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The Bride knows nothing about her own wedding


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5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The bride sounds ditzy.  "I don't know" makes you or anyone feel uneasy and there's no sense of order which is an insecure feeling. 

Every event requires careful advanced planning and organization otherwise it will fail.

If she isn't willing to share, then don't be in the bridal party because it isn't fun anymore.  This doesn't feel right.  It's messed up so make your exit sooner than later.

It's not her event.  So if it fails it's not on her. I agree she should bow out and stop being judgmental about the bride knowing nothing about her wedding - that's uncalled for on her end.  Particularly given her harsh and withering judgments of people in her other threads which she recognized was her mother's influence on her.  I hope she gets help for that whether professional or otherwise.

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You said exactly what I have been thinking.  I also wonder why she was asked to be in the wedding in the first place.

She says the bride is her good friend and she is thrilled for her.  That is why I suggested if she possibly can to see if she can have a heart to heart as far as what might be going on.  Maybe the MOH knows and is trying to be protective. 

I would step away from the event planning role as bridesmaid and instead put on the Good Friend Hat -and in that role put aside the flaky, unreliable event planning behavior that is frustrating her (I would be frustrated too -I just wouldn't assume the bride knows nothing about her "wedding") - and simply show up as she would whether this was a marriage or engagement or serious relationship where something seemed off. 

If what is off is actually that for some odd reason they no longer want her help in the wedding and they're doing it in this passive aggressive way -unfair and nasty for sure -she'll find out -but maybe if it's something going on that is about the relationship she can be a shoulder, a safe place for her good friend.

(Two weeks before my wedding - I spent 6.5 weeks planning it - I learned my MIL hadn't done the one thing I asked her to -to make a reservation at the place we'd have lunch -it was their regular place so I figured my inlaws should call -she had made "a" reservation but not at the right time for our party of 12.  It was frustrating and she didn't seem to care.  But I focused on the big picture and fixed the issue. Likewise two days before my wedding my mom told me I couldn't stay at their place because my sister was and there wasn't room.  They lived close to my inlaws -me not as close.  I was upset and put off and made the best of it and moved on from it -again, bigger picture. 

My wedding cake didn't show up at the restaurant on time either.

I realize Alex is referring to bigger issues -like no info at all and she is foregoing other events to be at this one -but I was the bride, so it hampered me a lot more than a bridesmaid I'd assume.  Most weddings if they involve parties, etc don't go off smoothly.  Alex's will apparently as she has been planning on all the details of how she would do things but most do not.  This is not the right wedding for Alex to be a bridesmaid in but there is a spectrum of smooth/organized to chaos is my main point). 

Edited by Batya33
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On 7/1/2022 at 6:14 PM, Alex39 said:

I already got invited to the Bachelorette. That's not an issue at all. 

 

Sorry my mistake. It was another post you had posted not being invited to a bachelorette party where you hardly knew the the bride. 

I love what Batya said and she said something I was thinking about. I read your posts and I always think you're either being self-righteous or just petty. You're becoming your mom.

I'm not sure if you and your mom are super close but I recommend therapy or find other avenues that can help you grow out of the wanting to control, dictate or/and judge situations/people that you have no control of.

I think if you did some deep self-reflection, you might be able to see there some flaws in your thought process and ways to correct it so next time, you're not getting all bent out of shape over things you can't control. It's so important to a person's growth when they find healthy ways to deal and manage their emotions without projecting on others.

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11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The bride sounds ditzy.  "I don't know" makes you or anyone feel uneasy and there's no sense of order which is an insecure feeling. 

Every event requires careful advanced planning and organization otherwise it will fail.

If she isn't willing to share, then don't be in the bridal party because it isn't fun anymore.  This doesn't feel right.  It's messed up so make your exit sooner than later.

I appreciate the support here. I don't care about what her wedding is like. I'm not planning it.  But it's a big event. I'm not asking- hey what is your decor, then judging. I could careless.

This venue is over an hour away. Its a long day for me. I have to find my own hair and makeup people who then need times that day. The rehearsal is Saturday, I know nothing about that and the wedding is Sunday. 

