The Bride knows nothing about her own wedding

[Alex39]

My good friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I'm thrilled and honored as I was in previous weddings. It's always fun. 

But....

At first, she was very chilled out. Here are colors, pick whatever dress you want. I thought- cool, this will be a great process. 

But now, I find my friend- the bride, to be overly casual to the point of not giving us any information at all. 

For the longest while she was very vague by telling us they found a venue in X city, but wouldn't even share the name of it. It was odd. 

Then I reached out and asked her what shoes and jewelry she wanted us to wear. 

She acted aloof, and like she didn't want to deal with it. But she's the bride. So then, I told her that often times the girls all wear Beige shoes. So she went with Beige for everyone. 

She never posts information about the wedding to our group chat. And I don't know her other bridesmaids so I often ask her things myself. She's my friend. 

Every time I text her something, I get the vibe that she's annoyed. 

I was in a different wedding last year. The bride was super organized, gave us lots of info and a clear plan and was always communicating with us. Was happy to do it. It was a pleasant experience and I never had to ask any questions at all. 

This bride- it's like crickets and annoyance. She doesn't want to coordinate us at all. But to me, that's the bride's job. She doesn't have a mother and her maid of honor is very non-communicative. She acts like she's leaning on her maid of honor, but I don't find her maid of honor doing much of anything or communicating a lot. 

What annoys me even further is that she works with a few of her bridesmaids day in and day out, and they seem to always know way more information than I do about the wedding. So she talks to them at work. But I text the bride and she acts annoyed. Why not share everything with us all? Me and two other bridesmaids don't work with her or see her that often. 

I don't understand this. 

I'm asking simple questions- what time should we be there? For example. 

I messaged her nicely another day asking about hair and makeup. Again,  I was met with very vague answers and no real help. 

Then, the bride organized hair and makeup for herself the day of the wedding, but we are left to fend for ourselves. Every wedding I've been in, which is 3 now, the bride offers a hairdresser and makeup artist to the bridesmaids, and the bridesmaids pay if they want it. 

I've called a million hairstylists and makeup artists and no one can see me because it's an odd day and time. It's stressful for me to try to do this. 

Then I finally found a hair person who said yes, so I ask the bride what time I should be at the venue, so I can book my hair appointment,  and her answer is "I don't know"

So I literally just booked it when I felt like it and I'll show up whenever. She won't share if the venue has a place to change or area to do last minute styling. Doesn't know what time we should be there. Doesn't tell us a thing. 

The maid of honor coordinated the Bachelorette party with us. That's all set. She was vague with the details of that. I had to ask lots of questions. She literally said she booked a hotel. And I had to ask what hotel, in what city and place. Like that's kind of important. We are traveling.  

But there's no bridal shower date and the wedding is fast approaching. I've asked the maid of honor and she says "I don't know" and says she's still planning it. But it's been months. 

So I figured I'd ask the bride. I ask the bride if there is a date, and share with her that the next two months for me are filling up fast with baby showers and important family occasions,  where I've already accepted invitations  elsewhere. I tell her that I want to be a part of her bridal shower special day, but because it's last minute I may not be able to. 

She responds that she doesn't know anything about the Bachelorette or bridal shower at all and that I need to ask the maid of honor. 

What bride doesnt know the dates of those two inportant functions? 

I tell her that the maid of honor does not know a date and I'm getting nervous I may not be able to attend. I tell her I'd love to be there as her bridesmaid and friend of course. 

She specifies that the maid of honor is busy and probably is still figuring it out. 

Then she says how it would be very weird if the bridal party wasn't at her shower. 

So to me that means- you better be at my shower. 

I'm sorry but that's rude. Then she should get more involved and pick a date for it. She doesn't want anything to do with any of this planning stuff, but she's the bride. I've never had a bride so not involved. 

And I'm sorry, but I'm not missing my other friends wedding that I already rsvp'd to or my best friends baby shower, who already invited me, for this bride's shower. I have obligations to other really good friends and family members who sent me an invite ahead of time. And I agreed to go. 

I'm very confused and frustrated at this whole process. I feel so bad, what if I can't attend her shower?

[Wiseman2]

Let her close friends and family and the main bridesmaid deal with all this. Stop trying to run everyone's show! It's not your wedding! 

[melancholy123]

Maybe you should bow out of being in this wedding, it seems to be too much for you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

Maybe you should bow out of being in this wedding, it seems to be too much for you.

