Resentment around sex

[quirky]

Been a long time since I posted here, sending a hello to old and new members 🙂 

I am experiencing resentment towards my partner for various reasons and one of them is the lack of sex. When we do have sex it is ok but not great for me as he doesn't like to kiss much. It all feels a bit...mechanical rather than passionate and/or curious.

We have identified that we go about challenges in different ways: he leaves it up to circumstances sorting themselves out in a natural way, I problem solve and struggle to leave things pending.

When I have brought up the lack of sex he says that he wants to but things/life get in the way. We have sex an average of 2 times a month. I feel that if he really wanted to he'd make time for it and create the conditions for it to happen.

Due to the lack of sex my confidence and sexual expression are deeply affected and I now feel resentful towards what I perceive as 'excuses'. I am a passionate individual and I feel sexually dead and neglected and I notice that it angers me which is unpleasant for both of us. I am also at the end of my fertility years and this is somehow intertwined here in that I feel that he is adding insult to injury and confirming my fears around undesirability.

I understand that for the intimacy to improve we'd both have to make an effort however I now feel very resistant to extend myself further because I have brought up the subject many times and feel that I have 'done my bit'. I bought nice underwear at some point too. I even suggested we take a break from sex some months back.  And it has all resulted in him feeling pressure rather than carving out time for us as a couple.

I am feeling very stuck in the relationship for other reasons too but do you think there is a way out of this resentment?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? When did the sex/intimacy start to drop off?

How old is he? Does he have health problems, depression, drink regularly or use excessive porn?

Unfortunately nagging, begging, talking etc doesn't work.

Pull back from the "problem solving".

Instead get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a complete workup. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Get involved in sports and fitness, join some groups and clubs volunteer get a side hustle. Stay busy.

This is not isolated to the bedroom. There are underlying unaddressed communication and other issues.

Stop and reflect if you make time for fun and dates and romance. Start doing that. There's a disconnect and you need to find out what that is.

 

[quirky]

I can see it now that nagging, begging, talking doesn't work either. The only thing that has worked is me to say nothing and to welcome him whenever he makes an attempt at intimacy. I can't seem to do that consistently, pisses me off cos it feels like it's on his terms.

He is 48, has chronic depression, previous medication helped with the big lows but not with an overall pessimistic outlook on life, he is quite negative about life and people. He started therapy 4 months ago. Drinks regularly but little to manage work stress.

I am also in therapy and struggle with anxiety the last 2 years. This is the 3rd time we are dating and I have known him for 8 years..I have left the relationship before and keep going back to him...I am not fulfilled (perhaps I will never be and that is on me) but I cannot walk away either.

He proposed to me a year ago and the next step is to move in with him. However I hesitate due to his negativity and the lack of sex - I worry about that greyness being my life. I spend prolonged periods of time at his though. Some of it feels beautiful, domestic and loving, some of it feels like death to my spirit..no passion, fun or positivity from his end.

[Spawn]

am 43, it took me a while and many broken hearts to realize whoever I dated was really not fit for my own health and well being. Last one had me on to suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression, fear of meeting people in general. If we are not happy single we usually attract all such beings who are not happy. 

Have you thought of not being in a relationship? Does it scare you being single?  From what you have shared it feels that he may be the last man on earth for you, you are worried about not having kids etc.

Whatever you are going through must stop and it all begins from you and your choices.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, quirky said:

I can see it now that nagging, begging, talking doesn't work either. The only thing that has worked is me to say nothing and to welcome him whenever he makes an attempt at intimacy. I can't seem to do that consistently, pisses me off cos it feels like it's on his terms.

He is 48, has chronic depression, previous medication helped with the big lows but not with an overall pessimistic outlook on life, he is quite negative about life and people. He started therapy 4 months ago. Drinks regularly but little to manage work stress.

I am also in therapy and struggle with anxiety the last 2 years. This is the 3rd time we are dating and I have known him for 8 years..I have left the relationship before and keep going back to him...I am not fulfilled (perhaps I will never be and that is on me) but I cannot walk away either.

He proposed to me a year ago and the next step is to move in with him. However I hesitate due to his negativity and the lack of sex - I worry about that greyness being my life. I spend prolonged periods of time at his though. Some of it feels beautiful, domestic and loving, some of it feels like death to my spirit..no passion, fun or positivity from his end.

Sorry this is happening. Do Not Move In together. On/off relationships tend to be unfulfilling, unstable,and are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities.

Spend less time playing house at his place. He has chronic undertreated,self medicated depression. Probably ED/ low libido from both the depression and regular drinking.

He is not going to suddenly become sober undepressed and passionate so stop basing your self respect and attractiveness on this.

He may be ok sometimes and not a bad person but he's quite withdrawn and depressed. 

You're not going to fix or change him with lingerie, so if you want someone this checked out and damaged who refuses to help himself, you'll have a lonely frustrating road full of headaches and heartaches ahead.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Welcome back -great to see you posting!!  I'm sorry about your struggles. Is this the same guy you were over the moon about and he had all sorts of issues- maybe drinking as well -and he went MIA?  Doesn't sound like him because that sounded like the sex was good.

Does he have ED? Depression I think can do that. What does his therapist say about his drinking, if you know? So - rather than sex as sex what I want to know is if you're affectionate with each other regularly -I don't mean making out intensely but do you hug and kiss every day? Or more than that? This is not at all about your desirability.  Or any dip in desirability based on your age.  (I'm now 55 and I believe through menopause in the last year or so).  Maybe he's afraid of you getting pregnant? Have you discussed your feelings on that and is their birth control involved that both of you feel comfortable with (or no birth control and both of you are willing to take the risk given your age?)

