All or nothing behaviour

[Jasmine2211]

What does it mean when a man is all or nothing.

 

We had a thing together but I was involved with someone else.A violent abusive relationship he became my escape and I hoped maybe a reason to leave as he gave me some confidence back.

 

Lots of messaging, calls etc, I never lost my feelings for him but he got tired of waiting met someone else and they had a baby very quickly 

 

It didn’t last he’s a brilliant dad and now we have drifted back in contact again

 

I am finally ready to leave , and for two weeks he called 4-5 times a day, text sent love heart emojis asking to meet

 

I said it wasn’t fair until this is ended and Iv left I also worry he’s on rebound 

 

Suddenly he’s vanished.Ignored me Wouldn’t even answer me

So why all or nothing ?blowing up my phone or zero.

I am very balanced with things do u think it’s because he doesn’t care and after only one thing or what?

He says he doesn’t believe il leave.

 

Please help me understand him im hurt and confused - thank you

[Rose Mosse]

He’s likely not ready for anything new. Focus on bettering your life and learning to stay out of abusive relationships. 

This wasn’t meant to be anything. He was an escape at one point but nothing more. He vanished when he realized you were still in your relationship or haven’t left yet. Go ahead with the move and protect yourself. This man is the last of your worries. 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Jasmine2211 said:

I am finally ready to leave , 

Suddenly he’s vanished.Ignored me Wouldn’t even answer me.

Because creeps who want affairs don't want a GF. That's why they do this. They want a side dish not an entree.

It's foolish to cheat. As foolish as staying with an abuser.

The most foolish of all is thinking this guy was your knight in shining armor, when really, all you showed him is that you're a cheater.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Jasmine2211 said:

@Wiseman2 I have done hence trying to leave.

he was my life line 

A domestic violence hotline and contacting friends and family for help extricating yourself are your "lifeline". Not married men.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Mention the abuse. They can direct you to the appropriate resources. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Deal with your anger issues.

[Rose Mosse]

Jasmine, Wiseman is on your side.

Yes, it’s very hard to leave. 

Complicating the issue with an affair makes it harder in the big picture not easier. It gave you what felt like confidence to leave at first but it was all conditional in the end.

You now have two break ups to contend with not one: your abusive relationship and this man who doesn’t want to speak with you anymore. That is twice the heartache.

You are the only one who can take yourself out of this abusive relationship.

Have you sought resources in your area for support? How many times have you tried to leave? It’s not uncommon for individuals to attempt to leave several times before finally leaving. 

 

[Caesar45]

On 1/20/2022 at 10:20 AM, Jasmine2211 said:

What does it mean when a man is all or nothing.

 

We had a thing together but I was involved with someone else.A violent abusive relationship he became my escape and I hoped maybe a reason to leave as he gave me some confidence back.

 

Lots of messaging, calls etc, I never lost my feelings for him but he got tired of waiting met someone else and they had a baby very quickly 

 

It didn’t last he’s a brilliant dad and now we have drifted back in contact again

 

I am finally ready to leave , and for two weeks he called 4-5 times a day, text sent love heart emojis asking to meet

 

I said it wasn’t fair until this is ended and Iv left I also worry he’s on rebound 

 

Suddenly he’s vanished.Ignored me Wouldn’t even answer me

So why all or nothing ?blowing up my phone or zero.

I am very balanced with things do u think it’s because he doesn’t care and after only one thing or what?

He says he doesn’t believe il leave.

 

Please help me understand him im hurt and confused - thank you

 

Well first of all you are skipping the most important part of the story. From what I read you probably talked with this guy during your so called "abusive realationship" which for some reason you DONT LEAVE (yeah expect us to belive this go on) and you didnt left the ABUSIVE guy. Let me guess the guy you were talking to was charming and sweet the actual boyfriend was bad boy.

I know situation really well women love to fill up their ego by nice guys and drain that ego by chasing the "ABUSIVE BAD BOYS" thats always the norm.Also your story dont end ther he ran away from you to another women and she got pregnante they got a baby etc so this means he was away for like 12-15 months maybe more.

And you my dear you were still with that ABUSIVE boyfriend of yours ? Really you expect us to belive this come on. He was a bad boy and other guy was the nice guy so you dont give a damm and used him for emotional support. Later on he left the mother of his child only to try his luck one time and again saw you with that ABUSIVE boyfriend of yours. He saw that there is no saving you so he left. And now that ABUSIVE boy probably dumped you and you really really need your emotional pillow but the is no where to be found.

Just be honest with us will you we all had relationship in the past %90 people around here knows a thing or two. Remember the last thing he said "I dont belive that you will live" well thats why he is gone if you really wanted him that much you should have left the bad boy a year ago.

[Lambert]

The sad truth of life is no one can save you.  You have to save yourself.  If someone else saves you, you go from being in an abusive relationship to another toxic relationship.

The only way to break the cycle is to do things for yourself with help of course, from professionals or other resources available.  Emotionally you need friends, family, love etc.  But the knight in shining armour?  That's just another cage.

As for this guy-- you both are wrong.  I am sorry for all you have been through, but cheating is not the answer.  Ever.  You didn't leave your relationship and he went off to find another.  His didn't work out either and he came back around but nothing has changed.  You told him it's not fair to do this until you leave.  But you're not leaving.  

You can't blame him for wanting a proper relationship.  You're worried he's on the rebound?  What about you?  I don't think you're emotionally ready either.  

The best thing you could do is get out of your abusive relationship.  Focus on yourself for a year.  If you did this, I bet your life in a year would be on a whole other level of happiness.  Free and healthy should be the goal.  

[smackie9]

Hah you kinda called him out on his motives, and he got butt hurt over it. He was thinking you were at the mercy of him being in your life, but you pushed back and said not right now.That was you standing up for yourself, and him not liking that. Good that just shows you he would be no better than what you are leaving from. You don't need someone who plays games. He didn't respect your decision, and instead stonewalled you. That's poor behaviour on his part regardless if he cared or not. That's no way to treat someone in your situation. You are going through something very difficult, and you needed him to be supportive and understanding..he is none of those. He's selfish, self entitled, acting like a big frickin baby. You need a mature, stable man in your life...someday, but not right now. You take care of you, and be the best person you can be for yourself.

[catfeeder]

You're learning the hard way that attempting to leapfrog over to some 'savior' isn't going to liberate you.

Anyone who would take up with someone who is already married or in a LTR isn't exactly of reliable character. BUT, he's doing you a favor by jerking you around. He's teaching you the importance of standing on your own.

Address your current relationship on its own merits. Either you're in that, or you're out--and if you need help getting out, contact a woman's shelter for counseling and a plan, or reach out to your local hospital's social service department for a referral to a case worker who can help you leave safely and address any financial barriers to making your exit.

From there, you'll build the confidence to use discretion in who, exactly, you'll allow into your life. Someone who is unreliable won't rank with you, much less become someone you'd count on for a total life change.

Head high, we all learn from living.