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The Bride knows nothing about her own wedding


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Every wedding party my husband and I've belonged to was very organized as was my own wedding.  We all knew what to do, we were very informed and there was never any confusion.  We tend to be very organized people as our friends and family.  This is the norm for us and to be expected.

As for your friend, the bride-to-be, I'd graciously decline from being a member of the bridal party NOW.  Better NOW than later!  Make sure the entire bridal party is informed regarding your final decision.  I wouldn't give her nor anyone excuses either.  Chaos speaks for itself.  I'd give the bride and groom a nice online VISA gift card (whatever you can afford) via her text or email address.  Inform the bride and the bridal party that you will attend as a guest.  Send your well wishes and exit this entire bridal party process immediately. 

If your friend balks and threatens you with uninviting you to her wedding, send her a practical VISA gift card and a kind, congratulatory message to go along with it.  This is what I would do.  

I too do not enjoy being with flaky people.  They're too unreliable and undependable.  I don't like disorder.  

All bridal and baby showers including my own were very organized because it's common sense.

I wouldn't attend the bachelorette party. 

Do what you want to do.  You don't have to please everyone.  Do what you need to do to save your sanity.  This is how I am.  I too do not like complicated situations, lack of communication,  lack of correspondence and not knowing what is to be.  I want to know schedules, locations and remain on the same page with everyone involved.  Most people do!

Since you've RSVP'd your other friends' bridal and baby showers, attend those. 

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I agree that typically wedding receptions and showers are reasonably organized just like any other large event. It’s just that people who want those parties often have a wedding party and often they are friends of bride or groom.

Unlike other events where that sort of participation is minimal other than let’s say a potluck type of event or rotating book club hosted at someone’s home. I only had issues with flakiness / thoughtlessness after 9-11 where I needed assistance pre internet shifting from plane to train, and with brides who picked ugly can never wear again dresses. 

I agree she should bow out now for exactly why you said. I wrote that above too. Her harsh comments though are uncalled for particularly because of the option of bowing  out.
 

Also since this apparently is a good friend perhaps there’s a way to gently find out if there’s issues with the marital commitment and relationship.  If so perhaps she can be supportive in that way if she can’t help with party planning. 

And given all her posts where she’s stressed out about a brides or expectant mom flakiness or poor choices in her opinion she should reconsider taking on this job unless it’s as a professional event planner since she obviously enjoys it and has very specific standards about how it should be done. 

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also I found the title of your post offensive especially when I read the details - you're referring to event and party planning - why assume the bride knows nothing about the wedding ceremony and her upcoming marital commitment- that's the wedding.  You're referring to the wedding reception and ancillary parties and getting all judgey in your post and especially in the title - 

Now you're saying your real title/inquiry is: "I'm worried that I won't be a good bridesmaid" - and those are the responses you got, ranging from -don't worry -just show up when it makes sense to you, ok if you miss the shower if she doesn't tell you when it is. 

As far as looking nice -I don't get it - put on clothing -the bridesmaid dress if it comes in time -or whatever looks flattering and appropriate for the venue and if you're questioned about what you are wearing explain simply and politely you didn't get details about what to wear. Do your own hair and makeup.  Maybe she will too (and anyway you're not the bride -this is not about you). So then you'll look nice. (And please don't go there with the "I'll ruin the photos if we're not all matchy matchy")

I didn't say one word about ruining the photos if we don't match. 

I wasn't even thinking that. 

Every other wedding I've been in, the bride is very clear about the shoes, jewelry, hair, style she wants us to have, so I wanted to make sure I was doing everything that this bride wanted.

 

At this point, I am not asking any more questions and I am just going to go with the flow and do my own thing, since she acts annoyed when I ask anyway. 

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10 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

It seems the other bridesmaids knowing details bothered you quite a bit early on and you’re feeling left out. They must have sensed you were annoyed and got a little put off too.

If someone isn’t receptive to questions just back off a bit and let them explain it eventually once they’re ready. The back and forth “I don’t know” between her and her MOH are them taking the piss out of you. I think they’re doing it because they get a laugh. It’s a ***ty way to treat friends and I’m sorry. It doesn’t seem the friendship is as close or as close as you thought. 

In all, what a mess and headache. On the one hand please let go that anyone wanted to hurt you at the start not sharing info as fast and second, get rid of lousy friends. 

 

This is accurate. I guess I don't understand the annoyance at all. I've been extremely excited, friendly, and communicative this whole time. That's why it confuses me. I would never be annoyed or frustrated if one of my bridesmaids asked me anything. 