Yes- you are not the right person to be a bridesmaid because you can't be supportive and go with how she chooses to plan -or not plan.  It's kind of like if you interviewed for a job and found out they didn't use the specific systems you like for scheduling, organizing and planning - if that was super important to you -as obviously it is with this wedding you've been asked to work with - then you would be the wrong person because you wouldn't be comfortable adjusting to the new company's way of doing things. 

The bride can choose how she wants to plan the parties that are related to her wedding (the wedding is the ceremony -does she know and love the groom? Does he know and love her -do they have a date for the wedding where they will show up and take their vows? If yes that is the only thing that needs to be planned -that and a wedding officiant and a witness or whatever is required to be married -the rest is event and party planning and irrelevant to her marriage).

That is the bride's job - to show up at her wedding ceremony and hopefully with her whole heart and soul, ready to marry her groom.  The events you mentioned are not important.  I had neither.  Many have neither because it has nothing to do with getting married or the wedding ceremony.  Brides who want events planned as you prescribed often outsource to an event planner.  Or they don't plan well and the event doesn't happen or doesn't go well. Oh well. Nothing to do with getting married.  

Perhaps she'll decide to not have a wedding reception, or a shower, or whatever or decide not to have bridesmaids, dresses, whatever -nothing at all to do with her marriage.  You don't like how she's planning events that are unrelated to the wedding ceremony? Then bow out now and let her be her.  And do it in a classy way "I'm so honored you asked me to be a bridesmaid.  I wish you all the best in your marriage.  Due to my personal circumstances I'm no longer able to be a bridesmaid and I don't want to inconvenience you." 

That is true -it is your personal circumstances -your inability to adjust to her way of doing things.  And your inabilty will hamper your ability to be a supportive person -not fair to her.

(It reminds me when I was planning my cancelled wedding in the late 90s I got cold called by a videographer -I explained to him we didn't plan on having one.  "But you have to!!! Don't you want to be able to see your grandmother at your wedding in the future???" I said "she's dead" and ended the call - same thing - you're trying to impose your way of doing things where it's not your business cause you can bow out - stay in your lane - if you get married and want a reception or events related to getting married -you do you -plan like you want to, ask people to help who you think are up to the task and your specifications - here it's none of your business)

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I feel so bad, what if I can't attend her shower?

Then that would be their fault, for not giving you adequate notice. 

If they're not going to be clear on details, well, it's not your problem if nothing is organized the day of. When is the wedding, anyway? 

If it's too much to manage, gracefully bow out of being a bridesmaid. 

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

She doesn't have a mother and her maid of honor is very non-communicative. She acts like she's leaning on her maid of honor, but I don't find her maid of honor doing much of anything or communicating a lot. 

Do you know who the MOH is?  Maybe reach out to her and have some 1 on 1?  To get things in gear...

Maybe suggest you or her.. or someone start speaking up in the group to get it together.

RE stuff like your make up & hair, I suggest you just do all of that on your own?

Re bachelorette party stuff, yah, you should be informed within the month of.  My daughter in law had help from her mother & grandmother to get stuff mailed out.

I suggest, unless you do get properly informed, just don't show up? ( But try not to get too upset over this - could it be that you're comparing too much to your previous wedding you mentioned?) .

 

[Alex39]

I don't feel I can't handle it or that it's too much. I find the bride is way to not involved. But she doesn't give me anyone to ask. She doesn't have a wedding planner, if she did I would be happy to ask that person. She's planning it herself. So I ask her and she doesn't know. 

I just find I ask simple questions and an met with "I don't know" a lot. Like what time to be there before she walks down the aisle? That's pretty easy. The wedding is at 2, so I ask does she want us there at 11, 12, or 1 ? She doesn't know. But I find that she must know. She's getting her hair abd makeup done at the venue herself,so she must know some timing things. 

I wanted to give the bride a heads up that I may not be able to make her shower, because dates are getting very busy for me. And they don't have a date yet. She pretty much says I should be there no matter what. Well then she should have sent me an invitation in the mail earlier. 

It's that I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to upset her by not going. So I asked when the date was so I could get it in my calendar early so hopefully I could go. 

 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Do you know who the MOH is?  Maybe reach out to her and have some 1 on 1?  To get things in gear...

Maybe suggest you or her.. or someone start speaking up in the group to get it together.

RE stuff like your make up & hair, I suggest you just do all of that on your own?

Re bachelorette party stuff, yah, you should be informed within the month of.  My daughter in law had help from her mother & grandmother to get stuff mailed out.

