Time of the month....help

[anotherperson]

This is something that has been on my mind for quite some time and I would love to know the truth. I know it can be a touchy subject, and before I start all I want to say is that I'm not complaining or anything, I just want to understand it better. It being, the female's "time of the month".

 

My gf of over a year prefers not to have sex during this time (from the first day of bleeding to 1 week later). I respect this very much, and absolutely do not have a problem. She has been on the pill from her mid teens because of how painful her periods were (we're both in our 20s now). For that 1 week out of the month it's like she is trying to annoy me. This weekend we are going away on our first forreign holiday, and it's also the week she is supposed to have her period. However this time she is not going off the pill (which she usually does during her period).

 

The main thing that is annoying me and I want to know is this cool or not, is that she keeps telling me that she will snap at me next week and that I'm not to annoy her. She has asked me already not to look at any "thin" girls who may be lying around the pool in our hotel. I can imagine that when a girl is having her period her mood is subject to change and because of hormones things can go a bit emotional. I understand this and have no problem with this. What I want to know is, is it cool for my girlfriend to be telling me already that I'm not to annoy her next week or do anything out of the way because it's the week she's having her period and that she will get angry with me.

 

This isn't the first time, and I feel at this stage that because she tells me things like this beforehand, she uses her period as an excuse to have her way.

 

I told her recently that I actually get nervous when it comes round to her having her period. I have told her that I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells and that I don't want to argue with her because deep down inside I know she's only being this way due to hormones (which I'd never bring up during that week). I feel like she tries to set traps for me and wants to argue. When we were shopping for clothes she asked me if I liked something she was going to buy. I said I did, and she said back to me that I didn't. The truth is I did, but she went off in a huff saying that I didn't. Things like that all the time.

 

So basically during that week I feel like there are going to be arguments because she tells me that if I annoy her there will be, yet it's becoming increasing difficult not to annoy her. I even resorted to bringing her out for a meal when I knew she was having her period because I knew it would cheer her up, but I know that's not right either and I shouldn't have to do that. I feel like during that week, if I'm just me (the person she loves the other 3 weeks of the month), it's just not good enough.

 

I love her so much, but this holiday we're going on has cost a fortune and I'm absolutely terrified already that it's going to be a nightmare because of her period.

 

Any advice appreciated, Thank you

[GettingOverIt]

In my opinion, this has to be a two-way street. Have you told her how all this makes you feel? Have you asked her to try and watch her own emotions during that week? Yes, she is emotional and hormonal and all that, but you know what? I believe that if she KNOWS what she is like, then she could help control SOME of that... Not all of it, I know, but at least some of it....

 

The flip side is that she knows what she is like during that week, and you know what she is like during that week... So.... Why provoke things?

 

Enjoy your holiday together... And I dont see what the problem was in taking her out for a meal to have agood time when you knew she was feeling bad??? Seems like a very sweet thing to do... Then again, I'm a guy, so maybe some female input would serve you better here...

[punchy504]

I am a woman, and I think your girlfriend is milking this for all it's worth. Talk to her about it

[Mr Meh]

Personally I think her orders (and that's what they are) for you not to annoy her are ridiculous. It would seem that you understand the hormonal issues and the fact that mood swings are (for some women) a part of the monthly cycle. I don't think you should have to walk on egg shells and kiss her bum during her period. It sounds like she is using it as an excuse to be grumpy with no effort to try and overcome the effects of the hormones (which maybe is impossible..I'm a guy so I don't know). If you end up doing something that annoys her (whether justified or not) and she gets angry, you could at least say to yourself "oh it must be the hormones", but to hand you the job of making sure she doesn't get annoyed is a little selfish. How the hell are you supposed to know what's going to set her off (besides looking at thin girls, by which she means girls who aren't bloated I guess)?

