Boyfriend's friend who is a girl asks him to hang out all the time (they hang out alone)

[Silly Sardine]

Sorry for the long post. I feel this explains the details.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for half a year. So far the relationship has established itself in a healthy way. We are both on the same page with many values and give each other time and attention. We communicate and work together. I often think to myself that he is “the one,” and he has referred to me as “the one,” multiple times.

 

Now that the relationship has been going on for sometime, some of the very real aspects of being a human, and the very real logistics to being in a committed relationship are showing. I think these aspects get hidden by the rainbows and butterflies of a new relationship. Now that the relationship has flourished, I am seeing the reality. 

 

My situation now is that he has a group of friends who he is very close with. Inside this group is a couple. One member (female) of the couple lives down the street from my boyfriend. The other member (male) lives an hour away. The other members of the group live across town and do not have cars. Therefore, it is very convenient for the girl down the street from my boyfriend to ask him to hang out. She asks him to hang out often (several times a week if not daily). 

 

I have trust for my boyfriend and do not feel that he would disrespect the boundaries of our relationship. But, I do feel this situation could get sticky. And, if I’m really honest with myself, I do not have trust for this girl and I feel lots of bitter feelings toward her and the fact that she is asking my boyfriend to hang out all the time.  I have a whole list in my head about why I dislike her. (1) When the group gets together for parties she wants them to get drunk and high. She brings weed and initiates drinking games. My boyfriend doesn’t normally drink or smoke. (2) She mentioned she likes “a little bit of drama but just the kind that doesn’t turn into anything big,” (3) Shes bossy, loud and quick to insert her opinions on things (4) She asks my boyfriend to hang out all of the time (5) she asks for rides on my boyfriends bike for which she needs to hold his stomach. Someone mistaked them as a couple and he told me about this (6) She wanted my boyfriend to meet her parents (6) we do not have common interests 

I feel a lot of shame inside myself, wondering if my feelings are jealous or possessive. Inside, my emotions are acting out. I feel I am too judgmental, and want to be open, but almost gaslight myself because my emotional mind is so opposed. Somedays I keep my emotions at bay and other days (like today), they are wild and anxious. But outside, I am acting in a neutral way about the situation. 

I have not mentioned my feelings about this girl. I feel I would come across as an insecure girlfriend. After all, she is in her own romantic relationship of five years. Speaking about it may give me the lower hand. I also do not want to skew how he acts around her. I would like to observe. I think in some ways, seeing how this situation plays out is very telling about his character. Instead, I am asking questions to try and understand his friends better. After asking about his friends, I understand that he just has his group and a best friend. So I suppose his group sticks with his group. Perhaps this is why she asks to hang out all the time. She only sees her boyfriend every two weeks, this may be her core group of friends, and the rest of the members do not live nearby. My boyfriend is a convenient companion for her. I am used to having friend “communities,” but no single close group or friend. So the concept of a single core “group,” was new. Now I understand better. 

It is important to me for relationships to be “off leash.” What I mean by this is that we are powerless over the other person. We need to really trust the person and allow them room to grow and try new things. One thing I would like to note is that I am in a 12 step program for codependency. Oftentimes I am reflecting on why I may feel a certain way and trying to heal that part of myself with the support of my group. I try very hard to approach the relationship in the most healthy way possible. I try very hard to separate my emotional and codependent mind with my logical and healthy relationship mind. Perhaps even to a point of perfectionism. I also have anxiety which has been well managed for several years (but now I may contact a therapist due to these fears in the relationship coming out). I feel I am doing an excellent job in the program.

How would you view the situation? I am seeing this as an opportunity to observe actions. Today, he invited me to hang out with him and her as they go to an event; however, I am booked this day and cannot make it. He mentioned he would like me there, and indirectly mentioned he feels they are hanging out a lot and that it would be nice to involve me. This shows he cares about me being involved and is also slightly skeptical? I still don’t like this girl though.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about the whirl of complicated feelings. 

First things first, just want to say that the way you're processing all this—the care, consideration, and thoughtfulness—is really admirable and something to be proud of. It's a very important skill, to be able to both fully feel and fully observe emotions like this, and not one a lot of people cultivate. 