I suggest, unless you do get properly informed, just don't show up? ( But try not to get too upset over this - could it be that you're comparing too much to your previous wedding you mentioned?) .

 

I message the maid of honor too. And she knows nothing. The bride acts like the maid of honor is her right hand woman for this wedding, but when I message her to ask she also gives me "I don't know" So then I go back to the bride and it's literally me in a circle messaging the bride, who says I don't know, then I mesaage the maid of honor upon the bride's request and the maid of honor doesn't know.

 

The bride never really told us we had to do our own makeup and hair. Nothing is clear. She just said one day how she found a hair and makeup artist for herself. So I messaged her again having to confirm,are we finding our own people? Because some of these hair/makeup people book months out. She didn't even really answer me and said "I don't know yet,I guess do whatever you want"

I think it's important to be clear- you all have to find your own,or I will offer it at the venue. 

So I went off and found my own. She's still up in the air contemplating if she wants to get people to do our hair/makeup. It's too last minute. 

The Bachelorette planning wasn't bad. The maid of honor nailed us down early for a date. But I had to ask a million questions about where, what, etc. You can't expect us to pay hundreds and not know any details. 

That's my plan. If it's on a weekend I can't go. Then I can't go. But you don't know my friend, the bride, she's going to be super mad. 

I am comparing it to the last two weddings I was in. The bride's were both completely different from each other but I never had to ask any questions, they sent us messages every month or so with plans and details. My brother was a groomsmen three times last year. He too said he never had to reach out and ask so many questions. That the groom and the best man were very communicative. 

We're bridesmaids. We are walking down the aisle before you.  We are helping you get ready the morning of. We're with you in photos. There has to be some schedule to this. Hopefully I find out eventually. 

[SooSad33]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We're bridesmaids. We are walking down the aisle before you.  We are helping you get ready the morning of. We're with you in photos. There has to be some schedule to this. Hopefully I find out eventually. 

True. Good point!

 

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

That's my plan. If it's on a weekend I can't go. Then I can't go. But you don't know my friend, the bride, she's going to be super mad. 

Ohh dear 😕 

Well maybe if you just explain to her straight out- what you just said here.. Let her know you need to know more because you do have a few other things going on over the next cpl of months?

( Is she moody a lot? .. Maybe she is lost 😕 .. Maybe she is not sure 'how' to do all of this.. then yes, her MOH should be kicking in here). If you don't feel you can keep trying with the bride, at least explain this to the MOH about your dilemma). 

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

But you don't know my friend, the bride, she's going to be super mad.

Tough cookies. Let her get super mad. It's not your fault if she gives no information and then people wind up having other commitments. 

I have to say, I find it very strange that this person is essentially stone-walling you. I have to wonder if there is more to her dismissive attitude, as I don't believe she genuinely has no clue when anything is happening at her own wedding. 

But again, I will ask: when is the wedding? 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Tough cookies. Let her get super mad. It's not your fault if she gives no information and then people wind up having other commitments. 

I have to say, I find it very strange that this person is essentially stone-walling you. I have to wonder if there is more to her dismissive attitude, as I don't believe she genuinely has no clue when anything is happening at her own wedding. 

But again, I will ask: when is the wedding? 

I don't believe it either. I get the vibe that she knows every little detail, so I'm so confused why she is lying and hiding things. As soon as she got engaged and they started wedding planning she got very secretive like this. Not wanting to say too much about the venue. And when you ask she acts like she knows nothing and has no idea. You picked the place, you are choosing everything. So why act dumb like you know nothing? She shared an inspiration picture with how she wanted us to look as bridesmaids, but she showed it to her co-worker bridesmaids first and they were first to claim dresses before me and the others. I feel like she's all happy and positive with them, but not me.

I didnt experience this attitude with any other brides I've worked with. I remember telling my cousin I was making a hair appointment and asked her what time I should be at the venue. She easily told me with no issue. 

Its all about attitude and vibe too. Like when I message her I get almost a negative vibe. Why? I'm simply asking what time I should be there- What's the big deal?

We are really good friends. I haven't done anything to her. I've even texted her that I would help make Centerpieces etc...

[Wiseman2]

Try out a side hustle as a wedding planner but don't interfere this much in friend's weddings.

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try out a side hustle as a wedding planner but don't interfere this much in friend's weddings.

I'm not interfering. I'm not telling her what to do. I'm not helping with a thing. I don't want to be bossy and I haven't been. It's her thing. 

