Help in overcoming bitterness

[Fluffymomo]

A few months ago I created a post of how to get over crushes at Work. Long story short I was in a vulnerable and dark place after a parent passed away. I was in a toxic work environment and this pulled the last straw for me to resign. A senior executive  in the company convinced me to stay, offered a month PTO and did some other nice gestures for me. I was shocked given I was only couple months in the role.

I came back. He was very attentive. He lingered around my desk a lot, asking a lot personal questions and complementing my hair etc.  He’s in the C-suite, I was flattered that he notices me and took time to get to know me even though he’s super busy every day.

Maybe because of grief and because I was looking at everything through a emotionally charged lenses , I started to develop feelings for him and and felt some kind of weird vibes between us. I listened to the advices from this forum. I kept a distance from him and stopped our daily interactions unless is business related. He quickly backed off and also there goes all the “ nice gestures” and “ special projects”

I kept my mouth shut and did my work. I hated my current work and honestly if isn’t for him, I wouldn’t come back to this hell-hole in the first place. And as soon as he stopped lingering around my desk, the bullies at work started gang up on me. My past few months at work was almost a reminder of the bs dramas in HS. Then I find out he is involved in the process to hire an additional “ person” to take away half of my responsibilities.. I was pretty upset by this. He convinced me to stay. He said he sees great potential for me in this company and personally he wants to see me to continue to grow..

I started looking for a new job . And I was lucky to quickly find a place with much better pay and in the industry I like. However, I struggled and struggled giving my notice. I still feel some sort of guilt as if I owed him but deep inside I know that I don’t owe my job anything.

I gave my notice and my managers were pretty upset by it and pretty much stopped talking to me right away. I wasn’t shocked of their behavior but I was shocked by his. As the department head, I am sure he’s aware of my 2nd time resignation by now. While he begged me to stay the first time, the 2nd time he just pretend as if he’s not aware of the situation. He walked by my desk yesterday and had a normal conversation and didn’t even mention anything of me resigning.. 

It’s strange but I am feeling some kind of bitterness through all this. I felt like I opened my heart and put myself through a ***ty situation because I thought he genuinely saw some potential in me and wanted me to come back. But in the end all the nice gestures were just part of the acts?

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

But in the end all the nice gestures were just part of the acts?

Probably, which is why it's great you are leaving and going to a new job. Congrats on the new position.

BTW, it's very common for a current employer to act frosty once you give notice. You'll be out of there soon so no need to stress over it.

[reinventmyself]

The lines are very blurry.  Toxic work environment, leaving, promises, returning, romantic feelings you try to squash, mixed messages.   

54 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

I felt like I opened my heart and put myself through a ***ty situation because I thought he genuinely saw some potential in me and wanted me to come back. But in the end all the nice gesture were part of the acts?"

Professional or personal?  Did you return to work or return for him?  It would be helpful for you to be very clear on your own motives here.  Why exactly did you go back?  We don't seek employment with our hearts.   It's ok to admit that you hoped for something more.  But the fact it got messy isn't really a surprise.

It's always helpful to take responsibility for our participation in things that went wrong and not victimized by what was partly caused by our own decisions.

[Fluffymomo]

54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Probably, which is why it's great you are leaving and going to a new job. Congrats on the new position.

BTW, it's very common for a current employer to act frosty once you give notice. You'll be out of there soon so no need to stress over it.

Well he didn’t act frosty.. He just acted like he wasn’t aware/ doesn’t care.. which for me obviously still hurts a bit.. I thought at least he would be like good luck with the next job.. I thought about still writing him a thank you letter for all the nice things he did for me.. but what’s the point..

 

btw, I am throwing away the plant he bought me when I go home today..

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Fluffymomo said:

I started looking for a new job .

Excellent. Good luck in your new endeavor. Keep in mind business is business it's not about "vibes". If the work culture is toxic you resign, it's that simple.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

btw, I am throwing away the plant he bought me when I go home today..