Why ask me to be in it, then not tell me a thing? I haven't done anything wrong. I've been a supportive friend, even messaged to ask her if she needs help building Centerpieces and such. I think that's a nice bridesmaid thing to do. 

Being a bridesmaid is a lot of money, time, effort, so being very vague to me is not the right thing to do, when we are dishing out a lot for your day. I want and will be in her wedding. I'm honored to be asked. I guess just very confused with the attitude. And that she talks all chummy about the wedding to her co-workers,but why not the same for me?

 

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to need way too much handholding. It's possible they're avoiding you for that reason. Do you really need to pester the bride chronically about minutia you could figure out yourself?

When you get appropriate treatment for your anxiety, clinginess and intrusive behavior, people will avoid you a lot less.

I do not constantly pester her at all. In one year I've asked her 

1.Shoes/jewelry question

2. Bridal shower date

3. Bridal shower date again

4. Times for hair/makeup, when to be at venue

 

That's 4 questions in one year. 4. I don't think that's a lot at all. I haven't pestered her, or pressured her. I literally say "hey when you get the chance for the wedding what time should we be there? Just trying to book my hair appointment. "

 

I don't consider that pestering at all. 

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2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I appreciate the support here. I don't care about what her wedding is like. I'm not planning it.  But it's a big event. I'm not asking- hey what is your decor, then judging. I could careless.

This venue is over an hour away. Its a long day for me. I have to find my own hair and makeup people who then need times that day. The rehearsal is Saturday, I know nothing about that and the wedding is Sunday. 

Why ask me to be in it, then not tell me a thing? I haven't done anything wrong. I've been a supportive friend, even messaged to ask her if she needs help building Centerpieces and such. I think that's a nice bridesmaid thing to do. 

Being a bridesmaid is a lot of money, time, effort, so being very vague to me is not the right thing to do, when we are dishing out a lot for your day. I want and will be in her wedding. I'm honored to be asked. I guess just very confused with the attitude. And that she talks all chummy about the wedding to her co-workers,but why not the same for me?

 

I do not think you’ve done anything wrong here either. Do you mind me asking how you know this person? Where/how did you meet?

I wouldn’t have joined in with an event like this if I knew that person’s character ahead of time or her chaotic way of doing things. 

Are you going to continue participating? If so give it the least amount of effort as that’s what she’s showing she needs from you - practically nil and zero. Have an outfit and do your hair/makeup on your own and don’t bother making appointments. Once the event is over slowly distance yourself as this wasn’t a pleasant experience. 

I understand you’re looking for female friends but I don’t think you get along with this woman. Be open to letting go of the friendship as she’s not what you thought she’d be. Don’t spend energies wishing to change someone or that someone is more similar to you.

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4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

4 questions in one year. 4. I don't think that's a lot at all

I don't think it's a lot, either. 

Something is off here. How much do you talk or see each other, apart from wedding-related chats? 

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I do not think you’ve done anything wrong here either. Do you mind me asking how you know this person? Where/how did you meet?

I wouldn’t have joined in with an event like this if I knew that person’s character ahead of time or her chaotic way of doing things. 

Are you going to continue participating? If so give it the least amount of effort as that’s what she’s showing she needs from you - practically nil and zero. Have an outfit and do your hair/makeup on your own and don’t bother making appointments. Once the event is over slowly distance yourself as this wasn’t a pleasant experience. 

I understand you’re looking for female friends but I don’t think you get along with this woman. Be open to letting go of the friendship as she’s not what you thought she’d be. Don’t spend energies wishing to change someone or that someone is more similar to you.

We met in college, as she was dating my best guy friend. They broke up, but ee got much closer after college as friends. We've been friends for many years. She can be very opinionated sonetimes to the point of bossy, but I don't see a reason for her to be for this occasion. She can also be super nice and supportive. 

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6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think it's a lot, either. 

Something is off here. How much do you talk or see each other, apart from wedding-related chats? 

I introduced her into my girl group and now we are all friends. I am the only one she invited to be in the wedding. We are closer and have known each other longer. I was so elated. She came to my house, asked me to be in it. We had a nice time, and we talked about her wedding. After that she got really weird anytime I texted her a question.  