All I've done is simply ask questions about how she wants us bridesmaids for it, because some things need plans ahead and like most people I have a busy schedule and the hair/makeup thing needs planning ahead. All I've done is ask logistical simple questions. 

[MissCanuck]

@Alex39, when is the wedding? 

[melancholy123]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't feel I can't handle it or that it's too much. I find the bride is way to not involved. But she doesn't give me anyone to ask. She doesn't have a wedding planner, if she did I would be happy to ask that person. She's planning it herself. So I ask her and she doesn't know. 

I just find I ask simple questions and an met with "I don't know" a lot. Like what time to be there before she walks down the aisle? That's pretty easy. The wedding is at 2, so I ask does she want us there at 11, 12, or 1 ? She doesn't know. But I find that she must know. She's getting her hair abd makeup done at the venue herself,so she must know some timing things. 

I wanted to give the bride a heads up that I may not be able to make her shower, because dates are getting very busy for me. And they don't have a date yet. She pretty much says I should be there no matter what. Well then she should have sent me an invitation in the mail earlier. 

It's that I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to upset her by not going. So I asked when the date was so I could get it in my calendar early so hopefully I could go. 

 

You amaze me.  Get a dress in the appropriate colour, and you do know the colour.  Pick out your prettiest necklace and beige shoes.  Get your hair done,  show up at the church, or wherever, one hour before the ceremony and you should be good to go. 

You have a bride who is not being helpful with info so go with what you know.

Stop fretting about the shower.  Send a nice gift.  Problem solved.

Mountains out of molehills.

[Batya33]

You want to know what I think ?  I think there’s drama and she’s not sharing. I think she did know and now she doesn’t because now all is in limbo and she’s either embarrassed or in denial. And you asking just accentuates the limbo situation. But I agree - if there’s no information show up when you think you should and please cut out the judgment of what she’s supposed to do. I realize it leaves you in the dark on particular times and schedules but the mature approach is you show up that day when you think you can or should. If there is a specific date. If there is no specific date and she tells you last minute tell her you can’t make it with so little advance notice if you made other plans.  
That way you can stop the stress of overthinking how you would do if differently. Like I tell my son if you keep scowling or getting all negative your face can freeze that way. Life’s too short to sweat the small stuff. It’s small stuff. 

[LootieTootie]

Go... with... the... flow

I mean, I can't imagine this being any fun or enjoyable worrying why the bride and MOH both know nothing or isn't looping you in. Accept that they aren't keeping you appraised and all you need to do is show up early for the wedding, and if you get an invite to the bacholorette party, great, if not - oh well, go and find something else to preoccupy your time with. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

Go... with... the... flow

I mean, I can't imagine this being any fun or enjoyable worrying why the bride and MOH both know nothing or isn't looping you in. Accept that they aren't keeping you appraised and all you need to do is show up early for the wedding, and if you get an invite to the bacholorette party, great, if not - oh well, go and find something else to preoccupy your time with. 

I don't care if they loop me in on every little thing. I'm asking pretty basic questions do I can plan my schedule for her wedding. That's all. I already got invited to the Bachelorette. That's not an issue at all. I don't care what her wedding looks like, what the decor is, who is going to be there, etc. I'm simply trying to plan and understand. I ask the bride how she wants us to look etc. That's me trying to please her. I ask about timing because I have hair and makeup appointments and these people are squeezing me in. They are busy too. I want to look nice that day too. 

[melancholy123]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's really rude to call me bridesmaidzilla. I'm not demanding, mean,cruel, bossy, or any of the like. I'm just surprised when I ask questions that I think are pretty common and simple, that I get met with no real answers. 

You are indeed asking what could be considered bridesmaidzilla questions.  Nothing satisfies you, you don't like any answer you get.  You need to figure out how to calm yourself down and "go with the flow" since you have no other choice.  The answers you have gotten are all simple and direct, work with what you know.  Stop pestering others for details that they cant or won't give you.  

[MissCanuck]

For the fourth time - when is this wedding?

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm asking pretty basic questions

So am I, and you have not answered the question. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

You are indeed asking what could be considered bridesmaidzilla questions.  Nothing satisfies you, you don't like any answer you get.  You need to figure out how to calm yourself down and "go with the flow" since you have no other choice.  The answers you have gotten are all simple and direct, work with what you know.  Stop pestering others for details that they cant or won't give you.  

