He left me, I can't seem to stop crying

[wheninrome75]

My bf broke up with me.  It has been a really difficult 6 months because I was having some medical issues that really messed up my hormones.  I can't cope.  I cry.  I sleep and want to sleep more.  He barely has contact with me.  He mostly has me blocked on his phone.  I keep trying to tell him we should have worked on things like communication.  If I was the one 4 years ago I am still the one.  But we need to handle our differences and not let resentment build up.

My brain tells me I need to move on.  To stop trying to contact him.  But the emotions have more control.  I cry and sob at night.  I don't want to feel like this.  I love deep.  I always had really strong highs/lows all my life.  What is wrong with me? This is a terrible way to live, if you can even call it living. 

[Batya33]

Do you have family or friends you can speak with -even if you cannot see them?  I'm sorry you're hurting.  Were you two in relationship counseling?  How did you work on "communication" in the past?

[AutumnBorn]

WhenInRome, I think you need a fun project to distract you and fill your mind: You

Wouldn't you like to become the one who got away? Know this - one day he's going to reach out in some way or you'll run into each other at some event. It could be six weeks, six months, or six years from now. Doesn't really matter - it will happen and you should be prepared. Would you rather he see the same woman he once rejected or someone he's not expecting? Someone confident and self-assured? Someone he would think he might have been wrong about?

Before you start, you have to stop trying to see or hear anything from or about him. Our exes have a special kind of radar - they know when we're trying to catch some news or a glimpse of them. You need to actually try to avoid seeing him so enough time passes for you to get from "before* to "after". Don't worry. He'll still be trying to avoid you, just don't go looking. Let that radar of his go completely silent.

Step 1

Change something small about the way you look.in case you run into him in 6 hours. This should be something that's just temporary and may only register on a subliminal level - part your hair on the other side. If you normally accessorize, stop wearing jewelry. If you don't normally wear mascara, start.

This is so that he won't be able to put his finger on what's different about you, but will know something is changing.

Step 2:

Learn something new. Take a class - learn to play the cello, take a sign language course, or join a writing workshop.

It'll give you something to help distract you.

Step 3

Become an expert in something - local politics or architecture, digital photography.

You'll become more interesting.

Step 3

Expand your social circle. Go to new restaurants and businesses. Introduce yourself to people and practice remembering their names (while never expecting they'll remember yours). Listen to others and ask thoughtful questions so they know you're engaged and interested.

You'll become well known and popular in your community.

Step 4

Volunteer at least 4 hours  a month for a cause you believe in.

You'll find self worth outside of relationships.

Step 5

Go on am adventure.

You'll want to have a story to tell when you do run into your ex.

Step 6

Take good care of yourself physically.

You'll want to make sure he notices you, right?

Step 6b

Change something about your personal appearance. The reason this is further down the list is that it should be a thoughtful change. Don't just impulsively decide to shave your head. Rather develop or refine your personal style, whatever it is.

6c

Daily affirmations. Short, positive, present, personal, and specific messages. Get a notebook and wrote out 30 of these sentences. Every night before you go to sleep, wrote one of those sentences 39 times while you say it over in your head.

Here's an example of a good affirmation: I have cute earlobes. (This was an affirmation n I'm actually used because my self-esteem was so low I couldn't think of many compliments for myself at first.)

This is a bad affirmation: I will not look at my ex's social media. (It's not personal, it's really about him. It has a negative word in it, "not", so not positive. And is not present, but forward in time as implied by "will".)

Not all affirmations have to be things you believe are true right now. They can be things you wish were true as long as they follow the other rules. Like: I am worthy of being deeply loved. It is true, but you may not believe it right now, so it's good.

Another good one: I am in complete control of my actions.

Bad: I will not cry today.

Affirmations are corny and dumb, but if you do them for thirty days they'll start to work their magic.

.It's in important to write them out. Start by coming up with the 30 sentences. Before bed pick one to write out 30 times, but read all of them every night.

This will help change your inner dialogue and how you perceive yourself  You'll feel more confident and attractive. And how you feel is 50% how others perceive you.