In terms of the specifics? I'm of mixed minds. That your boyfriend is asking you to hang out with this friend is, I think, a very positive sign. It likely means he wants you to understand their friendship, to not be threatened by it—and, I'd go so far as to say, it opens the door for this to be something you talk about together. 

Generally speaking, I can't help but think you are giving her a lot more power than she deserves, perhaps because you don't want to ask the hard, blunt question of: Why is your boyfriend devoting so much time to someone who smokes a ton of pot and likes a dash of drama? I don't mean that to imply that there's anything romantic or untoward going on; in ways, I'd imagine you'd maybe have some similar discomfort if she was a man whose lifestyle and values clashed with yours. 

Some questions: How much time have you spend with her, with his group of friends as a whole? Do you feel integrated, and vise versa, with yours? I'm also curious to know how old you guys are, as that sometimes helps with context. 

All in all, I'd try to spend more time with her, with the two of them, observing. That way when and if this needs to be talked about—and, by the way, talking about things like this is not the same as putting someone on a "leash"—it's coming from a place of good faith rather than just thorny emotions. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Silly Sardine said:

 It is important to me for relationships to be “off leash.” What I mean by this is that we are powerless over the other person. We need to really trust the person and allow them room to grow and try new things.

You're very articulate, insightful and openminded. With these fine qualities you'll be able to navigate this. One thing to focus on is the newness of your relationship, and what you mentioned as the butterflies stage wearing off into an more realistic phase.

It's extremely important to get this woman and her characteristics out of the equation and focus more on your BF's inappropriate actions and address that directly.

[Silly Sardine]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I am totally open to learning more. We are both 26! Spending time with his friends is a good idea. He has mentioned spending time with the three of us together. Deep down in my heart do I want to spend time with her? No lol. Am I open to it? Of course, especially if it eases some anxiety. Thank you for validating my feelings and for taking time to read and comment 

[Kwothe28]

You never know with stuff like that. But from what you said, it doesnt sound that suspicious. Especially since he offers to include you. So, yes, use that time to observe things and see if you are comfortable or not with your boyfriend being close with somebody like that. 

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, Silly Sardine said:

Spending time with his friends is a good idea.

Aside from this friend, have you spent time with others? How about him, with your friends—do you all hang out? I ask because I think we only really learn how great we are with another person by learning how our full worlds blend. That doesn't mean you're always doing everything together or adoring everything and everyone they adore—heck, it could mean that some people you opt not to spend time with—but just that there's not a whole lot of mystery and edginess or that familiar sense of being good only in a "bubble." 

14 minutes ago, Silly Sardine said:

We are both 26!

I can only speak for myself, but looking back at 26? There are many, many people from that time in my life who I remain close with, at 42. But there are others that now feel more like an extension of adolescence—people who kind of faded out, or I faded out on, as life's more pressing priorities (often relationships) took root. I can't say, of course, where she fits into this life story, but in your shoes I'd try to be more open to learning than assessing from afar. 

15 minutes ago, Silly Sardine said:

Deep down in my heart do I want to spend time with her? No lol. Am I open to it? Of course, especially if it eases some anxiety.

I'd rephrase the above: Deep in your heart, you would like to feel less anxious in this relationship and more confident that you're with the right person. Spending time with the people he spends time with is crucial for that, so...

 

 

[Silly Sardine]

Good morning,

I wanted to post an update. 

I ended up letting these thoughts manifest. My boyfriend came over to my house and sat with me. I let myself be vulnerable and let my inner thoughts come out.  I just cried and cried and cried about it. My boyfriend was by my side the whole time. I was not crying about the girl. I was crying at the idea that we are powerless over other people. I was crying in grief all of the hurt and betrayal I have experienced. I was crying out of  fear of letting my feelings become so strong that I will experience pain again. I was crying of fear of giving all of my control over to God and trusting in God and letting Him lead my life. 

I told my boyfriend all of the above. I told him about how my reservations about the girl was a gateway to open up these deep wounds from my past. I told him I do not want these thoughts to affect his relationship with her. My own wounds should not dictate another’s actions. That would not make me feel good. If she is his friend and he finds happiness in that then I want to see that grow. I told him I trust him and I looked him in the eyes and that statement of trust came from a deep part of my heart that I didn’t know was there. I told him I want to see him go out and have fun, do the things he wants to do, and be there to support him as he grows and explores the world. I may hurt sometimes but it gets better with healing.

