How to show change

[antoeknee]

so recently I ***ed up. I am of 16 years of age, I without permission went to my girlfriends house and my mother found out. I was picked up from her house. My mom proceeded to chew out my gfs step mom. My gf has been through a lot and and I feel that all I did that day was bring stress and problems to her. I apologized and asked her for time to fix things at home. How should I go about things now? We go to the same school so ill be seeing her virtually everyday. I really love this girl. Should I distance myself? What should I do?

[Rose Mosse]

Is she refusing to speak with you? What did she say?

[antoeknee]

yes, we haven't talked.

[Rose Mosse]

Did she break up with you?

[antoeknee]

no, I had asked for time to fix problems I have at home, I know that I cant have a relationship with problems at home. So I had technically broke up with her. But she hasn't responded to any of my apologies. And I see her tomorrow at school. How should I go about this

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, antoeknee said:

 I am of 16 years of age, I without permission went to my girlfriends house and my mother found out. I was picked up from her house. My mom proceeded to chew out my gfs step mom. 

Why aren't you allow to visit her? How are your grades?

Does your family not want you having a GF/Sex?

Are you grounded? What's up at home? Did you take the car without permission?

How are things at home? Where is your father? 

Talk to  trusted adult, perhaps a teacher, coach, councilor.

See her at school, but do not hang out at her house. Why did your mother confront her mother?

[antoeknee]

My mom had found out we had sexual relationships. She didn't say anything about though. My grades are normal. I wasn't grounded. My father lives in Mexico, my mom left him when she found out she was pregnant with me. I have met him and talked to him but I don't see the importance as he has his life and I have mines. Things at home are normal I would say. Its just I need to regain my moms trust to be able to do stuff. I broke up with her as I know without my moms trust I would continue to bring problems to both of us. And the last thing I want to do is bring stress and problems to her. My mom confronted her step mom because my mom thinks that the step mom should've let them know i was going over. I had lied and said I was allowed. This is where I ***ed up

[Rose Mosse]

21 minutes ago, antoeknee said:

no, I had asked for time to fix problems I have at home, I know that I cant have a relationship with problems at home. So I had technically broke up with her. But she hasn't responded to any of my apologies. And I see her tomorrow at school. How should I go about this

 

You’re not in a relationship anymore. Treat her as a classmate. You’ve broken her trust more than once. If you have to fix something at home, do that. Your actions speak louder than words.

[antoeknee]

Thank you for your advice.

 

[boltnrun]

 

6 minutes ago, antoeknee said:

My mom had found out we had sexual relationships.

Did the two of you use protection such as condoms and spermicide? Is she on birth control pills?

Your mom is likely concerned about you becoming a teen father (and rightfully so).

[antoeknee]

yes we did use protection, and she is on birth control.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, antoeknee said:

yes we did use protection, and she is on birth control.

Is her stepmother aware you two are having sex? Were you engaging in sex at her parent's home?

Since you are financially dependent on your parents it's important to try to regain their trust. That needs to be your first priority.

[antoeknee]

her step mom is aware. No we don't engage sexually at her house. And yes I feel having my mom trust me is the first step to bettering everything.

[Madlike]

4 hours ago, antoeknee said:

her step mom is aware. No we don't engage sexually at her house. And yes I feel having my mom trust me is the first step to bettering everything.

Put your mom as a priority. 

[MissCanuck]

You will likely need to let go of the idea of fixing things with your now-ex. 

You have to first develop a better relationship with your mom, and that will take time. I know you like this girl a lot, but at your age, girls will come and go. You will have more girlfriends in the future. But you won't have another mom. It is more important that you work on that relationship than one with a girlfriend. 

In the future and when you're older and more mature, you will have better relationships and your mom will trust you to make better decisions - and thus be happier to support your relationship. 

(And yes, I realize I probably sound like your mother now. But I was a rebellious 16-year-old once too, and wish I hadn't been such a punk to my parents then!) 

[catfeeder]

Everyone who dates in school needs to walk the fine line after a breakup between feeling awkward yet maintaining kindness when crossing paths in classes and social circles.

So, I'd just remain kind--in the same manner you were kind when you were strangers.

I'd avoid rushing her with forced discussions, but rather, make it your priority to help her feel relaxed while sharing space with you by demonstrating ease yourself.

If any private conversations come about organically, then engage those, but if not, you've caused no further harm by simply being nice to her.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, antoeknee said:

her step mom is aware. No we don't engage sexually at her house. And yes I feel having my mom trust me is the first step to bettering everything.

Reestablish trust. Be 100% reliable. Get excellent grades. Be accountable and be where you are supposed to be.

Get more involved in school. Join some groups and clubs. Get involved in sports and fitness. Take driving lessons. Get a part-time job. Start looking into college and what you would like to do.

The more responsible and reliable you are the more you'll be trusted.

[smackie9]

You have to look at this from your mother's perspective. She got pregnant, and left a relationship for reasons I'm sure you don't know yet. She's trying to prevent YOU and your GF from making the same mistake. As for her step mom...you should have stepped up and taken all responsibility for your actions. Now that you have learned something from this, talk to your mother and empathize with her perspective, nod your head agree what she says. Next, your GF over time will cool off and talk to you again. Give her space for now, and have her come to you. It seems all crappy now, but things do blow over. There will be peace again. 

[bluecastle]

Just going to come at this from a slightly different angle...

Lying to your mom about heading over there, lying to you gf's step-mom in saying you were allowed—very uncool, all of that. 

Also uncool? Your mother yelling at her step-mother. 

Is your mother generally hot-tempered? Is part of the reason you didn't tell her where you were because you feared her reaction based on past interactions? Curious to understand that better.

All in all, sounds like there's an overdue conversation you need to have with your mother so you don't feel the need to conceal your truth. Hopefully that makes all this terrain that you can navigate without all the fear and hiding. Can only speak for myself, but if I was in your mother's shoes I'd be far less concerned about you lying than that you felt the need, and I'd want to know what I, as a mature adult, could do to prevent that in the future save for blowing my top.  

As for your girlfriend, don't push anything. Give space, be kind. Time will settle everything down. Trust that.