What’s the meaning of this?

[DancingFool]

Dude, she wasn't pleased to hear from you, this is formal language that implies distancing and formality. A bit like a company responds to customer complaints with "thank you for reaching out to us about...." They aren't actually thanking you for anything and aren't pleased to hear from you, but they do have to deal with your bs and respond politely.

Overall, your first response to saying no to playing friends with the ex was the correct one. Do stick with it and walk away. Stop reaching out to make yourself feel whatever because all you are doing is making a simple breakup muddy and difficult.

Lots of people break up with the "let's stay friends" line and either they don't actually mean it, it's just a soft let down OR they do want to continue to use you for certain benefits but without a full relationship. Effectively to use you to get over you kind of a thing. Similar to weaning themselves off in a way that is least painful to them. However, once they do move on, you'll end up in the trash bin. So again, stay away from friends with ex's nonsense. Sounds a lot like since she had her fit, she has actually already moved on and is fine without you in her life, thus the formal response. Please take the hint and stop reaching out to her.

Keep in mind also, that the next woman you'll date won't look favorably at you being pals with your ex as it looks too much like unfinished business. You say that you are over this, then act like it and stop reaching out, checking in, etc. Done is done. No more contact.

[smackie9]

It's just a matter of mixed emotions/ mixed up feelings after a breakup. Most do act hastily at first and block/delete/post negative things, etc. Then they calm down, and start going through the adjustment period. People can do/say weird things when they are in this process of adjustment, but not have any meaning or hidden messages, most likely a knee jerk reaction. Maybe after she thanked you she cringed and told herself "Why did you respond like that, I feel like an idiot now."

[Phill73]

11 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

she wasn't pleased to hear from you, this is formal language that implies distancing and formality.

But knowing her as I do after reading her txts for over a year for her to say thank you she means it..   she’s caused arguments between us and Iv left her house and gone home to cool off, I’v txt her my apologies for leaving and explaining why and she’s always thanked me for such nice messages,,

I can assure you 100% if she was annoyed with me txting she 100% would not thank me for that message ..

[DancingFool]

24 minutes ago, Phill73 said:

But knowing her as I do after reading her txts for over a year for her to say thank you she means it..   she’s caused arguments between us and Iv left her house and gone home to cool off, I’v txt her my apologies for leaving and explaining why and she’s always thanked me for such nice messages,,

I can assure you 100% if she was annoyed with me txting she 100% would not thank me for that message ..

Different context. Come on guy, you are in your 40's and should know basic language nuances. You keep saying that you are fine with the breakup and yet you seem desperate to keep contact and try to read something into nothing. Better that you stop tormenting yourself and walk away clean from this. Don't need to make a breakup so messy.

[Phill73]

6 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Different context. Come on guy, you are in your 40's and should know basic language nuances. You keep saying that you are fine with the breakup and yet you seem desperate to keep contact and try to read something into nothing. Better that you stop tormenting yourself and walk away clean from this. Don't need to make a breakup so messy.

Providing I was leading my life as normal and I was happy I was prepared to give her time to realise her mistakes and work things out together..

some people do work things out and others don’t..

I’m just not one for falling out with any person from any walk of life..  theres people I despise at work but I’m respectful and polite to them but try to avoid them at all costs ☺️

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, Phill73 said:

Providing I was leading my life as normal and I was happy I was prepared to give her time to realise her mistakes and work things out together..

...oooof.... Her mistakes? 

Maybe stop lying to yourself that you are totally cool with the break up when it's so painfully obvious that you are far from it. You can't heal when you can't even admit you are hurt.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Phill73 said:

what if she realised she made huge mistakes and wanted to sort things out it would be like cutting my nose off despite my face?

"Thank you" does not mean "I made a huge mistake and would like to sort things out."

"Let's stay in touch as friends" also does not mean "I made a huge mistake and would like to sort things out."

Why don't you believe that she means what she says?

[Phill73]

26 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

...oooof.... Her mistakes? 

Maybe stop lying to yourself that you are totally cool with the break up when it's so painfully obvious that you are far from it. You can't heal when you can't even admit you are hurt.

Of course I miss her and love her but I understand I can’t force her to feel the same.,

accepting she made a choice doesn’t mean I hurt less or miss her any less..

im not begging or asking her to  come back so Iv accepted her choice doesn’t mean I’m not hurt inside..

[SooSad33]

She is just being respectful.  You are both having to deal with this BU.  So, it will take some time to fully accept, heal & move on.

Any idea of being 'friends', just prolongs things and your ability to fully accept/ let go, etc.  is best not to. ( I'd often repeat in my head.. It's all or nothing).

I'm sure you do want her back, but she ended this, yes?  Then you respect her wishes and expect no more from her.

I have had a cpl ex's act out similar. 1) even though he had clearly moved on/cheated, continued to say ' I love you/ miss you' crap.  Meant nothing, we were done.. Within about a month, I did stop responding and gave up.  Was best way for my own self.. 2) continued similar way, that he did want us to 'be friends', but I knew I couldn't do it.. and fought hard to reach out anymore.  I managed & we haven't spoken in almost 2 yrs.. Is just how it must be, in order to be able to move on & accept in best way for ourselves.- they should NOT expect us to be a 'friend'.

