Boyfriends past has come up and shocked me

[Petra27]

Hi all

I'm a 36 y/o female and my boyfriend is a 32 y/o male. I recently discovered that he has slept with prostitutes about 6 months before meeting me. 

He said he was going through a bad time in his life and needed attention. It irks me that my gorgeous man had to go to these measures to get sex.

My idea of him has changed and what's worse is that he did not tell me, I had to find out.

Has anyone been through similar or have advice for me? What do I do?

I love him and he's wonderful however I'm so hurt and confused by this news.

 

[Jibralta]

I don't dig on guys who dig on human trafficking. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Petra27 said:

My idea of him has changed and what's worse is that he did not tell me, I had to find out.

How did you find out?

I personally would be uncomfortable with this as well. I mean no judgment to the sex workers themselves but it's a world I want no part of. I would not be pleased to learn my partner was involved, either, and it would probably be a dealbreaker for me. 

All you can do is listen to and respect your feelings. It's okay to not be okay with this, despite how much you care about him. 

[Petra27]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How did you find out?

I personally would be uncomfortable with this as well. I mean no judgment to the sex workers themselves but it's a world I want no part of. I would not be pleased to learn my partner was involved, either, and it would probably be a dealbreaker for me. 

All you can do is listen to and respect your feelings. It's okay to not be okay with this, despite how much you care about him. 

We have an open phone policy. I looked through his whatsapp for contact information and came across this chat when doing a keyword search.

I confronted him about it and he came clean but argued it was before he met me.

I have nothing against sex workers either.

Thanks for your advice. I'm very much on the same page but so saddened as he is such an incredible partner.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Petra27 said:

We have an open phone policy. 

I confronted him about it and he came clean but argued it was before he met me.

How long have you been dating? 

Get tested for STDs. What you came across is the tip of the iceberg.

It's not about he can't find women to have sex with, or "he was in a bad place" is about his proclivities.

This open phone policy already reeks of distrust as does your extensive snooping.

While he has a point that it's before you two dated, rest assured unless he's a total fool, he wouldn't let you rifle through his phone without first cleaning out the majority of it.

[Petra27]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? 

Get tested for STDs. What you came across is the tip of the iceberg.

It's not about he can't find women to have sex with, or "he was in a bad place" is about his proclivities.

This open phone policy already reeks of distrust as does your extensive snooping.

While he has a point that it's before you two dated, rest assured unless he's a total fool, he wouldn't let you rifle through his phone without first cleaning out the majority of it.

I hear you. You're right on the mistrust to an extent. And yes he's a bit of a fool. All was there for me to see. 

We've been dating for 8months. He's getting tested tomorrow upon my request and I'll follow suit.

Your comment on proclivities has me thinking 😞

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not about he can't find women to have sex with, or "he was in a bad place" is about his proclivities.

Bingo. 

I would also be very concerned that he hasn't already gotten tested for STIs and HIV, OP. It sounds like he's only doing so because you told him to. He's incredibly irresponsible with his health. 

It's also strange that you two even have an "open-phone policy" at just 8 months of dating. It suggests you don't trust each other.

For me, this would be over. None of it would sit right with me, on a number of different levels. 

[Tinydance]

OK the prostitute thing aside but why do you look at each other's phones? That sounds like a violation of privacy? And this is the thing that happens from looking through your partner's phone - you find things you don't like. 

You asked me if I've been through anything similar. Actually yes I have. Twelve years ago I was briefly dating a really shy guy and one time when we were drinking he admitted he'd only ever slept with one woman once and it was a prostitute (he was 27). At the time it also bothered me so I actually ended it with him basically just for that reason...Then many years later I dated a couple of other guys who said they'd done it too. But by that point I was becoming really open minded so I actually accepted it. One of my friends is a sex worker so I think I'm more chilled out about those kinds of things now. 

Having said that, how you feel about it is your own feelings and they're completely valid. Actually I think most people would be bothered by it. The problem is you can't change what your boyfriend did in the past. So unfortunately you may need to end the relationship if it just doesn't sit right with you. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not about he can't find women to have sex with, or "he was in a bad place" is about his proclivities.

Agree. This is a fetish, and not a positive one. I have nothing against sex workers either, but the overwhelming majority of them are not in the trade by choice. Even the ones who work legally as prostitutes often have a history of being exploited. Most people deny the severity of this problem, but no one denies it more than those who pay for it to exist.

[Petra27]

Just now, Jibralta said:

Agree. This is a fetish, and not a positive one. I have nothing against sex workers either, but the overwhelming majority of them are not in the trade by choice. Even the ones who work legally as prostitutes often have a history of being exploited. Most people deny the severity of this problem, but no one denies it more than those who pay for it to exist.

