My bf lied to me about his virginity.

[Confused Girl in Love]

I had been single my entire life. My current bf had a past. He used to tell me how better I am than his ex in soo many ways which wasn't necessary at all. But, I felt good sometimes. He told me how he had never felt what he feels for me and he made me feel like a queen. I had once asked him how far he had gone with his ex and he told me first base. And I believed him.

After two months when we were talking about something he tells me he is not a virgin. This was a huge shock to me. The way he spoke about her, not in a million years did I think he would have gone this far with her. I felt like a fool. I was broken. I started doubting everything he had told me. But, he told me he was scared of losing me, so I let it go then. But every now and then it kept hitting me back.

After our first kiss, he told me it had been a really long time he had kissed someone. That made me feel like he compared it with his past. Later, whenever he spoke about sex in general I started imagining them together. This is causing lot of fights between us.

He always tells me, when he gets intimate with me he feels like he has completely given himself to me. But sometimes, because of all these thoughts in my head, I don't feel like he belongs to me. He told me he was just attracted to her body and it didn’t mean anything to him and he has also told me he meant everything he told about his feelings for me at the beginning of the relationship. 

After all this, I still find it difficult sometimes to believe everything. I just wish he hadn't lied to me. But I really love him with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am very happy with him. He also loves me like crazy. We are in a long distance relationship. Sometimes, maybe because of some external factors or maybe because of something he has said(unintentionally), I get all these thoughts back and we end up fighting.

Please help me, how do I get over it?
 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Confused Girl in Love said:

I had once asked him how far he had gone with his ex and he told me first base.

After two months when we were talking about something he tells me he is not a virgin. whenever he spoke about sex in general I started imagining them together. This is causing lot of fights between us.

 We are in a long distance relationship.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other in person?  How old is he?

He should not have lied, but now that he opened up about it he can not change the past.  How is the relationship overall? What are you afraid of?

[smackie9]

Just tell him to just stop...stop comparing experiences, stop pumping your tires about how much better, stop lying, stop mentioning his intimate past. Tell him there are better ways to enhance intimacy than telling lies.

[SooSad33]

It is common for a partner to not want to willingly disclose everything about their past.

I am over 40 and I have been involved with guys of similar age and I would rarely give information of my past  (lovers).  Of course, at times something may become part of a discussion.  But, we need to let it go.  And realize from the beginning, we're most often never their first, so of course they have a past.

As he had told you, he had some 'fears'?  Then try to take that into account that he was thinking of your feelings.  Not wanting to bother you more.

IF you have some form of insecurities or jealousy, is there a reason for this maybe?  ( If so, maybe consider some prof help in dealing with that so it does not deeply affect what you've got now).

And yes, as Smackie mentioned: This...

Just tell him to just stop...stop comparing experiences, stop pumping your tires about how much better, stop lying, stop mentioning his intimate past.

[Confused Girl in Love]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other in person?  How old is he?

He should not have lied, but now that he opened up about it he can not change the past.  How is the relationship overall? What are you afraid of?

We have been dating from past one year. He is 26. It's been 4 months since we met. I am afraid of these fights affecting our relationship. Other than this everything else is great. Even though we are in long distance, it's going really well. 

[smackie9]

For someone who has trouble with her BF having a past, zowie a LDR is going to be pretty rocky for you emotionally.

[Confused Girl in Love]

23 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

he had told you, he had some 'fears'?  Then try to take that into account that he was thinking of your feelings.  Not wanting to bother you

Yeah he had told me he was scared of losing me. But it still bothers me that he lied to me. How do I let it go ?

[Andrina]

How old are you? How did you two meet? How far in distance do you live? Do you take turns visiting each other, or is it one-sided? Do you spend days together at one of your homes? When do you two plan to close the distance, or has this not been discussed? Do you have the same dating/relationship/life goals?

You both sound immature and clueless about how to go about what to discuss and what not to discuss. It's important at the beginning to find out about, in general, what a person's dating/relationship history has been. But to get into details about it, and to regularly bring the subject up, is not wise. As you see, you start picturing what you don't want to imagine. Don't ask what you don't want to know. If a partner starts blurting about the past, tell them you no longer want to hear about an ex, and would rather talk about the present and future of the relationship that now matters: yours and his.

If you do this, mentally start over again and see if you can go the distance. If you do, you'll look back at this time as totally frivolous and not worth the anxiety.

LDRs usually only succeed if a firm foundation has already been established before the long distance happens. Sounds like your foundation has begun on sea sand, so no wonder your castle is toppling already.