He held me the whole time. He told me to let it out-all of my ugly cries. He said I can say what I need to say and he will not think of me differently. He says he has my back always and he really meant that. This only touches a small fraction of all the words he said to me and actions he did to support me. Typing does not do it justice. He asked “what can I do to help you feel more secure in this.” 

The next day I reflected on the scenario and I prayed about it. I feel a bitter-sweet feeling. I feel a stronger and deeper bond with my boyfriend, less resentment for the girl, and happy/sad feelings at God. My boyfriend was there for me when I was vulnerable and didn’t treat me any differently after. I feel a part of a scar that has been open for a long time has been stitched up. I am now open and ready to explore this girl. Why is she in my life? What projection from my past has she become a symbol for? 

Anyways, I am so grateful for your responses. I realized in this scenario that people can be there for you in hard times. That unconditional love exists. I allow myself to have a bad moment but not to turn that into a bad day or a bad lifestyle. I am looking at my thoughts-”a man think in his heart so is he.” I’ve got healing to do and it’s time to explore this wound-to explore it on my own and ask for help when I need it. I am not a burden and this is a normal part of being a human. I will not run from my fears anymore, I’m ready to stand up to them. I take responsibility for my own healing. And even though sometimes I don’t trust God I can try. I don’t understand it always, it doesn’t feel good always, but God I will try my hardest. 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, Silly Sardine said:

He asked “what can I do to help you feel more secure in this.” 

And what was your answer?

[Andrina]

On 7/12/2022 at 2:17 PM, Silly Sardine said:

She asks him to hang out often (several times a week if not daily). 

So how many times does he agree to hang out? Every time she calls and if not, how often does he end up doing stuff with her? How many times a week do you two get together, and who initiates most of the time, or is it an equal effort? Is she a champion of you and your bf being together? Does she interact with you during your group get togethers?

Most people who enter serious relationships will often evolve and change some of their activities and how they spend their leisure time, in order for their primary relationship to be successful. 

I just want you to know it's okay if you are the type of person who isn't comfortable with you bf having a super-close friendship with a female. As for me, I think it's a different dynamic that I have never been comfortable with, and if a guy told me he'd be getting together regularly with a female friend, I'd say Adios. And it would be irrelevant if I was 100 percent sure they were platonic. I know myself, and I've chosen a husband who only has guy friends, but of course we do group activities with men and women and have other couples as friends.

Sure, go okay and explore this situation to see if you can achieve a comfort level, but if not, why live a life of frustration and distress? I also find that this woman is clueless, since even if she has no crush on him, she has no consideration that he's in a relationship and is trying to monopolize his time by asking him to hang out daily?

You have to consider how your bf behaves in this situation, and the lack of boundaries he might be putting up if she's blowing up his phone and he does nothing to stop this.

I'm curious to see how this pans out. Keep us in the loop.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Silly Sardine said:

  He asked “what can I do to help you feel more secure in this.” . I feel a bitter-sweet feeling.

Did you tell him directly what your specific boundaries are? 

Sadly you seem to be struggling with a lot of cognitive dissonance. 

This is a battle within yourself to try to make the unacceptable acceptable.

You're not being honest with him or yourself and that serves no one.

You're trying to be the "cool GF" and swallow what you know and feel is inappropriate.

That your BF listened is of course to continue this friendship and agree  with you that you are the problem. This way he can discount your feelings, sadly, much the same way you do.

Stop discussing this with him. Instead get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from a physician. Discuss the uncontrollable crying jags and perpetual sadness. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

If anything this situation is adding to your "scars", not suturing them up. 

You need to be honest with yourself and trust yourself and your instincts more.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/12/2022 at 2:17 PM, Silly Sardine said:

My boyfriend is a convenient companion for her.

It would be best not to absorb her as a friend and absorb guilt for noticing obvious red flags. Your BF should be a companion to You, not this woman. He is the problem and encouraging and enjoying this. Step back to observe. Do not hang out with her.

[reinventmyself]

Having been that person at 26, who had male friends that I spent a couple days a week with- had any of us had any romantic inclinations - I would have never invited my then bf to spend time with us.   The fact that he's transparent and you have an open invitation is very good thing.