--

The entire plan is to focus on yourself. No contact with him. No posting weird things on social media hoping to get his attention. And no posting vague hints about these changes - either don't mention them at all or be up front and upbeat about them, posting only to a friendly audience. Personally, I think radio silence on is best.

When he sees you, don't you want the sweet revenge of seeing him eat his heart out? You do that by becoming the best version of yourself and not remaining the pathetic girl with the tear soaked pillowcases and puffy eyes. It's not a good look. Not the least bit attractive.

Believe me. I was that woman. I cried every day for 2 years. TWO SOLID YEARS. Not all day, but for at least a few minutes every day, usually an hour. Until I realized what I was doing wasn't working for me on any level and I developed my own personal plan.

Did my ex come sniffing around? Yes. Was I over him by then? Absolutely, and dating a very successful, intelligent, handsome artist to whom I'm married  today - why would I even consider going back to a narcissistic geek who played mind games?

Good luck.

 

[Rose Mosse]

17 hours ago, wheninrome75 said:

My bf broke up with me.  It has been a really difficult 6 months because I was having some medical issues that really messed up my hormones.  I can't cope.  I cry.  I sleep and want to sleep more.  He barely has contact with me.  He mostly has me blocked on his phone.  I keep trying to tell him we should have worked on things like communication.  If I was the one 4 years ago I am still the one.  But we need to handle our differences and not let resentment build up.

My brain tells me I need to move on.  To stop trying to contact him.  But the emotions have more control.  I cry and sob at night.  I don't want to feel like this.  I love deep.  I always had really strong highs/lows all my life.  What is wrong with me? This is a terrible way to live, if you can even call it living. 

Put your phone in another room and walk away. Keep doing this consistently until you’ve changed the habit of looking at it or needing it.

Unfortunately people can change and he has changed his mind. It’s best to respect that and never seek to convince a person otherwise or sway them from their decisions.

Listen very carefully to the things he has said and judge for yourself whether you would believe or trust someone who doesn’t want to be with you or thinks so differently that you are both incompatible.

That someone finds reason to end a relationship instead of working it out with you is your cue to accept he’s not the man for you.

This may be a blessing in disguise. It’s freeing you to live your life without a dysfunctional relationship slowing you down. It may not feel like it at the moment but there is nothing worse than staying with someone you can’t see eye to eye with.

 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, wheninrome75 said:

It has been a really difficult 6 months because I was having some medical issues that really messed up my hormones. I always had really strong highs/lows all my life. 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Did you live together?

The best thing you can do is follow up with your physicians and discuss your physical and mental health. Particularly "highs and lows".

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support with the displaced anger and mood swings.

[wheninrome75]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Did you live together?

The best thing you can do is follow up with your physicians and discuss your physical and mental health. Particularly "highs and lows".

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support with the displaced anger and mood swings.

ARe you sure you don't think I should admit myself into a mental hospital and quit my job.  Probably should put my dog down too???? You offer help but really it is condescending. 

[wheninrome75]

15 hours ago, AutumnBorn said:

WhenInRome, I think you need a fun project to distract you and fill your mind: You

Wouldn't you like to become the one who got away? Know this - one day he's going to reach out in some way or you'll run into each other at some event. It could be six weeks, six months, or six years from now. Doesn't really matter - it will happen and you should be prepared. Would you rather he see the same woman he once rejected or someone he's not expecting? Someone confident and self-assured? Someone he would think he might have been wrong about?

Before you start, you have to stop trying to see or hear anything from or about him. Our exes have a special kind of radar - they know when we're trying to catch some news or a glimpse of them. You need to actually try to avoid seeing him so enough time passes for you to get from "before* to "after". Don't worry. He'll still be trying to avoid you, just don't go looking. Let that radar of his go completely silent.

Step 1

Change something small about the way you look.in case you run into him in 6 hours. This should be something that's just temporary and may only register on a subliminal level - part your hair on the other side. If you normally accessorize, stop wearing jewelry. If you don't normally wear mascara, start.