And then pretty much shaking me off every time. Again, if that were me, I would be like "I'm not sure, but I will get you that information as soon as I can"

I'd never act annoyed at all. I don't get why. I've been a really good supportive friend. 

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10 hours ago, Lambert said:

maybe she really doesn't want to get married to the guy. 

One does think the bride would not only know but be excited to discuss. 

But... that's not happening here.  if it's too much for you, tell her you won't be in it.  

Maybe she regrets asking you.

Who knows! but I'd stop making myself crazy over someone else's problem.  Yes. You're a friend and you care but you should not care more than she does. 

Let people be who and do as they choose. Not your life. With that said, you can decide this is not the situation for you.  Maybe set a boundary with her "her girlfriend, would love to be part of your big day, but to be in the wedding, I need at least 30 days notice to plan on my end. If you can't be more specific by then, I can't be in it. "

That's why I'm confused. All the other weddings I've been in the bride was overjoyed to talk about it. 

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- I see the party planning aspects of this too and how annoying it is -whether concerning a wedding or just planning some other sort of event.  But my initial advice stands -there's no right or wrong -if you are a person OP who needs more details than are being given then the answer is not to criticize the bride for not "knowing anything about her wedding" but rather as I suggested simply tell the bride with class and dignity that you realize that in your personal circumstances you cannot be a bridesmaid. 

Like I wrote above it's like if you interviewed for a job where they had no systems in place and were disorganized to a point where you knew you couldn't do your job properly you wouldn't take that job.  But another person might be happy with how things were done or at least comfortable.

You go down the path of judgey and harsh at the drop of a hat. (Like how you describe your mother). It's bad for your blood pressure.  And, even worse, you are single, you've never planned your own wedding ceremony let alone reception, and you can have all the ideas and plans you want and tout yourself as some "well I WOULD DO IT THIS WAY OF COURSE" and cast stones at anyone else who dares not to follow what you see as tradition -but you've never planned a marriage with a partner, with his family, with your family, you've never had a partner where you talked about marriage and got engaged and set a specific wedding date. 

So you can imagine and assume all you would do and how mannerly and traditional and appropriate and proper it would be but there's a piece missing cause you've never experienced it.

Certainly many people -me included - knew a lot about parenting and marriage etc before doing it -certainly I had opinions that counted despite being single and without a baby - and a lot of that planning and such helped me a lot - but there's great positivity in being humble -knowing what you don't know and cannot know. 

You come across as this righteous armchairv judgey type person and it's even worse because you've never been in that situation. I also think there's a great chance this bride is struggling -not with silly party planning -with her upcoming marital commitment and that is why it's presenting as flakiness in the party planning.  Because I've been there -I wasn't flaky but I was having panic attacks while planning because I didn't feel right about the marriage.

I don't care how she's planning etc.i just don't understand the annoyance and rudeness at basic questions. 

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Just now, Alex39 said:

That's why I'm confused. All the other weddings I've been in the bride was overjoyed to talk about it. 

Those other brides felt joyous about the parties and events- they liked party planning, they liked all those details -nothing to do with the marriage or the wedding.  My sister was a joyous bride who wanted zero to do with the planning -as little as possible - she agreed to the big reception to be accomodating but she was fine turning over the reins to my mom and his mom and so all details were worked out through them (and the wedding party was just me as MOH and his brother as best man). 

This bride does not and unfortunately it's inconveniencing you because you want to know concrete details so you can plan.  But the ad hominem comments on her and the harshness and judgment are uncalled for -simply step aside in a polite and classy way -I mean you're so focused on how you expect others to act - take some lessons for yourself and step aside as Cheryln suggested.  

I wrote about your title and your attitude - you conveniently ignored what I wrote. 

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Posted (edited)
46 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't care how she's planning etc.i just don't understand the annoyance and rudeness at basic questions. 

You don't have to - all you need to do is realize you're not the right person for what she is looking for.  Step aside so you she can replace you ASAP.

Also you didn't respond above -since you claim she is your good friend is there a careful and thoughtful way to ask her - in person or on the phone -not text -whether everything is ok with her as far as her relationship, her upcoming marriage -the marriage -not the parties, not the shower, not the hair and makeup or bachelorette -the marriage - which is all that matters.

I had to fake it a lot when I was planning my cancelled wedding and it was so good to have a few people who I could open up to even though for awhile I was in denial -going full steam ahead with planning and trying to tamp down the growing panic and anxiety.  This could be why she's so flaky/aloof.  Can you check in with her?  You say you want to be supportive - forget about supportive about beige shoes -this is the important way to be supportive IMO.

