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My boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable having sex on extended trip with my parents.


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I'm in a really mixed situation right now. I'm 24, my boyfriend is 23, and we've been together for two and a half years. Basically ever year of my life, my parents and I (only child) have gone on a nature/lake trip in the middle of nowhere, we go to the same cute little cottage and stay for 2 weeks, but we are going 4 weeks this year since we all have the ability to work from the cottage. He's gone twice on this trip, and really loves being there with me and my family. Everyone gets along really well. I'm really thankful for that he can bond so well with my parents.

My boyfriend refuses to have sex with me while we are on this trip, because he doesn't want them to hear us and just isn't comfortable with it. TMI but my parents are very sexually active and are on this trip, they don't care at all what my boyfriend and I do. Everyone is literally willing to give everyone space but he still doesn't think we should. 

I get why he could feel uncomfortable, but we can have the whole inside of the cottage to ourselves for however long we want privately. We are also left alone most of the day anyway, my parents take one side of the cottage and we take the other, he has no issue with us being naked outside, but won't have sex with me. 

I have no idea what to do to make him feel better about it. I don't want to force anything on him but the same time it's like, grow up a little and enjoy our time together. I'm curious what you would do to try and encourage him to just be himself. 

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1 minute ago, cupcakefrosting said:

I'm curious what you would do to try and encourage him to just be himself.

He is being himself, though. 

Part of him includes being very uncomfortable having sex when your parents are in the vicinity. It's his natural inclination to avoid it. 

I would stop trying to make him change his ways. Take the pressure off, and you might be surprised. He may slowly warm up to the idea on all his own if you stop trying to nudge him into it. 

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4 minutes ago, cupcakefrosting said:

My boyfriend refuses to have sex with me while we are on this trip, because he doesn't want them to hear us and just isn't comfortable with it.

That's ok. You have to respect his feelings. Why can't you two go on a private picnic rather than pressure him into uncomfortable situations?

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3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He is being himself, though. 

Part of him includes being very uncomfortable having sex when your parents are in the vicinity. It's his natural inclination to avoid it. 

I would stop trying to make him change his ways. Take the pressure off, and you might be surprised. He may slowly warm up to the idea on all his own if you stop trying to nudge him into it. 

I get that. I just get frustrated. We've gone on trips with his family and have had no issues having sex in a hotel with them next door, so for me I'm just trying to understand why he's more uncomfortable here than he would be possibly a hotel. 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. You have to respect his feelings. Why can't you two go on a private picnic rather than pressure him into uncomfortable situations?

Thanks, I do respect his feelings but also know we are very sexual people, and it's just confusing why he won't want to engage in anything while we are there.  Most of the days we are there are spent together privately. We actually have done a private picnic in the woods. There's this odd patch of like field grass in this woodsy area the cottage is in. We usually make a point to do that twice while we are there. 

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3 minutes ago, cupcakefrosting said:

I get that. I just get frustrated. We've gone on trips with his family and have had no issues having sex in a hotel with them next door, so for me I'm just trying to understand why he's more uncomfortable here than he would be possibly a hotel. 

Likley because he's naturally more comfortable around his own family than yours. 

 

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Hotel is different. I would be more comfortable in a hotel too. Cottage feels like the same apartment with limited freedom to move around freely. Also hotels usually have better sound insulation.

Plus, it's your parents and not his. Maybe he feels embarrassed around them to act this way- which is fine.

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Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

Hotel is different. I would be more comfortable in a hotel too. Cottage feels like the same apartment with limited freedom to move around freely. Also hotels usually have better sound insulation.

Plus, it's your parents and not his. Maybe he feels embarrassed around them to act this way- which is fine.

I can get that, the cottage is small, but there are still two separate rooms. My parents would literally give us space by either being outside or even away from the cottage. My boyfriend is extremely comfortable with my parents, we spend a lot of our time with them on weekends. Heck, he doesn't even wear a shirt the entire time we are there, so when I think about that, I just don't get it.

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Why don't you drop the matter for now and just see how it goes while you're all on vacation? There is absolutely no point arguing about it before the fact and getting upset over something that hasn't happened yet. 

He may change his mind or he may not. It's only four weeks. What does it matter if there's no sex for four weeks or limited? If your sex life together is hot it's very unlikely you'll be keeping your hands off of each other so I wouldn't worry about this in the least. Let him talk his big talk about no sex and see how it goes. 