This is so that he won't be able to put his finger on what's different about you, but will know something is changing.

Step 2:

Learn something new. Take a class - learn to play the cello, take a sign language course, or join a writing workshop.

It'll give you something to help distract you.

Step 3

Become an expert in something - local politics or architecture, digital photography.

You'll become more interesting.

Step 3

Expand your social circle. Go to new restaurants and businesses. Introduce yourself to people and practice remembering their names (while never expecting they'll remember yours). Listen to others and ask thoughtful questions so they know you're engaged and interested.

You'll become well known and popular in your community.

Step 4

Volunteer at least 4 hours  a month for a cause you believe in.

You'll find self worth outside of relationships.

Step 5

Go on am adventure.

You'll want to have a story to tell when you do run into your ex.

Step 6

Take good care of yourself physically.

You'll want to make sure he notices you, right?

Step 6b

Change something about your personal appearance. The reason this is further down the list is that it should be a thoughtful change. Don't just impulsively decide to shave your head. Rather develop or refine your personal style, whatever it is.

6c

Daily affirmations. Short, positive, present, personal, and specific messages. Get a notebook and wrote out 30 of these sentences. Every night before you go to sleep, wrote one of those sentences 39 times while you say it over in your head.

Here's an example of a good affirmation: I have cute earlobes. (This was an affirmation n I'm actually used because my self-esteem was so low I couldn't think of many compliments for myself at first.)

This is a bad affirmation: I will not look at my ex's social media. (It's not personal, it's really about him. It has a negative word in it, "not", so not positive. And is not present, but forward in time as implied by "will".)

Not all affirmations have to be things you believe are true right now. They can be things you wish were true as long as they follow the other rules. Like: I am worthy of being deeply loved. It is true, but you may not believe it right now, so it's good.

Another good one: I am in complete control of my actions.

Bad: I will not cry today.

Affirmations are corny and dumb, but if you do them for thirty days they'll start to work their magic.

.It's in important to write them out. Start by coming up with the 30 sentences. Before bed pick one to write out 30 times, but read all of them every night.

This will help change your inner dialogue and how you perceive yourself  You'll feel more confident and attractive. And how you feel is 50% how others perceive you.

--

The entire plan is to focus on yourself. No contact with him. No posting weird things on social media hoping to get his attention. And no posting vague hints about these changes - either don't mention them at all or be up front and upbeat about them, posting only to a friendly audience. Personally, I think radio silence on is best.

When he sees you, don't you want the sweet revenge of seeing him eat his heart out? You do that by becoming the best version of yourself and not remaining the pathetic girl with the tear soaked pillowcases and puffy eyes. It's not a good look. Not the least bit attractive.

Believe me. I was that woman. I cried every day for 2 years. TWO SOLID YEARS. Not all day, but for at least a few minutes every day, usually an hour. Until I realized what I was doing wasn't working for me on any level and I developed my own personal plan.

Did my ex come sniffing around? Yes. Was I over him by then? Absolutely, and dating a very successful, intelligent, handsome artist to whom I'm married  today - why would I even consider going back to a narcissistic geek who played mind games?

Good luck.

 

I do sometimes send texts to myself and I realize they are daily affirmations.  They surprisingly do help. I have ADHD so emotional regulation has been an issue as is rejection. 

[goddess]

I am really sorry you are hurting so much.  I experienced the same feelings when my 29 year marriage died.  I cried so much. Many times, I couldn't even make it to the supermarket because I just broke down and had to go back home.  I could barely function.  The despair that I felt was overwhelming.  But, slowly and surely, I began to recover and got out of my dark place.  What I can tell you is that what you are feeling is normal but, unfortunately, there is no magic cure.  No pill to ease the pain.  Give yourself time; that is the key, wheninrome.  Take baby steps.  Know that you are not alone.  You need to go through a grieving process.  You will pull through; you'll see.  