[Drizown]

Well I think give you a warning is nice, and it's only polite not to gock at beautiful thing women, when she's bloated and ultimatley doesnt feel very attractive. However if its almost impossible not to get her angry while she's on her period you should talk to her about it. Be sympathetic and try not to use words like you... more like we. Say I've noticed that we don't get along as well when its that time of the month, and I'd like to know if there's anything that would help us? Say you dont like it when we argue and annoy eachother so I was wondering if there's anyway we could avoid that part of the monthly visit. Hopefully she will give you suggestions. Try not bringing up why ur feeling this (the vaccation) because she might feel hurt and turn it around with "so u think im going to ruin our vaccation?"

[Mr Meh]

A warning would be "by the way, I tend to be a little grumpy when I have my period, so if I seem snappy please forgive me"

"You better not tick me off or will snap at you" is a threat...

[Day_Walker]

The problem is that you have already started to cater to her during her time of the month. Instead of doing that you should have let it be known that just becuase she has her period and is feeling this way is no excuse for her to act overly emotional. You have already showed her what you will do during her time of the month. It also has come down to you rewarding her for treating you this way by taking her to eat because you know it will cheer her up. It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself, and not be affraid of your gf. If she gets upset at you because something that you do (intentionally or not) annoys her, then oh well. It all comes down to respect, and you have already set the precedent that you will take what ever she gives out during her time of the month.

 

I would say that you need to communicate with her about your expections along with her own during this time. You need to set some boundaries for yourself as well, let her know what you will and wont put up with.

[anotherperson]

Thank you all for the replies so far. All of you have been most helpful

 

Right well none of you seem to have disagreed with my cautious thinking on the matter. I am usually a very tollerant guy, and go out of my way all the time to maintain a happy environment. However I find when she's in a bad mood and snappy at me for reasons beyond my control, I find it hard to stay smiling all the time. Then when I get frustrated, she tends to get worse and on it goes in a downward spiral. Before we said that when it comes to that we should just spend a brief time apart for both of us to put things back in to perspective and cool down. I agree with that completely, and if we ever argue outside of her period that works for both of us all the time. However when she's having her period, it appears she tries to create arguments so we have to spend time apart. In theory the best thing for us to do is spend that week completely apart, but we all know that isn't exactly the best sollution. A few years ago I lived in a house with 4 female students (I was the only male in the house). During that time I only ever suspected once (in a whole year) that one of the girls was a bit hormonal. Nobody ever told me before to "watch my step" and not annoy them.

Say I've noticed that we don't get along as well when its that time of the month, and I'd like to know if there's anything that would help us? Say you dont like it when we argue and annoy eachother so I was wondering if there's anyway we could avoid that part of the monthly visit. Hopefully she will give you suggestions.

That's a good idea. Especially using "we" instead of "you". I completely agree that there are plenty of times in a relationship when two people argue over something that was simply the result of a misinterpretation through the use of the wrong words. I've said that to my girlfriend in the past, and she has said that it was too late to change my words, and what was said was said. I feel like that attitude is one that is just trying to prolong an argument. For example if I say something that annoys my girlfriend and shortly after I find a better way to express myself, I don't think it's fair that I'm told my new words do not count, when they are most definitely a better match to what I wanted to say all along.

A warning would be "by the way, I tend to be a little grumpy when I have my period, so if I seem snappy please forgive me"

"You better not tick me off or will snap at you" is a threat...

That's exactly what I thought.

 

However I've learned that people are entitled to their opinion, and I know if I were to show this thread to my gf for example (I never would), she would not take any of ye're points on board and instead put me in the dog house for ages until I appologised or something.

I am a woman, and I think your girlfriend is milking this for all it's worth. Talk to her about it

If I was to tell my girlfriend that, she would explode in a fit of rage. I have asked her in the past

 

Me: "I understand that you're a little under the weather at the moment, and I want help make things better as best I can. I want you to acknowledge that I don't want to annoy you, or do anything to upset you. I love you very much."

Her: "Thank you, and I know you don't, but just don't annoy me ok, it's hard enough trying to control my own rage inside me than for the person I'm closest to, to contribute to it. So just let me be as I am".