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Just now, Rose Mosse said:

Why don't you drop the matter for now and just see how it goes while you're all on vacation? There is absolutely no point arguing about it before the fact and getting upset over something that hasn't happened yet. 

He may change his mind or he may not. It's only four weeks. What does it matter if there's no sex for four weeks or limited? If your sex life together is hot it's very unlikely you'll be keeping your hands off of each other so I wouldn't worry about this in the least. Let him talk his big talk about no sex and see how it goes. 

When we are away, I rarely bring it up, I give it usually three tries. I haven't brought it up to him at all in months, it's not even a discussion we are having. The last 2 times we haven't been sexually active, which is why I'm trying to get thoughts and ideas to make it comfortable for him to want it, instead of criticism. 

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13 minutes ago, cupcakefrosting said:

 I just don't get it.

It's not confusing at all. He's uncomfortable. It's that simple. You can be rabbits when you get home.🐇🐇

21 minutes ago, cupcakefrosting said:

 it's just confusing why he won't want to engage in anything while we are there. 

 

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Just now, cupcakefrosting said:

When we are away, I rarely bring it up, I give it usually three tries. I haven't brought it up to him at all in months, it's not even a discussion we are having. The last 2 times we haven't been sexually active, which is why I'm trying to get thoughts and ideas to make it comfortable for him to want it, instead of criticism. 

You cannot force someone to have sex with you in a situation they find uncomfortable. It's that simple. Try respecting his boundaries a little more and he may want to open up to you or feel more comfortable around you or on family vacations. This is not meant as criticism but encouragement. Think less combatively. You need to respect others in order to receive respect and have someone feel comfortable around you. 

I wouldn't push the matter any further with him and let things change on their own, whether they do or not.

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1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Then in this case don't bring up the sex. Don't "try". Let him get too excited to seek it himself if he wants to. Who knows!

I'm sure you'll be back at it when you'll be back home.

I'm willing to try this, I love him, I don't want to pressure him in anyway. The last time we even talked about sex on this trip was last summer, and we've gone months without it even being a topic and I'm willing to keep it that way. and yeah, we will be back at it at home. 

I will admit, we do spend a lot of quality time naked together on this trip, and I do appreciate that, because it's truly an amazing feeling, it's not sexual, it's just like normal and natural for us. I wouldn't trade that for sex at all, so maybe he's just in an overall different mindset. 

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14 minutes ago, cupcakefrosting said:

I'm trying to get thoughts and ideas to make it comfortable for him to want it

You can't. 

He has to arrive there on his own. And if doesn't, there is not much you can do but respect that. 

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52 minutes ago, cupcakefrosting said:

 I'm 24, my boyfriend is 23, and we've been together for two and a half years.

Do you live together? When you can afford your own private vacation he may feel more comfortable about it.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? When you can afford your own private vacation he may feel more comfortable about it.

We do live together, we do go on our own vacations, too. It's just hard to turn down a few weeks trip for free, even if it's with my parents. Plus, he loves my family so it's not an issue with anyone being around each other. He is more than comfortable being shirtless the entire time we are there and being naked on the opposite side of the cottage, so again. I'm just trying to think things out and get opinions. You've been super helpful.

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Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

How do you know uour parents are sexually active?

I'm not going to get into that in the open, but it's pretty obvious. I've been doing this trip all my life, I just know.

Edited by cupcakefrosting
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Wouldn't it be fair to say, then, that while you are used to the situation and comfortable that

your boyfriend isn't?  You've certainly made it seem so.  Regardless of any reasoning you want out of him, his feelings will just remain that.

No one here can reprogram him.

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Posted (edited)

You were probably raised one way and him another. You can’t change that. It is 4 weeks out of your life. It is not that big a deal really. You are totally comfortable with your family , but they are not HIS family. People are very seldom close enough to openly overtly sexual around their own family let alone in-law family . Just respect his feelings. 

Edited by Seraphim
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27 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You were probably raised one way and him another. You can’t change that. It is 4 weeks out of your life. It is not that big a deal really. You are totally comfortable with your family , but they are not HIS family. People are very seldom close enough to openly overtly sexual around their own family let alone in-law family . Just respect his feelings. 

I'll be honest, I don't necessarily agree with you. I feel based on how he is on the trip, he's more that comfortable with it. I'm not trying to argue but just seeing it first hand is just what I'm going off of. I would love a civil conversation about it with anyone willing. 

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