[wheninrome75]

On 12/28/2021 at 1:48 AM, AutumnBorn said:

WhenInRome, I think you need a fun project to distract you and fill your mind: You

Wouldn't you like to become the one who got away? Know this - one day he's going to reach out in some way or you'll run into each other at some event. It could be six weeks, six months, or six years from now. Doesn't really matter - it will happen and you should be prepared. Would you rather he see the same woman he once rejected or someone he's not expecting? Someone confident and self-assured? Someone he would think he might have been wrong about?

Before you start, you have to stop trying to see or hear anything from or about him. Our exes have a special kind of radar - they know when we're trying to catch some news or a glimpse of them. You need to actually try to avoid seeing him so enough time passes for you to get from "before* to "after". Don't worry. He'll still be trying to avoid you, just don't go looking. Let that radar of his go completely silent.

Step 1

Change something small about the way you look.in case you run into him in 6 hours. This should be something that's just temporary and may only register on a subliminal level - part your hair on the other side. If you normally accessorize, stop wearing jewelry. If you don't normally wear mascara, start.

This is so that he won't be able to put his finger on what's different about you, but will know something is changing.

Step 2:

Learn something new. Take a class - learn to play the cello, take a sign language course, or join a writing workshop.

It'll give you something to help distract you.

Step 3

Become an expert in something - local politics or architecture, digital photography.

You'll become more interesting.

Step 3

Expand your social circle. Go to new restaurants and businesses. Introduce yourself to people and practice remembering their names (while never expecting they'll remember yours). Listen to others and ask thoughtful questions so they know you're engaged and interested.

You'll become well known and popular in your community.

Step 4

Volunteer at least 4 hours  a month for a cause you believe in.

You'll find self worth outside of relationships.

Step 5

Go on am adventure.

You'll want to have a story to tell when you do run into your ex.

Step 6

Take good care of yourself physically.

You'll want to make sure he notices you, right?

Step 6b

Change something about your personal appearance. The reason this is further down the list is that it should be a thoughtful change. Don't just impulsively decide to shave your head. Rather develop or refine your personal style, whatever it is.

6c

Daily affirmations. Short, positive, present, personal, and specific messages. Get a notebook and wrote out 30 of these sentences. Every night before you go to sleep, wrote one of those sentences 39 times while you say it over in your head.

Here's an example of a good affirmation: I have cute earlobes. (This was an affirmation n I'm actually used because my self-esteem was so low I couldn't think of many compliments for myself at first.)

This is a bad affirmation: I will not look at my ex's social media. (It's not personal, it's really about him. It has a negative word in it, "not", so not positive. And is not present, but forward in time as implied by "will".)

Not all affirmations have to be things you believe are true right now. They can be things you wish were true as long as they follow the other rules. Like: I am worthy of being deeply loved. It is true, but you may not believe it right now, so it's good.

Another good one: I am in complete control of my actions.

Bad: I will not cry today.

Affirmations are corny and dumb, but if you do them for thirty days they'll start to work their magic.

.It's in important to write them out. Start by coming up with the 30 sentences. Before bed pick one to write out 30 times, but read all of them every night.

This will help change your inner dialogue and how you perceive yourself  You'll feel more confident and attractive. And how you feel is 50% how others perceive you.

--

The entire plan is to focus on yourself. No contact with him. No posting weird things on social media hoping to get his attention. And no posting vague hints about these changes - either don't mention them at all or be up front and upbeat about them, posting only to a friendly audience. Personally, I think radio silence on is best.

When he sees you, don't you want the sweet revenge of seeing him eat his heart out? You do that by becoming the best version of yourself and not remaining the pathetic girl with the tear soaked pillowcases and puffy eyes. It's not a good look. Not the least bit attractive.

Believe me. I was that woman. I cried every day for 2 years. TWO SOLID YEARS. Not all day, but for at least a few minutes every day, usually an hour. Until I realized what I was doing wasn't working for me on any level and I developed my own personal plan.

Did my ex come sniffing around? Yes. Was I over him by then? Absolutely, and dating a very successful, intelligent, handsome artist to whom I'm married  today - why would I even consider going back to a narcissistic geek who played mind games?

Good luck.

