The Bride knows nothing about her own wedding

[Alex39]

So to jump back onto this. 

The Maid of Honor had nailed us down for a Bachelorette weekend a month ago.  She gave very little detail, but told us that one major activity on Saturday was $100 each. I was okay with this. But she was very vague and is still very vague about what the money is going to. 

So I nicely asked a bunch of questions. Again, this was one month ago. She said that there would be a dinner out Friday night. No mention where. But I can chip in for a dinner.  Then a hotel Friday night after.  I had to ask where. And I had to ask for a price breakdown. She wasn't very forthcoming. If it was $20 or even $50 bucks. I'd say, no big deal and hand it over. But you are asking hundreds. I want to know what my money is being spent on. 

She outlined, the dinner Friday night. Then Friday night hotel stay which was $120 each, then Saturday doing the big activity. Which was $100 each. So $220+ overall but she needed $220 even for hotel and activity ahead of time. 

I told her I would not be staying at the hotel, but will meet up with them on Saturday for the big activity. So I only pay $100. 

The hotel is a half hour from my house- I'd rather just sleep in my own bed. Hotels weird me out typically with germs and you just never feel comfortable.  

I thought that was reasonable. I go to the big activity, pay for that, and show my face for that. 

Today, she asks me about the $220 dollars. I tell her that I thought I only owed her $100 for the activity. She then tells me that the hotel is $120. 

I tell her that I cannot stay in the hotel Friday night. 

She then says, how the hotel isn't Friday, its Saturday. And she says how they have all fun activities planned for that night to hangout with the bride and play games. 

Now she's putting me on the spot. 

I feel so annoyed and now feeling like the bad friend for not doing the hotel thing. 

If the hotel was somewhere amazing, like some great destination, I'd pay, but it's right near my home, no real scenery or action there. Its in a suburban neighborhood. I don't feel my $120 is worth it. 

So now I told her again how I won't be staying over. I will simply join for the activity Saturday. 

I feel like she's going to tell the bride that I'm difficult. And that's not the case. I told her right away a month ago that I wasn't doing the hotel. I shouldn't have to explain why or make excuses. Now I feel obligated to do it. She put me on the spot. And she changed the hotel night without saying anything to anyone. I have it from one month ago that it's Friday night. Now today it's suddenly Saturday. The disorganization is clear. But I just don't know what to do. What do I do?

 

Do I just do it and cough up the money and stay over?

[melancholy123]

Go home and sleep in your own bed.  What does she care where you sleep?  Join in the hotel activities then say good night and head home.  Dont feel obligated to stay in a hotel if you dont want to.

[Alex39]

9 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Go home and sleep in your own bed.  What does she care where you sleep?  Join in the hotel activities then say good night and head home.  Dont feel obligated to stay in a hotel if you dont want to.

I think they feel slighted by me if I party with them at the hotel, and they are paying for the rooms and I'm not. I don't want to sleep there and it's no one's business. 

[Batya33]

To me this is not about a wedding. It’s simply about a really rude and thoughtless person who is also a poor planner. I’m really mad on your behalf on how the MOH is treating you. And what is this activity that costs $100? Of course you can hang out with them and when you’re tired go home and sleep in your own bed. Because you live close by. Take Lyft if you want to drink.  Or something. Whatever. I don’t even think at this point it’s the bride’s fault. She may be clueless about this situation.  I would do exactly what you plan (other than I’d want to know what my $100 is going for. 

I now remember in 2007 or so my friend got married. I was not in the bridal party.

The MOH wanted us to come to her house for a bachelorette night with someone who was going to show us I think sex toys and maybe pole dancing moves etc. there was a light meal involved and not sure we had to chip in.

I declined. I didn’t feel comfortable going and it didn’t sound fun. As an aside the MOH ended up flaking on our friend the bride shortly after.  My friend understood my decision. I thought it was a poor activity and probably designed to try to sell us stuff. 