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Given she’s a long time friend, let this blow over and avoid trying to manage the wedding details. If there is not enough direction given take initiative and just show up prepared where appropriate on the day of. Be intuitive about what she needs help with on the day of. 

Something is clearly not right with her and whether she’s having cold feet or not may be a possibility. Don’t read into her moods and the way she behaves. It’s sad that a person forgets their friends or checks out even on their wedding day. Be there for her but expect very little in return.

Remember that your friendship may outlast this marriage anyway. Let the day pass smoothly and move on with your life and other things you need to do. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I appreciate the support here. I don't care about what her wedding is like. I'm not planning it.  But it's a big event. I'm not asking- hey what is your decor, then judging. I could careless.

This venue is over an hour away. Its a long day for me. I have to find my own hair and makeup people who then need times that day. The rehearsal is Saturday, I know nothing about that and the wedding is Sunday. 

Why ask me to be in it, then not tell me a thing? I haven't done anything wrong. I've been a supportive friend, even messaged to ask her if she needs help building Centerpieces and such. I think that's a nice bridesmaid thing to do. 

Being a bridesmaid is a lot of money, time, effort, so being very vague to me is not the right thing to do, when we are dishing out a lot for your day. I want and will be in her wedding. I'm honored to be asked. I guess just very confused with the attitude. And that she talks all chummy about the wedding to her co-workers,but why not the same for me?

 

Thank you, Alex39.  I understand exactly what you're saying.  I've been a bridesmaid numerous times for a flurry of weddings which were very organized, well planned and results were smooth.  Most weddings tend to be smooth sailing overall if it was well planned and organized which is no surprise.

I know you're not judging decor and you are the helpful type. 

Regarding judging, even though no one wants to admit it, everyone judges each other otherwise we wouldn't choose to associate with certain people or choose to associate with them comfortably.  I'm not ashamed to say that I judge people.  I size them up either immediately or based upon my negative or positive experiences with them.  Being judgmental has a negative connotation but being judgmental can save you a lot of trouble later.  Discernment is definitely important because it gives you alarms or red flags in your brain if a person doesn't add up or doesn't ring true.  Something is off which does not make for a sound relationship or friendship.  Judging some people as difficult, complicated, unkind, careless, flaky, irresponsible, unreliable, undependable, (some people are very cheap for others yet they don't mind spending money on themselves), ignorant and indifferent.  Treating you as if you don't matter is very much a big deal because it impacts YOU as you're left either confused, angry or both.  Being a judge of character saves you.  You prevent unnecessary angst in your life and judgement navigates you to make wise choices and decisions for yourself.  

In the past, I looked past people's "foibles," tried so hard to be the bigger person, take the high road and all that at the expense of selling my soul.  I no longer possess the patience of a saint anymore.  Those days are no more.  These types of complex people are very high maintenance and you have to constantly contort yourself in order to prevent hiccups in the relationship or friendship.  They're a pain in the _______.  I find that route to be far too much work for me so nowadays I don't even bother.  My life is too precious.  Either behave like a decent human being and be considerate or I don't want to be with you anymore.  Get out of my life.  I don't even enjoy any and all forms of electronic communication and correspondence with people whom I no longer admire.  I don't trust them anymore because their behavior screams mental instability.

I know that being a bridesmaid is very expensive and time consuming.   There's drive time (or transportation costs), gas is expensive and it's asking a lot of you.  

Generally, members of the bridal party are happy for the nuptials.  However, if there's lack of care for communication or correspondence yet favoritism towards the bride's co-workers, it's definitely a very disgruntled problem.  You're left scrambling to figure out everything on your own or uncertain which means you are treated very rudely and with disrespect.  You have a very legitimate reason to bow out now so the bride can either find a replacement or do whatever she wants based upon her unorganized and inconsiderate mind.  If I were you, I wouldn't stress over this.  Find a solution such as graciously exiting your bridesmaid role, give a good gift, attend the wedding as a guest, wish the nuptials well, relax and have a good time.  Should the bride alienate you because you decided to no longer partake as a member of the bridal party, then she wasn't much of a friend in the first place and it's her loss, not yours.