 

2 years of crying. My God. That sounds horrifying.  This is exactly what I don't want.  

[wheninrome75]

On 12/28/2021 at 7:36 PM, goddess said:

I am really sorry you are hurting so much.  I experienced the same feelings when my 29 year marriage died.  I cried so much. Many times, I couldn't even make it to the supermarket because I just broke down and had to go back home.  I could barely function.  The despair that I felt was overwhelming.  But, slowly and surely, I began to recover and got out of my dark place.  What I can tell you is that what you are feeling is normal but, unfortunately, there is no magic cure.  No pill to ease the pain.  Give yourself time; that is the key, wheninrome.  Take baby steps.  Know that you are not alone.  You need to go through a grieving process.  You will pull through; you'll see.  

goddess- i can relate to not being able to leave the house.  It was far easier to fall in love wasn't it? How many times can a heart break before it is considered shattered? 

[Andrina]

What's your life been like during the last four years besides having a boyfriend? What are the other areas of your life you put time and energy into? What were the differences that got in the way of a happy relationship?

On 12/27/2021 at 5:29 PM, wheninrome75 said:

If I was the one 4 years ago I am still the one. 

I don't really agree with that. Sometimes bitterness eats away at love, and what you felt at the beginning isn't what you always end up with. Sometimes, even if the person becomes who you wanted all along, it's too late.

You're not going to be able to move on until you go no contact. You're keeping him in your life right now. I always think that if a person cared enough, they'd communicate and work on problems together. Apparently, he stopped caring and most on again off again relationships mean a couple isn't meant for one another.

Take care. Most of us have suffered through breakups. Tell yourself you're resilient, sort of faking it until it becomes a reality, and one day you will not think of him on a daily basis. 

[wheninrome75]

14 hours ago, Andrina said:

What's your life been like during the last four years besides having a boyfriend? What are the other areas of your life you put time and energy into? What were the differences that got in the way of a happy relationship?

Well I moved out of state 5 years ago.  So no family where I am.  I have made a few friend distant friends I see every couple of months or so, but I admit the ex and his group of friends were what I mostly had consistently in my life.  I am in a very rural area.  I have done a lot of hobbies like dirt bike riding and bought land, and even bought a tiny home to put on it eventually. I think the big things is that for the last 6 months I was really sick with very bad anemia, was difficult to do anything. I needed a few blood transfusions as well.  They gave me a lot of hormone shots to control the problem. I was feeling very vulnerable and weak.  He seemed to back off made me more insecure.  A lot of things that neither of us meant were said.  I think those things are unresolved.  I feel there was resentment. 

I also think he didn't like to be needed so much.  He broke up with me a week after my surgery.  I have no support system out here.  It sucks.  Even as I type this I had to call off of work because my truck will not start.  I don't even know how I can get to work and Uber is $60 each way.  Normally this would be no big deal as he could help me.  I just am trying to get by and its so very difficult.  One thing goes wrong and my life is no longer in control.  I can't take out a loan for a car because my payment for my student loan is so high.   

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry that you are struggling with so much. Regarding the student loan being so high, please look into income based repayment reduction. Meaning that they look at your current income/expenses and adjust your payment accordingly. This isn't through your loan provider but rather a federal program if I remember correctly. May be handled through your loan servicing company as well, they just don't advertise those kinds of options for people. You have to dig hard to find it.

Regarding your health, please do talk to your doctors about what's going on and especially the uncontrolled crying and inability to stop. It's easy to blame grief over the relationship ending, but your health situation can have a lot to do with it. It's worth looking into and making sure you are OK or whether something needs to be done, changed, adjusted, etc. in your treatment and recovery.

Finally, if you feel isolated where you are, maybe consider moving - whether it's back closer to family and friends or simply closer to a city where you can more easily make friends and have things to do.

 

[boltnrun]

I know when I was physically sick it made my breakup feel even worse.  Once I was recovered I was able to walk away from the guy who had hurt me so badly.  Up to that point I thought I needed him but that was my illness talking.