[Confusedgirlsbf]

I am the bf here.. I made a mistake by telling those words when we first kissed, I don’t know what I was thinking, but I didn’t mean to compare. Since then, Every time I say something in general, she thinks I am trying to compare. And we start fighting. She had told me she was a virgin, so I was scared she might judge me and leave since we just started dating. I wanted her to understand me before I tell the truth.(I always wanted to be honest with her from the beginning). Turned out to be a blunder. This is my second relationship (my first was just a short one, can be considered as FwB), hence I did not know how to go about disclosing my first relationship to her. 
 

We have been fighting for a year now because of this. This is the only reason we fight to be honest. I am the happiest person when I am with her physically or virtually on  call. I know she is too. We are just tired of going through this again and again. Please help

[boltnrun]

I don't understand how you can have been together for a year, fighting for a year, but you only met four months ago. Do you mean this was an online only relationship?

[Confusedgirlsbf]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How old are you? How did you two meet? How far in distance do you live? Do you take turns visiting each other, or is it one-sided? Do you spend days together at one of your homes? When do you two plan to close the distance, or has this not been discussed? Do you have the same dating/relationship/life goals?

You both sound immature and clueless about how to go about what to discuss and what not to discuss. It's important at the beginning to find out about, in general, what a person's dating/relationship history has been. But to get into details about it, and to regularly bring the subject up, is not wise. As you see, you start picturing what you don't want to imagine. Don't ask what you don't want to know. If a partner starts blurting about the past, tell them you no longer want to hear about an ex, and would rather talk about the present and future of the relationship that now matters: yours and his.

If you do this, mentally start over again and see if you can go the distance. If you do, you'll look back at this time as totally frivolous and not worth the anxiety.

LDRs usually only succeed if a firm foundation has already been established before the long distance happens. Sounds like your foundation has begun on sea sand, so no wonder your castle is toppling already.

We are 26 years old. She is my best friend’s cousin. We live in opposite ends of the world with a time difference of 10 hours. We used to meet each other when we were in the same country. Now she is trying to move here to the country I am living in 6 months. We had spent time together for the first 4 months and I felt there is no better person for me than her. We speak to each other for hours everyday even with the time difference. We wish to marry each other soon.

But this has been bothering us a lot! She goes into a hole crying and punishing herself. I always feel guilty for getting her into this state. I lied about the exact details of my past. We usually end fights by her asking some questions about my past and me answering to them and reassuring her that mine was not a serious relationship. She had built dreams about me without knowing my past. When I told her the truth, her dreams got shattered and the wound still exists. Please help us in getting over this ☹️

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Confusedgirlsbf said:

She had told me she was a virgin. We have been fighting for a year now because of this.  We are just tired of going through this again and again. 

Stop obsessing over an unchangeable past. 

[Confusedgirlsbf]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't understand how you can have been together for a year, fighting for a year, but you only met four months ago. Do you mean this was an online only relationship?

Sorry for the confusion, we dated for first one month, it was ldr for next 7 months with constant visits every 2-3 weeks. Then I had to move to another country and we are away from each other for 4 months

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Confusedgirlsbf said:

She goes into a hole crying and punishing herself. I always feel guilty for getting her into this state.

When I thought you were still the girlfriend, I was going to to run from a guy that compares you to his ex (lol)!

I was also going to tell you that you are the one who felt good because he compared you to an ex. It's not healthy to derive so much satisfaction from something like that.

Finally, I was going to point out that you were the one who asked him how far he got with his ex. I was going to tell you that I agree with SooSad33:

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

It is common for a partner to not want to willingly disclose everything about their past.

I'm not saying it's ok to lie, but it is a prying question and awkward question for anyone to field. 

Now that I know you're really the guy, I'll repeat my thoughts on comparisons: It's not healthy for someone to focus so much on comparisons to other people.*

2 hours ago, Confusedgirlsbf said:

She goes into a hole crying and punishing herself. I always feel guilty for getting her into this state. I lied about the exact details of my past. We usually end fights by her asking some questions about my past and me answering to them and reassuring her that mine was not a serious relationship. She had built dreams about me without knowing my past. When I told her the truth, her dreams got shattered and the wound still exists.

I think that 26 is kind of old for someone to behave this way. Yes, you lied and that isn't good. But to obsess over it for a year and not break up isn't good, either. 

I don't see how there is any 'fixing' it. She's going to have to get over this herself--for her own sake. It's not good to be this insecure. If you're dead set on this relationship, I think it's going to be a difficult road for you. 