You just be done with all of it... find that inner strength to stop reaching out to her.

Keep yourself busy, hang with friends, all you want to say, journal it and don't send!

[Phill73]

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I'm sure you do want her back, but she ended this, yes?  Then you respect her wishes and expect no more from her.

Yes of course I’d try work things out. Iv accepted it in a sense I’m not harassing her to try again.

I still love her I have no shame to admit this..

i’m confused and don’t know what to do from day to day, week to week, I’m just happy things are polite between us right now..

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Phill73 said:

i’m confused and don’t know what to do from day to day, week to week,

Nothing to be confused about. What's done is done. It's over. Nothing confusing about that. You learn to accept it and respect her wishes and leave her be. Nothing confusing about that.

Now you work on yourself and sort yourself out. Go jogging, join a gym, hiking, cycling, volunteering, do things with your friends etc etc. The possibilities of filling your days are endless. Choice is yours.  You either learn from all of this, or sit and mooch around all day. What's it going to be?

 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I see you are sitting in denial, which is normal.. until you can move on to the next stage. ( grief)

You need to learn again how to be okay with being on your own. One thing I kept reminding myself. I was okay before him, I will be okay after him.

Is a big change.. I know 😕 .  So be kind to yourself, feel the emotions and give it all time.

 

[JordanRayne]

I think you are reading into it too much. As someone who's ex messages every now and again pretty much the same way its probably just being polite, saying she appreciates you caring but it has no deeper meaning, unless she is contacting you or like trying to keep the conversation going maybe but yeah i think you are reading into it too much.

[Phill73]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

I see you are sitting in denial, which is normal.. until you can move on to the next stage. ( grief)

I have definitely been grieving, I’v been threw a mixture of emotions from sad, angry, positive, I seem to feel different every day, going from feeling ok and then waking up feeling sad one day is rubbish..

In life I’m determined, i’m inquisitive and enjoy solving problems and fixing things..  items in general not necessarily people..

despite some of her actions being self destructive at times I genuinely believed I improved her life.  She could be strong and aloof at times but really needy and vulnerable at other times..  she made me believe she just needed me to respect and love  her..  far as I was concerned I did..  even after we split up she said she loved me more than anyone ever and thought I was wonderful..

I thought her offer of friendship was legitimate, she complained saying maybe I’m not used to staying friends, she said it would hugely beneficial as we know each other so well..

Iv enjoyed time on my own, but Iv also had time to reflect, I’m not the type of person to give up on something with out trying, same as when I try and fix things or solve puzzles..

I am a little angry that she’s ended the relationship on things she perceived not to work as a result of problems she caused, I always looked for solutions.. but she ended it suggesting either I was to blame or simply we didn’t get on but truth is 99.9% of people had already told me to get out because her behaviour is not good, but rather than her realise this and work on her self she’s taken what appears the easy route out so she doesn’t have to look at her problems or actions etc..

the way she cut me off with no validation or closure acting very cold towards me was a shock….  But having said all that,   I found it very confusing when she then wanted to be friends and she was serious about this it was her suggestion that came out of the blue..

I was confused because she left me because she clearly felt there were issues between us and that perhaps we didn’t get on but wanted to be friends,  I don’t know why you’d want to be friends with someone if that’s how you felt..

dealing with the rejection, grief etc that follows a relationship is alien, it’s not something you get taught and it effects everyone differently, some people walk away as if nothing happened…

my head says she got issues and she’s best avoided but my heart still wants the love and relationship we had..   she had become my closest friend and Ali and lover,  so her offer of friendship means I keep part of what we had..

I probably shouldn’t but I’m just prepared to forgive her for causing me this pain..

when people say block everyone associated with her it seems so brutal, none of her family or friends caused me any pain.. I got on with everyone and they all though I was good for my ex..

i said to my ex that because she wanted to end it and I had no (CHOICE). I would have to force my self to fall out of love and forget her.  Her reply was “you shouldn’t force yourself to do anything”.      How can she say that? I’m the hurting from her actions, I can’t go threw life  wanting to love her and surly she should understand this..

so when I say I’m confused I am, to stay friends or not, walk away and block or not to block..

Even if she wanted to try again I’m not comfortable with any choice or decision so I’m confused because what my head and heart say are 2 different things..

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Phill73 said:

  I said to my ex that because she wanted to end it and I had no (CHOICE). 

Precisely. A breakup is initiated by the unhappy person and unilateral.

You seem to have nothing but horrible things to say about her. Sounds like sour grapes and a bruised ego.

Time to let go. You weren't good for each other and she knew it before you did.

[Rose Mosse]

38 minutes ago, Phill73 said:

Even if she wanted to try again I’m not comfortable with any choice or decision so I’m confused because what my head and heart say are 2 different things..

It is ok to do nothing. Step away and focus on your other things going on. 