Also maybe your excitement about the party planning part is too much for her -especially if she's having doubts or anxious - you mean well!! - but the cheerleader thing might be grating on her if she's not overjoyed to be getting married.  

Edited by Batya33
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I understand you completely because you and I have similar personalities. 

Whether it was a friend, family member or me, we've always had excellent communication and regular correspondence regarding any advanced planning, organization or questions answered.  No one was dismissive nor 'left in the dark.'  Everyone was in the loop so on the day of the event, we all knew what to do and it was a smooth day.  It's the way it should be which is a given and common sense.  Anything short of that results in confusion, chaos, disorder, poor planning and unorganized outcomes. 

You are very reasonable.  I too don't like it when there's a special occasion run by a bunch of people who don't know what they're doing or worse yet, simply don't care.  Then to make matters worse, no questions are answered and you're left with an uneasy feeling. 

There shouldn't be annoyance and rudeness for your basic questions. 

Generally, every special occasion I've attended or hosted was always very organized and everyone was informed so we knew our roles and responsibilities.  Everyone I know is very organized and communicative which makes the event enjoyable instead of questionable.

I'd exit your bridal party membership.  It's better not to stress.  Attending just the wedding is so much easier. 

 

 

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When reading the frosty/cold shoulder attitude of the bride and MOH, I can't help but get the overall impression that they find all your constant questions annoying and frustrating.  It feels like they don't want you there and are hoping you'll step out.  Of course, this is a really nasty thing to do in the first place, to have asked you to be a bridesmaid.

I think you come across as over enthusiastic, too pushy, and very overwhelming, which becomes annoying.  I don't know if this is the case, but if it is, that could be a reason for them giving you the cold shoulder.  Just something to think about.

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13 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You are very reasonable.  I too don't like it when there's a special occasion run by a bunch of people who don't know what they're doing or worse yet, simply don't care.  Then to make matters worse, no questions are answered and you're left with an uneasy feeling. 

But how she chose to frame it was unreasonable with her harsh judgment that her good friend who is getting married doesn't know anything about her own wedding.  That frames it as overly harsh and judgmental as opposed to her understandable annoyance and frustration at the poor planning which has greatly inconvenienced her.  That's what gives me pause and it's not just semantics.  That's why I've suggested to exit but perhaps to broach with the bride whether there is something important going on -not with party planning -with her impending marriage.

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Posted (edited)
40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But how she chose to frame it was unreasonable with her harsh judgment that her good friend who is getting married doesn't know anything about her own wedding.  That frames it as overly harsh and judgmental as opposed to her understandable annoyance and frustration at the poor planning which has greatly inconvenienced her.  That's what gives me pause and it's not just semantics.  That's why I've suggested to exit but perhaps to broach with the bride whether there is something important going on -not with party planning -with her impending marriage.

It's ok to be internally judgmental and reconsider if partaking in this occasion will either be difficult or smooth.  It's ok to be judgemental regarding poor planning, disorder and disorganization which causes confusion, lack of communication, lack of correspondence, lack of answers to important questions and there is no advanced idea of what the heck is going on. 

The bride's impending or upcoming marriage is not anyone's business except the bride and groom's.  The bridal party is merely its supporting cast for the wedding day and without support regarding what to do is nothing short of chaotic.  Being left to figure it out on one's own and left scrambling doesn't make the participant feel secure and confident that everything will go without a hitch. 

I would like to know important details.  Everyone should be on the same page.  A conductor orchestrates otherwise the orchestra is a hot mess. 

I agree, it's better to graciously and respectfully exit from the bridal party and inform them all to prevent any further confusion. 

There is nothing harsh about internally framing frustration and deciding that it's not worth the unnecessary extra stress to participate for the sake of the wedding.  It's better to attend as a guest, wish the nuptials well, provide them with a nice gift and be done with it. 

Edited by Cherylyn
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She wrote that the bride knows nothing about her own wedding.  That is unbelievably harsh and speaks volumes - cumulatively with her other posts in other threads -about her general mindset about how things have to be.  Aside from that of course I'd be frustrated if asked to help plan an event with all these roadblocks.  How she's chosen to frame it -again cumulatively with how judgey she's been about other similar situations -speaks volumes.  I'd say she's jealous and it presents in this way, or she simply is channeling her mom's way of treating her as she's described. Who knows.

It's offensive to describe a bride in this way and offensive to elevate party planning to "knows nothing about her wedding." 

What does she know about marriage and wedding vows other than as an outsider? As I wrote of course you don't' have to be married to have values and views about marriage but she's gone much further than that and lacks the humility to know what she doesn't know.  And I still don't know why she hasn't even thought about asking her good friend how she is doing -not with party planning -with her relationship.  Isn't that what good friends do if they can?