Why is living together the next step?  Why not marriage? Did you accept his proposal and set a wedding date? I'll also throw this in.  I am not depressed.  My husband is not depressed.  My father suffered from depression for most of his 83 years on this earth.  I know what it looks like.  But.  Wow.  This pandemic has taken a toll -I mean I have more days where I feel meh - not outright negative but having to fight against that doldrum feeling.  My husband doesn't seem more negative but certainly more drained at times given restrictions plus virtual schooling for the child plus the stress of him returning to school with all the issues there.  So -- yes even people who are not clinically depressed are being challenged emotionally in this situation.

But.  Don't marry someone where you feel the gray outweighs the sunshine.  Domesticity need not be boring or gray.  It might not be exciting/thrill a minute but if it's right it will feel -cozy, secure, peaceful at times. I feel good inside after I've scrubbed a bathtub.  I feel good inside when my checklist of household stuff plus errands is done and the child hopefully is asleep and I can sit with my book and a snack in the glider with a throw over me.  And be in bed by 10:30 to be up by 6 or earlier.

I felt good 20-25 years ago when at that same time of night I would more likely have been out to dinner with friends and/or at the theater or performance or movie, or at a cafe or - "and just like that" dancing at a club. Life changed a lot.  It was a change I welcomed.  It was a change I welcomed with positivity and optimism and excitement like I won the lottery despite loving my prior life of intense work work work and volunteer work and play play play in a major city and lapping up all the culture daily.

And you can have a hybrid or whatever works for you -but the domesticity part -the coming home to a partner - should -in general -feel "good" - highs/lows/spectrum of emotions but listen to Billy Joel's lyrics of "you're my house, you're my home" I think it's called.  That's what I'm sayin'.

I love what someone else wrote that being on your own is a real genuine and positive option.  Consider it.  All the best to you.  

[boltnrun]

This is always my yardstick, so to speak:

When you think about 40 years of being with this man in this relationship exactly as it is right now...how does that make you feel?  Warm, loved, happy and fulfilled?  Or does it seem more like a prison sentence?

[junebug123]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do Not Move In together. On/off relationships tend to be unfulfilling, unstable,and are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities.

Spend less time playing house at his place. He has chronic undertreated,self medicated depression. Probably ED/ low libido from both the depression and regular drinking.

He is not going to suddenly become sober undepressed and passionate so stop basing your self respect and attractiveness on this.

He may be ok sometimes and not a bad person but he's quite withdrawn and depressed. 

You're not going to fix or change him with lingerie, so if you want someone this checked out and damaged who refuses to help himself, you'll have a lonely frustrating road full of headaches and heartaches ahead.

 

 

 

Yeah, I was thinking this too. He seems checked out.

I know it’s hard putting yourself out there but a guy with a low sex drive and constant depression/drinking. You owe it to yourself to ask for more.

Not only from a partner but also from yourself.

[lostandhurt]

Simple facts:

Moving in will not improve anything.

Marrying him will not improve anything and especially the different libidos.

Your resentment will grow the more you are around him until you end it again.

Now my opinion.  I think you are coming here for permission to dump him. He is not good for you in many ways so if you are asking I say end this for the last time.  He isn't the one you seek.

Lost

[reinventmyself]

Depression affects libido, antidepressants affect libido.  Alcohol is depressant.  The lack of sex is a symptom of all of the above. 

The things above need to be addressed before you can expect a change in the bedroom.  If it were me, I would stop focusing on sex and work together on getting the depression and anxiety in order first. 

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, quirky said:

I am not fulfilled (perhaps I will never be and that is on me) but I cannot do not walk away either.

Edited for you - you can walk away. Why are you choosing not to? 

You mention your fertility window is closing, and you also say he is 48 and depressed and the relationship is on-off. Are you sure he wants to have a child? It doesn't sound like it, and maybe this is one reason he dodges sex with you. 

Rather than getting angry with him and focusing on sex, take a big metaphorical step back and look at the bigger picture - are your and his future goals even aligned anymore? 

The lack of sex seems to be symptomatic of bigger problems in the relationship. 

[catfeeder]

In general, depressed people rarely make good lovers. In general, depressed people rarely make love.

Basing your self esteem on the love and affection and sex drive of a depressive is like tossing your SELF into a trash can, and then blaming him because you won't step out of the thing.

Depression being an actual chemical (and therefore physical) condition, asking a depressive to raise their bar on making you feel sexy and valued and loved is like asking someone with a broken leg to climb a mountain.

So given that depression is a condition that slows the body and mind to varying degrees, some depressives can't muster the energy to work or even bathe. Others with milder depression white-knuckle their way through daily actions and some can even hide their condition from others.

But not everyone who is depressed is negative. Some depressed people have been able to claw their way out of situational depression before it turns chronic. They do this largely based on holding optimism and a belief that they can do it, regardless of whether they use medication or not.

However, the fact that this guy heaps negativity on top of his depression is a double-whammy that does not bode well for his ability to ever offer you the happiness and sunlight you want and deserve from a partner.

So while none of this makes the guy a villain, it also doesn't make him good relationship material.

You resent him for any sex being on his terms, but those are the only terms by which he's capable of 'performing'. Lots of depressives, if they own any sexual desire at all, tend to opt for masturbation rather than a lover because there is no pressure to 'perform' for another.

You can resent this guy for wasting your child-bearing years, or you can get clear about who is actually wasting this time.

All relationship being voluntary, what you see IS (and has always been) what you get with this guy, and unless he demo's a willingness and an ability to get--and work--the help he needs, it is not HE who is wasting your time.

My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.