 

At that point I feel like I might as well have stayed quiet and said nothing. It's like she has made up her mind that she's going to be angry and I just have to put up with it. She constantly says things like "Its only for a few days, is that really too much to ask". During that time if we're out for a walk for example and she meets a friend, she immediately switches to a nice person, and shows them her happy side. But once they're gone I suffer the brunt of her moods.

 

In recent months things have gotten particularly bad, and she even said herself that she noticed she is finding it harder to stay calm and that she thinks she may have to change the pill she's on. She has been in the same pill for the last 6 years as far as I know. Can the pill mess with your hormones that much?

 

It's terrible but when it comes to the "time of the month" I hardly believe a word she says with regards what's going around in her head. As punchy504 said, I think she is milking it, but what can I do. I don't want to argue, but I would love to sit down and talk with her without her exploding.

 

What would be a reasonable thing to say?

[Mr Meh]

Print this off, give it to her and go for a coffee.

 

Sounds like she has anger issues in general and that you are terrified of her. If someone loses it on you every time they hear something they don't like or every time you try to be honest, you're in for a looooong life with her. Believe me...I just spent 10 years trying not to upset someone's delicate feelings. Just because she 'knows' her moods, doesn't excuse them.

[anotherperson]

Print this off, give it to her and go for a coffee.

 

Sounds like she has anger issues in general and that you are terrified of her. If someone loses it on you every time they hear something they don't like or every time you try to be honest, you're in for a looooong life with her. Believe me...I just spent 10 years trying not to upset someone's delicate feelings. Just because she 'knows' her moods, doesn't excuse them.

You see I wouldn't say she has anger issues because it only seems to be during her period. I can see the transition like clockwork every month, and I know when she'll change back. Also I'm not afraid of her. I just don't like arguments. If I have a problem I tell her, but when I do so I expect her to get angry back. A lot of the time I will bottle it, to keep the peace, but other times I will come right out and say it, but it always means an argument. She'll tell me she doesn't like my tone and refuses to speak to me while I sound like I'm "talking down" to her. Which I think is something she makes up during arguments to make me feel like the bad one when I'm just trying to get something off my chest. Actually I find it amazing when I say or do something during the 3 weeks off, and she doesn't even see any negative aspects to it, or anything that would justify an argument. Then during her period when I would do that exact same thing (such as tell her my honest opinion with regards a piece of clothing in a store), she'd freak. If I ever remind her of how she behaved differently in a situation in the past she accuses me of holding grudges and that the only reason I'd remember differences in her behaviour from one time to the next is because I'm just looking for trouble.

 

Day_Walker, sorry I only noticed your post after I posted my last one. Yes I do agree I have catered for her excessively during her time of the month. I did this originally because I felt sorry for her. I have stopped doing this though to such an extent. I would still be nice to her and help her get things done, where I would otherwise stand back and let her tackle alone. I like being nice to her, and there are times when she goes out of her way for me too. I just feel like she could do with a helping hand and someone to make her smile when she would otherwise curl up in to a ball.

If someone loses it on you every time they hear something they don't like or every time you try to be honest, you're in for a looooong life with her

You hit the nail on the head there, because I have thought about that myself and I do worry will she grow up. She's very insecure and handles criticism very poorly. Actually my best friend told her shortly after we started to go out to relax and stop trying so hard to be his friend. That he accepts "us" and wishes us the best, and that she doesn't have to keep trying to get in to their good books. I should also point out there is 4 years between us (she's younger).

 

Any further opinions on the matter are appreciated. I'll take all the help I can get, and thank you for it.

[nmduipd]

Your gf KNOWS that she will be very vulnerable during that time and she asks you not to provoke her in any way.

 

You do cater for her needs during that time. But why is that so bad? I'm sure there are times when she caters for your needs (if this is not true, that might be a problem though).

