Sorry for the long post. I feel this explains the details.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for half a year. So far the relationship has established itself in a healthy way. We are both on the same page with many values and give each other time and attention. We communicate and work together. I often think to myself that he is “the one,” and he has referred to me as “the one,” multiple times.
Now that the relationship has been going on for sometime, some of the very real aspects of being a human, and the very real logistics to being in a committed relationship are showing. I think these aspects get hidden by the rainbows and butterflies of a new relationship. Now that the relationship has flourished, I am seeing the reality.
My situation now is that he has a group of friends who he is very close with. Inside this group is a couple. One member (female) of the couple lives down the street from my boyfriend. The other member (male) lives an hour away. The other members of the group live across town and do not have cars. Therefore, it is very convenient for the girl down the street from my boyfriend to ask him to hang out. She asks him to hang out often (several times a week if not daily).
I have trust for my boyfriend and do not feel that he would disrespect the boundaries of our relationship. But, I do feel this situation could get sticky. And, if I’m really honest with myself, I do not have trust for this girl and I feel lots of bitter feelings toward her and the fact that she is asking my boyfriend to hang out all the time. I have a whole list in my head about why I dislike her. (1) When the group gets together for parties she wants them to get drunk and high. She brings weed and initiates drinking games. My boyfriend doesn’t normally drink or smoke. (2) She mentioned she likes “a little bit of drama but just the kind that doesn’t turn into anything big,” (3) Shes bossy, loud and quick to insert her opinions on things (4) She asks my boyfriend to hang out all of the time (5) she asks for rides on my boyfriends bike for which she needs to hold his stomach. Someone mistaked them as a couple and he told me about this (6) She wanted my boyfriend to meet her parents (6) we do not have common interests
I feel a lot of shame inside myself, wondering if my feelings are jealous or possessive. Inside, my emotions are acting out. I feel I am too judgmental, and want to be open, but almost gaslight myself because my emotional mind is so opposed. Somedays I keep my emotions at bay and other days (like today), they are wild and anxious. But outside, I am acting in a neutral way about the situation.
I have not mentioned my feelings about this girl. I feel I would come across as an insecure girlfriend. After all, she is in her own romantic relationship of five years. Speaking about it may give me the lower hand. I also do not want to skew how he acts around her. I would like to observe. I think in some ways, seeing how this situation plays out is very telling about his character. Instead, I am asking questions to try and understand his friends better. After asking about his friends, I understand that he just has his group and a best friend. So I suppose his group sticks with his group. Perhaps this is why she asks to hang out all the time. She only sees her boyfriend every two weeks, this may be her core group of friends, and the rest of the members do not live nearby. My boyfriend is a convenient companion for her. I am used to having friend “communities,” but no single close group or friend. So the concept of a single core “group,” was new. Now I understand better.
It is important to me for relationships to be “off leash.” What I mean by this is that we are powerless over the other person. We need to really trust the person and allow them room to grow and try new things. One thing I would like to note is that I am in a 12 step program for codependency. Oftentimes I am reflecting on why I may feel a certain way and trying to heal that part of myself with the support of my group. I try very hard to approach the relationship in the most healthy way possible. I try very hard to separate my emotional and codependent mind with my logical and healthy relationship mind. Perhaps even to a point of perfectionism. I also have anxiety which has been well managed for several years (but now I may contact a therapist due to these fears in the relationship coming out). I feel I am doing an excellent job in the program.
How would you view the situation? I am seeing this as an opportunity to observe actions. Today, he invited me to hang out with him and her as they go to an event; however, I am booked this day and cannot make it. He mentioned he would like me there, and indirectly mentioned he feels they are hanging out a lot and that it would be nice to involve me. This shows he cares about me being involved and is also slightly skeptical? I still don’t like this girl though.