Having said that I had two best friends that were male that I spent a considerable amount of time with when I met my then husband.  He had an open invitation and got to know them. I could sense he might have felt a little sketchy about it to begin with, but with a little faith and confidence he was open minded about it.  Ultimately, he became equally friendly with the two guy friends. 

Had there been anything other than friendship, the risk would be too high that any tension would have been picked up on.  Afterall, we are looking for it, right? 

I have had bf's in my life that either protested or became insecure.  They are no longer in my life.  Not that my way is right, but it is how I choose to live my life.  An opposing value such as this isn't a good fit - for me.

I don't know about your boyfriend's character.  But from everything you have shared, I think you've got a good handle on this.  The meltdown might have been something you could have shared with a girlfriend, because though you deny it was directly related to the gal pal, it was however what brought this all on.  It comes across as indirect request dressed up as something different. Please be aware it's now on his mind and you've shown a light on this as being problematic.  Either way he's on notice.

[Cherylyn]

On 7/12/2022 at 11:17 AM, Silly Sardine said:

It is important to me for relationships to be “off leash.” What I mean by this is that we are powerless over the other person. We need to really trust the person and allow them room to grow and try new things. One thing I would like to note is that I am in a 12 step program for codependency. Oftentimes I am reflecting on why I may feel a certain way and trying to heal that part of myself with the support of my group. I try very hard to approach the relationship in the most healthy way possible. I try very hard to separate my emotional and codependent mind with my logical and healthy relationship mind. Perhaps even to a point of perfectionism. I also have anxiety which has been well managed for several years (but now I may contact a therapist due to these fears in the relationship coming out). I feel I am doing an excellent job in the program.

How would you view the situation? I am seeing this as an opportunity to observe actions. Today, he invited me to hang out with him and her as they go to an event; however, I am booked this day and cannot make it. He mentioned he would like me there, and indirectly mentioned he feels they are hanging out a lot and that it would be nice to involve me. This shows he cares about me being involved and is also slightly skeptical? I still don’t like this girl though.

The problem is not the girl.  The real problem is your boyfriend's lack of discretion.  He does not make sound decisions and choices.  He lacks good judgement regarding honoring himself and you. 

I would view the situation as your boyfriend lacking empathy and respect for you.  He does what he does and does not care what you think. 

You can't change him.  He is who he is habits and all.  Either accept him or be with a man who knows how to be wise with his life and knows how to have an honorable relationship.

When my husband and I were dating, we hung out with a group of friends occasionally such as backyard barbecues, picnics and the like.  We didn't have to lecture each other regarding what we mutually expected out of the relationship.  The majority of time went towards us as two's company, three's a crowd.  We were very content and still am after all these years due to common sense love, respect and responsibility in the relationship.  We've always followed 'The Golden Rule' which refers to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You have to be in lockstep and on the same page in order for relationships to thrive.  Any other way is purely intolerable and unacceptable.  Any other way is a failure. 

Emotional intelligence is tantamount.  Without it, all relationships drown in a hopeless abyss.  You can't fix apathy, emotional intelligence, indifference, ignorance and stupidity. 

Everything relies on YOU.  Are you willing to tolerate and endure being treated as if you don't matter?  Either accept him the way he is or exit the relationship knowing your standards are very high and that you deserve better.  It's the principle of the matter.  Either you're in or you've had enough and you're out.  You decide. 

[smackie9]

Since he is showing some guilt and noted how they are hanging out a lot, that should have been your opportunity to discuss your feelings about it, and maybe discuss certain boundaries. There is nothing toxic or unhealthy about boundaries as long as they are reasonable. When one starts being in a committed relationship, somethings are usually "adjusted" to be more appropriate. So hanging out with this girl because she seems to demand it, is not appropriate. I don't think it's fair if it's taking away his time away from you just because her BF isn't around enough. I find she's being a bit selfish and taking advantage of him being a nice guy that doesn't know how to say no. There has to be a compromise made here.

I say it's time to bring it up and please don't feel bad about doing it. That's what being in a healthy relationship is all about..... "communication".  Go ahead and express how you are feeling, like maybe you feel you are being replaced, or not available enough, or whatever. He's gonna listen, and it's not good to hold it all back because you don't want to look insecure. It's quite the opposite. It takes a lot of courage to come forward.