[indea08]

I agree with the others that you should not stay at the hotel if you don’t want to. You’ve made yourself VERY CLEAR from the beginning that you won’t do that, and she is being a manipulative b*tc.h about it. Expecting people to just shell out hundreds of dollars like that, especially given the world wide inflation, for SOMEONE ELSE’S wedding is just absolutely insane. I’m glad you’re standing your ground, and I’m glad you’re asking where your money is going. I honestly wouldn’t even give them my money. I’d pay for myself separately from them. They don’t seem trustworthy at all.

[melancholy123]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think they feel slighted by me if I party with them at the hotel, and they are paying for the rooms and I'm not. I don't want to sleep there and it's no one's business. 

There you go.  It's nobody's business where you sleep.  It's that simple.  You are lucky you can go home if you want to.  Ultimately it matters only to you where you sleep.   You aren't obligated to spend money on a hotel you dont want or need.

[Alex39]

This is the type of little stuff thats been happening all along. 

Thank you all for the support. I hate being backed into a corner. 

I hate the whole, shell out hundreds for a weekend you don't plan, want, like, or have a say in. That's valuable money to me. 

And it's sadly expected these days. And expected you don't ask questions. 

Just give money. I asked very nicely for a run down of what the costs were going to be. I don't think that's unreasonable. And I'm 1000% positive she said hotel was Friday, with dinner, then activity Saturday. Now it's all Saturday. When was she going to tell everyone? 

And to ask for hundreds and then be vague. No, I'll dish out my money when you give me details of what it's going to. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I've been very very nice in asking any questions to the bride and MOH. I've never asked a million. I say every time how excited I am for the wedding. I try and be super positive and have offered to help the bride many times with Centerpieces or anything she needs. 

I don't find it necessary to pay $120 for one night in a hotel near my home. To hangout with girls whom I don't know and play silly games. That's a lot of money for something I won't enjoy. 

If it was with my friends, I'd be more apt to go. But I only know the bride. 

I told her a month ago I wasn't staying at the hotel and that I'd do the Saturday activity. Why do I need to keep repeating it and then I'm made to feel like I have to explain, because "you aren't going to join us in showering Roseanna and playing fun games" like I'm ditching them. 

I'm doing the activity during the day. Then if they want dinner, I'm happy to do that. But then I'd like to go home. I don't feel right partying with them in their hotel rooms because I'm not paying for the rooms like they are. And she hasn't offered me to come party with them without payment. 

 

 

[melancholy123]

Seriously, just go home when you've had enough.  You've stated your plan, so stick to it. If someone gets huffy it's their problem.  In the grand scheme where you sleep isn't going to matter to anyone but you. I hate stupid games as well and I'd want to go home too.

Your sleeping plan will be forgotten by them quickly as this is not about you, it's about the wedding. They will be so excited about it, that your preference to go home won't be a topic.

[Wiseman2]

It's always acceptable to decline being in a bridal party. If the time energy and costs leads to this much dissent and resentment it may be best to decline and go as a guest in the future.

[Alex39]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's always acceptable to decline being in a bridal party. If the time energy and costs leads to this much dissent and resentment it may be best to decline and go as a guest in the future.

I happily accepted because the bride is my friend. I bought the pricey bridesmaids dress with no issue. Booked my hair and makeup for myself. I never expected this kind of treatment. I couldn't predict this would happen. 

[Alex39]

And this wedding strikes again. When I had messaged the bride a month ago, asking about hair and makeup and timing, she had told me that, she didn't know, I could do whatever, and she just didn't know.  When I asked when I should be there the day of the wedding she said she didn't know and I should just do whatever. 

So I did. I made a hair and makeup appointment near my house for that morning. I gave a deposit and was happy they could squeeze me in. I booked my appointment for 10 AM, the salon said I'd be done at 11:30 and then I have to drive an hour to the venue. Wedding at 2pm. 

The bride never said to me- I'm trying to book hair and makeup for you girls. She never told me to hold off when I asked about booking at my local salon. She never even gave me an inkling that she was going to offer any services at all. I told her I might book, she said go for it. 

Well now she suddenly comes out of the wood work offering a hair dresser and makeup artist for whomever wants to pay for it the morning of. I'm a bit mad. I don't regret booking with my local salon. But mad that she didn't communicate properly about her intentions at all. I probably would have taken her up on the services and gotten ready with all the ladies that morning, but I put down a deposit for my own salon who is squeezing me in and I am sticking to it. She told me to do whatever I wanted and told me she had no idea of anything. I'm not letting this salon down by trying to cancel when they are opening for me a day they aren't open. 