Blocking someone is not a good way to deal with pain. You are in pain so just let it be and heal. When you’re feeling less raw and edgy frankly blocking or not doesn’t matter. 

[Phill73]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Precisely. A breakup is initiated by the unhappy person and unilateral.

You seem to have nothing but horrible things to say about her. Sounds like sour grapes and a bruised ego.

Time to let go. You weren't good for each other and she knew it before you did.

Rather than understand the situation with any empathy you choose to criticise..   Irrespective of of your negative perception towards me and my actions, I’v always been a person to try my best and be respectful to others. 
 

unfortunately my ex didn’t return this in the same way,  am I pissed off because she ended it after I gave so much? Dan right I am and justifiably so IMO..

doesn’t mean I want to block her or her family out of my life. She may one day realise she made mistakes and she reach out and need help..    do you think every person in life that makes a mistake should be discarded with no 2nd chance?

I don’t have to accept her offer of reconciliation or friendship but id like to consider all avenues before making rash choices.   
 

despite the way she treated me at times I don’t wish to inflict hurt or act harsh towards her.  Blocking her or her family isn’t the answer..

if that’s how you treat people in your life  go ahead,  I’d rather approach things with a little more scope..   

it wasn’t an amicable split up as I had no choice but she’s been nothing but polite towards me since the split,  she’s technically treated me with more compassion after the relationship than she did during it..  it doesn’t mean I’m bitter or twisted or wish her ill fate..

I don’t turn my back on people in need, I’ll get over it in time..

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Phill73 said:

 am I pissed off because she ended it 

Ok. Talk to your doctor and therapist. They may be able to help you with your anger issues. Perhaps that's why she dumped you?

[Phill73]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Talk to your doctor and therapist. They may be able to help you with your anger issues. Perhaps that's why she dumped you?

I’m not angry thank you.. keep your negative comments….  I’m content thanks..  lots of people feel hurt that gets dumped, fairly normal statistic..

you single out a negative and twist it to criticise me? I’m wondering if your the bitter person?

did you not read the part when I said 

2 hours ago, Phill73 said:

despite the way she treated me at times I don’t wish to inflict hurt or act harsh towards her.  Blocking her or her family isn’t the answer..

I’ll say again. Yes I’m upset she’s gone, no anger or bitterness..  I wish her well..

Blocking her is a sign of weakness, it solves nothing other than show her she’s got to me…

id rather be the better person, 2 wrongs don’t make a right..

I don’t need to debate the relationship or why she ended it, I accept that…

my initial question was to work out and understand her motives post break up..

some people remain friends, some don’t..  providing I’m happy I have no reason not to stay friends if it also makes her happy…

[catfeeder]

On 12/31/2021 at 4:57 AM, Phill73 said:

now she’s thanking me for sending her a message suggesting we can be friends..

 

This is one of the problems with trying to play friendzies with an ex. You'll look for hidden 'meaning' in every breadcrumb she drops your way.

You're setting yourself up for a second breakup when she takes up with someone else.

Why do that?

Staying friends with an ex means that she gets to enjoy the comforts of you even while she moves forward, while you remain stagnant focused on an agenda that warps your focus on finding clues to reconciliation.

Instead, I'd give her the gift of missing you. 

People thank others for reaching out all of the time. It's polite. It's not a hidden thing.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[SooSad33]

21 hours ago, Phill73 said:

I am a little angry that she’s ended the relationship on things she perceived not to work as a result of problems she caused, I always looked for solutions.. but she ended it suggesting either I was to blame or simply we didn’t get on but truth is 99.9% of people had already told me to get out because her behaviour is not good, but rather than her realise this and work on her self she’s taken what appears the easy route out so she doesn’t have to look at her problems or actions etc..

Some people are good for pushing other's away.. I did when younger as well.  I liked them but was dealing with depression & felt awful about myself 😕 ... I think I felt I was not deserving etc.  But, I went to therapy and worked through my insecurities etc.

Yes, YOU worked on solutions.. But, you cannot 'fix' her.

And as for your friends of which you say 99% said to get out of this- what's this tell you?

I do not see this as her taking the easy route out... she has made her choice.  No, so often our first 'love' is not the one for us.  We can go through many partners before we find the right one for us, where we feel compatible, loved etc ( as well as feeling our own mental health is well- for her it isn't).

 

21 hours ago, Phill73 said:

I was confused because she left me because she clearly felt there were issues between us and that perhaps we didn’t get on but wanted to be friends,  I don’t know why you’d want to be friends with someone if that’s how you felt..

Yes, I'm sure she does care for you, but is possible she can't do this ( be involved with someone).

A relationship has expectations, respect, communication and takes your energy.

So, although she can't do this, she does still want you in her life 'as a friend'.  But, for so many we simply can't do that - because our emotions are still high. ( as I told an ex once, I can't 'go backwards' ).

 

Anyways, I feel things are very hard for you at this time, yes.  And in order for YOU to work on accepting, healing and moving on, the best route is to have no more to do with her so you can do this.  The less we know the better about an ex.  And No Contact rules.. In order to be able to move ahead.