So much to unpack here. Thank you for your POV. 

[Batya33]

I would be done for a number of reasons including that he didn't tell you and exposed you to dangerous diseases.  But -open phone policy? Is he your employee? Your son? Ask yourself why you need that? I don't know my husband's phone passwords and the only time I will react to anything I see on his computer or phone is if I'm walking by, and I see a pop up or phone call that I'm fairly certain he'd want to know about- so I alert him if I can.  I ask him to look at my phone if it rings and I'm in the other room.

  I probably should have his passwords in case of emergency but it never ever occurred to me that I'd want the ability to check up on him via his devices.  So from the get go either you had some weird spidey sense about his past or --- what? There's no such thing as an "open phone policy" - unless it's in a employer handbook.  It's "I met someone and I don't trust men so from the get go I told him I'd have to be able to look at his phone and he could look at mine" (or him saying that). Don't dress it up as a policy.  Or tell yourself that. Sure couples agree to their own personal boundaries and that's cool but there's more going on here, obviously.  

I'd be done.  Lots of people go through bad times and don't choose to have multiple sex partners "because they're going through a bad time" (i.e. using people) - lots of people go through bad times and don't choose to visit prostitutes and then not tell their next sex partner.

[gamon]

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I don't dig on guys who dig on human trafficking. 

Not all prostitution is human trafficking.

Lots of hookers are self employed.

 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

Not all prostitution is human trafficking.

Lots of hookers are self employed.

 

I actually agree with you. I think that every sex worker's situation is different. It's true that a lot of them are doing it for bad reasons- e.g. they've been abused in the past, they're homeless, they have a drug habit. But that's actually not the case with all of them.

As I mentioned, I have a friend who is a sex worker and she actually just wanted to do it. I forget if she ever told me why but I think she said she is genuinely fine with this work? She doesn't have any dependence on drugs, she barely drinks alcohol and doesn't smoke cigarettes. She was never homeless or anything like that. The places she's lived in were fairly decent. She has a car and she's a big nerd, gamer and streams a lot on Twitch. She wears all these pop culture clothes like with Pokemon on them, etc. I didn't know she was a sex worker at first and I think just like your average person I maybe had an idea what a sex worker "should" look like. She wasn't anything like that so I was like, OK so she's just your average person? In her day to day life she doesn't wear sexy corsets and boots shorts, snorting drugs or has a cigarette hanging out of her mouth all the time lol

Actually in my state where I live prostitution is decriminalised and I think some political parties were actually pushing to make it completely legal. Street walking is illegal here but it's legal to work in a brothel or as a registered independent worker who works from inside some kind of place. And my friend said that if you work in brothels they make you get an STD check every three months. And if the test comes up with any STD's, you straight away get fired.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

And my friend said that if you work in brothels they make you get an STD check every three months. And if the test comes up with any STD's, you straight away get fired.

Three months.  Wow.  That would give me no comfort were I unfortunate enough to interact with someone who visited a brothel.  And I'd be dubious that they follow the "you're fired" procedure or that there's not another brothel happy to hire the terminated individual.

I'm sure there are women who are confident and enjoy making money having sex.  Not totally the same thing but my friend's daughter is beautiful and the last couple of years has found a few sugar daddy types.  She believes when she is given cars and other over the top expensive gifts she is entitled because she is giving her companionship and makes it clear to S.D. that she's not into him for marriage or long term (meaning where SD is).  That is not prostitution.  That is about being motivated to have sex/hook up mainly for the $.

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would be done for a number of reasons including that he didn't tell you and exposed you to dangerous diseases.  But -open phone policy? Is he your employee? Your son? Ask yourself why you need that? I don't know my husband's phone passwords and the only time I will react to anything I see on his computer or phone is if I'm walking by, and I see a pop up or phone call that I'm fairly certain he'd want to know about- so I alert him if I can.  I ask him to look at my phone if it rings and I'm in the other room.

  I probably should have his passwords in case of emergency but it never ever occurred to me that I'd want the ability to check up on him via his devices.  So from the get go either you had some weird spidey sense about his past or --- what? There's no such thing as an "open phone policy" - unless it's in a employer handbook.  It's "I met someone and I don't trust men so from the get go I told him I'd have to be able to look at his phone and he could look at mine" (or him saying that). Don't dress it up as a policy.  Or tell yourself that. Sure couples agree to their own personal boundaries and that's cool but there's more going on here, obviously.  