[wheninrome75]

34 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I'm sorry that you are struggling with so much. Regarding the student loan being so high, please look into income based repayment reduction. Meaning that they look at your current income/expenses and adjust your payment accordingly. This isn't through your loan provider but rather a federal program if I remember correctly. May be handled through your loan servicing company as well, they just don't advertise those kinds of options for people. You have to dig hard to find it.

Regarding your health, please do talk to your doctors about what's going on and especially the uncontrolled crying and inability to stop. It's easy to blame grief over the relationship ending, but your health situation can have a lot to do with it. It's worth looking into and making sure you are OK or whether something needs to be done, changed, adjusted, etc. in your treatment and recovery.

Finally, if you feel isolated where you are, maybe consider moving - whether it's back closer to family and friends or simply closer to a city where you can more easily make friends and have things to do.

 

Fixed payments based on income are a big sham, I should qualify to have some written off in a couple years if I make all my payments.  I would consider moving back but I have to work at least till June.  The reality is, at minimum I need to get to work.  Hormones are on edge, breakup doesn't help.  My doctor is aware, and one of the hormone shots they gave me should be weaning off any day now.  They were good for two months. Times are just really tough right now.  I am trying to push through it.  I am driving an old diesel, I think the gas might have jelled.  So in a few hours I need to take an Uber to get more gas and the gas additive for the winter.  It doesn't usually get below freezing here.  But it did last night. I just pray that works. 

[wheninrome75]

You know people always say how independent I am.  It is merely SURVIVAL.  I don't relish it, its scary, and one slight thing can really ruin everything.  

[boltnrun]

Just now, wheninrome75 said:

You know people always say how independent I am.  It is merely SURVIVAL.  I don't relish it, its scary, and one slight thing can really ruin everything.  

That's what defines a strong person.  It's not someone who has no problems or issues or difficulties.  It's the person who is going through all that but keeps going anyway.

[SooSad33]

On 12/27/2021 at 5:29 PM, wheninrome75 said:

He barely has contact with me.  He mostly has me blocked on his phone.  I keep trying to tell him we should have worked on things like communication.  If I was the one 4 years ago I am still the one.  But we need to handle our differences and not let resentment build up.

No, he broke up with you months ago.

Sadly, we cannot 'make someone love us' 😕 

It does hurt! And you will continue to hurt by continuing this contact - when it;s not necessary.

You need to stop all of it now.. In order to work on accepting & healing.

He barely has contact with you.... why does he need to do this at all? ( He's blocked you?).

Then how about YOU reach out for some professional help now?  You are struggling 😞 .  None of this is easy and is harder when we can't let go. ( but the worst thing to do is keep chasing them.  When it's done, it's done).

We need to go No Contact , in order to work through our emotions and feel better again - which takes time.

 

[Andrina]

That's when you see if a person has a good heart and cares the way they should--during the tough times like when you are sick or injured. 

That event was actually fortuitous because it prevented you from wasting any more time on a man who could only be counted on in the good times, but not the bad. Start changing your mindset about him, and realize the breakup was for the best because why would you wanted someone you can't count on when you really need him? And that him showing his true colors frees you to eventually be single when someone worthy of you comes along.

Good luck in your healing process.

[-CallingAllAngels]

I am really so very sorry to hear you're going through all this.  I know what it's like to struggle with health problems.  It's not easy, especially if you don't have family/friends near by to help.

Just a thought...have you tried to reach out to any local churches of ANY denomination?  It doesn't even matter if you are even a member.  Many of them have people who volunteer to help others.  Perhaps someone could give you a ride to work so you wouldn't have to spend so much on an Uber?  (I know COVID changed a lot of things, but, you could both wear masks.)

Bottom line:  NEVER give up...you will make it through this.  You are stronger than you think.

All the best...

 

[spinstermanquee]

AutumnBorn and many others have some really good advice!  I'm in a breakup too and I feel like a butterfly busting out of its cocoon right now!  I started going to church (never possible before because atheist husband diminished religion/spirituality), making friends at yoga class, going to events and networking, trying new restaurants, etc.  Who needs a meanie?