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1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

When reading the frosty/cold shoulder attitude of the bride and MOH, I can't help but get the overall impression that they find all your constant questions annoying and frustrating.  It feels like they don't want you there and are hoping you'll step out.  Of course, this is a really nasty thing to do in the first place, to have asked you to be a bridesmaid.

I think you come across as over enthusiastic, too pushy, and very overwhelming, which becomes annoying.  I don't know if this is the case, but if it is, that could be a reason for them giving you the cold shoulder.  Just something to think about.

I have barely asked any questions. I asked one time about shoes, jewelry, etc. I asked another time about hair and makeup and then another about the shower. 

That's it, in the last year. I don't find that to be a lot. 

I haven't been pushy at all about the wedding, how she's doing things, or any of that stuff at all. It's her wedding. I'm just trying to play my part correctly. 

I also asked questions pertaining to the Bachelorette when the MOH brought it up and she was asking for money. I nicely asked for a breakdown of what it was for and I offered help decorating in a nice way. 

The bride and the three girls she works with, one is the MOH, seen overly chummy and they seen very clicky. I think it's dumb. We're all 30 years old. 

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51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She wrote that the bride knows nothing about her own wedding.  That is unbelievably harsh and speaks volumes - cumulatively with her other posts in other threads -about her general mindset about how things have to be.  Aside from that of course I'd be frustrated if asked to help plan an event with all these roadblocks.  How she's chosen to frame it -again cumulatively with how judgey she's been about other similar situations -speaks volumes.  I'd say she's jealous and it presents in this way, or she simply is channeling her mom's way of treating her as she's described. Who knows.

It's offensive to describe a bride in this way and offensive to elevate party planning to "knows nothing about her wedding." 

What does she know about marriage and wedding vows other than as an outsider? As I wrote of course you don't' have to be married to have values and views about marriage but she's gone much further than that and lacks the humility to know what she doesn't know.  And I still don't know why she hasn't even thought about asking her good friend how she is doing -not with party planning -with her relationship.  Isn't that what good friends do if they can?

I disagree. To me, the bride knows nothing about what's going on, as she simply answers "I don't know" to everything. 

Do I think she really knows nothing? No. But she isn't sharing easily. 

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Well, several of us have suggested she bow out from participating in this wedding as it appears to be too much for her.  I would bet money she doesn't do that.  I think she will go.  

I also think the bride knows what is going on, what the details are, and for some odd reason is not sharing with the OP.  That in itself is enough reason to back out.  Politely of course.

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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

This is accurate. I guess I don't understand the annoyance at all. I've been extremely excited, friendly, and communicative this whole time. That's why it confuses me. I would never be annoyed or frustrated if one of my bridesmaids asked me anything. 

And then pretty much shaking me off every time. Again, if that were me, I would be like "I'm not sure, but I will get you that information as soon as I can"

I'd never act annoyed at all. I don't get why. I've been a really good supportive friend. 

Some people are just like that. This is causing a lot of frustration and stress. The bottomline is that these ladies aren’t friends. They don’t seem to be acting like friends and they don’t care about the way you feel. 

I strongly suggest being around people who care for your well-being. You mention having a full schedule and attending other parties and weddings in the upcoming months. Focus on the friends who value you and care about you regardless if the world is falling apart to pieces. Weddings seem to bring the best and the absolute worst out of people. Don’t let this get the better of you. 

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2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

I also think the bride knows what is going on, what the details are, and for some odd reason is not sharing with the OP.  That in itself is enough reason to back out.  Politely of course.

I agree. 

Which is why I asked when the wedding was. If it was still several months away, then I could see why the bride wouldn't know concrete details yet. But just two months out? Yeah. She knows more than she is sharing. 

I don't know what's up with them, OP, but I would not be keen to participate at this point. It's becoming too much hassle. 

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She wrote that the bride knows nothing about her own wedding.  That is unbelievably harsh and speaks volumes - cumulatively with her other posts in other threads -about her general mindset about how things have to be.  Aside from that of course I'd be frustrated if asked to help plan an event with all these roadblocks.  How she's chosen to frame it -again cumulatively with how judgey she's been about other similar situations -speaks volumes.  I'd say she's jealous and it presents in this way, or she simply is channeling her mom's way of treating her as she's described. Who knows.

It's offensive to describe a bride in this way and offensive to elevate party planning to "knows nothing about her wedding." 