I'd be done.  Lots of people go through bad times and don't choose to have multiple sex partners "because they're going through a bad time" (i.e. using people) - lots of people go through bad times and don't choose to visit prostitutes and then not tell their next sex partner.

Personally I wouldn't actually date anyone who wanted to go through my phone but that's just me. I think going through people's phone is a big violation of privacy. And it's asking for trouble. Even if you don't find anything there about cheating or prostitutes, most likely you're going to find *something* there that you don't like. That's why snooping through your partner's phone is the worst idea ever.

I work with people with disabilities and all sorts of other issues and through doing this work the last eight years I think I've become more open minded. One of my past clients at work was a very intelligent man and actually he was handsome, but he was physically disabled. Due to his disability he never really found any women. He was always alone. He was open to me that he occasionally hires a prostitute. And this was so sad....He told me that he'd pay for about an hour but he'd ask that for the first thirty minutes they just cuddle and that the prostitute just hold him and hold his hand. Because he never actually got to experience that! Don't forget that even though having sex seems like a basic human right, that not everyone actually gets to have it. So prostitutes are actually filling a role that's needed for some people.

[greenfox4]

10 hours ago, Petra27 said:

Hi all

I'm a 36 y/o female and my boyfriend is a 32 y/o male. I recently discovered that he has slept with prostitutes about 6 months before meeting me. 

He said he was going through a bad time in his life and needed attention. It irks me that my gorgeous man had to go to these measures to get sex.

My idea of him has changed and what's worse is that he did not tell me, I had to find out.

Has anyone been through similar or have advice for me? What do I do?

I love him and he's wonderful however I'm so hurt and confused by this news.

 

Have you told him about all your sexual encounters? What he chose to do before he met you was his business and if he felt you'd think less of him then I can see why he wouldn't tell you.

People use all sorts of vices to try and get through life; drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling etc. Judge them by who they are today. 

My advice would be to communicate to him how you feel and not let past indiscretions get in the way of your relationships. 

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Three months.  Wow.  That would give me no comfort were I unfortunate enough to interact with someone who visited a brothel.  And I'd be dubious that they follow the "you're fired" procedure or that there's not another brothel happy to hire the terminated individual.

I'm sure there are women who are confident and enjoy making money having sex.  Not totally the same thing but my friend's daughter is beautiful and the last couple of years has found a few sugar daddy types.  She believes when she is given cars and other over the top expensive gifts she is entitled because she is giving her companionship and makes it clear to S.D. that she's not into him for marriage or long term (meaning where SD is).  That is not prostitution.  That is about being motivated to have sex/hook up mainly for the $.

I'm actually pretty sure it's three months because there's no point for some of the STD's to do it more often. They wouldn't show up on the test if you did it more often and would give a false negative result. It's something about the incubation period to show up on the blood stream.

Personally I don't see a huge difference between a sex worker and sugar baby because they're both an arrangement where a woman has sex for money. Prostitutes are honest with their clients too. The clients know it's just their job.

[Batya33]

I don't think having intercourse is or seems like a basic human right at all.  And not having sex doesn't make one "alone" at all.   There's no need to go to a prostitute -there are "wants" but not needs.  A person with a disability who chooses to go to a prostitute having given up on finding a partner is not going to then meet someone like the OP and be with them. And in that situation if he does -if he changes his approach or perhaps gets different help for his disability -it would be a different conversation than the sort of pity party excuse the OP's boyfriend had.  

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Tinydance said:

I'm actually pretty sure it's three months because there's no point for some of the STD's to do it more often. They wouldn't show up on the test if you did it more often and would give a false negative result. It's something about the incubation period to show up on the blood stream.

Personally I don't see a huge difference between a sex worker and sugar baby because they're both an arrangement where a woman has sex for money. Prostitutes are honest with their clients too. The clients know it's just their job.

I think with a sugar daddy thing it's more nuanced and depends -it's not cut and dry like a prostitute who trades sex for money and has zero interest in any other reason for having sex.  Dating arrangements or casual sex -it depends - in my friend's daughter's case I'd say it's closer to acting like an escort.

I get the three month incubation period for certain STDs.  But not for others.  And given that the person is a prostitute the volume of partners and exposure -every three months seems meaningless other than perhaps for HIV.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

What he chose to do before he met you was his business and if he felt you'd think less of him then I can see why he wouldn't tell you.

It's her business if it affects her health now.  For me past behavior especially recent is a great indication of future behavior and the person's values and morals.  So yes the past is relevant.  I went on a third date once with a guy who told me he used to regularly get lap dances at a strip club -he went with his sales clients and buddies -and insisted that lap dances are not "sexual".  That's how he felt at the present moment about lap dances.  And at that present moment I knew our values were incompatible so I didn't see him again.