Edited by Cherylyn
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11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You have a very legitimate reason to bow out now so the bride can either find a replacement or do whatever she wants based upon her unorganized and inconsiderate mind.  If I were you, I wouldn't stress over this.  Find a solution such as graciously exiting your bridesmaid role, give a good gift, attend the wedding as a guest, wish the nuptials well, relax and have a good time.  Should the bride alienate you because you decided to no longer partake as a member of the bridal party, then she wasn't much of a friend in the first place and it's her loss, not yours.

Yes- I would do exactly this.  Alex - also, I suggested you try to have a heart to heart about your friend's emotional state (not the planning part) - I love that she came to your house to ask you -that's so traditional and sweet.  I had the same experience with my then best friend and her wedding (I was MOH and I was 20 years old).  I loved that feeling too.  But something changed - and sure - 4 questions in one year not much at all!  It's why I suggested that maybe the change is her feelings about getting married and perhaps her MOH knows or notices and is being overly protective to the point of being rude to you.  (Which is not OK).

I think that it's fine to do what is suggested above and bow out - and the rest about what's "really" going on -you gauge that and factor in how important this friendship is to you (maybe for some reason even you don't know that has also changed).  

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I have a sister who's awfully flaky.  She over invites guests to her house for all parties, celebratory occasions and holidays.  She has zero sense of order, planning, organizational skills and empathy.  Her communication and correspondence are all hopeless.  She has 'the more, the merrier' mindset.  It's no longer a family or close friends type setting.  Whenever my husband, sons and I attend, we don't know anyone because she invites her neighbors, former neighbors, her girlfriends, their boyfriends, extra kids, her childrens' friends, their girlfriends or boyfriends and relatives and in-laws are squeezed in there somewhere to the point of ridiculousness.   There are over 50 guests to the point of stupid.

She doesn't know how to host.  My mother taught me that food is a huge part of the entertainment yet my sister serves _________ at every gathering.  People arrive from far and wide yet what does she serve them at the buffet?  Grocery store chicken nuggets, stale rolls, grocery store deli potato salad which tastes lousy, slop and ________.  She doesn't want to spend the money for at least some decent catered food.  Nothing is homemade except what I brought which guests gratefully devoured.  I'm very generous and bring a lot.  My sister throws a bag of vile tasting frozen meatballs into a slower cooker swimming in orange grease.  It's shameful for me to see very disappointed guests.  My sister decorates an overly sweet store bought cake with pansies.  Guests take one bite of all of her food offerings and guests chuck it all in the trash.  Do it right or don't do it at all because people who've taken the time and expense to drive, travel, bring gifts, cash and most of all, give their precious day to attend are not treated as if they matter.  There's blatant disregard for others.  

She's a ditzy flake.  She organizes restaurant rendezvous, constantly changes the venue, we agree to all meet, then she texts at the last minute of sudden changes to the restaurant venue yet again, twice or three times in one day and after we all battle rush hour traffic to arrive at our agreed upon destination, she doesn't even show up giving some lame excuse that her maid is at her house.  What the heck?  Communication and correspondence with her is as if I'm interacting with a patient from an insane asylum. 

Nowadays, the only answer is to live separate lives comfortably and peacefully.  Judging is good because you simply cannot deal nor cope with people who are nuts, crazy and mentally unstable.  It's easier to feel safe, secure, comfortable and protected with very strong, enforced boundaries and only interact with NORMAL people.  There is no other way as I've exhausted all other 'understanding' and 'compassionate' routes to no avail.  My patience has since run out.  I prefer to live a content, stress free life and the way to do this is to simply eliminate certain bad apples from my life or greatly decrease my interactions with them to the best of my ability.   

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I was my best friend's matron of honor.  I did my own hair and makeup.  Why is it necessary to have yours professionally done?  If you did it yourself that would be one less thing for you to stress out about.

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6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that it's fine to do what is suggested above and bow out - and the rest about what's "really" going on -you gauge that and factor in how important this friendship is to you (maybe for some reason even you don't know that has also changed).  

Yes, bow out but it doesn't mean you have to remain as a member of the bridal party.  Enforce boundaries.  You can still be a friend based upon what your limits are.  You don't have to be a hero and say 'yes' to everything. 

Some people take advantage of others who don't have the ability to say 'no' or draw the line. 