Why not give it away or to a colleague?

[Fluffymomo]

12 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

The lines are very blurry.  Toxic work environment, leaving, promises, returning, romantic feelings you try to squash, mixed messages.   

Professional or personal?  Did you return to work or return for him?  It would be helpful for you to be very clear on your own motives here.  Why exactly did you go back?  We don't seek employment with our hearts.   It's ok to admit that you hoped for something more.  But the fact it got messy isn't really a surprise.

It's always helpful to take responsibility for our participation in things that went wrong and not victimized by what was partly caused by our own decisions.

I returned because I was moved by his gesture but at that time I didn’t have any feelings for him until I came back and our interactions have changed to a different level when I came back. I opened up to him and he has shared some very personal stuff with me, made me felt like I could trust him and yes at one point I wanted for something more and certainly seeing things going to a bad direction.. which is why I came to this forum for help in the first place.

I guess I expected him to still advocate for my growth at work even though later I avoided to have interactions unless it’s work related. I didn’t expect him would just stop giving projects to me and actively participate in the recruitment of my “replacement “ vs when I first came back, he always tried to pull me into important projects and sometimes even go around my managers for me to have a chance to shine in front of the higher ups. I am not feeling victimized.. I just felt really hurt..

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

Well he didn’t act frosty.. He just acted like he wasn’t aware/ doesn’t care.. which for me obviously still hurts a bit.. I thought at least he would be like good luck with the next job.. I thought about still writing him a thank you letter for all the nice things he did for me.. but what’s the point..

 

btw, I am throwing away the plant he bought me when I go home today..

No need to write a thank you letter. It would appear you're trying to keep in contact after you leave. Better to send the department a goodbye and thank you group email.

And why throw away the plant? Is it dying or ugly or something? I just don't see why you'd throw away a living thing. What did the plant do wrong lol?

[Fluffymomo]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why not give it away or to a colleague?

He sent it to my personal address.. I don’t feel like to add more to the office gossip 

[gamon]

He took away a lot of your responsibilities and asked you to stay.

You quit on your own.

Not seeing how any of that is his fault?

Also you stated that after he stopped lingering around your desk "the work bullies ganged up on you".

Why are there so many bullies at work and why did they single you out?

[Fluffymomo]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

No need to write a thank you letter. It would appear you're trying to keep in contact after you leave. Better to send the department a goodbye and thank you group email.

And why throw away the plant? Is it dying or ugly or something? I just don't see why you'd throw away a living thing. What did the plant do wrong lol?

It’s a reminder of how stupid I was

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

He sent it to my personal address.. I don’t feel like to add more to the office gossip 

Then give it to someone who likes plants.  So wasteful to throw it away as part of a temper tantrum. I think he didn't want to lose his job/affect his professional life by continuing to interact with you since you have feelings for him.  

[DancingFool]

4 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

I opened up to him and he has shared some very personal stuff with me, made me felt like I could trust him and yes at one point I wanted for something more

I think this is really the lesson you need to take away from this entire situation - do not over share and do not confuse someone over sharing personal stuff as some form of emotional intimacy. It's actually a red flag, be it in a professional environment or romantic relationships. Over sharing too much too soon is actually manipulative and certain types of people can really use that against you by creating that sense of trust and instant closeness that is actually quite fake on their end.

It's good that you are out of this place and I wish you success in your new job. I think you were stuck in a toxic mess and this man simply manipulated you into staying longer until they were in a position to get a replacement. Going forward, beware of such people and maybe work on your own personal life and friendships, so that someone trying to tap into your emotional vulnerability will be met with a cold reception from you.

[Fluffymomo]

5 minutes ago, gamon said:

He took away a lot of your responsibilities and asked you to stay.

You quit on your own.

Not seeing how any of that is his fault?

Also you stated that after he stopped lingering around your desk "the work bullies ganged up on you".

Why are there so many bullies at work and why did they single you out?