 

It is quite possible for her to snap at you for no reason at all! Forgive her! She can't help it and she will be sorry once her hormones are back to normal. And she will appreciate your efforts.

 

Sometimes it's virtually impossible to control your emotions during that 'time of the month' no matter how hard you try.

 

But also: she won't get upset by a totally new set of things – these are the same things that would normally upset her, but not to that extent! So, if you love her, you better listen to what she has to say – you could learn something about her.

[shes2smart]

This isn't the first time, and I feel at this stage that because she tells me things like this beforehand, she uses her period as an excuse to have her way.

 

From what you've posted, you have a very clear idea of what's going on...as noted in the portion of your post quoted above.

 

I've got 28 years of PMS/period happenin' experience, and being physically uncomortable and a bit more emotional than usual is par for the course. But it doesn't give me (or any other female) the right to boss others around, act like a shrew, or demand that others cater to whatever whims I have.

 

It's a biological fact of being female. She needs to learn how to deal with it -- without running roughshod over others.

[anotherperson]

nmduipd, that is pretty much what I wanted to hear. You see when I am worried that my gf is treating me badly, I stay quiet and come online and ask others. Then when I hear enough people's opinions I form my own, and in most cases completely avoid an unnecessary argument with her (which is what I want).

 

So far I've had two female replies, both with different opinions, when I merge the two I get: Periods effect women differently/some women can't help feeling the way they do.

 

Now from what nmduipd posted, I feel somewhat relieved because she said...

It is quite possible for her to snap at you for no reason at all! Forgive her! She can't help it and she will be sorry once her hormones are back to normal. And she will appreciate your efforts.

The only comparrison I can draw here is that my gf has appologised to me after her period for reacting certain ways during her period. It's like she snaps out of it, and comes back to normal. I always accept her appology and feel that she can't help it, but it was only when she'd say things like (quotes I've posted already), I would start wondering is she milking it and not really that bad.

 

But I am glad to hear another girl say

Sometimes it's virtually impossible to control your emotions during that 'time of the month' no matter how hard you try.

That way I know my girlfriend isn't taking me for a ride.

 

Any more comments?

[Mr Meh]

If she really is nice to you the other 3 weeks of the month with no hint of neurotic rage, then maybe she has an imbalance that could be remedied with different pills\supplements etc. Though it sounds like the other 3 weeks aren't as rosy as you wish either.

 

She's very insecure and handles criticism very poorly.

Ask yourself 3 questions:

1. Are you trying to make her feel better about herself by being there for her (whereas many in the past have let her down)? Are you trying to be the nice guy? The good one, not like the others who hurt her?

2. Has she constructed your relationship so that her needs are always being met while yours have been put on the sideline? (Which of course you don't mind because you're the nice guy and she really needs it.)

3. Do you sometimes wish to leave her but have been guilted into coming back?

 

I may be applying waaaay too much of my own life to yours, and I'm sorry if that's the case, but a few things have stuck out as you've been going along today. I'll stop because there's no sense rambling on if I'm on the wrong road!

 

PS I just read the last few replies and do you realize that out of all the thoughts you've been given today, you instantly seized on the one that makes it easiest for you, that you "wanted to hear"? Be sure you are facing the truth here sir!

[anotherperson]

OK shes2smart I just noticed your post and now I'm revising my opinion to the fact that perhaps women deal with their periods the same, but perhaps my girlfriend needs to grow up a bit and realise this for herself. If that's the case then what can I do but sit and wait, or can I change anything myself to help her, without crossing the line and becoming a bad boyfriend.

[shes2smart]

So far I've had two female replies, both with different opinions, when I merge the two I get: Periods effect women differently/some women can't help feeling the way they do.

 

Any more comments?

 

I still think it's a cop out (my age is showing using that phrase, isn't it?)

 

If she knows how her period makes her feel, then it's up to her to figure out how to manage that...not to make it your problem to tiptoe around her. For me, it means I need to make sure I get some extra sleep, pop ibuprofen every 4 hours, and make sure I'm not eating junk food. If her symptoms are really bad, then she needs to discuss it with her doctor.