________________

*Side note: It's not wise for you to use comparisons to win over a girlfriend because chances are the person that this works on has a self image that is built on comparisons to other people. As you can see here, it goes both ways. She's putting a lot of value into both positive and negative comparisons to your ex--even though the negative is in her own head.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I'm not sure about all of this... that there's something deeper than 'he lied', or 'he was with someone before me' , kind of thing.

Seriously. Everyone has a past.  And some things should stay there.

So what, he had a GF before her.  So, he lied about that- but for a reason. ( Did he cheat? I don't think so).... ( Did he abuse her? I doubt it).

Is time to either get over this now or this isn't going to work out at all.  And FYI, lies are given daily by millions.  We cannot lose it because we didn't hear what we wanted to hear. AND, learn to NEVER compare partners.  Keep that crap to yerself. 😉 

So, maybe figure out if it's something deeper than what's come out.

 

[catfeeder]

I don't understand the premise that a fully grown man should have sprung from the womb, fully formed, and without a sexual history.

Or that he should be positioned to discuss his private sexual details with anyone.

All adult relationships being voluntary, the only history we 'owe' anyone who we want to date would be a clean STD report and an honest account of the date of our last breakup and whether or not we are still involved with an ex.

The rest is just noise and manipulation, which demonstrates unreadiness for a committed relationship.

I'd break free and decide whether either person wants to try contacting the other in a year or so after viewing one another through a more mature lens.

[lostandhurt]

Wait what?

You make a profile using girl in it and then post a problem you are having with your bf but you aren't the girl in the situation you are in fact the bf that lied.

  Why did you lie to us and post as the gf?  Why didn't you post as the bf that is having issues with his LDR gf?

Lost

PS   If you are this sketchy with an anonymous online forum I can see why she is having trust issues with you.

[Confused Girl in Love]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Wait what?

You make a profile using girl in it and then post a problem you are having with your bf but you aren't the girl in the situation you are in fact the bf that lied.

  Why did you lie to us and post as the gf?  Why didn't you post as the bf that is having issues with his LDR gf?

Lost

PS   If you are this sketchy with an anonymous online forum I can see why she is having trust issues with you.

I am the girl who posted the question. And my bf is just telling his side of the story. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Confusedgirlsbf said:

 We live in opposite ends of the world with a time difference of 10 hours.  Now she is trying to move here to the country I am living in 6 months.  

It seems like you are avoiding the real issues of an unrealistic distance and uncertain future due to this.

You're bickering over an unchangeable past and nonsense for a year now with no realistic or feasible plans to be together.

You're at each other's throats because you are frustrated by the distance and disconnect.

How can she move to the country you're in with no job, Covid, no marriage visa,etc..?

How is it that you are this far apart? Is it due to work or education? Are you from different cultures? Have you even met each other's friends or family?

 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Confused Girl in Love said:

I am the girl who posted the question. And my bf is just telling his side of the story.

Ok, then my post applies to both of you.

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, Confusedgirlsbf said:

She goes into a hole crying and punishing herself. I always feel guilty for getting her into this state. I lied about the exact details of my past. We usually end fights by her asking some questions about my past and me answering to them and reassuring her that mine was not a serious relationship. She had built dreams about me without knowing my past. When I told her the truth, her dreams got shattered and the wound still exists.

Wow. Dating is supposed to be about fun, enjoyable companionship.

This is the opposite. The third degree. Crying. Punishment. Sounds as fun as being held captive by an enemy and tortured.

I'd be like, "Uh, yeah. Nope. I'm am so out of here."

[smackie9]

Words do nothing because girl doesn't have the level of maturity/experience/coping skills to properly process, let it go and move forward. All trust that was there is gone for good. As for the BF, you are a selfish being. You lied for your own selfish needs to keep her for yourself. You need to grow up too. You can't lie your way through life to get what you want without hurting people. You never saw or even thought about the consequences of your actions. IMO after a year of fighting about it....there is no chance.

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, Jibralta said:

But to obsess over it for a year and not break up isn't good, either. 

I'd also like to add that you're both obsessing over it. Personally, I don't see a point in continuing a relationship that centers on a power struggle. But to each his/her own. 

[lostandhurt]

7 hours ago, Confused Girl in Love said:

I am the girl who posted the question. And my bf is just telling his side of the story. 

So you both are on here working out your problems?

Do you want to solve the issue or do you want a referee?

 

 Lost

[Blue_Skirt]

Am I the only one who thinks this thread is not for real? I always am puzzled when GF and BF come on the same thread.

Anyway, in case this is for real, my question to GF is, were you shocked that he was not a virgin anymore, or were you shocked that he lied?