Also I found the title of your post offensive especially when I read the details - you're referring to event and party planning - why assume the bride knows nothing about the wedding ceremony and her upcoming marital commitment- that's the wedding.  You're referring to the wedding reception and ancillary parties and getting all judgey in your post and especially in the title - 

Now you're saying your real title/inquiry is: "I'm worried that I won't be a good bridesmaid" - and those are the responses you got, ranging from -don't worry -just show up when it makes sense to you, ok if you miss the shower if she doesn't tell you when it is. 

As far as looking nice -I don't get it - put on clothing -the bridesmaid dress if it comes in time -or whatever looks flattering and appropriate for the venue and if you're questioned about what you are wearing explain simply and politely you didn't get details about what to wear. Do your own hair and makeup.  Maybe she will too (and anyway you're not the bride -this is not about you). So then you'll look nice. (And please don't go there with the "I'll ruin the photos if we're not all matchy matchy")

[Rose Mosse]

It seems the other bridesmaids knowing details bothered you quite a bit early on and you’re feeling left out. They must have sensed you were annoyed and got a little put off too.

If someone isn’t receptive to questions just back off a bit and let them explain it eventually once they’re ready. The back and forth “I don’t know” between her and her MOH are them taking the piss out of you. I think they’re doing it because they get a laugh. It’s a ***ty way to treat friends and I’m sorry. It doesn’t seem the friendship is as close or as close as you thought. 

In all, what a mess and headache. On the one hand please let go that anyone wanted to hurt you at the start not sharing info as fast and second, get rid of lousy friends. 

 

[Lambert]

maybe she really doesn't want to get married to the guy. 

One does think the bride would not only know but be excited to discuss. 

But... that's not happening here.  if it's too much for you, tell her you won't be in it.  

Maybe she regrets asking you.

Who knows! but I'd stop making myself crazy over someone else's problem.  Yes. You're a friend and you care but you should not care more than she does. 

Let people be who and do as they choose. Not your life. With that said, you can decide this is not the situation for you.  Maybe set a boundary with her "her girlfriend, would love to be part of your big day, but to be in the wedding, I need at least 30 days notice to plan on my end. If you can't be more specific by then, I can't be in it. "

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It seems the other bridesmaids knowing details bothered you quite a bit early on and you’re feeling left out. They must have sensed you were annoyed and got a little put off too.

If someone isn’t receptive to questions just back off a bit and let them explain it eventually once they’re ready. The back and forth “I don’t know” between her and her MOH are them taking the piss out of you. I think they’re doing it because they get a laugh. It’s a ***ty way to treat friends and I’m sorry. It doesn’t seem the friendship is as close or as close as you thought. 

In all, what a mess and headache. On the one hand please let go that anyone wanted to hurt you at the start not sharing info as fast and second, get rid of lousy friends. 

 

Yes- I see the party planning aspects of this too and how annoying it is -whether concerning a wedding or just planning some other sort of event.  But my initial advice stands -there's no right or wrong -if you are a person OP who needs more details than are being given then the answer is not to criticize the bride for not "knowing anything about her wedding" but rather as I suggested simply tell the bride with class and dignity that you realize that in your personal circumstances you cannot be a bridesmaid. 

Like I wrote above it's like if you interviewed for a job where they had no systems in place and were disorganized to a point where you knew you couldn't do your job properly you wouldn't take that job.  But another person might be happy with how things were done or at least comfortable.

You go down the path of judgey and harsh at the drop of a hat. (Like how you describe your mother). It's bad for your blood pressure.  And, even worse, you are single, you've never planned your own wedding ceremony let alone reception, and you can have all the ideas and plans you want and tout yourself as some "well I WOULD DO IT THIS WAY OF COURSE" and cast stones at anyone else who dares not to follow what you see as tradition -but you've never planned a marriage with a partner, with his family, with your family, you've never had a partner where you talked about marriage and got engaged and set a specific wedding date. 

So you can imagine and assume all you would do and how mannerly and traditional and appropriate and proper it would be but there's a piece missing cause you've never experienced it.

Certainly many people -me included - knew a lot about parenting and marriage etc before doing it -certainly I had opinions that counted despite being single and without a baby - and a lot of that planning and such helped me a lot - but there's great positivity in being humble -knowing what you don't know and cannot know. 

You come across as this righteous armchairv judgey type person and it's even worse because you've never been in that situation. I also think there's a great chance this bride is struggling -not with silly party planning -with her upcoming marital commitment and that is why it's presenting as flakiness in the party planning.  Because I've been there -I wasn't flaky but I was having panic attacks while planning because I didn't feel right about the marriage.

[melancholy123]

Well said Batya!