I have awesome friends.  We know how to treat each other with the utmost kindness, respect and decorum.  We know proper graciousness and etiquette whether in person or via electronic correspondence.  This is how a friendship SHOULD BE.  Anything less is intolerable and unacceptable.  I'm not referring to random social media friends either.  I'm referring to a real friend.  Know the difference.

The real question here is are you willing to be brave and courageous enough to bow out or do you prefer to continue this unnecessary stress and angst with the bride? 

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I was my best friend's matron of honor.  I did my own hair and makeup.  Why is it necessary to have yours professionally done?  If you did it yourself that would be one less thing for you to stress out about.

Me, too.  Lack of communication, considerate correspondence and including Alex39 in the loop is the problem.  No one enjoys being ignored and treated as if they don't matter much.  😡

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I had a friend like this -constantly late for our one on one lunches or dinners when it was time sensitive (like pre-movie or theater, during the work day), planned gatherings where on the day of she'd say "ok if I invite your ex too?" (who she met through me), having everyone sit outside at a restaurant in sweltering heat and refusing to order until all the latecomers arrived- for her bday - coming to a fancy dinner I invited her to (our treat), asked to invite a woman friend, then said they would come an hour early to the club to have alone time to catch up (even though we were treating and even though that risked them being late for our dinner) -

My last straw was when I was pregnant and starving and had an hour for lunch, she texted to say she was running a few minutes late but it was 45 minutes.  So rather than feel like I was going to pass out in the heat I waited in the long line, ordered my food and was basically done by the time she got there -then had to go back to work (she did not know I was pregnant but still).  

So Alex I get it -these sorts of flaky people can wreak havoc with us and give us un-needed stress.  And you are 31 and I am 55 so I can tell you -pre-internet, pre-cell phone, pre-even asnwering machine! -people who were reliable showed up on time and kept plans and made specific plans without last minute non-emergency changes that would trigger stress - even though they couldn't call after they left their home and even if they had to call from a payphone and reach you at home on your landline in an emergency they would - technology really didn't help with the flaky types -only gave them more excuses like "oh my battery must have run out" or "oops forgot to check my phone!" etc  

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2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, bow out but it doesn't mean you have to remain as a member of the bridal party.  Enforce boundaries.  You can still be a friend based upon what your limits are.  You don't have to be a hero and say 'yes' to everything. 

Some people take advantage of others who don't have the ability to say 'no' or draw the line. 

I have awesome friends.  We know how to treat each other with the utmost kindness, respect and decorum.  We know proper graciousness and etiquette whether in person or via electronic correspondence.  This is how a friendship SHOULD BE.  Anything less is intolerable and unacceptable.  I'm not referring to random social media friends either.  I'm referring to a real friend.  Know the difference.

The real question here is are you willing to be brave and courageous enough to bow out or do you prefer to continue this unnecessary stress and angst with the bride? 

I meant bow out of being a bridesmaid.  

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I get what you all are saying. What confused me overall is that this friend- the bride, she us typically extremely orderly, organized, timely, and put together. Like I said she came over, asked me, we had a pleasant time, when we get together we have a good time. It's her attitude surrounding the wedding and any questions like you are bothering her and the rudeness. I was so confused by it. I find weddings beautiful, happy, and again girls love taking about their wedding usually. 

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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I get what you all are saying. What confused me overall is that this friend- the bride, she us typically extremely orderly, organized, timely, and put together. Like I said she came over, asked me, we had a pleasant time, when we get together we have a good time. It's her attitude surrounding the wedding and any questions like you are bothering her and the rudeness. I was so confused by it. I find weddings beautiful, happy, and again girls love taking about their wedding usually. 

She may be stressed or anxious or going through something. Either way, yes, her behaviour could be seen as unusual to some but ultimately it’s confusing to you. 

Pressing for answers will produce the same results, her flaky answers and general disorganization. It sounds like you will participate anyway. Enjoy the wedding and hopefully this blows over. It’s only for one day. She is marrying this man for life. Hopefully it is a good match.

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You can do your hair at home yourself in the morning.  Or if you want to go to a salon, make an appt. for the morning of the wedding allowing a few hours after to change and get yourself to the church.  This does not need to be a big deal.

