How much criticism is normal between friends?

[SooSad33]

The guy is full of it and is NOT a true friend.

Sounds like you, in general are a decent person and is nothing wrong with being there as a 'friend' to talk & vent & hang out- which is normal.

I'd disown this one.  He sounds messed up and not a good one, admitting he's still dealing with effects of an ex, etc.

 

[tattoobunnie]

Get noise cancelling head phones.  Done.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tonight.majestic said:

I meant, I need a quiet space without music. Libraries are fine but their hours are limited. I used to do my work at cafes but the music is blasting and ear plugs don't work. Not when I have to study for tests. 

Your home has loud music? 

[Tonight.majestic]

3 hours ago, East4 said:

 

In your previous thread I made the assumption that your "friend" has a crush on you, but after reading your current posting, and in particular this part:

it seems that this man's displaced anger of his ex-wife is the reason of his hostility towards you. He is basically re-creating a scenario, where you need what he has and you feel indebted to him. He uses you as a punching bag to act out his unresolved anger to his ex-wife, that he cannot punish for some reason, but he can punish you.

Sorry for this convoluted explanation. In one word, in his head you are a user, like his ex-wife, and this is why he feels free to unload all his anger for her, onto you. 

If not a total nutcase, this man seem to have a lot of pent up anger for women and you are letting yourself being used as his punching bag. His criticism may escalate to something more sinister.

While I understand that a quiet place is important for studying, you really need to severe this arrangement with your "frienemy" and even better sever your ties with him altogether. He is not just a little awkward, or a drama king. Guy has lots of anger for his ex-wife, that has spilled over to a generalised hatred towards women. You cannot reason with him, just run.

Thanks, East. 

Yeah.....I'm coming to that conclusion and I know an end is coming. I'll do it tactfully.

But I feel like no matter which way I do it, it's gonna end up with bitterness for all the help I got despite me trying to be as fair as possible. 

[Tonight.majestic]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Get noise cancelling head phones.  Done.

Is that with music on though? I don't have experience with them. Any recommendations? Can I just put them on without any music? 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Thanks, East. 

Yeah.....I'm coming to that conclusion and I know an end is coming. I'll do it tactfully.

But I feel like no matter which way I do it, it's gonna end up with bitterness for all the help I got despite me trying to be as fair as possible. 

His "bitterness" isn't your problem.

He's chosen to be bitter. That isn't something you're required to heal or cure him of. 

[Tonight.majestic]

3 hours ago, East4 said:

 

it seems that this man's displaced anger of his ex-wife is the reason of his hostility towards you. He is basically re-creating a scenario, where you need what he has and you feel indebted to him. He uses you as a punching bag to act out his unresolved anger to his ex-wife, that he cannot punish for some reason, but he can punish you.

 

Yep, it makes a lot of sense. I fit her profile too, like life situation, goals, career, etc. Even a little bit in looks too....Except I'm rejecting him. 

[Rose Mosse]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

His "bitterness" isn't your problem.

He's chosen to be bitter. That isn't something you're required to heal or cure him of. 

I agree. Don't tip toe around people like this.

There were so many ick factors in what you wrote in your first post, OP. Friends don't talk that way around each other. 

[Wiseman2]

Headphones and quiet spaces won't solve your problems. Because your attachment to this strange BDSM-style interaction is the real problem. Otherwise you would not be hanging out with some old creep putting up with his anger and hostility.

[East4]

OP, can you explain how this asymetrical "frienship" has started? Because normally frienships form on the basis of shared interests. What is it that you have in common with a much older man (20y), you are from two totally different generations? 

His strong emotional reactions to a totally innocuous event, like texting; instead of calling, attest for his attachment to you; this is why I firstly thought he had a crush on you. Now with the follow-up thread, it seems that indeed he has an attachment to you, but for all the wrong reasons (to punish you for the hurt his ex-wife caused him).

What I am wondering is what is your gain out of this situation, because you seem very adamant in sticking to these unhealthy dynamics. Many young, normal women would be out the door, quickly, at the first sign of his hostility. And you are not. Why are you putting yourself in this weird relationship? At some level, you do realise it is really weird, right?

Have you been raised without a father, or that your father abondened you? Do you think you may have some "daddy" issues, because otherwise I really cannot understand your own attachment and patience with an old damaged man. Do not tell me it is only for the room. There is more than pure material interest.

[boltnrun]

One of my closest friends is 24 years younger than me. But we support and build one another up. We also do things like go to films, go out for lunch or coffee and dessert and go on hikes together.