 

I happen to think she's got the ability to control her behavior more than she has. She may feel crappy, but that doesn't mean she has to behave that way, and it still doesn't give her the right to take it out on anyone else.

[anotherperson]

I may be applying waaaay too much of my own life to yours, and I'm sorry if that's the case, but a few things have stuck out as you've been going along today. I'll stop because there's no sense rambling on if I'm on the wrong road!

No no not at all, god I appreciate everything you say. Your time is very much appreciated. Thank you.

 

As for your questions, I'd answer them like this

 

1) Yes (definitely)

2) Sometimes I feel it's that way, but then think about what she does for me too. But there are definitely times when I feel like things aren't being reciprocated.

3) No

 

??

[Wimpy]

Sorry but I think your g/f is being a little over dramatic. I did go through a really bad stage of really bad mood swings around my period time a while back but I recognised the signs and tried my best to handle them. They weren't anyone else's problem and to anticipate that you will annoy her a WEEK ahead of time is crazy.

 

Sorry but as someone else said she's milking it for all its' worth.

 

It really annoys me when women use this as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

[Drizown]

Ok the only thing left is to say how i am on mine. I do get grumpy but i be sure like wat was said dont eat junk food and anything caffeine in it because it causes cramps and lower back aches which contribute to the grumpyness. Yes im easily irked but i dont go into raging fits and warn ppl to steer clear like im a t-rex. yes its different for every woman, BUT so is every period, if shes one walking raging hormone during every period, chances are shes taking her situation for granted. If ne of my gfs were like that theyd be spending the entire time alone.

[Mr Meh]

OK since you answered number 1 with "yes, definitely" here's the way it's gone for me:

 

My gf has had a very tough life for various reasons, and her self-esteem has further been damaged by abusive men. She is a wonderful person and very happy and outgoing, but this is a mask in a big way (she has told me this). Anyway upon meeting her and getting to know her a bit, I decided that it was my job to make her feel good about herself, bring back her self-esteem, show her that not all men are jerks (add to that my subconscious need to prove that I can be the nice guy after a previous relationship failed). This is fine for awhile until it became clear that it's just not working, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how nice I was, the self esteem issues persisted and I began to feel like nothing would ever really help. Which of course meant I was failing at my self appointed job! You can go a long time trying to mend someone and eventually the "why bother" starts to creep in, and then the "forget about it". Now since you don't care anymore, her self esteem will go lower and her basic core belief that she is unworthy will be proven again. I just grew so tired of waiting for her to stop being sad that I ended the relationship. Now I'm trying to figure out how I really feel about her. I tried many times in the past to end it and basically allowed myself to be guilt tripped into coming back. She is in counselling now and I think she finally realizes that she has to do something about her issues but I just can't stay there to be hurt again. This has been kind of rambling but I'm basically trying to say that you are in this for the wrong reasons if you are trying to heal her....it will look like you are for a long time, but I hung on for 10 years and ultimately nothing really changed, except that losing me has given her the wakeup call that she will never be successful in love until she loves herself. Whether she takes it all the way is in her hands. Again my main point is for you to not waste your life trying to help someone with a problem they can only help themselves with....

[melrich]

Exactly what i was going to say monetlisa, if she skips the sugar pills and continues to take the contraceptive pill she will not get her period, her hormone levels will not change and there will be no moodiness...not as a result of PMS anyway.

[anotherperson]

OK that's what I thought too, but I am a bit confused by what ye have posted. I don't know what these "sugar pills/blank pills" are of which you speak. All I know is that she has been on the same contraceptive pill since she was a teenager. She gets it every month and the course lasts 3 weeks from what I can see. For example lets say she takes her last pill on a wednesday, and then starts to bleed the following saturday/sunday, then goes back on her next batch of pills the following wednesday. The day after she stops taking her pills I call "Irritable Thursday", on that day she seems to be the worst.