I already felt sidelined before resigning for the 1st time but I thought I would give it another try, thinking him would be my advocate.. 

 

Why so many bullies at work.. because it was a toxic environment. The team originally recruited me left and I was given to a racist mean girl squad. I am Asian and at work they constantly made inappropriate comments related to Covid. One time I coughed during my one on one meeting with my manager, she asked me if I have covid lol

 

On a side note, I also made a post on Reddit and happened to ran into someone who’s local and in my field. He quickly figured out what my company is just from the description of the culture lol and he told me that place has a reputation for toxic culture 

[Fluffymomo]

Just now, DancingFool said:

I think this is really the lesson you need to take away from this entire situation - do not over share and do not confuse someone over sharing personal stuff as some form of emotional intimacy. It's actually a red flag, be it in a professional environment or romantic relationships. Over sharing too much too soon is actually manipulative and certain types of people can really use that against you by creating that sense of trust and instant closeness that is actually quite fake on their end.

It's good that you are out of this place and I wish you success in your new job. I think you were stuck in a toxic mess and this man simply manipulated you into staying longer until they were in a position to get a replacement. Going forward, beware of such people and maybe work on your own personal life and friendships, so that someone trying to tap into your emotional vulnerability will be met with a cold reception from you.

Thank you! I think this is a fair assessment and I will definitely remember this lesson going forward 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

It’s a reminder of how stupid I was

But that's not the plant's fault. It has to die because you made a decision that didn't work out well?

Give it to a neighbor, then, if you can't stand looking at it.

[Fluffymomo]

Just now, boltnrun said:

But that's not the plant's fault. It has to die because you made a decision that didn't work out well?

Give it to a neighbor, then, if you can't stand looking at it.

Well I guess that’s better

[Fluffymomo]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then give it to someone who likes plants.  So wasteful to throw it away as part of a temper tantrum. I think he didn't want to lose his job/affect his professional life by continuing to interact with you since you have feelings for him.  

Well at first he would still come over and try to strike conversation and i gave him the poker face short replies., 

Then he stopped coming over frequently and all in a sudden I have been removed from projects and they started actively looking for my replacement 

[reinventmyself]

51 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

 

I guess I expected him to still advocate for my growth at work even though later I avoided to have interactions unless it’s work related. I didn’t expect him would just stop giving projects to me and actively participate in the recruitment of my “replacement “ vs when I first came back, he always tried to pull me into important projects and sometimes even go around my managers for me to have a chance to shine in front of the higher ups. I am not feeling victimized.. I just felt really hurt..

But was he to advocate for you because of your personal relationship or professional?  Do you think in light of him being your boss, he would be concerned how this is interpreted by others?  He took the risk to bring you back. It puts you in the spot light.  I suspect he was trying to diffuse the tension by keeping it in check. 

Why should he go around others to give you a chance to shine?  What makes you different than your coworkers?   . . . other than the personal tension you two created.   You mention that you felt bullied by others.  Could it be that they sensed the dynamic as well?

Feeling hurt is the same as feeling like a victim. I know the word victim comes across the negative, but it is the same thing.  You feel hurt and victimized about how this played out.  But, again, there is a lesson here.  I hope you learn from it and make better choices in the future. 

You are focusing solely on what everyone did TO you and not taking responsibility for your choice to return to something that was risky at best

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Fluffymomo said:

Maybe because of grief and because I was looking at everything through a emotionally charged lenses , I started to develop feelings for him and and felt some kind of weird vibes between us. I listened to the advices from this forum. I kept a distance from him and stopped our daily interactions unless is business related. He quickly backed off and also there goes all the “ nice gestures” and “ special projects”

 

2 hours ago, Fluffymomo said:

It’s strange but I am feeling some kind of bitterness through all this. I felt like I opened my heart and put myself through a ***ty situation because I thought he genuinely saw some potential in me and wanted me to come back. But in the end all the nice gestures were just part of the acts?

 

You stopped a lot of your interactions with him. So distance happened.