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Whether she needs to give you more guidance or you need to relax a little - as a side note; oh wow! Weddings and all the stuff around it has really got a whole lot extra!

 

The idea bridesmaids expect hair and makeup to be booked for them for example. I heard this while getting my wedding together. I did my own hair and makeup and I was the bride! Maybe other people have different attitudes but I find most of it over the top! 
 

Bridal shower, bachelorette parties - none of those things are needed. Even wedding rehearsals, unless maybe it is this huge event with hundreds of people? Mine was all in all a wedding of 35 guests and that included me and the husband! 
 

This thread reminds me why I often bow out of bridesmaid duty! 
 

If you know where you need to be for the day, you know the colours, know what to wear, know what flowers she would like you to hold - bring a gift and card to the wedding - you should be good to go! 
 

By all means ask her or better yet call her but, if she is not answering or constantly saying I don’t know, I would either bow out if it’s too confusing and irritating to not know other details, or go with the flow and turn up on the day! 
 

Maybe ask her if she’s okay? If she needs help with anything? Say to her you understand wedding planning can be stressful - does she need some help one weekend? 
 

x

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I've been involved with weddings as a bridesmaid, MOH, etc since 1985 (when I was my then best friend's MOH-huge wedding and my sister's too -huge too).  Back then the bride/bride's family paid for the bridesmaid dresses (I think) and same with the shower. Engagement party was only if the wedding was more than a year off and bachelorette parties were never for a whole weekend, etc.  

But the OP seems to equate weddings with all of the "events" - the events are "the wedding" not the wedding ceremony (that is the wedding -the rest are parties to celebrate or related events). 

And -more power to her! -she likes the event planning part, the party part to the exclusion of being interested in the actual relationship, the marriage, the commitment -their future as a married couple (and I mean the real future not the additional events) . 

She's uber focused on the wedding as a time to plan parties and events.  And she likes it and is good at it- if it's on her terms and if it equates with how she "would" do things "if" she gets married.  (I know she plans on marriage but there's that pesky thing called a groom and no guarantees anyone will find a groom or a bride)  

I think her uber focus translates as getting judgey, intense about the details, perhaps coming across as overwhelming or controlling.  And it presents as even louder because she's single and never been married.  Especially if the bride is stressing about her relationship with the groom or his family let's say.  

That's why this job is not for her, at all and she says she only made 4 requests and I'm still not entirely sure this is the whole picture (even if she is being transparent about how she approached things).  There's something more here and perhaps it's a cold feet situation (which will not be remedied with beige shoes) or perhaps it's a personal thing that even the OP isn't aware she did.

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To add to Lolita's point generally -wedding event planning is stressful and what might seem like a perfectly reasonable question -and is -will come across differently.  Right after 9-11-01 I had a wedding to attend -a dear friend's wedding.  It was scheduled for early October.  I'd planned on flying -a one hour flight - and after 9-11 like many people I was not comfortable getting on a plane.  I then planned on the train -an 8 hour train ride at least.  I'd never been to that city.  The bride grew up there, her parents lived there.

I assumed my friend -the groom -would understand my concerns and want to be accommodating -meaning get info for me and others as far as the logistics -was it safe at that train station? How far from the hotel and the venue? Etc. 

His bride was the one running back and forth by bus to her hometown to do the last minute stuff.  I asked him once or twice.  No info (and no google back then to find out).  It was getting closer to the wedding and I didn't know others traveling from my city. 

Finally I was frustrated and said -ok then I will call the bride's mother and ask her (she'd given her info with the invitation etc but I had never spoken to or met her).  The groom was really upset with me that I'd even think of bothering the bride's mother with my question. (I did not call).

Looking back -sure -I see that the bride's mom likely was frantic with all the planning, particularly because of 9-11.  But to me -as an out of town guest during really extraordinary times where so many of us had lost people in 9-11 (I had, my friend had not) - I thought he or someone would want to do their utmost to make the guests comfortable with all the switches of travel planning particularly with the wedding only a week or so away.  From his perspective I was being out of bounds demanding and potentially rude. 

I think these communication issues are common with stressful things like wedding event planning.  There's a much shorter fuse very often and what you think OP is perfectly reasonable even if only asked once might come across far differently.

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