 

However this month she isn't got to stop taking her pills on the wednesday, she'll finish her 3 week supply and the following day, start another 3 week supply as far as I know. This is what I presume when she says she is not going off the pill while we are on vacation. She is doing this so we can have sex, and she won't have her period.

 

Now what I want to know (from females if possible), in this case should my gf's moods be affected at all. She has stayed on the pill before with no gap between 2 months and on the day she was supposed to bleed, she did report crampy feelings and feelings that "things were moving". Is this right?

 

God damn it, I really wish I was better educated on all of this

 

Mr Meh, ther are certain aspects of my gf that I put down to immaturity. She is insecure and constantly needs validation from her peers and me. She doesn't handle criticism very well, even if she is poking me in the eye looking for honesty. From when I first met her though, this has improved. So I'm willing to put up with a certain amount of it, because I feel that kind of behaviour is becoming less and less frequent as time passes. 3 weeks out of the month I don't have a problem with my gf. I don't think she intentionally wants to hurt me, but I do think she may be looking for excessive levels of sympathy in a situation that anothers have learned to better deal with it.

 

If anyone can shed some light more on how the body should react in the situation I described above with regards the pill and my gf, I would grately appreciate it. Thank you.

[shes2smart]

First off, the "blanks" people are talking about...Some brands of birth control pills give the user 21 (3 weeks) pills that have hormones in them and 7 (1 week) pills that are 'sugar pills' with no hormones. The idea is to keep the user in the habit of taking a pill a day all the time. It is easier to take the pill properly if you have to take one pill everyday and don't have to think about if it's the week off or not. Some brands of birth control just give the user the 21 pills with the hormones and it is up to the user to go 7 days without.

 

Pills have different combinations of estrogen and progestin (progesterone) depending on the manufacturer. It's actually a rise & fall in progesterone that causes the bleeding. I got on the pill the minute I turned 18 and was on them until my late 20's. When I got off them, I noticed a huge difference in my mental stability/outlook. Without them, I became much more even-tempered and much less depressed. Granted, the doses of pills I was taking back in the late 80's and early 90's were much higher than what's on the market today, but it doesn't take a lot of hormones to have an effect on the brain.

 

I've had some menstrual issues that need to be managed with occasional progesterone. If I haven't had a period in 2-3 months, I have to first have a neg. pregnancy test (rule out the obvious...and it's ALWAYS negative) then I take 10miligrams of progesterone for 10 days to induce a period. (The sharp rise & the fall in the level of progesterone is what triggers the bleeding) About day 5 of the progesterone I'm weepy, irritable and have become almost suicidally depressed. This is something that is very predictable and occurs EVERY time I take the progesterone. They are tiny little pills with a very small amount of hormone (10 miligrams) but they have a HUGE effect on my brain.

 

As mentioned before, different brands of birth control pills contain different combinations/amounts of estrogen & progestin. If you can bring up the topic without your gf snapping your head off, you might want to suggest she discuss these symptoms with her doctor. Someone's got to be prescribing these things for her. Whoever that is can assist her in finding a pill that will provide the birth control with a minimum of symptoms. All brands of pills are NOT the same. I switched brands several times when I was on the pill, it's not that big a deal, really.

 

If you want to learn more about the pill, cycles, etc. Get yourself to a library and find a book on women's health. In any book on women's health there will be a rather large section on menstrual cycles and also a large section on pregnancy & childbirth. These are things that tend to be a big deal in most females' lives.

[anotherperson]

Thank you very much for that

[shes2smart]

Thank you very much for that

 

No problem.

 

I thought of something else since my last post. I have seen commercials for a new pill called Seasonale. If a woman is on Seasonale, she only has 4 periods a year (probably once every 3 months). You might want to encourage her to ask her doc about that particular brand of pill. It might be interesting to see how she reacts if the monthly excuse for bad behavior goes away.