What does she know about marriage and wedding vows other than as an outsider? As I wrote of course you don't' have to be married to have values and views about marriage but she's gone much further than that and lacks the humility to know what she doesn't know.  And I still don't know why she hasn't even thought about asking her good friend how she is doing -not with party planning -with her relationship.  Isn't that what good friends do if they can?

OP, Alex39 has every right to be judgemental, harsh and speak volumes because she can't in good conscience be an effective member of the bridal party if she doesn't get concrete answers when she asks for them which is not farfetched.  She's asking simple, direct, typical questions which most bridal party members would've asked or shouldn't have to ask in the first place had the bride been more organized and on top of everything which is common sense. 

Some people are talented at being highly organized, efficient and runs a tight ship.  This makes for a great outcome especially for special events which require precise execution in order to run smoothly and successfully. 

Every wedding, bridal and baby shower I've ever attended including my own had been very organized, well thought out, planned meticulously and methodically as it should.  Do it right or don't do it at all.  Never do a half _______ed job.

I doubt jealousy has anything to do with it.  Alex39 wants to participate in an orderly fashion as most people would.  She wants communication, correspondence and unison efforts so everyone is on the same page.  Not knowing leaves everyone in a state of disorder and frustrating chaos.  It's poor management. No organization will thrive without anyone at the helm or any cohesive team work and effort put forth.

'Knows nothing about her wedding' is the same as saying, 'Why have a wedding if you don't know what you're doing?'  Don't mess up.  Plan, organize and execute.  It's not that difficult if you're orderly and methodical.  I've done it.  My friends have done it and it all went without a hitch which was to be expected.  Some people have the natural born talent for it whereas others aren't the type.  If you aren't the type, then don't host a big shindig otherwise everyone else won't have a good time either. 

She doesn't have to delve into how her friend is doing.  Her so-called friend isn't communicating effectively.  The main concentration here is Alex39's ambivalence regarding her bridal party status and her doubts.  When in doubt, get out! 

Graciously bow out, inform the bride to be, bring a nice gift, attend as a guest, wish the nuptials all the best and decrease your stress.  You don't need this type of unnecessary angst.  Make it easy for yourself and get it over and done with as just the wedding guest, no more no less.

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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I disagree. To me, the bride knows nothing about what's going on, as she simply answers "I don't know" to everything. 

Do I think she really knows nothing? No. But she isn't sharing easily. 

The bride sounds ditzy.  "I don't know" makes you or anyone feel uneasy and there's no sense of order which is an insecure feeling. 

Every event requires careful advanced planning and organization otherwise it will fail.

If she isn't willing to share, then don't be in the bridal party because it isn't fun anymore.  This doesn't feel right.  It's messed up so make your exit sooner than later.

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You have your dress and shoes, you're in charge of your own hair and makeup, and you know the date and time of the wedding.

I'd consider that all of the info I'd need to operate at a bare minimum, and if anyone needs anything else from me, they know how to reach me.

I'd have a great gift ready for the shower, and if I'm invited too late to make it, I'd send my regrets and mail or drop off the gift. If the bride has an issue with that, she can either recognize that the invite was too late, or she can 'fire' me from the wedding. Up to her, I'd just keep my receipts.

Instead of stressing, I'd focus on the great time I'm going to have at the reception, and beyond that, I'd trust that if anyone needs anything from me, they'll have no problem letting me know. 

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You seem to need way too much handholding. It's possible they're avoiding you for that reason. Do you really need to pester the bride chronically about minutia you could figure out yourself?

When you get appropriate treatment for your anxiety, clinginess and intrusive behavior, people will avoid you a lot less.

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I disagree. To me, the bride knows nothing about what's going on, as she simply answers "I don't know" to everything. 

Do I think she really knows nothing? No. But she isn't sharing easily. 

She doesn't know about the party planning or doesn't have the specific information you want -your title suggested she knows nothing about her wedding.  A wedding is a marriage -wedding vows which hopefully someday you will take as you seem very interested in getting married.  A wedding is not the parties or the shower or what color the shoes are or the scheduling of parties.

If you end up wanting a wedding reception and/or a shower, a bachelorette party or even a gender reveal if that is your situation then (lol) go for it and pick those people who are on the same wavelength as you to the smallest details -be very selective because you know exactly what you want as far as the parties and events.  I hope you plan for your marriage more than the parties but that's up to you.

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to need way too much handholding. It's possible they're avoiding you for that reason. Do you really need to pester the bride chronically about minutia you could figure out yourself?

When you get appropriate treatment for your anxiety, clinginess and intrusive behavior, people will avoid you a lot less.

You said exactly what I have been thinking.  I also wonder why she was asked to be in the wedding in the first place.

Edited by melancholy123
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