Well she clearly intended to plan hair and makeup for us. If she had said that a month ago, I would have waited. 

Then to top it off. 

The wedding venue has no where for us to get ready or change. Which is frustrating. It's over an hour away. So I was thinking I'd go right from the salon to the venue. But wearing my dress for an hour with a seat belt on seems like I'll look like a hot mess. But I have to get there and be ready.  

Well now, more annoyance and money. 

One of the bridesmaids, not the MOH, not the bride, a bridesmaid, sends a group message saying how she's booking a big hotel suite- the bridal suite, for the night before the wedding, and thinks we should all pay for it and stay there with the bride. 

I'm like what? In every wedding I've been to, the bride pays for the bridal suite for herself and the girls come and get ready with her there in the morning. 

I found this odd, and on top of it, she wants us to all pay for it. 1. I don't find this necessary. 2. Who is going to be able to get a nice rested sleep, sharing a hotel suite with a bunch of girls? Like I want to be well rested and comfortable. 

So the girl then says, let me know who is chipping in and staying. I nicely say that I will not be staying. 

Then she sends me a message that I found very passive aggressive 

"Well keep in mind that the morning of the bride wants us all there by 5:30 AM sharp xoxo"

Xoxo- like I don't know you. We aren't friends. We've never met. She just wants the cost lowered so wants me to pay. 

I nicely say- Well I'm getting my own hair and makeup done that morning, so I'll be coming later, for the photographs. 

And to top it off, this hotel is a half hour from the venue. Why she chose one so far away, I have no idea. There are plenty of hotels much closer. So now, I have to drive to my local salon 20 minutes away. Then drive to this hotel one hour, then another half hour to the wedding venue. 

Instead of my plan of just going straight there. Because they'll have getting ready pictures at the hotel before and I have to be in them as a bridesmaid. 

I find this utterly ridiculous. 

And I'm sorry, I am not getting there at 5:30 am. I have my hair appointment at 10, so I'll show up after. It's absurd. The only reason it's so early is because they are all getting their hair and makeup done one after another. So you have to start early. But I'm not. 

And I'm sorry, but who are you? The bride hasn't told us any of this- the bride wants us there 5:30 sharp, like let her tell me that. I don't even know you. 

I'm beyond annoyed. I'm not paying for that hotel. That's the bride's job. I'm sleeping in my comfortable bed at home. The weeding isn't until 2pm. I'll show up when I show up. That's what the bride originally told me - Do whatever you want. 

I swear I'm not crazy. Is this really as annoying as I think it is?

 

[melancholy123]

Yes it's as annoying as you t think it is.  No need to be there at 5:30.  Keep your hair appt. take your dress and change at the hotel or church, there's always a bathroom.  Hardly ideal but it can work.  I predict a real sh1t show on the day of.

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Yes it's as annoying as you t think it is.  No need to be there at 5:30.  Keep your hair appt. take your dress and change at the hotel or church, there's always a bathroom.  Hardly ideal but it can work.  I predict a real sh1t show on the day of.

That was my thought too. If I have to, a bathroom will do. I've done it before. I work with what I have. 

I'm so unbelievably frustrated. I told my mother that if I was getting married at this time, I would never ever ask this bride to be my bridesmaid after how I've been made to feel. 

[MissCanuck]

I would not be staying in the bridal suite either. 

You do you. The bride was too late and unclear in giving instructions about hair and makeup. That's on her. The rest? Do your best to let it go. 

I say that because it only serves to upset you further by going over every detail that frustrates you. Now that you have acknowledged the feeling, let them bask in their own chaos. At 5:30am. And I would re-evaluate your friendship with the bride after the wedding. It doesn't sound like she's a good friend to you anymore. 

[Batya33]

Since you are not the bride I wouldn’t do hair or makeup. Do it yourself. The end. This is just an unnecessary time investment and expense particularly for this wedding. I’m sure you’ll look more than fine.