at least until a little bit later on, in case it is a situation where they feel like you are asking them to "get serious" and they're not sure they're ready for that maybe??  (premature commitment)

Again, just guessing, it's really hard to say without being there to hear and see exactly what you asked and how you asked it and seeing how they reacted of course.

Some people I talked to about the book complained that it was just about 'mind games', but it was written by a psychologist, and to me, it seemed more like it just really just reflecting and talking about the way people's minds and emotions actually are, and how to deal intelligently within that framework.

I'll relate a story along those lines.  I once met a very, very attractive woman and asked her out.  She said 'yes', but only as 'friends'.   Because of this 'friends' part I had low expectations, but still wanted to take her out, even if it was just for one date, just to have her company.  

But because my expectations were so low, I think I was actually at my best that night, cool, relaxed, charming instead of all nervous, and I was surprised that she started talking about how I reminded her of her first boyfriend, when I told her I played guitar, she said she wanted me to come to her house some time to play for her.   And when I took her home, she made me 'promise' to call her again and gave me a nice kiss, and again, I wasn't even expecting a kiss because of the friendship thing.

But here's the key.   Having now realized, hey!, I have a chance with this girl!  I went wrote her this super-sweet card with probably some stupid romantic sentiments in it (that I thought at the time she would probably like but now would probably make me cringe to read), and sent her flowers I think.

Boom, that killed my chances with her!   I came on too strong, made myself way too "available", threw myself at her feet so to say, and she pretty much ghosted me then and that was it, no more dates.

Whereas, if I'd just casually called her up the following Tuesday and asked her out again, she very well might have eagerly said yes!

The book warned against that kind of over-the-top stuff I did (especially so early in a potential relationship), but I followed my instincts, and following my instincts was a mistake!

Anyway, what you're doing with your question is not anywhere near as foolish as what I did in this example, but I'm still wondering if you're watching interest DIMINISH after asking that question, if you shouldn't consider waiting a while to ask that question.

Again, just a guess on my part...   Best of luck to you, you seem like a very nice woman!

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Not the same guy?

Its maybe nothing, its something that just happens sometimes. As you can see people love to pretend sometimes so it can fool you and you need time to judge stuff like that. However, I would consider that your picker is broken. Last guy was in Fboy phase, this one you kinda tricked but said that he doesnt want anything serious. The common denominator is you. You would have to learn to avoid guys like that if you want seriousness. 

[smackie9]

You know IMO just learn to read the guy better and not quiz them on what they think of committing or what are they looking for. Just get to know them, be a little mysterious fun flirty and that should get them excited about you. It’s a dance. If they start say things that don’t sound right or you feel the a need to pull them in, it’s time to back off and maybe ditch them. Those guys fresh out of a relationship are usually just looking for some strange and not a replacement. 

[melancholy123]

I wonder if you are too eager.  My husband says his sister used to push any guy she dated for a ring early on in a potential relationship which would scare them off.  You dont sound that bad, as she is an over the top person, but maybe you are too hasty.  Slow down, dont ask that question too soon.  Learn to read between the lines of what they say or dont ay.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

I always feel after I asked the question on where they stand, from there its a no go. 

Try to avoid loaded questions such as "what are you looking for?".

It's a pointless question because even if they say "marriage and kids", it doesn't mean with you.

It's better to just observe what is going on both the progress and the red flags.

No one can make the kind of guarantees you seem to be looking for without really knowing you.

[Batya33]

I didn’t invest more than a few dates if someone was serious minded. I knew he was because he would tell me. He wanted me to know asap. I didn’t have to ask. If it was a dating site I focused only on serious minded profiles and stated in mine that I was looking for marriage. Didn’t seem to scare anyone away - I always had tons of messages and interest in meeting and I did most of my dating through dating sites in my 30s. 

[catfeeder]

On 7/17/2022 at 6:26 PM, JoyceVib said:

when I ask at a certain point what their view is on where they stand in being open for a relationship, they say they are not that serious about it.

This is off the cuff, because I haven't read past here, so sorry if this was covered already.

Consider posting your desire to seek a committed relationship into your dating profile(s), and then screen guys to meet by first asking whether he noticed that and whether he's seeking the same from dating.

Boom! Done, you've screened out the guys you don't want to meet.

The earlier you are honest about what you're looking for, the less time you'll waste on those who don't match your private agenda.

Head high, and don't settle for "I don't know..." or "I only want casual..." You'll thank yourself later.