[greenfox4]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It's her business if it affects her health now.  For me past behavior especially recent is a great indication of future behavior and the person's values and morals.  So yes the past is relevant.  I went on a third date once with a guy who told me he used to regularly get lap dances at a strip club -he went with his sales clients and buddies -and insisted that lap dances are not "sexual".  That's how he felt at the present moment about lap dances.  And at that present moment I knew our values were incompatible so I didn't see him again.

From his point of view I can totally understand why he didn't tell her if he felt it would be upsetting to her. Most men who have used those vices aren't going to just come and tell their partner about their sexual history.

Everybody wants fulfilment in their life's, people get confused on seeking that fulfilment and may believe that sex will give them the fulfilling feeling that you get from a relationship. 

I don't think it's fair to not give a man a chance based on mistakes made in the past.

[boltnrun]

Six months prior to their relationship, I would have wanted to not only know but be assured he had a full STD workup including an HIV test.

I used to date a guy who told me he had sex with prostitutes when he was in the Marines but he had been discharged for well over 10 years. It did illustrate to me (along with other things he said) his attitude toward women and their role in society. And I was able to conclude we were incompatible.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

From his point of view I can totally understand why he didn't tell her if he felt it would be upsetting to her. Most men who have used those vices aren't going to just come and tell their partner about their sexual history.

Everybody wants fulfilment in their life's, people get confused on seeking that fulfilment and may believe that sex will give them the fulfilling feeling that you get from a relationship. 

I don't think it's fair to not give a man a chance based on mistakes made in the past.

Totally fine we can agree to disagree - I don't relate to the leap from "everyone wants fulfillment" to visiting a prostitute and not telling your next sex partner about it despite the heightened STD risks.  For one thing.  I agree some people find fulfillment through sex, others through helping people, others through fuzzy socks.  Has nothing to do with this specific situation IMO.

I believe in giving people a chance if possible -when it comes to a potentially long term commitment I always prioritized compatible values. If someone visited prostitutes and didn't tell me about it and put my health at risk and the reason was because he was feeling sorry for himself I would not be with that person as a  romantic partner. I wouldn't have any opinion either way on him as a person in general -I'd still be cordial to him if I ran into him, etc.

[Lambert]

13 hours ago, Petra27 said:

It irks me that my gorgeous man had to go to these measures to get sex.

I find it interesting that this is what irks you. Almost like he's a victim. 

But then, based on your other comments, you seem to agree with others that this does say something about him as person. 

I've heard other guys say things like. 'I've never had to pay for it' and I think that is what I would be thinking about. 

Gone are the days when guys like sex and gals don't.  Right? Both like and enjoy sex and casual sexual relations are extremely common.

But some how this guy couldn't manage to find a willing partner. Why? 

I think it is mostly because he has done this many times and he doesn't see it as a morale issue.  I bet as @Wiseman2 suggested there is way more to his past than you know.

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Petra27 said:

It irks me that my gorgeous man had to go to these measures to get sex.

Well no - you're assuming just because a man looks a certain way a woman will want to have sex with him.  Is that why you're having sex with him? You think it's easy for someone who looks as you believe "gorgeous" to find a sex partner? Why -because women are more willing to have sex with a man who looks a certain way? Um. Not this woman.  Not many women I know.  Of course- yes -sexual attraction is essential but most women I know aren't going to have intercourse with a man because of what he looks like, or have intercourse faster or easier because of what he looks like. Most women I know want more.  They want to be attracted to the person which may involve looks a little, or a lot - they want to feel rapport and connected to the person. Many women won't consider it outside of a loving relationship.  I also know many men who don't look at it as "getting sex" but rather - sex is part of a loving, committed relationship not something you get from someone or rely on your looks to get.  I know - shocking right that men and women put this level of thought and emotion and values into having sex - but, it's true!

He had sex with prostitutes because...... he wanted to! For whatever reason he was horny and didn't feel like putting in the effort to meet a woman who wanted a casual sex partner.  He obviously is comfortable separating sex from emotion.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. 

Your Gorgeous Man paid someone for sex because...... he wanted to!  Those are his values.  It wasn't a mistake.  He made the choice and this is how he regards sex -that if you're horny, pay someone for it.  Other people make other choices.  Your man with gorgeous looking features and a bod is also a person who chooses to have sex with people he has no connection to other than sex and in this case an exchange of $ for sex.  Do with that what you will but please - forget about this whole notion of yours that a gorgeous man finds it easier to "get sex".