What kind of "friend" things do you and this man do together?

[Tonight.majestic]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

One of my closest friends is 24 years younger than me. But we support and build one another up. We also do things like go to films, go out for lunch or coffee and dessert and go on hikes together.

What kind of "friend" things do you and this man do together?

If you're insinuating something sexual, it's absolutely not. We work for the same company which he happens to be a co-owner of, hence I'm in a bind. Because he gave me a job when I really needed it and the office space to use after hours. With that said, I've browsed around the area for office spaces and it's $400 for a desk and a chair monthly, not even a private room. I pay $200. I'm in a tight financial spot so for the time being, I have to be tactful. 

 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

If you're insinuating something sexual, it's absolutely not. We work for the same company which he happens to be a co-owner of, hence I'm in a bind. Because he gave me a job when I really needed it and the office space to use after hours. With that said, I've browsed around the area for office spaces and it's $400 for a desk and a chair monthly, not even a private room. I pay $200. I'm in a tight financial spot so for the time being, I have to be tactful. 

 

Where did you get that I am "insinuating something sexual"??? Can you quote where I said that?

[East4]

12 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

. We work for the same company which he happens to be a co-owner of, hence I'm in a bind.

OP, if this man is your employer, i.e. in position of authority at work, it will be very difficult for you to establish boundaries, in particular when the boundaries have been already trespassed. So, you are entangled with him not only for the room, but he is also your superior at work and paying you a salary. This is certainly not friendship, but a relationship of dependency. Even if you stop using the room and demand that he quit contacting you, he will still use his authority in the company to harass you. Diplomacy will not help you much.

If I were you, I would start looking for a new job and keep strictly professional relationship with your bosses right from the start. Once you become buddy-buddy with your boss, it is close to impossible to severe ties with them, unilaterally, without repercussions to your job/career.

Regarding the quiet room:  if you live with your parents and siblings, request their support for organising a time schedule that will give you several hours a day quiet time in a room of the house to study. Your parents and siblings are supposed to love you and care about you, if you explain your difficulty nicely, they will be willing to help.

If you live with room mates, again explain your difficulty and ask for their understanding. You can also tell them about the harassment from your boss that you endure because you need a quiet room. Many will be sympathetic to your situation. Or if the room mates do not respond to your request, you can wake up earlier in the morning/stay later in the evening in a room that nobody normally uses to sleep in, like the kitchen. There is a kitchen with a kitchen table where you live, right?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

 he happens to be a co-owner of, hence I'm in a bind. Because he gave me a job when I really needed it and the office space to use after hours. 

He's your employer? Well then he's not just a friend doing you a favor is he?

That's an entirely different story. If you need the job for money and you can't just delete and block.

Why pretend he's a friend doing you a favor when in fact he's your employer and simply lets you stay after hours in the office to do personal business?

Why pretend you're friends?

[Tinydance]

Well, I personally find the whole situation a bit strange from what you've described. I don't understand how this guy can say that you use him? You pay him good money for this office space. When you pay, it's not called "using" because that person is making money off you.

Secondly, if you're supposed to be friends, it's odd that he said; "What have you ever helped me with? Just talking and hanging out?" From that perspective he does seem to have a "user" mentality. I think the purpose of having friends is first of all just to have their companionship. So yes, just to talk and hang out. We shouldn't be looking at friends as just someone that can do something for us or help us in some way. Yes, friends help each other but only when the need arises. The main purpose of friendship is just their company and having them in your life.

Also it seems really weird that he's always trying to read you and other people. OK, so what, he noticed some bad qualities in you because he can "read" you? Everyone has good and bad things about them. What's his point!

[Andrina]

On 12/6/2021 at 8:55 PM, Tonight.majestic said:

He told me that I came into his life so that I could use his resources and then leave once I'm done.

Assume the worst case scenario and take quick action. I'd feel like my life could be in danger with these unhinged words. Don't be surprised if he stalks you once you end your employment with his company. I'd be applying for other jobs asap, and end the study room rental immediately. 

Other quiet places with chairs to study? Bookstores like Barnes and Noble. Some colleges allow guest visitors in their libraries. Start checking out local coffee shops with plenty of seating where your study time will be paid by a baked good and hot beverage.

[tattoobunnie]

22 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Is that with music on though? I don't have experience with them. Any recommendations? Can I just put them on without any music? 

No...they block all noise.