 I feel he felt pushed away by you. So, second time around, he gave up. But, what did you want or expect?  Him to beg you to stay..again?

You admitted you remained a while longer only because he asked you to?  

Is no good reason to do so, right?  You do as YOU please, not what other's suggest.

 

[reinventmyself]

For arguments sake, he crossed over the line and was inappropriate.  But by expecting special work related favors from him, isn't that inappropriate as well?

Look, I am not trying to beat you up here.  But having been a manager, these dynamics are a really bad idea for all the reasons you just described.  It risks damaging his integrity.  It can easily turn litigious and it affects the moral of those working in the same department.

Next time, choose better and don't cross that line.

[Fluffymomo]

20 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

But was he to advocate for you because of your personal relationship or professional?  Do you think in light of him being your boss, he would be concerned how this is interpreted by others?  He took the risk to bring you back. It puts you in the spot light.  I suspect he was trying to diffuse the tension by keeping it in check. 

Why should he go around others to give you a chance to shine?  What makes you different than your coworkers?   . . . other than the personal tension you two created.   You mention that you felt bullied by others.  Could it be that they sensed the dynamic as well?

Feeling hurt is the same as feeling like a victim. I know the word victim comes across the negative, but it is the same thing.  You feel hurt and victimized about how this played out.  But, again, there is a lesson here.  I hope you learn from it and make better choices in the future. 

You are focusing solely on what everyone did TO you and not taking responsibility for your choice to return to something that was risky at best

In all fairness I felt like he stopped advocating for my growth when I started to keep a distance from him. When I first came back, he came to my desk all the time and tried to initiate non work related conversation..sometimes even a bit flirty 

No I took full responsibility for my actions.. As I said before, looking back I was STUPID, but I still can’t help to feel hurt and bitterness because I am a human..

[Fluffymomo]

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

 

You stopped a lot of your interactions with him. So distance happened.

 I feel he felt pushed away by you. So, second time around, he gave up. But, what did you want or expect?  Him to beg you to stay..again?

You admitted you remained a while longer only because he asked you to?  

Is no good reason to do so, right?  You do as YOU please, not what other's suggest.

 

Agree

[MissCanuck]

24 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

In all fairness I felt like he stopped advocating for my growth when I started to keep a distance from him

Then let this be a lesson not to confuse the personal with the professional. 

Your feelings got mixed up and it would have been better to maintain stricter boundaries from the beginning, and not share anything personal with new colleagues - particularly those above you. 

Be professional, and focus on transitioning into your new job. Good luck. 

[catfeeder]

First step in liberation from bitterness is Self kindness.

Objectively, I don't view anything you've believed or done as 'stupid'.

You are a bright woman who worked in a culture of high toxicity, and you suffered a devastating loss, for which my heart goes out to you.

You responded to the loss with a move toward self-preservation by removing yourself from the toxic soup.

The toxic boss, who not-so-incidentally created or sustained this culture, was the only one to even acknowledge your loss, and he offered overtures of kindness from a position of authority.

When you recognized that this created a different kind of toxicity for you and operated once again out of self-preservation, the guy pulled back his attention and took his offers of help off the table.

What we don't know is, were those offers merely over-compensation in the form of some view of himself as a 'savior' that he would have forgotten about anyway, or was he making overtures to lure you sexually, only to drop you once he recognized that he set himself up for legal trouble?

Either way, HE is beside the point--the place was full of bullies, one of which was him.

While no doubt such a place is traumatic for anyone, it's especially no place for one who is grieving.

None of this makes you 'stupid,' it makes you smart and resilient for getting your Self OUT of there.

Hold your head high, and keep writing more if it helps.

Most of us encounter at least one "DON'T" model of awful companies at some point in our lives. We can torture ourselves about it, or we can take pride in our ability to recognize such a culture and GET OUT OF THERE.

I vote for you to adopt pride rather than bitterness. Which do you believe would serve you better?

Head high.